Disclaimer: Since it’s been years since The Ashley has recapped this show, she wants to remind you that these recaps are written all in good fun. The Ashley doesn’t hate these girls. If you have no sense of humor, please spin it around and exit this recap ASAP. Thanks.

It’s been a loooong time since we’ve had the girls of Teen Mom on our TV sets each week! The Ashley never thought she’d see the day that Farrah, Maci, Amber and Catelynn (and their respective baby-daddies, random boyfriends and mulleted parents) were back at a regularly scheduled time on MTV, but– ding dangit– here they are! The first episode of Teen Mom, er, ‘Teen Mom OG’ (because I guess that’s what they’re calling it now; I think they think it makes the girls sound more gangsta. We already knew Gary was the original gangsta, guys. Duh.)

Anyway, a lot has happened with the girls since we last saw them. Babies have shot out of wombs, penii have entered backdoors (on film, natch), and debts to society have been paid! Let’s get down to business.

This season is different because– for the first time ever– the girls are actually acknowledging that they are on an insanely popular TV show. For years, MTV went to ridiculous lengths to try to make it look like they were just normal teen moms…with ginormous houses…and new cars…and no jobs. In fact, the show’s camera crew and producers will now have their own starring roles on the show!

The main credits start and we see that the gals have gotten some major upgrades in the intro. Gone are the 1980s Lisa Frank-esque graphics surrounding their faces. They’ve been replaced with more sleek graphics and current photos of the cast. (RIP Maci’s lightening bolt. You’ll always be in our hearts.)

The first scene starts at the home of Catelynn and Tyler. They’re celebrating the reappearance of their giant MTV paychecks with a Subway meal. (“Go ahead and get the avocado, baby. We can afford it!”) They are reading mean tweets from haters who are mad that Cate and Ty want to have a second baby. They say that they are ready to have a baby, since it’s been over five years since they placed their first daughter, Carly, for adoption.

They show some flashbacks of Cate and Ty’s parents being totally dicks about the adoption. (Butch was a jerk but, man, could that man wear a mullet like nobody’s business. Am I right?!)

These days, Catelynn and Tyler are engaged and trying to get pregnant. Cate’s even bought a fresh new pregnancy test to see if Tyler has impregnated her once again. She takes the test and, lo and behold, Catelynn is, indeed, knocked up. They celebrate as another test reveals a positive result. Tyler decides that he needs to get his degree while Cate stays home with the baby for a few years and then she can go get her degree. (Shouldn’t you be figuring this stuff out before you sperminate your girlfriend? Just sayin’…)

Catelynn says she would like to be married before she springs another child from her loins, but Tyler is against having a rushed courthouse wedding.

We move on to Amber, who just moved into her new home after a year-long stay in an Indiana women’s prison. Now that she’s sober (and most likely knows how to make a shank out of a toothbrush), she’s getting her life back together with the help of her family, namely trusty Cousin Krystal, who feels bad that she never visited Amber in the clink.

Amber tells us the “tale as old as time” that is her life story: She struggled with substance abuse and basically beat the beJesus out of Gary one too many times and got charged with assault. They even show clips from the early ‘Teen Mom’ episodes in which Amber hits Gary. (MTV is careful to include a “Previously Recorded” disclaimer on the footage, to make sure the dipsh*ts don’t think this is being filmed live and call 911.) Amber completed a “special rehab program” and was able to get her five-year prison sentence reduced to 17 months.

Amber is now a free lady, but she doesn’t have custody of her daughter Leah, who lives full-time at Gary’s house. Things have changed with Gary, too. He is now with a girl named Kristina, who’s been doing the horizontal hokey-pokey with Gary while Amber was in the pokey.

Amber calls up Gary, who answers the phone, “Wut up, Portwood?” (See– told ya he was the Original Gangsta.) Amber tells Leah she’s coming to pick her up and Leah adorably goes to wait for her at the window. Amber arrives, and Gary comes out to give Amber some instructions on to how to give Leah her new antibiotics.

“It’s science, it’s literally rocket science,” Gary tells Amber of the procedure of giving Leah the medicine.

“Take one teaspoon every day,” Amber reads from the bottle.

Good God I’ve missed these people.

Amber and Leah go to the park, and Amber helps Leah slide down a pole. (Those crappers always looked like they were going to be so much fun– until you actually slid down and ended up with skinned kneecaps and a broken eardrum from that horrible sound the pole makes when your hands go down it.)

