The Ashley wasn’t going to recap this episode of Teen Mom 2, due to the fact that she waited so long that the next episode is about to air. However, when she found out that one of the girls get bitch-slapped with bacon, there was no way she could resist! I mean, there aren’t too many times in a writer’s life that she has an opportunity to write about an assault via processed meat product.

The episode starts in Delaware, where Kail and Javi are doing the final preparations for their wedding, which is only one week away. Kail’s excited about her big day but nervous that her bitchy bridesmaids will go all “Jerry Springer” at the reception because they are still upset about the damn purple earrings.

She also mentions that she wishes she wasn’t super pregnant for the big day. We then learn that Kail’s pregnancy wasn’t an accident at all. (No Mirenas were peed out here, people!) In fact, Kail says that she purposely took her birth control out after she and Javi were married because they wanted to have a baby.

Of course, Kail never thought that she’d get pregnant so fast after taking out her IUD, but Javi apparently has some super sperm that were able to get his wife Insta-Pregnant.

Next, they discuss who’s invited to the festivities. Well, actually, who’s not invited, and that’s Jo. (I thought at least he’d be brought in to do a special rap song for the couple’s first dance…what the hell?) Also unwelcome is Kail’s mother, Smirnoff Suzi. Why waste an invitation when you know it’s only going to be used as a coaster for Suzi’s next vodka/cranberry? Still, it makes Kail upset to realize that her mom is such a f*ck-up.

Next we visit Jenelle, who is feeling a bit guilty about her big blow-up with Babs last episode. (I guess Jenelle finally realized that Babs “didn’t put a needle in hah ahhhrm!”)

It’s Jace’s birthday, so Jenelle is watching him while Babs gets ready for his birthday party at her house. (Please, Baby Jesus, let her have booked Kieffa the Clown for the party! He shows the kids how to roll joints and will likely sticky-finger your credit card on the way out of the house!)

Jace gets all suited up for his paaaarty and then they head over to Casa de Babs.

In South Dakota, Chelsea and Other Chelsey head out to get coffee and talk crap on the Adam visitation situation. Chelsey says she sent the court proof of what a useless lump of trouble Adam is and she’s waiting to hear back from them. Chelsea is now requesting that Aubree have supervised visits with Adam, which means his parents will be there to take over her care, should Adam decide to stumble home drunk, or go pop wheelies on his motorcycle at 4 in the morning.

She says that she feels more like a divorced 35 year-old than the 22 year-old that she is.

Finally we go check in with Leah, who is stressed out because every time Jeremy comes home, it seems like he gets called back out to work. She can’t even get help bath-ing her baby! But, hey, at least his well-paying job has allowed Leah to bathe her kids in an actual bath tub, instead of the spider-filled “warshin” hole in the basement that she used to use!

Leah’s less-than-thrilled that Jeremy is going to be leaving once again, and she’s worried that she’s going to have to handle the entire litter of kids, plus selling her house and keeping her hair highlighted with whatever primary color is in vogue at the moment! It’s exhausting, y’all!

She tells Jeremy that he’s sometimes not there for her, and he reminds Leah that him taking a job as a Taco Bell Team Leader for $12 an hour ain’t gonna pay for their fancy house, hair and nail salon bills and car payments. Leah says she feels like a single mom and that her love for Jeremy is the only thing keeping her there. (Not to mention the hundos he brings home on the regular.) She then asks one of those weighted questions that only women can ask: “Do you ever fear that I will leave you over your job?” Jeremy says no, but it gets him thinking.

“I could just be a lazy bum,” he tells her. (Sorry, buddy, that position has already been filled by Adam Lind. Only one bum baby-daddy per show!)

Leah suggests they go to marriage counseling and Jeremy reminds her that she knew what she was getting into when she married him. That pisses her off, and she tells Jeremy to “man up!”

Meanwhile, Kail is getting ready to leave for Philadelphia, where her wedding is taking place. She’s packing everything up and Isaac comes in and basically becomes the cutest kid ever. “Look at your dress! I love your dress, Mommy!” he says in his sweet little voice. (That was enough to melt even The Ashley’s cold, cold heart.) He’s so sweet, even when he tells his mom that her dress “is very big.” It’s hard to be mad when the comment comes from someone with that sweet little voice!

