First of all, The Ashley would like to apologize for not recapping last week’s episode of Teen Mom OG. To punish herself for slacking off, she will force herself to listen to Farrah Abraham‘s musical masterpiece of a song, “Blowin'” on repeat until the next episode of this show airs.

The Ashley was able to watch the episode, and can sum it up in one line: Everyone done got knocked up. Apparently, Gary Shirley‘s condom line hadn’t been released by the time this episode was filmed because all of these knuckleheads “forgot” to use protection and produced yet another spawn. Last episode Maci announced that she is once again “with child,” and Gary somehow managed to sperminate his girlfriend, Kristina, as well.

Here is what The Ashley has to say about that…

Anyway, this episode starts with Amber, who is still recovering from the shock of finding out that Gary has knocked up Kristina. To make matters worse, Gary is acting “super weird” and won’t stop blowing up Amber’s phone. She goes out to dinner with her family, including Cousin Krystle (you know she ain’t missing a free meal!) and her brother, Shawn, who has now had “Bubby” added to his official intro blurb. (That’s just embarrassing, guys. Seriously?)

Amber regales the gang with stories about how Gary put his hot dog into Kristina’s bun and made a lil’ smokie. Shawn is relieved that it is not his sister that’s going to be pushing another Gary spawn from her loins in nine months. Amber said that it depresses her knowing that she and Gary will never get back together now that he’s impregnated another girl. But, hey, if she can survive prison, she can survive Gary diddling some other chick.

Next we swing over to Tennessee, where Maci has just returned from a speaking engagement. Speaking of engagement…Maci and Taylor are still not getting married, something Maci mentions while they are lying in bed that night. (During this conversation, there’s a camera dude just awkwardly standing over them filming. Come on y’all, give him a little “Farrah” action to pass the time!)

“How did your speeching go?” Taylor so eloquently asks.

Maci tells him that people are starting to ask questions, so they may need to announce the pregnancy to the public. The producers agree that it will be a huge story (and are salivating over how much better ratings will be now). Maci’s worried about telling Ryan‘s parents that she’s knocked up again.

Finally, we head to Michigan, where Catelynn and Tyler are meeting up with their adoption counselor Dawn, who will be accompanying them to North Carolina to meet with BrandonandTeresa and Carly in a few days.

They will be having a serious conversation with BrandonandTeresa about the conditions of their adoption. Tyler is angry, and tells Dawn he feels like BrandonandTeresa are the king and he is their servant. Dawn is doing her best to keep a straight face after that statement and encourages him not to go all “Butch” on his daughter’s adoptive parents.

Back over at Amber’s place, Amber is hanging out with her producer (who could still stand to run a comb through her mop every once in a while). Gary, who is known as “Gary the Hairy Fairy” on Amber’s phone contact list, keeps calling Amber, but Amber doesn’t want to talk to him. He keeps flirting with Amber, and asking her if she misses his, um, [hairy] manmeat.

I’m gonna need a moment to vomit over here….anyone else?

Anyway, Amber says she didn’t mind the manmeat jokes, but now that “the Hairy Fairy” has knocked up some other broad, it’s kind of weird and uncomfortable for Amber to talk about that stuff. (It ain’t any easier for us to listen to her talk about it…just sayin’…)

The producer seems mildly disturbed and agrees that Gary needs to keep his reproductive organs away from everyone but Kristina.

Later, Gary’s mom comes over to Amber’s place to visit. Gary’s mom is looking fly these days; she’s changed her hair style and is wearing lipstick and eyeshadow (blue, naturally). Amber tells her that since getting out of “jel” she has gotten her groove back (a la Stella.)

Later, the Hairy Fairy calls Amber once again. This time, however, his loins are burning and, since Kristina’s gone, he’s hoping Amber will come over and let him mount her. Amber, however, is like “Hellllll no!” and is going to tell Gary that what he’s doing is inappropriate.

