This week’s episode of The Bachelor was the “very special” Women Tell All Episode, in which the women that were rejected by Sean Lowe all gather on one stage to reveal behind-the-scenes secrets about filming. Of course, this never happens; instead it is generally just a bunch of the biggest drama-causers coming back to cause more drama and verbally claw each other’s eyes out!

As they do every season, all of the rejected ladies amped it up big time in the looks department, in hopes of 1) getting chosen to be the next ‘Bachelorette’ and 2) hoping Sean will run backstage, rip the Neil Lane of his fiance’s hand and declare his undying love for the girl he let go.

Anyway, let’s get started. First, Sean and Chris Harrison head out to visit people having ‘Bachelor’ viewing parties. They show up at the doors of unsuspecting chicks, who open the door, scream and proceed to pull out their iPhones so that they can put a photo of them with Sean up on their Instagrams. 

After that nauseating scene, it’s time to wheel out all of Sean’s rejected women. Of course not all of the girls get the all-expenses-paid trip to Los Angeles, only the “good ones,” plus a few others to fill in the chairs. Tierra was noticeably absent from the stage, which means that either the producers are saving her for added drama later; or they are keeping her separated from the girls so she doesn’t maul AshLee‘s face off like a bath-salt-induced zombie.

Naturally the first topic that’s brought up is Tierra, and all the girls start bagging on her, and discussing how they hated riding the Tierra Crazy Train. Brooke, my favorite  from this season, tells the other ladies that they are jealous that Tierra was able to get so much extra time with Sean. They all turn to give Brooke the “oh no you did-n’t” look, but she has this look on her face that basically says, “Bring it, bitches!”

After a bunch of recapping, they finally wheel out Tierra. They give her her own segment, which is exactly what an attention whore like Tierra loves. She tells Chris that she lights up and brings joy to any room that she enters, and that she’s basically so pretty that girls automatically don’t like her. So not only is she an attention whore, but she’s also delusional. Moving on…

She moves into the hot seat and busts out her breathiest little girl voice while speaking with Chris Harrison. As usual, she’s playing the victim and explains how she was persecuted and tortured by the other girls, and that she doesn’t regret anything that she did.

Ugh….this girl. I am so done with her, and her sparkle and her forehead dent. Seriously. Can she just fall of the stage now, have them call the paramedics and carry her off and out of our lives? I’m sure she’d find some way to Skype into the rest of the reunion from the hospital though.

Soon, Tierra is going at it with Brooke, and all we can hope for is that one of the girls will pick up a chair (and/or Tierra’s cot) and start tossing furniture at Tierra.

Next we find out that she paid some guy to act like she has a fiance. This poor schmuck, whoever he is, better either have a medical degree (to revive her during all of her impending health scares) and/or a ton of vodka to get him through the rest of his life.

Finally, they shuttle Tierra off the stage and bring up Sarah, who tells us that she was absolutely crushed when Sean sent her home unexpectedly. (To be fair, that was one of the most effed up break-ups I’ve ever seen on this show!) We get to see Sarah’s face as she watches herself get dumped by her “soul mate,” then have to pack up her stuff and cry in the limo. It’s kind of uncomfortable.

She tells Chris that she trusted Sean and that she could have pictured “forever” with him. All of the women (and the 2-4 gay men) in the audience nod sympathetically as she explains that she just can’t seem to find love and wishes that she could just find her Mr. Right. (Kind of a sledgehammer of a hint to make her the next ‘Bachelorette,’ eh?) Desiree and AshLee have their work cut out for them if they’re going to have a shot at the title. Seriously, they’re going to have to cry a lot.

After that, they bring up Desiree. She explains that Sean was her “true love” (gag) and that it’s hard to watch the scene in which her brother sabotages her Hometown Date. We also have to sit through the cringe-worthy clip in which she basically begs Sean not to send her home. She tells Chris that she is “very open to finding love on TV.”

Next up is AshLee (and all of her emotional baggage), who is just full of all her syrupy sentiments about Sean, soul mates, and what have you. I’m praying this girl doesn’t become the next ‘Bachelorette,’ because I honestly can’t take like 12 weeks of her musings on love. Seriously, everything she says sounds like it came straight off one of those “True Love” Tumblr pages.

After calling Sean a frat boy (see, Desiree’s brother was right!) they finally bring out Sean, who proceeds to tell AshLee that she was “lacking the laughter he needed.” This basically translates to “You’re way too much of a gloomy Gus for me to marry and I’m so over hearing about your abandonment issues.”

This episode really sucks. The only time it gets even remotely good is when AshLee calls out Sean for telling her that he had no interest in the other girls and that it would be her in the end. Of course, Sean vehemently denies this, but AshLee insists that he said that. They even talk “off camera” (but also still on camera) during the commercial break about whether he said it or not. In the end, we may never know…but luckily, I could give a crap.

Best lines of the night:

• “Tierra made her bed, well, her cot, [so she has to lie in it].” -Lesley
• “Who really cares about my eyebrow?! Who cares?” -Tierra

Next week, we finally get to see which one of these chicks Sean chooses to be his fiance for a few weeks wife.