Last week on The Bachelor, we watched as girls drunkenly (but metaphorically) clawed each other’s eyes out to win the attention of the fab-abbed Sean Lowe. This week, the ones that survived the first cut are moving into the house and into our [sad, reality-TV-loving] lives as they embark on this “journey” to find true love and/or 15 minutes of reality TV fame and/or a chance to go on Dancing With the Stars in a few years.
As all faithful ‘Bachelor’ fans know, the first few episodes after the premiere are generally nauseating, packed with annoying group dates, product placement and just downright strange activities, so if I were you I’d grab some sort of container just in case you feel the need to vomit at any time during the evening.
Anyway, the episode starts off with a shirtless and sweaty Sean, getting his fitness on. Back at the Mansion, Chris Harrison brings the first one-on-one date card for Sarah, who finds out that she will be picked up by Sean later that day. Naturally, Sean arrives via helicopter, and all the girls swoon. Sean and Sarah get cozy in the helicopter, leaving the rest of the girls in the dust, literally. (Do you know how hard it is to get dust out of a synthetic weave?! Girl!)
They fly over the streets of Los Angeles, and the camera crew keeps zooming in on Sarah’s missing arm. (Way to keep it classy, guys!) It’s literally like Sean’s face-Sarah’s face-Missing Arm-Repeat.
They land on top of a building and Sean tells Sarah that they will free-falling down to the bottom for a champagne toast. (Free-falling?! What, was the repelling company busy that day?) As she’s being strapped in, Sarah looks like she’s about to poop in her Hanes Her Ways. Sean, meanwhile, is cool and collected, which makes Sarah feel comforted.
They really need to start getting more creative with these dates. Seriously, every season they have these people either climbing up/repelling down/free-falling off of a building on the second episode. It’s the same every season. The girl’s scared, the guy holds them, the girl falls in love, they bond over the scary thing they just did together. Ho-hum. Call me when someone splatters to their death and ABC gets sued.
Anyway, they land safely and unpop some champagne to celebrate the fact that they get to continue to live. Later, they meet for dinner and Sarah shares the story of how some guy at the Las Vegas zip-line company basically called her a cripple and wouldn’t let her zipline because of her arm. The camera man, of course, zooms in on Sarah’s arm, while heartfelt piano music plays softly in the background. Good Lord, why not just have Clay Aiken come out and sing “Bridge Over Troubled Water” while freeze-framing on Sarah’s arm? I think I’m going to upchuck my dinner.
Sarah tells us that she’s convinced that Sean’s the perfect guy for her. (I mean, they have had one date, after all.) My question is why the hell does she stretch all of her words out when she talks? Seriously, every time she says something it sounds like she’s been knocking back Ambien and Jack Daniels all night, the way she slurs her words. (“I’m tooootally fallllling for Seeeeean. He’s the perrrrrfect guy for meeeee.”) Ugh. Apparently, her strange way of speaking doesn’t seem to bother Sean because he not only gives her the rose, but also one of his signature Sean smooches. (Looks like someone has been practicing the “Arie head turn” with his pillow!) Sarah says she’s “falllling in loooove.”
The next morning, the girls all pile into the limos and head out to the group date location. My stomach is already feeling queasy. I just know this date is going to involve Muppets, terrible costumes or some sort of horrific acting opportunity.
Katie, the yoga instructor with hair that looks like Scary Spice, says that she hopes she won’t be overshadowed by the other girls. Honey, with that crazy mop there’s no way will miss you. Now seeing behind you, that may be a problem. Sean, trying to embrace the new multi-cultural “flava” this season, greets them with “Wut up, gurrrrls!” Yup, that really happened. If he comes out wearing a do-rag on any of these episodes, I’m checking out. Just sayin’.
Anyway, the girls find out that they will be cover model for the Harlequin romance novel series! Kristy makes sure to let everyone know that she’s a model and basically has this in the bag. She then goes around spewing unsolicited modeling tips, while Tierra is just sitting there bagging on everyone. I would probably be trying to fashion a noose out of the cord of a curling iron if I was there. It’s seriously awful.
At one point, Tierra’s hair stylist asks her if she has hair extensions, to which she replies that she’s “all natural, baby!” She does this while her big ol’ fake boobies are literally resting on the makeup table. Sure, Tierra, those are natural. We’ll just throw that lie on top of the one you told when you claimed to be 24 years old. <cough> bullsh*t <cough> And for the love of God, please get some bangs or something to cover up that damn dent in your forehead! (You know you stare at it every single time she’s on the screen, too!)