Meanwhile, Tyler, Catelynn and Dawn are flying to North Carolina to meet up with Carly & the Gang. (They are kind of like “Kool & the Gang” except they don’t sing that God-awful song “Celebration.” Instead, they yell at you for caring too much about social media.)

Anyway, they arrive at their hotel room and see that MTV has gone all out in choosing their accommodations. Their room is big and nice and even has a kitchenette. (Hey, I guess when you grow up with April and Butch as parents, nearly any hotel room that doesn’t have roaches is considered luxury living. One time, while on “vacation” (aka taking the kids to see Butch in jail), April sprung for the “deluxe” room, meaning, well, it came with a can of Raid. (I’m kidding; this didn’t actually happen…I hope.)

Cate and Ty joke that they can live there and Cate starts eying the bed, thinking that maybe she can just crap out the kid right there in the lap of Best Western luxury.

The next day is Cate and Ty’s meeting with BrandonandTeresa. They arrive and BrandonandTeresa are looking even more whitebread than ever. They seriously look like they came straight out of the pages of a Crate & Barrel catalog.

They start talking about the adoption, and it quickly turns into a conversation about social media. Teresa says that she doesn’t want anyone but them posting photos of their children. Tyler is quick to point out that they put their kids on the cover of an adoption magazine, all while Catelynn is shooting him death stares.

Teresa quickly reminds them that the kid is theirs now. Dawn, meanwhile, keeps bouncing back and forth, looking from BrandonandTeresa to Cate and Tyler.

Tyler tells them that he posted a video of Carly to basically spite them for making rules about their kid. Teresa is doing her best to maintain her WASPy demeanor, and is keeping a big fake smile plastered on her face. Catelynn, meanwhile, is just crying, knowing that what Tyler is saying could hurt their relationship with Carly forever. Brandon reassures them that it will take a lot for them to get cut off, and Teresa adds that them being on ‘Teen Mom’ makes their lives hard.

Later, they get to see Carly for the first time in over a year. They’ve agreed to let Carly be around the cameras, but are not letting them show her face. (For the record, The Ashley thinks that BrandonandTeresa made the right decision to expose Carly to reality TV as little as possible.) BrandonandTeresa give Cate and Ty a few things that belonged to Carly when she was a baby, to give to their new baby girl. Things seem to end well, with everyone airing out their frustrations.

Over in Tennessee, it’s Halloween and Maci is planning to tell Ryan that she’s pregnant. She and Taylor take Bentley out trick-or-treating, and are accompanied by a camera guy dressed in a garbage bag and shark hat. (I actually own that shark hat, no joke.) This guy is either my new best friend or someone that will haunt my nightmares. I’m not sure yet. Either way the look he gives the camera when it pans to him is the best thing I’ve seen on this show since Debra went all psycho on Farrah with a kitchen knife during Season 1.

Bentley, dressed as a Ninja Turtle, is hustling to get candy for his pregnant mom and her boo. Later, Ryan and his dad show up and Maci lets them know that she’s pregnant. Their faces are priceless. Ryan’s dad, Larry, finally congratulates her, but Ryan just stands there with his eyes all bugged out. The random dude in the background is the best, however. He is just staring at Maci and trying his best not to roll his eyes. (He fails, of course.)

Finally, Ryan speaks up and tells Taylor, “Good job, brother. Good luck!”

Hahaha, I love/hate Ryan. When he’s not napping or spittin’ tobaccy, he can be counted on for good zingers.

Ryan, Larry and Bentley take Bentley home and deliver the news to Jen, Ryan’s mom, that Maci’s knocked up. Jen is shocked but you can tell she’s trying to put on a good face for the cameras. The producer asks Ryan to talk about his relationship with Shelby, which is in the dumps. They’ve broken up and Ryan’s moving back in with his parents soon. Also…does Ryan have gray hair in this scene? Seriously, is he trying to be the hillbilly George Clooney?

Here’s a rule of thumb: If you have gray hair, you shouldn’t be living with your parents. The.End.

