Post Tagged with: "Recaps"

‘Bachelor’ Chris Episode 9 Recap: Bedding Broads in Bali

Awww, it's just like 'The Notebook'...if Ryan Gosling had boned three girls in three days...

Awww, it’s just like ‘The Notebook’…if Ryan Gosling had boned three girls in three days…

Well, kids, we’re finally going overseas for the final legs of The Bachelor. Our hunk, Chris, dusts off his passport and heads to Bali, where he will pound it out in the Fantasy Suite with his final three broads: Whitney, Becca and Kaitlyn. Whichever girl Chris ends up picking better enjoy her time in Indonesia, because as soon as she gets back to the farm in Iowa, it’ll be dates at the feed store from here on out.

The first girl he meets up with is Kaitlyn. He takes her to a temple, and tells her that it’s against temple rules for her to kiss him, or dress like a skank-ho. She’s going to have to keep it in her pants until they get into the Fantasy Suite.

How the local people really feel about these knuckleheads "soaking up local culture."

And…this is why other cultures hate us….

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‘Bachelor’ Chris Episode 7 Recap: Everyone Hates Arlington

This is how Britt usually gets her men, I'd assume...

This is how Britt usually gets her men, I’d assume…

It’s the first day of a two-day, two-hour Bachelor extravaganza. Get ready for everyone to start professing their love for Chris…until he takes them to his tiny hometown of HeeHawville USA. (We all can’t wait to see Britt’s face when she finds out that she would have to buy her dresses off the rack if she were to move to Iowa to be with Chris. OFF.THE.RACK.)

Anyway, the “incredible, two-day television event” kicks off at the ‘Bachelor’ mansion, with Chris Harrison rehashing all the crap that we’ve always suffered through over the last few weeks. They’re going to wheel out Kelsey and old Bachelorette Andi to “tell their sides” of their story. (Translation: Fill all the extra time so they can sell two days of this crap to their advertisers.)

This is the face Kelsey makes right before she kills you...

This is the face Kelsey makes right before she kills you…

We watch clips of Kelsey bragging about herself, and Kelsey saying that she doesn’t think she’s smarter than the other girls. She then proceeds to pack in every single three-syllable word she can think of. (Like, legit, she sounded like she was holding one of those Ziggy “Word of the Day” calendars in her lap.)

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‘Sister Wives’ Episode 8 Recap: Meri (Finally) Reveals Plans to Divorce Kody

Who wouldn't want a piece of this stud?

Who wouldn’t want a piece of this stud?

By Holly Rasmussen

Last night, the episode we’ve all been waiting for of Sister Wives aired. As The Ashley told you recently, the show’s star, Kody Brown, and his wife of over 20+ years, Meri, divorced in September of 2014. In December, Kody married his youngest and most recent wife, Robyn. When the news broke, the Browns released a statement stating they were “legally restructuring the family.” Last night’s episode addressed Meri meeting with a lawyer to discuss the divorce.

Before we can get to the divorce fun, though, the Browns had to deal with a behavioral issue with two of their 17 children. Two of Kody and Janelle’s sons (Gabriel and Garrison) got in a slap fight and one lied about it. (I don’t know which one lied. There are so many. They’re all running together.) The Browns are acting like it’s a huge deal and this is the first time anything like this has happened. We aren’t buying it, of course. With this many children in a family, someone is surely getting bitch-slapped on the regular. Also, no one cares. This is boring. Let’s hear about the divorce!

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‘Bachelor’ Chris Episode 6 Recap: Going Psycho in South Dakota

bachelor south dakota

Feel free to marvel at The Ashley’s amazing Microsoft Paint skills.

Welcome back to The Bachelor, where the hair extensions are bad and the girls’ attitudes are worse! This week’s episode picks up right where last week’s left off: with Kelsey lying flat on her back and whimpering. (It’s funny; I kind of expect Britt to be the one doing that on the regular for the cameras, but, go figure.) Anyway, Kelsey goes from being in a full-on panic attack to laughing about getting a rose in a matter of seconds.

She goes back to the room with all of the other girls in it, and is not getting much sympathy. They all think she’s faking it for attention from Chris. As Kelsey recounts her dramatic “brush with death,” all of the other girls are just glaring at her. (To be fair, they are all probably trying to come up with some ailment that they can fake to get attention this week.)

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‘Bachelor’ Chris Episode 5: Rafting & Raunchiness in the Southwest

bachelor

This was basically my face throughout this entire episode.

Welcome to another episode of The Bachelor! This week, Chris and his harem of hoes are leaving LA and beginning to travel in their “quest for love.” These are the dates all of the gals have been waiting for.

Chris Harrison arrives and tells the girls that they need to pack their bags because they’re heading to the exotic, foreign land of…New Mexico. Half of the girls are clearly  unhappy that they aren’t to another country, while the other half is thrilled because they think New Mexico is another country.

In the first minute, Megan basically wins the night by telling us how excited she is to visit the “beach-like” town of Santa Fe. She’s got her “big sombrero” all packed for her trip and tells us that she’s pumped because she’s “never been out of the country.”

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‘Bachelor’ Chris Episode 4 Recap: Virgin Camping & Tramping

ashley i cornIt’s only the fourth week into Chris Soules’ farmer-ized season of The Bachelor, and already The Ashley wants to gouge her eyes out with a corn cob. Between the horrible farm puns, bad dates and God-awful group of “ladies” (and that word is used almost comically to describe these ho-bags), this season is awfully hard to watch.

Anyway, we head into the Bachelor Mansion, where the girls have received a date card that says a group of them will be going on a “natural” date. Everyone basically poops themselves thinking about seeing Chris without having a full face of makeup on.

They run upstairs to “naturalize” their looks. (So…basically they used the “medium” shade of their self tanner, instead of the “dark.”)

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