In Carolina, it’s time for the “paaaarty” at Babs’ place. Babs is busy blowin’ up balloons, while her boooyfriend, Mike, is busy inflating a plastic pool. We get our first glimpse of the newest resident of Casa de Barb, a toddler named Gabriel. He belongs to Jenelle’s sister, Ashleigh, and was living at Babs’ place at the time, although MTV makes no mention of this.

Jenelle and Jace arrive, along with a Spiderman cake for Jace.

“See that frostin’?” Bab cackles. “It’s fondue, ya can’t eat it!” (Oh Babs, I love ya, but I think you meant “fondant.”)

Things get real freakin’ weird out of nowhere. They’re all talking about how beautiful Jace’s cake is and suddenly Jenelle starts screaming that Babs is “f**ked up in the head” (all while she’s scarfing down a hamburger.)

This tells us that a) MTV did their typical piss-poor editing with this scene or b) Jenelle seriously just flipped her lid out of nowhere.

Nathan calls Jenelle and tells her that he’ll be at the party. Babs is less-than-thrilled that Underwear Boy will be making an appearance at her house, but Jenelle tells her to shut it. Babs’ face totally says, “Lawd give me strength not to beat my bitch of a daughta with a fryin’ pan.” Had I spoken to my mother the way Jenelle did, that birthday party would have turned into a wake because well, my mother don’t play and I’d have been resting comfortably in a coffin.

In South Dakota, it’s time for Aubree’s first dance lessons. It will be a true test to see if the kid will take after her parents and quit after the first week of any type of schooling. Luckily, Aubree seems thrilled about her dance lessons. The instructor suggests Aubree take the beginning class. Um, really? See, I thought she was just gonna go straight to being a freakin’ Fly Girl.

The class is a combo of hip hop and ballet. (I can’t wait to see these kids at their recital: all decked out in what people in South Dakota think gangsters look like! That should make for quite the Kodak moment.) Chelsea seems to have trouble understanding that you can’t just show up whenever you want to and start dancing. The instructor tells her multiple times that the class starts at 5 p.m., yet Chelsea asks, “So we can just show up any Monday we want?”

Sigh. Can someone please help Chelsea?

In West Virginia, the girls are over at Corey‘s house, and Leah is still fighting with Jeremy. They have been snipping at each other ever since Leah mentioned that they need counseling. They start cooking, and Leah opens up a big ol’ fresh package of bacon. She continues to bug Jeremy to find out what’s wrong with him, and you can just tell he’s about to explode, but is trying to keep his cool. She just keeps at him, though, peppering him about the counseling.

“I don’t need Billy Bob down in Charleston tellin’ me what’s wrong in my marriage,” Jeremy says.

Well now, be fair, Jeremy. Billy Bob owns the used car lot, his brother Bobby John runs the counseling center.

Leah yells that Jeremy is driving her insane and continues to badger him. Finally, Jeremy can take no more and jokingly takes a sliver of bacon from its packaging and proceeds to bitch slap his wife with it.

AS. YOU.DO.

Raise your hand if you rewound and watched that scene more than five times? More than 10? Yeah, me too.

Leah is understandably upset by this. Not only did Jeremy bacon-slap her pretty hard, but to do so in the middle of a fight was pretty disrespectful, although very entertaining for us viewers.

Besides, we all know that Leah only likes one type of “meat assault”– the type that results in a baby nine months later and a three-page spread in Us Weekly.

She starts to cry when Jeremy says that he only did it to piss her off. They go outside to continue their fight, and Leah gets all huffy and says that Jeremy can have what he wants and not go to counseling. However, she does it in a way that lets him know that he’s most certainly going to end up at counseling.

MTV basically craps in Leah’s face by ending the scene by slapping a piece of cartoon bacon across her face.

In Philadelphia, Javi is hanging out in a hotel room with his groomsmen. One of the guys is prompted by the producer to ask Javi if “Kail is the one?” Um…I should hope so. They’re already married and have a kid on the way. No matter how “cold” his feet are, it’s going to take a divorce lawyer to get him out of this at this point!

One groomsman (who, for some reason is trying to bring the braided pigtails that Coolio sported back in 1994 back into vogue) says that when the baby comes, they’re going to “hear that thing every two hours.” Um…I’m not sure what types of babies this dude has dealt with, but I’ve never met one that stayed silent for two hours at a time. Don’t you watch, ‘Teen Mom 2,’ Pocahontas?

One of the groomsmen tries to calm Javi down and give him advice for enjoying the wedding day. However, it’s hard to take what he says seriously because he’s legit dressed as the red Power Ranger.

