Welcome to Part One of the Most.Dramatic.Bachelorette.Finale.EVER! Basically this episode was apparently so ridiculously full of drama that they had to divide it into two parts. So, in other words, producers decided to milk every single drop of drama they could out of it. However, The Ashley isn’t complaining– it’s not like she had anything better to do on her Monday nights!

Before we can get to the goods, we, of course, had to sit through about 15 minutes of recapped moments. Seriously, how many times must we be subjected to watching the “Brian Has a Girlfriend” scene and the James debacle. Yes, we get it– one was boning someone else, and the other had plans to bone someone else after the show…let’s move on please. The only good thing about them doing the long recap was that it gave The Ashley a chance to fix herself a snack before the good stuff started happening!

Moving right along, it’s time for Desiree to spend about ten minutes talking about how all three guys are perfect, treat her like a princess, etc. It’s funny because we’re all still pretending that poor Drew actually has a shot. You know he’s going home, I know he’s going home, Desiree knows he’s going home…can we just get it over with already? Throw him on the heap of rejects (on top of a singing still-in-love Zak W.) and let’s be on our way and watch Chris and Brooks battle for Des’ heart.

Desiree arrives in Antigua to first spend the day with Drew. Although in previous recaps I have made my share of “Brooks is gay” jokes….I’d like to go on record and say that, while I still think Brooks enjoys the occasional pickle tickle, I think Drew is even more gay than Brooks. It’s so obvious. How did I miss this!?

Des is trying her best to convince us that Drew actually has a shot, marveling at how “honest and loyal” he is and how…um, great his skin is. That sounds promising. They hop into a Jeep and cruise around town, stopping at a local “party” where there’s music playing and people dancing. Lawdy lord help me…I feel some bad white people dancing coming on!

After the locals are forced to endure that, it’s time for cocktails. Naturally, Drew chooses a pink drink full of fruit and topped with a pink umbrella. I’m sure he ordered a scotch on the rocks but the bartender must have “accidentally” given him this by mistake. Yeah. That’s it.

Next they walk over to a secret garden (full of cameramen) where they talk about being in love before heading to the beach for a moonlight makeout session. By this time it’s pouring down rain but Des thinks it’s romantic.My hair would look like Lil’ Orphan Annie’s if I tried to do that. Someone would probably mistake me for some beastly animal and shoot me.

The rain has ruined their beach picnic, so they just head right into the Fantasy Suite to continue the night. Drew says he’s thrilled to accept the Fantasy Suite invite from Des, because he looks forward to waking up next to her and that Des is what he’s been searching for his whole life. Mmmmhmmm…

Drew keeps gushing over Des and says he’s ready to marry her right now. They go over to the rose-covered bed and Drew tells us he’s positive that he’s going to end up marrying this woman. Honey, not only are you not going to that woman, but you’re probably not going to marry any woman. Ever. But I’ll let you figure that out yourself.

To convince us that they’re in love, Des and Drew sit on the bed, Indian-style and kiss like a couple of middle school kids. Seriously, they just smash their faces together awkwardly, before kicking the camera crews out for the night so they can get their “sexy time” on (and by “sexy time” I mean paint each other’s nails and talk about how cute Brooks is.)

That’s the last “Drew is gay” joke, I swear!

The next day, it’s time for Des to meet up with Chris. They stroll along the beach before piling into a helicopter. There has been a real lack ‘o’ helicopter this season, so this makes The Ashley excited. They fly over to the island of Barbuda for a beach picnic, where Desiree delivers a touching toast. (“To….Antigua!”) I hope she wrote that one down to use at their wedding.

Next it’s time for the required “Lying in the surf making out” shot, before (of course) drawing a heart with their names in the sand. Seriously, normal people don’t do this crap. This is why none of these couples ever work out!

Desiree tells us that she loves how everything with Chris “comes really fast and easy.” (Let’s hope that doesn’t also apply to the Fantasy Suite later on tonight!)

They frolic in the waves before heading to a tropical dinner, where they discuss their future. Chris brings up the fact that he wants to live in Seattle, basically telling her to buy some rain boots because he’s not moving for her. Desiree tells him that she doesn’t want to leave California, but that somehow morphs into “I’ll move wherever I have to for you.” I’m assuming none of this would happen until after she goes on Dancing With the Stars, of course.

Things are going well on the date, so Des whips out the Fantasy Suite card and presents it to Chris, who accepts the offer. He says he’d like to use the night to “look at the stars.” I assume that’s code for “Let out nine weeks of sexual tension.”

Of course, before they can go get freaky in the Fantasy Suite, Chris has to whip out one of his signature crappy ass poems for the occasion. This one isn’t even a poem, it’s just a jumble of sentences that literally make no sense at all. Afterwards, they jump into the hot tub. Des is conveniently wearing a strapless bikini so that they can get a lot of back shots that make her look like she’s naked.