We next check in with Maci, who is still “working toward” her college degree. (We don’t actually know if that’s an AA or a BA degree, but since it’s been nearly seven years since she had Bentley, and rarely had a job in all of that time, let’s hope its her Bachelors.)

She has a boyfriend named Taylor who is now living with her in Tennessee. Maci’s baby-daddy, Ryan, is also in a relationship with a girl named Shelby. As for Bentley, he’s become quite the jokester. “How do you get a banana on your head?” he asks Maci. “Shake it and put it in your butt!”

Um…I’m fairly certain Farrah had to tell him that joke. The joke makes no sense (a Farrah requirement), and, as we all know, she enjoys things in the butt.

Bentley is acting up because the camera crew is there. He won’t go to bed, so Maci gives him her bed, and she and Taylor go and sleep in Bentley’s Ninja Turtles bed. (Wait now...what? That kid’s acting up because he’s being treated like a king! He’s got you people all jammed into a twin bed while he’s all spread out in the big bed. Maybe Bentley’s actually the Original Gangsta.)

The next day, Bentley goes to Ryan’s for the weekend. Ryan’s going to Nashville but Bentley says he isn’t going.

“The hell ya ain’t, git in the f**king car,” he tells Bentley. (So…over the last few years, Ryan’s apparently morphed into a great big ol’ redneck, apparently. At least he didn’t yawn…yet.)

Bentley throws a fit, and Ryan’s mom tries to comfort him. Thankfully, Ryan’s the only one that doesn’t treat Bentley like a king. He lets him know that he doesn’t rule things when he’s with Ryan, and tells him to get his ankle-biting butt into the car. (Never thought we’d see the day where Ryan is being the better parent! Things certainly have changed!)

Bentley continues to cry and throw a fit because going to Nashville isn’t going to be any fun. (Come on Bentley, you can play a game while on the road: count the times your Daddy spits his “chewin’ tobaccy” out “the winda!” while you’re driving!)

Back in Michigan, Catelynn meets up with her mother April, who has changed a lot since we last saw her. April’s gotten sober, divorced Butch and even started taking care in her appearance. (All jokes aside, The Ashley is really happy to see April doing so well.)

April tells Catelynn that her boobs are huge. For some reason, Cate decides that’s a good segway into letting April know that she’s about to be a grandma. April’s thrilled and gives Cate a hug (most likely whispering in Catelynn’s ear that if it’s a boy to name it Butch out of respect).

April is a classy broad, and she really wants Catelynn and Tyler to get married before the baby comes. Catelynn says that she doesn’t know if Tyler is ready for marriage yet. Babies? Sure, why not, but marriage, no way!

Meanwhile, Tyler goes to tell his mom, Kim, about Cate’s pregnancy. Kim is looking faaaab these days. She’s gotten herself some spiffier clothes, and mercifully changed up the 1980s poodle perm she’s been sporting since she and Butch were doing the nasty and making babies together. She looks great!

Anyway, Tyler excitedly tells Kim that she’s going to be a grandma again. (Aside from Carly, Kim also has about 37 grandkids via Tyler’s sister, Amber.)

Unlike April, Kim is less-than-thrilled with the announcement. She tells Tyler that having a baby means he won’t have the freedom he has now and, more importantly, he’s not going to be able to go out and buy cars.

Kim brings up the question we are all thinking: How the hell were you not ready to even marry Catelynn six months ago, but are now ready to have a baby?

Tyler says it’s just because society puts a lot of emphasis on getting married before having babies and it’s no big deal. Kim contorts her overly-tanned face to show that she’s clearly not thrilled with her son’s decision. (Seriously, Kim, you look great, but…maybe cut down on the visits to the tanning salon. You’re starting to look like Chelsea Houska.)

Back at Amber’s place, Gary is coming to pick up Leah. He marvels at Amber’s new house.

“This is a big house for such one person,” he tells her. (Yessss.)

They talk about how well they are getting along these days, and Gary says that if he and Kristina were to break up (but have a kid first, naturally), he may get back with “one of” his ex-girlfriends. Amber makes it clear that they are never, ever getting back together (like, Taylor Swift-style), and Gary says that she should never say never.

Later, Gary and his girlfriend Kristina put together bunk beds and Gary mentions that his brother is considering proposing to his girlfriend and needs advice. Naturally, Gary’s the man for the job; he’s proposed at least twice in his life, and went to Walmart for all his proposal needs.

