Let the catfights begin! This week’s episode marks the first of Juan Pablo‘s dates on this season of The Bachelor, which means the girls are going to get their Victoria’s Secret thongs all up in a bunch when they see him swapping spit with some other broad. As us faithful ‘Bachelor’ fans know, the first couple of weeks are also the ones that will feature group dates that will be a complete embarrassment for everyone involved: the desperate girls, Juan Pablo and, most of all, us for spending our Monday night watching this crap.

Anyway, the episode starts off with Juan Pablo arriving at the Mansion and all the girls fulfill their contractual obligation to swoon over him. Somehow Clare (who is sans her baby bump from the first episode) has managed to snag the first one-on-one date.

(Did I miss an episode or something?! When did he decide this?) He comes to pick her up for the date and promptly blindfolds her and throws her into a car with dark windows. It looks like the beginning of a very spontaneous and romantic date…or one of those Lifetime Movie of the Weeks about kidnapping.

After driving for a while, we see that ‘Juan Pablo’ (aka three producers, a set designer and some production assistants) has created a Winter Wonderland for their date, complete with snow, sledding and ice skating! They have a grand time frolicking in the snow, and Juan Pablo seems to really like Clare. He says he likes how she can “joke around” and that she might make a nice stepmom for Camila. (“Wrap her up! I’ll take her!”)

Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor Mansion, Lucy is busy spreading her bodily fluids into the hot tub by skinny-dipping. The girls say Lucy is just a hippie. I say Lucy is someone looking for attention that wants to see herself be talked about on all the blogs. (Hi Lucy!)

Anyway, JP and Clare seem to really be hitting it off. We know this because Clare has already nailed all the ‘Bachelor’ phrases. She has told us that she is “open for love’ and that she’s “put herself out there.” Next we will be hearing how she’s “falling for” Juan Pablo. Just wait…

Next they head over to the hot tub. Although JP seems to be ready to put his chorizo in her tortilla, Clare wants to have a nice chat in the jacuzzi. She decides to bring up how no man will ever compare to her dead father. She’s rattling on and on about her dad and we can see Juan Pablo’s love-thruster just deflating like a sad balloon. He does manage to get in one kiss before she starts up with the Daddy talk again.

Of course, she tells us that she’s “falling for” Juan Pablo. (Told ya!) She also says that he has “stirred something up inside her.” Oh, you just wait, honey! You just wait…

After the jaunt in the jacuzzi, it’s time for the required private concert. They hear music and head over to where some dude that we’ve never heard of is singing and playing the guitar. I’m pretty sure it’s either Jesus or Bo Bice from American Idol. They dance in the snow in their bathing suits (as you do) and suddenly “snow” starts to fall on them. “Where is that coming from?” Clare says. Um…probably from that poor underpaid production assistant that’s sitting 10 feet above you shaking InstaSnow on your heads.

The next day is Juan Pablo’s one-on-one date with Kat. They drive to an airport and board a private plane. Kat says that this is exactly the kind of guy she wants, the kind that will surprise her with elaborate dates and make her feel special. Um…she knows that he’s not always going to be like this, right? Wait five years…if he leaves the toilet seat down for you, you consider it a special gift.

But I digress..

Anyway, JP emerges from the airplane bathroom wearing some neon clothing and gives Kat some to wear as well. The clothes glow in the dark, which is our first hint that this date will be completely nauseating. They land and walk into an outdoor glow-in-the-dark wonderland.

Basically, it looks like ABC has created the world’s lamest fake rave ever. Seriously, it looks like the “glow dance” my high school had when I was in 9th grade.

Apparently it is a glow-in-the-dark run in Salt Lake City. Nothing says romance like getting sweaty with a herd of people all wearing glow necklaces, right?! Of course, Kat doesn’t miss the opportunity to point out the “electricity” between her and Juan Pablo. (See what she did there?)

Soon, JP and Kat are brought up on stage to dance in front of everyone. Kat notices that there is a rose on stage with them. How awesome would it be if he told her ‘Thanks but no thanks” in front of thousands of glowing people!? Unfortunately he really seems to like Kat and he ends up giving her the rose. I never get my way.

The next day is a group date. A whole gaggle of girls head over to some warehouse thing and find out that they will be doing a photo shoot to help promote pet adoptions. Although The Ashley loves any cause that has to do with shelter animals, this scene was pretty dull so let’s speed it up a bit, shall we?

Some strange man with a goatee full of blue Kool-Aid is running things, and gets to decide which girls will wear beautiful ball gowns and which ones have to dress up like a used condom. Two other girls– Elise and Andi, are given nothing but a sign to wear, which makes them both very uncomfortable. As a first grade teacher and a lawyer, respectively, this just isn’t going to work.

