Post Tagged with: "Recaps"

‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Episode 5 Recap: Medical Emergencies & Menage a Trois

bachelor in paradise

The hospitals double as hotel rooms in Mexico, apparently.

The producers of Bachelor in Paradise are just straight evil people. They are determined to make us feel even worse about our already pathetic lives. In case you don’t feel terrible enough about yourself for devoting two hours a week to watching what is possibly the most horrifically ridiculous show in years, they went ahead and added a second episode this week! Of course, watching four hours of crap is pathetic but, come on, what do we really have planned for our Tuesday night anyway? Watching something with redeeming value like Game of Thrones or something? Come on! (Is that show even on anymore? The Ashley honestly has no clue. If people aren’t crying in limos, she’s  just not that interested.)

To catch up on what you missed on Monday night’s episode, click here!

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‘Teen Mom 2′ Season 5B Episode 6 Recap: Cornfield Softball & The Return of Smirnoff Suzi

"I'm back, bio-tches!"

“I’m back, bio-tches!”

The Ashley didn’t have a chance to recap last week’s crapisode of Teen Mom 2. In fact, she didn’t even have time to watch it (because she’s over here livin’ la vida loca and all…and by that I mean watching episodes of The Golden Girls and eating her weight in Goldfish crackers on the regular). The good news is that she’s back to give you a play-by-play of this week’s drama, so let’s get started!

"Hello, Insurance? It's Leah. Why's y'all not givin' my youngin' her wheelchair?"

“Hello, Insurance? It’s Leah. Why’s y’all not givin’ my youngin’ her wheelchair?”

First, let’s do a mini-cap of what we missed last week. Basically Leah decided to take on The Insurance and prove that Ali was old enough to use a wheelchair. To do this, she filmed a video of Ali navigating the chair and sent it to them, along with a note that surely reads, “Ali Can Do Chair.”

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‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Episode 4: Solo Dates & Screaming on the Beach

"Table for one, please."

“Table for one, please.”

Welcome back to Paradise, guys! It’s time for these goons to further embarrass their parents/children/future spouses, so let’s get started!

We kick things off with Michelle Money, who is still bawling that Chris Bukowski gave her his throwaway rose when he left with Elise. She’s talking about the “amazing, beautiful gift” that Chris gave her that allowed her to stay on Gonorrhea Island. Seriously, he gave you a few more days to give handies in a hut, he didn’t buy your homeless mother a house or something. Let’s take it down a notch, shall we?

bachelor in paradise

“I’m just so thankful for this magical gift!”

After she’s finally done Ugly Crying, the gang heads into the house, where they see that a date card has arrived for Robert. Michelle is still totally clueless and thinks that she still has a shot at getting into Robert’s pants, but is sad when Robert chooses Sarah for the date.

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‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Episode 3: Swapping Partners (and STDs) in Paradise

bachelor in paradise

Raise your hand if you’re a hot damn mess.

Welcome to another week of Bachelor In Paradise, where morals are low and the risk of contracting a communicable disease is high! Last week there was a whole heap of drama and crazy, and this week promises to be even better. (And by better I mean completely and embarrassingly worse for all involved.)

Anyway, the episode kicks off with Sarah, who is explaining why she chose to give her rose to Robert last week, instead of Dylan. She says she didn’t want any part of the creepy thing he had going on with Elise, so instead she chose to give her rose to Robert. So, basically, she would have probably given her rose to Saddam Hussein if it meant not getting involved in that hot mess. So Robert got the flower, but now she is starting to develop feelings for him.

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‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Episode 2 Recap: Broken Legs & Broken Hearts

"Biotches be crazzzy!"

“Biotches be crazzzy!”

Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise. Get ready for some tear-inducing, bone-breaking fun because the Paradisers are getting skankier and stupider than ever before!

The episode kicks off with a “Very Special Message” from Chris Harrison. On this show, these special, behind-the-scenes looks can only mean one of two things: Someone got hurt or someone boinked a crew member. In this case, it was actually both!

lauren

“”He knows our insurance plan doesn’t cover acts of stupidity, right?”

Chris explained that Michelle K. left last week for a very different reason than we all think. (She claimed that she didn’t want to stay because she didn’t like any of the guys.) Chris revealed that right before filming began, Michelle struck up a “friendship” (and by friendship I mean she let him put his plug into her socket on the regular) with one of the show’s crew members.

After hollering across their balconies for awhile, Michelle finally let him in her room (and by ‘room’ I mean vagina). Things were going well until the show started and Michelle realized that she wanted to ditch out on ‘Paradise’ and get cozy with her crew guy (on ABC’s dime, naturally). That’s why she chose to leave. After bailing at the rose ceremony, she retreated back to her room where she proceeded to get down with her crew guy.

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‘Teen Mom 2′ Season 5B Episode 3 Recap: Pill-Poppin’ & Preppin’ For the Pokey

"Y'all got pills?"

“Y’all got pills?”

Gather ’round kiddies! It’s time for another episode of Teen Mom 2, the place where someone always has a baby in their tummy, someone is always moving and someone is fighting with their boyfriend/baby daddy/booty call! This episode promises a whole heap of hot mess, so let’s get started!

(And, by the way, The Ashley apologizes for not recapping last week’s episode. She’s been dealing with a personal problem. The problem is that she’s lazy. But she apologizes for not breaking down what happened with Barb and the gang!)

Anyway, this episode starts off everyone’s favorite “bitch of a daughta,” Jenelle. They’re are having a bit of “summah weatha” over in North Carolina, which means that Barb has hauled out the plastic pool for Jace and whatever other random grandchild happens to be left at her house at the moment. Barb’s all suited up for summer, wearing a sassy pink mini skirt and sandals. Get it, girl!

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