Kail is hanging out with her bridesmaids, including Javi’s family members. Kail said that she likes Javi because he’s her best friend and puts up with her. She also says that being with Javi has made her completely forget about Jo. One of Javi’s relatives explains why they were being bitchy about the earrings. She says that their family is close-knit and it’s hard for them to let someone else in. They agree to work on their communication and be more accepting of Kail.

In Carolina, we’re in the middle of Jace’s splish-splash celebration. Jace has just blown out the candles on the “fondue” cake when Underwear Boy shows up. Jenelle immediately wants to get him involved and tells Babs to let him scoop the ice cream. Babs is being oddly possessive of the ice cream scoop and then things start getting weird. Jace straight up slaps one of his little friends. (He was not, however, holding any type of processed meat product during the slapping.)

Jenelle and Babs both scold him for assaulting his friends, and then Nathan and Jenelle go off to talk about how great Nathan is. He goes over to hug Babs, and she’s like, “Oh hellll no!” He apologizes and she accepts, but makes it clear that she’s still angry that Nathan called her a bad mother. Nathan says that he wants her to see his “geniune-ality.” (Um?)

Babs then gets all “Godfather” on Nathan telling her that, while Jenelle is a bitch of a daughta, she’s her bitch of a daughta and God help Nathan if he hurts her. Nathan says he will never hurt Jenelle and that she is the joy and light of his life. He then goes to hug and kiss Barbara and she’s like, “All right, let’s not go ova-board ova here!”

After the “successful paaaaahrty,” Jenelle says that she noticed that Jace has been acting out lately. He starts hitting Jenelle as soon as she walks in, and Babs tells her that he always hits his cousin Gabe. They ask Jace why he’s so mean, which Jace answers by hitting Jenelle again. Barbara says that after Jace visits Jenelle, he comes back all aggressive and wild because he’s lacking attention. This is obviously a dig at Jenelle, but she doesn’t quite catch it. Jace starts kicking his toys and jumping all over the couch like a wild animal.

Meanwhile, Chelsea is busy at Skin School, watching Megan get a facial from Karma the instructor.

“So Megan has makeup on…” Karma tells the class.

Um…thanks, Captain Obvious. It’s not like we couldn’t see the seven pounds of makeup on Megan’s face from a mile away.

At Adam’s apartment, Adam and his pal Randy discuss how Adam hasn’t gone to work because he’s been “sick.” He tells his friend that although Chelsea is trying to protest the visitation papers he filed, she doesn’t really have much to use against her.

Sure, he’s had a couple (try three) DUIs, and, you know, spent some time behind bars, and currently holds a suspended drivers license, but that’s all that she could use to prove that he’s an unfit father. (Of course, they make no mention of anything but the “couple” DUIs on the episode– read my book for the full details of Adam’s degenerate lifestyle.)

Aubree has her first ballet lesson and Chelsea and Other Chelsey stay to watch. There are like 40 people watching the dance class in the waiting area. There really must not be much to do in South Dakota.

Meanwhile, Leah is tending to a sick Ali and hanging out with her sister Victoria. Leah tells Victoria how hard her life is, and Victoria totally calls her on her crap, telling her that, compared to most of the people around her, she has the perfect life. I mean, there aren’t too many people in their neck of the woods that have big fat MTV checks rolling in on the regular, a nice house and a husband that actually wants to work to support his family.

Leah says that if she could do it all over again she’d be in college, get married and then have kids. Well…then you’d just be a broke college student right now and not an MTV reality star, so…I guess it worked out after all.

The touching music comes on as Leah starts talking about how she wasn’t prepared for all this when she got pregnant at 16.

Later, Jeremy comes home and tells Leah that he quit the job he was on because he got a better offer. Apparently some dude named Catfish (yesss) wants Jeremy to go down to New Mexico for five weeks to work on a project. (Seems legit, right?)

Leah looks upset that he will be leaving once again. Jeremy tells Leah that he can fly her and the family down to New Mexico any time she wants, which is basically his way of telling her he’s taking the job and she can suck a piece of bacon if she doesn’t like it.

Next week, it’s Kail and Javi’s wedding day, as well as Chelsea’s graduation day. Jeremy and Leah have a screaming fight, as do Jenelle and Nathan.

To read The Ashley’s recap of the last episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!

(Photos: MTV)