Anyway, Ryan starts to get uncomfortable talking about his relationship, so he throws a hissy fit and takes off his mic. His dad, Larry (who is quickly becoming one of my favs on this show) is just cracking up over what a douche his son is. He reminds Ryan that he has no problem being on the show when he’s cashing those MTV checks.

In.The.Face.

Ryan legit spits into an empty Coke can he apparently carries around with him and storms out. We could seriously end the series right here and I’d be content: A man in a shark hat, Ryan spittin’ and blue shadow…can this episode really even get any better?!

Oh yes it can. Later, Maci comes to pick up Bentley at Jen and Larry’s house and Jen congratulates her on the new baby. Larry asks why Maci and Taylor aren’t planning to get married before having a baby.

“Because I want to be drunk after my wedding,” Maci replies.

Maci tells Jen and Larry that she was worried they’d be disappointed in her because she was once again knocked up before getting married. Jen’s face is priceless– she basically just needs to say “Well, yeah, we are…” because that’s what is written all over her face.

In Indiana, Gary and his bride baby-momma-to-be are chatting about how sick Kristina has been due to her pregnancy. Amber calls Gary and asks him to come over, which makes Kristina uncomfortable. She tells Gary that he’s leading Amber on, and that she feels like she’s not good enough for Gary.

Wait….she’s not good enough for Gary?! We are now officially in the Twilight Zone, folks.

Gary heads over to Casa de Eyelashes to chat. Amber tells him that his behavior is inappropriate, and that Gary isn’t allowed to cry on the phone, or talk about his penis to her anymore. She tells him she needs closure and that he has to commit to being with Kristina. Things start to get heated, and Amber reminds Gary that he said he didn’t even want his second kid.

“I said it was an accident!” Gary protests, to which Amber tells him she won’t fight with him on camera because it will make her look like the crazy, old-school yelling Amber.

“I’M DONE!” Amber yells. “Get out!”

Ahh, it’s just like old times, Gary/Amber screaming, “I’m done” and someone getting kicked out. I’m feeling all warm and nostalgic right now.

Amber kicks Gary out of the house. (She does not, however, throw a TV at him for good measure.)

All of a sudden, the camera crew is outside a mystery house, preparing to walk in. They ring the bell and…it’s Farrah!! They are trying to tell Farrah that they need to explain to the fans why she (and her infamous backdoor) are back on this crappy show, but Farrah’s being all salty about it. “Apparently, I’m not so crazy and it’s OK for me to be back on TV,” she tells the uncombed hair producer.

Um, no, girl, you’re still crazy. But if there’s anything a ‘Teen Mom’ fan loves most, it’s a train wreck, and Farrah honey, you’re an Amtrak head-on collision!

The gang is all here– Sophia, Debra and [Whatever] Michael have all arrived to film, but Farrah’s being a total wench. Even Sophia asks her what the hell crawled up into her backdoor to make her so angry. Farrah, as per usual, treats everyone around her like crap. The producer asks Farrah if she wants the crew to leave and Farrah tells them to go “take a break.”

Please, Lord, let the shark-hatted camera guy just knock this bi-otch up side the head with his trash-bag-covered camera. You know that’s what everyone really wants to see!

Meanwhile, Debra tells Sophia that the gingerbread house that she’s making is going to give her cancer.

Farrah’s being rude, Amber’s kicking Gary out of the house and Deb’s dishing out one-liners. My life is complete again.

The executive producer, Larry, comes in to deal with Farrah’s ‘tude, and tries to reason with her. She says that they should just be real about why they initially didn’t want her back on the show. Larry says that they brought Farrah back because they felt that “something was missing,” which just makes Farrah even angrier. She bursts into an ugly cry and leaves the room. Even Sophia is confused as to why her mom’s acting like a six-year-old.

The episode ends just as it would have in Season 1: Amber staring out the window, Cate and Ty looking sad while sitting on a bench, Farrah ugly-crying, Ryan mooching food out of his parents’ fridge and Maci holding Bentley.

I love this freaking show.

To read The Ashley’s previous recap of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ click here!

(Photos: MTV)