Elise goes and fetches Lucy, who is thrilled to strip down in front of everyone and trade costumes with Elise. Andi, however, is still nervous, so she tries to persuade the  man (who I’m convinced is actually Lord Licorice from CandyLand) to let her switch costumes but he basically just spits in her face and tells her to get naked. Later, JP comes over and pressures her into showing everyone her hoo-ha.

All the other girls are standing in the other room talking about how empowering it must be for Andi to be photographed naked. Um…yeah, y’all need to shut your ballgown-wearing mouths. It’s only ’empowering’ because it’s not you!

Later that night, the gals throw on their best swapmeet spandex dresses and they all head up to (guess!?) a hotel pool area! JP says he’s “very looking forward to getting to know” some of the girls, and the first he pulls aside is Cassandra, the former NBA dancer. Apparently, like Renee, she’s also a single mom and she decides now is a good time to tell JP. She says that her kid is about two years old, which tells us that she was probably banging some basketball player a few summers back.

Next, Renee gets her alone time with JP. She’s practically begging him to kiss her, pathetically placing her face right in front of his but JP won’t do it. (Maybe she had a nasty cold sore or something?) Meanwhile, Victoria (who I don’t remember at all) is getting wickedly drunk. She’s insisting that she hasn’t even had one glass of champagne (but I’m sure she’s had about a bottle and a half of Jack Daniels, judging by her slur. Seriously, I can smell her wino breath from here!)

Some of the other girls try to get her to stop drinking, but Vicky ain’t having it! She’s all sweaty and loud, but JP is too busy swooning over Nurse Nikki to notice her drunken shenanigans.

Victoria is telling everyone that Juan Pablo is her boyfriend now and that she gave him the “hymen maneuver” and saved his life. I just…..can’t. It’s almost too easy!

Victoria decides to stumble over to where JP and Nikki are chatting. It’s basically the best scene ever. She walks over to them, stares at them like someone’s dirty uncle would, and then just yells a random cuss word and runs off. Not gonna lie, I watched that part like five times.

Vic runs into the bathroom to go cry/hurl/rub her girl bits on the dirty tile floor (as you do) and motherly Renee comes in to try to help reel in the crazy. She slithers under the bathroom stall door to try to talk to Victoria, but there’s just no reasoning with that level of hot mess.

She is soon screaming and crying (and I believe threatening Juan Pablo’s life) and finally storms out of the bathroom and announces that she’s “done” with it all. She demands to go home, but doesn’t want to wait for the producer to fetch her some shoes and a cab. What they ought to fetch is a net to put over her head and use to haul her into the loony bin.

One of the girls informs Juan Pablo what’s happening and, to help prevent Victoria from torching the place, he goes into the bathroom to try to talk to her.

She’s still crying her tequila tears and he looks like he is so over all of these broads. He goes back to the other girls and explains that Victoria’s “having a difficult time” and that we shouldn’t judge her. After they decide as a group that they feel bad for her, JP gives the date rose to Kelly (and her lazy eye) for being such a good sport at the photo shoot earlier in the day. He tells the girls to clean up the mess that is Victoria and takes off for the night.

The next day, the girls are all sitting around in their bras talking smack on Victoria, who has yet to come home. She’s been stashed at a hotel (probably in a straight jacket) so JP goes over there to talk to her.

She apologizes for “overreacting a little bit” and says she’s embarrassed. Juan Pablo accepts her apology but tells her that he’s 32 with a kid and isn’t going to deal with this crap. He is going to put her on the crazy train and send her back to whatever nuthouse she escaped from. Say hi to Tierra for us!

Anyway, it’s mercifully time for the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo enters the room (with the required Spanish guitar music playing softly in the background) and tells the girls that he’s sent Victoria home.

After a very awkward encounter with Amy, who, after “fake” interviewing JP we realize has no chance of being either a reporter or Juan Pablo’s wife, JP pulls aside Sardine Sharlene. She apologizes for being rude last week. She should be apologizing for wearing yet another horrendous dress. 

Meanwhile, Cassandra is crying in the corner because she misses her kid. Renee, once again, goes over to comfort her and they head upstairs to cry together over missing their children. Renee does know that there’s no Miss Congeniality award at the end of this, doesn’t she?

Juan Pablo follows them upstairs and, because he totally wants to get into Cassandra’s pants at some point in the near future, he convinces her to stay. She agrees and they all head down to the rose ceremony.

Kat, Kelly and Clare already have roses. He gives the first one to Cassandra (those tears really helped her nail it!), then gives flowers to Nikki and Andi. Elise, Chelsie, Sardine and Renee are also chosen, followed by Danielle (who?!), Lucy and Allison. He gives one to Lauren (the piano girl) and it’s down to only Amy, Chantel and Kristy. The final rose goes to Kristy, sending Amy and Charlene packing.  

That leaves us with 16 girls vying for Juan Pablo’s heart! Until next week kids….

To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s ‘Bachelor’ episode, click here!

(Photos: ABC)