By Meghan Flannery

(Note from The Ashley: Please welcome our new ’90 Day Fiance’ recapper, Meghan! She will be covering this TLC trainwreck show for The Roundup this season!)

The third season of TLC’s 90 Day Fiance will already in full swing! We have already met the couples (click here for a refresher on the Season 3 cast) who are in the midst of their 90 day adventures. We first catch up with Fernando and Carolina. 

Fernando describes himself as being good with the ladies, but his ex-wife (whom he admits to cheating on) might disagree. After blowing it with the women in America, Fernando started pursuing women abroad. While on a date with another woman at a Colombian nightclub, he spotted Carolina, who is much younger than he is. He hopes this age difference will work in his favor, and that he can win her over with his beer belly and tired American pick-up lines.

Fernando appears to own a home, which he shares with his parents. Anicia, his mother, worries about being forced to move out and pay rent sharing the house and kitchen with another woman.

As he’s packing to fly to Carolina’s home country, Fernando’s mom figures it’s the perfect time to try to talk him out of the whole “marrying a foreigner” thing. She warns him that a lot of poor women happily move to America in similar situations, but eventually bail out on their husbands and get sick of life here. Fernando thinks he and Carolina have a good chance of staying together, being that Carolina will be stuck in a foreign country with no easy escape route.

Next we move on to Loren and Alexei. (Loren is an American, while Alexei is from Israel.) As of now, Alexei’s K1 Visa is still under review. Predictably, Loren is freaking out over the possibility of never seeing him again. Even though most people assume Alexei is only marrying Loren for a chance to come to the United States, Loren sets the record straight by letting us know that Alexei doesn’t even want to live in America. Suuuuuure.

That night, Loren’s deep into an ugly cry sesh, waiting for a Skype call from Alexei. He finally calls and tells her he was approved for his visa. Loren continues to cry, then kisses the computer. 

“I am getting married in four months!” she says while sobbing hysterically.

Since Alexei can’t work in the States yet, Loren will need to support them both. She decides that a great way to do this will beto quit her job, leave her apartment in New York, and move in with her parents in Florida. (Why not put the financial burden of supporting both her and her random fiancé on her folks?)

Loren and her parents pile into a car and head to the Miami airport to pick up Alexei. During the car ride, Loren says she wants Alexei to see only her and no one else when he arrives. (So…basically she was just using her parents for a lift to the airport.) Alexei arrives, and after Loren introduces him to her parents, she proceeds to grope him and then announce that Alexei needs a shower. 

The next geographically challenged lovers we check in with are Devar and Melanie. When we met them last week, Melanie expressed concerns over Devar being an appropriate stepdad for her son Hunter. (Um…you think?!)

Devar has big muscles and was a lifeguard in Jamaica. Since arriving in Pennsylvania, he’s taken to wearing wifebeater tanks and doing pushups in front of the TLC camera crew. Hunter has been copying whatever Devar does and is now wearing his own mini version of a wifebeater tank.

Hunter (adorably) appoints himself best man for Devar and Melanie’s wedding.  Melanie is thrilled that she has been able to force Devar’s bonding with her son so successfully. The rest of Melanie’s family, however, is not so thrilled about Melanie’s Jamaican Prince Charming.

The next day they go to meet Melanie’s sister, Bev, for the typical production-coerced “disapproving family member” talk. Bev knows this is probably her only chance at reality TV fame, so she takes her role of the concerned and skeptical family member quite seriously. She doesn’t trust Devar and thinks he’s using her sister for a green card. (She must have seen Mohammad on Season 2 of this show!)

Devar may not be from this country, but he still knows when to bust out one of our tired clichés. He tells Bev, “You can’t judge a book by its cover.”

Bev wants to know if Devar is sleeping with a bunch of other women. She also wants to know how many vacationing American ladies he seduced before Melanie. She actually pulls out the line from health class,saying that Melanie is now sleeping with all of the woman Devar has slept with, and it’s putting Melanie at risk for STDs.

Devar says that Melanie is “one in a million.” (Um…is that his way of telling Melanie he’s boned a million vulnerable vacationing women?)

During this awkward conversation, Melanie looks bored and remains quiet. When she finally speaks, she unconvincingly declares her love for Devar… and his wifebeater tank.

Next we check in with Noon and Kyle. Noon has just arrived from Thailand, which means it’s time to start counting down the 90 days until either the wedding or her one-way trip back home. It appears the outcome will depend on her ability to read red flags and whether or not she scares easily.   

Noon is psyched to come to America—probably because Kyle never discussed with her the reality of his housing, career or lifestyle.  If Noon’s bar of expectations was low for these things prior to stepping foot in Kyle’s apartment, she should still be sorely disappointed.

She barely has a chance to put down her bag (that she carries herself as Kyle walks in empty-handed) and she’s already getting a hug from a strange, possibly stoned man she’s never met before. She quickly finds out that this creepy man is her new roommate, Brian. Kyle lets Noon know that Brian doesn’t normally bother to wear clothes!

Since Kyle’s top priority is to make Noon more comfortable, he tells Brian to keep his junk in his pants.

Kyle tells Noon that he tried to clean the house for her arrival. Maybe she won’t notice the roaches in the kitchen or the putrid-looking laundry falling off the shelves in the bedroom?

Kyle painted a Buddha on the wall, and hung a bunch of stereotypical Asian tapestries up. He thinks this should make Noon feel right at home.

Unfortunately for Kyle, Noon is more interested in living in a clean house than a place decorated like a lame Chinese restaurant. She says the house needs to be cleaned and that she doesn’t want to live there.

The next night, the couple goes to New Orleans’ famous Bourbon Street. Although Noon doesn’t like to drink very much, Kyle buys her a foot-long frozen drink in a souvenir glass that she can carry around on the street. He shows her around, pointing out the puddles of urine on the ground and mentioning that his office (a bar, where he bartends) is close by.

Hopefully Noon is familiar with the American idea of “red flags” as there appear to be quite a few here!

We finally catch up with Nikki and Mark, who are perhaps the most controversial couple of the season. Mark has four kids, but only one of them, Elise, was willing to film and publically admit that she’s related to him. Elise doesn’t want to meet Mark’s future Filipino teen bride, Nikki yet, but Mark doesn’t really give her a choice in that.

Elise is Mark’s youngest daughter, and, at 20 years old, she is 2 years older than her future step-mom.

Mark leaves them alone after awkwardly pushing them into one another. Before walking away he insists that they find something to talk about so they can start to bond.

It’s super uncomfortable and you can tell both girls are desperately racking their brains for a reason to excuse themselves from the table and jump in the lake next to them. It’s one of those moments that is even awkward to watch as a viewer. They don’t say much, but their non-verbal communication involves a lot of exaggerated nodding, fake smiles and hair flips.

Mark wants his daughter and his teen fiance to figure out what they have in common. Well, they were both born in the 1990s and, as Elise points out she’s “somewhat Filipino.” (In case you missed the first episode, Mark’s first wife, Elise’s mom, was about Nikki’s age when the two of them were married. According to Mark, shortly after having their four kids, Wife No.1 left him and their children, never to be heard from again.  To make matters weirder, Nikki and his ex-wife are even from the very same small town in the Philippines).

Anyway, Nikki thinks Elise doesn’t like her but hopes she’s wrong.  (She’s not.) 

On next week’s episode, Mark yells Nikki like she’s his child; Noon and Kyle go skydiving; Fernando lies to Carolina about not being a liar; and we check in with Aleksandra and Josh from the first two episodes.

(Photos: TLC)