The girls are divided into four groups: hillbilly hoes, some strange Scarlett O’Hara theme, a vampire shoot and what I’m assuming is a “Bad 1990s Prom Dress Glamour” theme. It’s basically a yawnfest, except for when Kristy (who’s a model, in case you didn’t hear her the 45th time she told us), gets all up in Sean’s grill and gets “fierce” (yeah, I just used a ‘Top Model’ reference and, yes, I’m embarrassed by it). The other girls are intimidated by Kristy, who ends up winning the prize, which is the opportunity to appear on three romance novel covers. Of course, she could care less about that, because she’s here for Sean. How she said that with a straight face, I’ll never know.
Later, the girls meet up with Sean at a hotel pool. He sits down to talk to Leslie, who tells him that she’s there to find love. That makes Sean want to kiss her, but unfortunately, Leslie won’t shut her trap long enough to let him lean in and lay a sloppy Sean special on her. It gets all awkward and eventually Leslie and Sean aren’t even really talking, they’re just grunting and saying weird random word fragments back and forth.
Later, Sean sits down with Kacie [B.] who asks him if he could ever think of her as anything but a friend. Sean tells her, “I.Am.Excited.That.You.Are.Here,” which she buys, but the rest of us know that this chick’s not long for the road.
All of the girls are swooning over Sean, except for Katie, who’s feeling awkward and out of place. (Her hair, by this point, has grown to astronomical levels. It’s seriously like a Saturday Night Live sketch because every time the camera comes back on her, her hair is bigger. Seriously, girl, what light socket did you stick your finger in to get your hair like that?!)
Eventually, Katie tells Sean “thanks but no thanks” and that she is over this whole charade and just wants to go home. Sean doesn’t seem all that broken up about her leaving. I mean, how much longer was he going to be able to pretend that she didn’t have a rat’s nest on top of her damn head?
After Katie is shuttled away, Sean decides to give the date rose to Kacie [B.] Tierra is pissed, and if I were Kacie, I’d be sleeping with one eye open. Seriously, this chick is crazy and will likely try to skin you in the night!
The next day is Sean’s one-on-one date with Desiree. This date is so boring; literally I’d rather watch Emily Maynard give herself a spray tan than watch this crap, so I’m going to quickly sum up what happened. Sean decides to play a prank on Desiree, takes her to a fake art gallery where they make it seem like Desiree has accidentally knocked down a priceless piece of art. She looks like she wants to cry, Sean and Chris Harrison have a good laugh at her expense, and finally tell her they were just joking. They go back to his place, pretend to eat some steak and veggies and end up in the hot tub…talking about their parents. Seriously. Seriously?! God, someone bring Womack back, pronto!
Sean keeps dropping in all the right keywords: “marriage,” “love,” “best friend” “forever,” and by the end of the night Desiree is basically just mush in his hand. Of course, he gives her the rose and she tells us that it feels like Sean’s her boyfriend. Don’t tell Tierra that, unless you want to be skinned!
The next night is the cocktail party, although no one is feeling all that cheerful. The girls are all very stressed and are all sitting there with strained faces, until Sean walks in. After that, they all perk up. He pulls Lindsay (a.k.a Wedding Dress Girl) aside to chat, since she tells us that last time we saw her she “wasn’t being herself,” which is a kind way of saying she was drunker than a sailor on shore leave
Sean seems to be willing to give her a second chance, and seems really into her once she busts out the “I want to marry my best friend” line. Seriously, how many times are these girls going to say that!?
Meanwhile, Amanda has gone mute and refuses to speak to any of the girls, or even answer them when they address her. She is sitting there in a sinfully ugly yellow dress with a sinfully ugly sourface, and everyone is starting to talk about how weird she is. Just when we think that someone should go check her pulse to make sure she is still alive, Sean walks in and she suddenly she becomes Kelly Kapowski from ‘Saved by the Bell’: happy, cheerful and smiling. The other girls utter that she’s a “complete fake” and that Sean needs to be warned.
Robyn decides to go out on a limb and ask Sean what he thinks about there being a few “sistas” in the mix this year. Sean surprises everyone by saying that despite how whitebread he looks, he enjoys a little “flava” to his women, even revealing that his last girlfriend was black. Robyn seems relieved that her race won’t be an issue with Sean (as am I because she seems like one of the only normal women in this nuthouse!)
I’m still not buying all this. I think the reason there are more “culturally diverse” women this season is because ABC is afraid of getting sued again for being racist. But believe what you want.
Anyway, it’s time for Sean to handle some business and hand out some flowers. Roses start being given out, and finally the last rose goes to Amanda, which shocks most of the other girls. The casualties of the night are Brooke, who was just a bit ghetto-fab, and Dianna, who is the girl who had two kids. They go home brokenhearted.
Next week: Sean goes to the beach, the amusement park and kisses a bunch of chicks. Tierra sluts it up big time, which ends up getting her pushed down the stairs by one of the other girls, apparently.
Neck braces await us!
Did you miss last week’s recap? Click here to read all about what happened on the premiere episode!