Kristina perks up at the mention of marriage, but Gary quickly shoots down all hope that he’ll someday make an honest woman out of her. “We don’t get married over here,” he tells her, causing her to hang her head in sadness.

In Tennessee, Ryan and Shelby take Bentley to the lake, so Maci goes to get her nails done. Naturally, she chooses a nail salon that serves wine because, well, it’s Maci. Even the Asian lady doing her nails is skeptical.

“How old are you?” she asks Maci, who replies that she’s 23. “If you under, no cheers for you.”

Um…can the pedicure lady please become a regular on this show? Seriously, we’ll totally trade Ryan or someone to get her.

Anyway, Maci bags on Ryan for being a bad dad and for not putting Bentley first. Her friends advise her to commend Ryan for taking Bentley to Nashville and doing activities. Maci wants to talk to him about it, but Ryan isn’t really interested in chatting with Maci in person. Ryan’s a busy man guys, he’s got naps to take! Maci asks Ryan’s mom for advice, and she suggests Maci email Ryan because, well, Ryan’s kind of a dick.

Meanwhile, Catelynn and Tyler are reading an article online that confirms Cate’s pregnancy. (The Ashley actually broke that story, ‘member? Unfortunately, they are not reading The Ashley’s story on the episode. That would be a dream come true.) They are not happy that the news was leaked, and are especially unhappy with the comments people are leaving them, condemning them for not getting married before having another baby. They’re bummed the news is out (and they can’t make it a big spread in a magazine.)

Catelynn talks to her friend Alexa about the leaked news and about the feud between Cate and Farrah.

“She’s a wackjob, dude!” Catelynn says of Farrah, whom she will soon meet up with at the ‘Couples Therapy’ All-Star Reunion show. They make fun of Farrah’s sex toys and then talk about how bad Cate wants to get married before having the baby.

The next scene shows Cate and Ty going to the ‘Couples Therapy’ reunion. (The Ashley was in the audience! Who saw her mug?!) They arrive and come face-to (plastic surgery modified) face with Farrah. They announce that they are expecting, and Farrah calls them out for not following their vision of going to school and having careers.

Catelynn calls Farrah out for “selling her vagina,” at which point The Ashley was in the audience pumping her firsts and hooting like Adam Lind on steroids. Unfortunately, you can’t see her, but she was there.

The heart-touching music starts playing and Cate and Ty begin to make amends with Farrah. They go backstage and talk about what happened with Farrah. (There was soooo much more drama on stage than what was shown on ‘Teen Mom’ and ‘Couples Therapy’!)

In Indiana, Amber and her clan go to a day spa for some primpin’ and pamperin’. They get pedicures (but, alas, there’s no Asian lady with wine to provide zingers at this spa.) The ladies are scrubbing the “prison” off of Amber’s feet, while Amber tells her mom that “old Gary is peeking back in.” (Oh dear God– where’s he peekin?)

Amber says that Gary’s been acting weird lately, and acting like he wants to get back with her. Tonya calls Gary evil, which pisses Amber off, because Gary took care of Leah while Amber was locked up.

Tonya starts bringing up negative stuff, and Cousin Krystal tries to defend Amber, which causes Tonya to attack Krystal. Tonya storms out, making Krystal cry. She tells the producers that Krystal only comes around when MTV is there (offering free mani/pedis), and that she was the only one that visited Amber in prison. Krystal demands that the producers take her mic off.

Where’s that Asian lady with the wine when you need her?! Tonya needs some “cheers!”

Amber is struggling after the disastrous spa day. She says that she thinks about getting high on days like that and seeing Leah helps her regroup. She calls Gary to see what Leah’s up to. (We get a glimpse of Gary’s phone, which has Amber listed as “6 inch Eyelash Portwood.” Yessssssssssssss!)

Unfortunately, Gary and Leah are going on vacation with Kristina, so Amber can’t come get Leah. Amber tells the producers that Gary mentioned the vacation just to make her jealous. She leans back (showing off those fancy six-inchers!) and says she wishes Gary would respect her feelings more. Amber says she doesn’t have many friends (outside of her ‘Teen Mom’ producers), so she spends a lot of time talking with them. Amber is sad because she feels like being in prison caused her to lose her whole family.

Next week, Cate and Ty find out the sex of their baby, Amber finds out that there’s no place in Gary’s life for her and Maci finds out that Bentley prefers her house to Ryan’s.

It feels so good to be back to recapping ‘Teen Mom’ episodes! See you next week!

(Photos: MTV)