“That’s the last time I sign a contract without reading it.”

We expect The Bachelorette to be cheesy, but this is just downright Velveeta! I’m embarrassed for everyone in this monstrosity!

We’ve watched the casts of past season go on cheesy group dates—from shooting action movie sequences to dressing up like Harlequin romance novel cover models–but new ‘Bachelorette’ star Desiree Hartsock and her flock of suitors stooped to a new low while filming the upcoming season (which premieres Monday, May 27, by the way!)

“Buy my book, y’all!”

Over the years, Teen Mom star Maci Bookout has mentioned that she plans to release a book about her life and time on the show, but until now details about the book have been vague. This week, Maci appeared on DJ Malone’s Blogtalk radio program and revealed all of the details of her upcoming book!

“I’m writing a book that will be out at the end of this year and I’m really excited about that because I’ve always been a writer,” Maci told DJ Malone. “I’ve worked really, really hard on this book for like three or four years now and I cannot wait for it to come out because it’s going to be amazing.”

Maci went on to describe what we can expect to read in her autobiography. Apparently the book will include behind-the-scenes glimpses of her time on MTV.

“Neil Lane, you best stay away from me!”

She’s been engaged three times and taken two spins on the reality TV love merry-go-round, so it’s no surprise that former Bachelorette star Emily Maynard isn’t in any hurry to find herself another man.

“I really am so happy with where my life is right now,” she recently told In Touch Weekly. “Everything in my life isn’t revolving around finding a boyfriend.”

And if that statement didn’t help clear up the rumors that Emily might take another stab at finding love on ‘The Bachelorette,’ she offers this poignant remark:

“Even the word ‘engagement’ makes my skin crawl,” Emily told In Touch. “It gives me anxiety now.”

That’s exactly what my face looked like after I heard this.

Apparently there was a third “star” in Teen Mom Farrah Abraham‘s backdoor p0rno: Aunt Flo!

Yes, The Ashley realizes that she has sunk to new lows (even for her!) by writing this story but it was just too gross not to cover!

According to James Deen, Farrah’s partner in her raunchy sex tape, “Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom,” (which, for the record, I still intend to recap for y’all!) Farrah was actually ON HER PERIOD when they shot the footage!

“Thanks for keeping my chair warm, Shakira! Now move your ass!”

Deadline.com is reporting that Christina Aguilera will take her judging chair back for the next season of The Voice. According to the website’s sources, Christina will oust Shakira from the chair she abandoned last season when she left the show to focus on her own musical career.

CeeLo Green, who also took a sabbatical from judging this season and was replaced by Usher, is also in talks to reclaim his chair. While it’s being reporting that CeeLo is close to signing on for Season 5, he seems more unlikely than Christina to rejoin the show, being that his new reality show just got picked up by TBS.

It’s no secret that the girls of 16 and Pregnant are Fertile Myrtles. Of the 47 girls that have been featured on the show, at least 11 have gotten pregnant within five years of giving birth to their first child. Of course, not all of the girls have ended up giving birth: some have chosen to get an abortion, while others miscarried their babies.

Anyway, it seems that every other month, another ’16 and Pregnant’ or ‘Teen Mom’ girl is announcing that she’s once again with child. It’s hard to keep track, so The Ashley has created this “Bump-o-Meter” to track the progress of the pregnancies. (Yes, I need a life. Yes, I need help. Yes, we shouldn’t care about this crap, but we do!)

From the least-pregnant to most likely to pop at any moment: