Oh hello week-old Teen Mom 2 recap! The Ashley’s been deep in the trenches working on lots of fun stuff for you Roundupers, so, as per usual, this recap is late. Anyway, this week’s episode is actually the season 3 sort-of finale, so to reward us for sitting through another season of this crap, MTV went ahead and made this a 90-minute episode.
We start things off with Leah who’s still reeling from the news that she’s pregnant again. She hasn’t told anyone yet (except for the MTV camera crew, of course) that she’s expecting, so she decides to deliver the big news to her fiance Jeremy via a two-minute phone call.
Jeremy doesn’t seem all that surprised when Leah tells him she’s pregnant, which tells us that 1) He knew diddling a sans-IUD Leah was bound to produce a child (or two!) ASAP or 2) He had known about her being pregnant for awhile and MTV had them set up this happy scene for the cameras.
Jeremy rushes home to be with his pregnant wife, who’s worried what everyone will say when they find out she’s knocked up again. Jeremy’s not all that worried, but, as Leah puts it, “You waited ‘til you was 23 to have a kid. That’s pretty smart!”
Apparently in West Virginia, you’ve got “the smarts” if you manage to make it through your teen years without getting impregnated/impregnating someone. If you happen to make it to 30 without having a kid, you’re considered a genius. (Please someone from West Virginia tell me that this isn’t how everyone down there thinks!)
Leah tells Jeremy that she hopes he is “really, really ready” to be a parent. I mean, how could he not be ready? Y’all have been together for months (like, two!) It’s about time to pop out a kid!
Over in South Dakota, Chelsea’s also awaiting the results of a very important test. No, it’s not a pregnancy test, as her main squeeze, Adam, is currently boinking every big-haired, overly tanned girl in South Dakota that’s not Chelsea, so there’s no chance of Chelsea getting pregnant, at least for now.
Instead, Chelsea’s waiting on the results of her GED test. (Please, God, let this chick pass her stupid test! I’m so tired of hearing about it, I’m tempted to go up to South Dakota, plop on a blond Dolly Parton wig and take the damn test for her!) Since she plans on enrolling in beauty school once she passes her test, she heads out to look for a daycare center to leave Aubree at while she goes to school.
Chelsea sits down with the daycare director, who tells her that the daycare’s main objective is that kids learn through play. (That sounds right up Chelsea’s alley, except for that whole “learning” part!)
Over at Kail’s, it’s almost time for Isaac’s second birthday. Kail and Javi have been spending a lot of time together lately, but have yet to make their relationship official. Meanwhile, Jo and his hoodrat hussy, Vee sit down to discuss how Jo and Kail are “like, co-parenting…and stuff.” Vee says she’d like to write Kail a letter to help clear the air between them, even though she believes that Kail is still in love with Jo. To this Jo legit responds, “I’d expect nothing less than that.” Easssssy. I hope his head can fit through the door!
A few days later, Jo arrives at Kail’s house to deliver Isaac, along with Vee’s letter. (I wonder if Vee wrote the letter on Lisa Frank stationary? ‘Member back in elementary school when all the girls would bust out their best rainbow-and-unicorn stationary and write “Do you want to be my best friend? Check Yes or No?” That’s how I picture Vee’s letter to Kail.)
Kail is not impressed with the letter, and tells Jo that she’s not ready to meet and be BFFs with his new girlfriend. Eventually, Jo tells Kail to “go f*ck herself” and then tells Isaac to “tell mommy to f*cking relax!” Aww….now that’s something for the baby book: baby’s first F-bomb!
Over in North Carolina, Jenelle says she really wants to focus on school and finishing her probation. (I know, I got a good chuckle out of that one too!) Unfortunately, her (potential) baby-daddy, Andrew, seems to be getting in the way. Jenelle wants him to take a DNA test to see if he is Jace’s father and Andrew agrees. Before they get the results, “Andrew” (and by Andrew I mean “MTV producers”) wants to do a Skype session with Jenelle and Jace. “As long as it’s quick, that’s fine,” Jenelle tells him. Ironically, I think that’s the exact same thing Jenelle told Andrew on the night that Jace was conceived!
Jenelle and Jace log onto the video chat and as soon as Andrew’s mug appears on screen, Jace asks, “Who’s that?!” Andrew gleefully proclaims that although Jace has never seen him before, he’s seen Jace plenty of times. (Am I the only one that thinks something about this scene is creepy? Like “Call-Chris Hanson-from-Dateline-NBC-creepy?”)
Andrew says that there’s no way Jace is his spawn because he looks nothing like him. (Thank goodness for that! Andrew’s rocking some awful dark circles under his eyes. Seriously, he looks like he went 10 rounds with Amber Portwood!)
Meanwhile, Leah has called her mother, Dawn, and asked her to come over because she has something very important to tell her. Dawn’s not thrilled that she has to trudge over to Leah’s house at the crack of dawn and have MTV cameras shoved in her face just so Leah can tell her some “big news.” Leah starts by saying, “You know I had my IUD took out,” and you can just see it on Dawn’s face that she knows where this conversation is going—straight to the maternity ward!
Leah says that she wanted to have her IUD taken out because she wants to have a baby. Dawn asks her, “Are you sure having a baby with a guy you just met, only a few months after you divorced the other guy you had two babies with this is a good idea,” to which Leah replies with a sassy, “Yes, ma’am!” Dawn just looks dumbfounded, and is certainly not prepared for Leah to tell her that she’s already pregnant!
“Well, you’re just a Fertile Myrtle!” Dawn proclaims as Leah beams proudly. I just….can’t….
Over in South Dakota, Chelsea heads to the beauty school to take their entrance exam. We get a gander a few of the test questions and they seem to be somewhere around a first-grade level. (“A is to Apple as B is to ____?”) Despite how easy it is, Chelsea doesn’t exactly ace it (as evident by the photo at left).
However, the school awards her a 91% and tells her she passed. She heads over to her friend Landon’s salon to deliver the good news.
Landon, who’s bringing the Adam Lambert vibe hard, attempts to comb out Chelsea’s Top Ramen rat’s nest of hair while Chelsea tells him about her future career plans. All of a sudden, Chelsea’s required-to-be-in-every-episode friend, Erika, arrives and the three of them discuss how “cray cray” it is that Chelsea’s going to school. Well, at least we now know why it took this girl three years to pass a damn test!
In North Carolina, Jenelle, Barbara and Jace are all piling into the car to head to the local AnyLabTestNow! (I swear that’s what it’s called—I didn’t make that up!) to get Jace all swabbed up for his DNA test. Barbara appears to be really, really excited about all of this DNA paternity test stuff. (“It’s just like bein’ on tha Maury Povich show!”) I hope that someone told her that Maury is not involved with every paternity test and won’t be there to personally read the results .
Later that day, Jenelle tells her friend Allison all about Andrew and the DNA testing. “I just don’t understand how someone can have a child and just not care about them,” she says. Um…isn’t it ironic (don’t ya think?!)
A few days later, the Evans clan is once again heading to AnyLabTestNow! to get the paternity test results. As the lab tech goes to fetch the results, Jenelle and Barbara are getting anxious. (“Oh, the suspense!” Babs cackles.) Finally, the lab tech returns and in true Maury-style, she dramatically reads the paternity test results, revealing that Andrew is Jace’s father.
Jenelle is unfazed, but Babs is shocked and disappointed. “This is terrible news!” she wails. “Jace is gonna be screwed up!” Classic Babs! I don’t understand why she’d say that, though. Andrew may be a prick, but at least Jace has a supportive, stable mother. Oh…wait.
Over in Pennsylvania, Kail, Javi and their friends are celebrating Isaac’s birthday. Halfway through the party, a stoic Jo arrives, and Kail announces that the situation is awkward. Kail, Javi and Jo all stand in the kitchen staring at each other without saying anything. Later, Kail tells her friend Toni that she hopes that by Isaac’s next birthday, she and Jo will be in a better place.
Over in Leah’s neck of the woods, it seems that a lot of the townspeople have been gossiping about Leah being knocked up again, so Leah decides she needs to tell Corey before he finds out from one of the local gossip hicks. Corey arrives and Leah tells him that she and Jeremy are engaged. Corey has obviously heard the rumors and asks if it’s true that she’s pregnant again. Leah grabs a random Magna Doodle and scribbles a big “Y” on it, confirming that, yes, she is once again with child. (What? Isn’t this how you told your baby-daddy that you were pregnant with some other’s dude’s kid?)
Corey congratulates her but is fighting back tears. It’s so obvious that he still loves her. Depressed, Leah calls Jeremy to find out if he still wants a baby. Um…isn’t that something you should’ve asked him before taking your IUD out? Just sayin’….
The next night, Leah and Corey meet up to exchange the twins and discuss the awkwardness of the night before. Corey asks Leah if she’s moved on from him and Leah tells him that she hasn’t. Corey looks devastated as he realizes that Leah’s pregnancy has pretty much ruined any chance of them getting back together. After dramatically proclaiming that he’ll remember this moment for the rest of his life, he takes off, leaving Leah alone and crying in her car.
Meanwhile, in North Carolina, Jenelle once again logs onto the Skype to talk to Andrew. This time, however, Babs is joining her on the video chat. For some reason, Andrew’s all dressed up like a member of the 1990s boy band O-Town to receive the DNA results. He’s shocked when Jenelle tells him that Jace is, indeed, his spawn, and promises to come around a lot more as soon as he “gets his life straightened out.” Why not just come now? What’s one more screwed-up person on top of the heap of people that are already in Jace’s life?
Andrew tells Jenelle that he thinks Babs has done a great job raising Jace. When he finds out that Babs is standing right next to Jenelle, he says he’s scared to talk to her. “I won’t bite ya, Ann-drew!” she croaks. Oh, Babs. I heart you. Apparently, Andrew does too, because he ends the video chat with a creepy, “I love you guys.” Babs gets a kick out of this, cackling, “He loves me!”
Over in South Dakota, Chelsea’s test results have arrived, so she brings them over to her dad’s house to open them. We find out that (thank the Lord!) she has passed. Can we please get a new story line for this chick!? To celebrate, Chelsea’s family, Erika (of course) and a few other friends go to lunch and buy Chelsea a crown. (She gets a lunch for taking three years to pass one test?! Geez, I didn’t even get a celebratory lunch when I graduated college!)
While at the lunch, Erika marvels at how Chelsea was just talking about getting her GED and now, all of a sudden, she’s done it. Yup, “all of a sudden” and about 24 freaking episodes of ‘Teen Mom 2’ and she’s finally passed!
After a touching montage that recaps the third season, we learn that the third season (part two) is starting back up on February 18. Um…isn’t this usually called Season 4? WTF?