While all this is going on, our buddy Brooks appears to be having a hard time with it all. In fact, he’s convinced the producers that he needs to fly to Boise, Idaho, so that he can talk to his mom and sister about everything that’s going on. (Wait, I thought his family was from Utah?) He tells his family that he’s not sure why he isn’t able to be in love with Desiree. Um…maybe it’s because you guys have gone on like four dates?!

He tells them that this is the week of the “exotic” date (aka sexy-time date) and that they idea of proposing makes him uncomfortable. As it should! This kid’s the only smart one in the bunch!

His mom tells him not to give into the pressure to propose if he’s not feeling it, and it appears the whole situation is making Brooks all stressed out and sweaty.

Back in Antigua, Desiree is hosing down her private parts after her Fantasy Suite date with Chris so that she can be ready for that day’s date with Brooks. She says that she’s in love with Brooks and that he’s the frontrunner. However, instead of Brooks heading to meet Des, he goes to chat with Chris Harrison. When Harrison gets involved, you know sh*t’s about to go down!

Brooks tells Chris that, as bad as he wants to be, he isn’t in love with Des, nor does he think he ever will be. He also says he doesn’t think he’ll ever want to propose and that he knows Desiree isn’t the love of his life. (Gasp!)

Chris H. is frantically trying to keep Brooks on the show, trying to convince him to just go to the Fantasy Suite with Des, but Brooks isn’t having it. He insists that it’s not marriage or commitment that he doesn’t want–it’s Desiree. He’s sad that he has to break her heart (and risk getting pummeled by her brawny brother), but he knows he has to break up with her. He says he doesn’t know if he has the right words to tell her. Why not have Chris write a poem about it?

Brooks knows what he has to do, and he sulks all the way to his meeting spot with Desiree. She immediately notices his sour face and asks what’s wrong. He starts babbling incoherently, dragging it out for about 10 painful minutes before finally delivering the bad news to Desiree.

He tells her that he doesn’t love and will never love her, which makes her cry. He then tells her that he would have said something sooner had he known, and that he just doesn’t think their relationship will last after the show. (Hey, it never stopped any of the show’s other couples from getting engaged after a few weeks! Give it a shot, Brooks!)

Desiree then admits to Brooks that she’s in love with him, but wasn’t allowed to tell him before. She says she was planning on giving him the good news today. (Her saying this makes me think we were about to have an Ali Fedotowsky-like finale, at least in Desiree’s mind, in which she was going to send the other guys home early because she already knew which one it was supposed to be in the end.)

After she says that, they basically both just sit there and cry for like five minutes. We are actually just sitting there, watching these two numbnuts blubber. The cameramen are trying to get all up in there, zooming in on their tears. Classy.

Despite the fact that Brooks has already told her he doesn’t want her, Desiree still seems like she’s trying to get him to stay. Oh, come on, Desiree, just let Drew and Brooks be together, and you can marry Chris. It’s a win/win for everyone!

She then starts playing the martyr, saying, “For once in my life I was hopeful” and “”I never really felt completely loved by anyone.” Um…I’m pretty sure ol’ Zak W. would marry you in a second. And bring his snowcone van.

Brooks obviously feels bad about breaking her heart, and keeps apologizing to her. I can’t really concentrate on that, because I keep watching as his hair swirls around and around his head. It’s seriously becoming a black curly creepy fro. (Is Brooks trying to be the New Jan Brady?!)

Brooks says he doesn’t want to leave her and is now questioning his decision to leave. After subjecting us to like 20 minutes of crying, you better hit the road! He just keeps saying “Sorry Des…Sorry….” over and over and she wails that she wanted him to meet her family, have his babies, etc. She adds that it was basically going to be him the whole time and that when she went on dates with other guys, she wanted it to be him. (I wonder if that applies to what happened in the Fantasy Suite with her and Chris the night before? That’s got to make Chris feel great!)

Brooks is trying to figure out a way to “be done” with this but she keeps crying. Finally she releases him after the 700th “sorry” and she goes down to the docks for more crying. Brooks, too, breaks down and proclaims, “This is the worst day of my life!” If only Zak W. were there with his guitar to serenade you through this heartache!

Desiree later tells us that she’s heartbroken and that she knows that she doesn’t really want either of the other two guys that are left and that it’s basically over for her.

Next week— we get to see how this all plays out. Will Desiree just settle and marry one of the other guys? Will Drew profess his love for Brooks? Will Brooks come back for Desiree (and/or Drew)? Why do we even care?

Until next week, kids…

(Photos: ABC/ New Jan Brady: CBS)