Post Tagged with: "Recaps"

‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Episode 8 Recap: First Date Fornication & Fishing for Love

"I think I caught a fish! Oh, no...wait, that's just a hair extension..."

“I think I caught a fish! Oh, no…wait, that’s just a hair extension…”

Get ready for this week’s second helping of Bachelor in Paradise!

The Ashley is praying to the Paradise Baby Jesus that these knuckleheads are done harping on the Joe/Samantha/Juelia storyline. Please let someone get stung by a jellyfish in the crotch tonight! That’s all I’m asking for! I deserve it after watching this crap twice a week!

The episode starts off with recap of last night’s breakups: Joe was dumped by Samantha, and Ashley I. was kicked to the curb by Jared.

Joe's face while listening to Ashley whine...

Joe’s face while listening to Ashley whine…

Ashley and Joe decide that misery loves company, so they grab a few bottles of tequila, a bunch of Kleenex and go sit together to talk about how the people they are obsessed with no longer like them. Ashley starts blubbering like she found out that the Kardashians’ show got cancelled. This ridiculously absurd display of emotion creeps Joe out, and he basically tells her that he’s not much for the tears and whatnot.

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‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Episode 7 Recap: Birthday Breakup & the Bawling Widow

It's a real paaaarty in Paradise, as you can see...

It’s a real paaaarty in Paradise, as you can see…

Yes, The Ashley skipped recapping last week’s episodes but, hey, give her a break. She honestly believes that ABC is trying to kill her by airing back-to-back nights of this crap each week. Have mercy!

Anyway, we pick things up exactly where we left off last week: with everyone still talking about how Joe “screwed over” Juelia by using her to meet Samantha. The man went on one date with this chick and then dumped her, but for some reason everyone in this Hut ‘O’ Craziness is acting like Joe literally murdered Juelia and her entire family with a jagged seashell and then sold their corpses for profit.

ONE DATE PEOPLE! ONE DATE!

Since there isn’t much else going on in ‘Paradise,’ they have to keep harping on this crap.

JJ really wants to get in a fight with Joe. Of course, he doesn’t really care about Juelia either, but he wants to look all tough on TV. (After all, he’s still trying to live down his hot tub romp with Clint and self-slapping from The Bachelorette.)

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‘Kendra On Top’ Season 4 Episode 1 Recap: Loose Woman in London

Anyone else tired of this stupid Hank/transsexual storyline?

Anyone else tired of this stupid Hank/transsexual storyline?

By Holly Rasmussen

Kendra on Top is back! As you may remember, last season it was revealed that Kendra’s husband, Hank Basket Jr., allegedly cheated on Kendra with a transsexual model. The entire third season of this show was essentially just Kendra and Hank dragging out the affair, but Hank somehow managed to avoid actually revealing what happened. (They were saving the good stuff for their stint on  Marriage Boot Camp!)

In case you missed it, Hank (FINALLY) gave us a half-ass description of what went down with him and the model. He claims that he met Ava and her friend in a supermarket parking lot and went back to their house to purchase and smoke marijuana. However while at the house, Ava stripped naked and started touching Hank. Hank said he “froze” and didn’t know what to do. Hank then said that Ava threatened and blackmailed him. I mean, who hasn’t had that happen to them at least once in their life, right?

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‘Teen Mom 2′ Season 6 Episode 6 Recap: Broken Marriages & the Bogus Business Trip

"I'm a businessman!"

“I’m a businessman!”

Gather ’round, my bottom-of-the-barrel-TV-lovin’ pals! It’s time to dive back into the sea of chaos and crappy editing that is Teen Mom 2. It’s been a week since we’ve checked in with the show’s cast, so surely someone new is heading to court, and Leah has most likely married and divorced yet another dude.

This week’s episode starts out South Carolina, where Jenelle is completely exhausted. Is she tired from putting in a full day’s work over at the Waaaaahlmaaaart and raising her son Jace, like her mom Barb? Nope. She’s actually exhausted from an all-night fighting sesh she’s having with her “fiance” Nathan, who is two bottles of whiskey deep. (Essentially his stomach must just look like a sea of Jack Daniel and steroids….or ‘tie-stostereon,’ as our Babsy calls it.)

Apparently, Nathan thinks that Jenelle is letting other guys diddle her, and he’s not happy about it. After all, they are engaged, and we all know that Jenelle takes the concept of marriage very seriously and would only accept a proposal from a man who she could see a lifetime of commitment with.

Oh…wait….

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‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Episode 4 Recap: Everyone Loves “Elevenly”

ABC is seriously trying to kill The Ashley this summer. Doing two recaps a week of this snotrocket of a show is going to permanently cripple The Ashley’s brain. Soon she’ll be jobless, dumb and unable to work. Well, that basically just described everyone on Bachelor in Paradise. Call me, Chris Harrison!

Anyway, in case you missed Sunday night’s episode, you can watch this lil clip to get caught up to speed on the hijinks.

So…basically, the parents of Ashley I. and Mikey will probably go into hiding after watching the last episode.

Monday’s episode kicked off where we left off last night—with Ashley I. crying, Mikey roid-ragin’ and Jonathan still trying to make those horrific bright yellow sunglasses “happen.” Mikey is trying to pretend that he doesn’t want to put his lobster in Clare’s clam, but we all know that he’s just butt-hurt that none of the girls (especially Clare) like him and his man-bun.

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‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Episode 3 Recap: Skanky Cinderella & Stupid Drug Stories

"Why are you people still watching this horrible show?!"

“Why are you people still watching this horrible show?!”

It’s that time again, folks: Pop some Valtrex (because just watching this show can make it burn when you pee) and let’s get to some Bachelor in Paradise!

They kick things off with the cheesy intro featuring the entire cast being introduced while the song “Almost Paradise” plays in the background. Whoever performed this God-awful song is probably hootin’ and hollerin’ with glee that someone wanted to use it again. I’m fairly certain the last time we heard it, Fabio was draped over some rocks, hawking I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter or something.

"Oh haaaaaaay, guys!"

“Oh haaaaaaay, guys!”

Am I the only one that likes this intro? Honestly, when Jonathan pops out of his giant vase, I get a major case of the giggles every time.

We meet up with the Gonorrhea Gang at the end of the first rose ceremony. All of the girls are grateful to the guys who gave them roses, especially Tenley.

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