Post Tagged with: "You’re Cut Off"

2011 ‘Bachelor Pad’ Cast Partially Revealed! The Ashley Got It Right!

“I’m baaack!”

Everyone’s favorite cesspool of sleaziness will be back for a second season! That’s right, kids, grab your herpes medication and stripper heels—it’s time for Bachelor Pad! If you’re anything like The Ashley you loved this crappy show. I can’t wait until it premieres on August 8!

What’s not to like? The producers of the cheesiest shows on Earth, The Bachelor/Bachelorette, got together and picked some of the most controversial, most annoying and easy-to-make-fun-of cast members from past seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette, threw them all in a hot tub and sat back and let the dramatic meltdowns (and syphilis outbreaks) begin! 

Anyway, part of the cast of this summer’s Bachelor Pad has been revealed, and The Ashley is proud to say that she pretty much nailed it with her cast predictions. (You can read that story here.) So who’s going to be spreading their STDs in the Bachelor Pad pool this year? Here’s who’s been confirmed so far: 

Rozlyn Papa: Also known as the chick from Jake’s season that diddled a producer and got kicked off the show.

Justin “Rated R” Rego: Lied to America’s Sweetheart, Ali, about having a girlfriend and had one of the most pathetic exits in “Bachelorette” history.

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This Week in Reality TV Star Arrests….

Jen's mug shot, courtesy of TMZ. I know you were drunk honey, but what's stopping you from doing those roots?! Damn, get yourself some Clariol hair dye, stat!

It seems like all of your favorite reality TV stars have been getting their drink (and drug) on lately…

First, we start with Jen Jowett, “star” (and I use that term loosely in her case) of the second season of You’re Cut Off. (To see her antics on the show, which includes weave-pulling, click here.)

Apparently, Jen did a little bit too much celebrating on January 11 (the same day the show’s second season premiered.) According to TMZ, she was pulled over in West Hollywood that night for talking on her cell phone. When she rolled down the window, she apparently had boxed wine stank breath and was given a field sobriety test. When she failed to successfully walk the line, she was arrested and booked into jail. (Just to be fair, is that dipshit even smart enough to walk in a straight line sober?)

According to TMZ’s sources, Jen’s been “spiraling out of control ever since she signed up for the show.”

Um, you think?

"Hey guys! 'Member me from my gay porn movie?!"

Joining Jen in a cell is our favorite Survivor winner (and homo-erotic film star) “Fabio” Judson Birza, who was arrested in Santa Monica for (wait for it….wait for it…) SKATEBOARDING under the influence. No, seriously.

According to this article  on Pop Eater , Fabio “was stopped for skateboarding in the street, which is illegal in Santa Monica. Officers tell TMZ that Birza was acting strangely, evidently under the influence.”

Perhaps he was coming home from a meet-up with Jen and her boxed wine?
But that’s not all they have on Fabio!

Apparently, he was also charged with an unrelated DUI warrant and a probation violation and was being held Wednesday evening on $37,000 bail! He was later released and was picked up in a beer-filled stretch limo, according to TMZ.  (No word if he got his skateboard back.)

The Ashley is in LOVE with both of their goofy ass mug shots. Jen looks like she just did ten rounds with Mike Tyson, but whatever Fabio is on, I want some!

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Top 5 Best Phrases to Come Out of “You’re Cut Off” So Far….

There’s no doubt that the girls of You’re Cut Off say some pretty HIGH-larious things, but The Ashley has chosen her top five favorites from the last two episodes. Enjoy!

I guess she was right...

First, a science lesson, courtesy of Marcy:

“Everyone knows the law of gravity. If two bitches are tugging at the same thing, one bitch is gonna fall.”

I'd hate to see what destruction she could do with a golf club...

Next, a lesson in sports, courtesy of Aimee:

“The only thing I know about golf is that Tiger Woods cheated on his wife.”

(Actually, that one’s pretty funny!)

Now, we have a fashion lesson, coming from Marissa:

(After being told that she would have to wear bowling shoes if she wants to go bowling.)

“How am I going to look bowling? Do I really have to wear those goofy shoes?”

This quote coming from a girl who showed up wearing this….

You're right, Marissa, bowling shoes would totally make this outfit look ridiculous.

Our fourth quote also comes from Marissa:

“This is my image! People usually stare at me in admiration, not horror!”

Um…really. You sure about that? (See photo at left.)

I wonder where she gets her good looks from, anyway?

These are Marissa's parents. Holy shit, her mom is gonna give me nightmares.

 

And finally, our fifth quote is a grammar lesson from Nadia, who is relieved that Shakyra has decided to leave the house.

“I’m happy she’s gone. There’s less ignorance to deal with, less um…stupidity-ness.”

She really said that. Honestly.

And just for shits and giggles, here’s some examples of Jen showing off her natural beauty.

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“You’re Cut Off” is Back! And Even Better Than Last Year!!

A padded cell for these crazies is actually a pretty good idea. Good job, VH-1.

Last year, The Ashley discovered a show that trumps Teen Mom, Road Rules/Real World Challenge, and even The Bachelor in terms of bitchy women, staged drama and mind-numbingly bad story lines. You’re Cut Off is pretty much all of these shows rolled into one brain cell-killing ball. And The Ashley freaking loves it!

For those of you who have not had the privilege of watching this VH-1 masterpiece yet, you can read The Ashley’s plot summary from last season here.  

Sometimes Jen looks like this....

jen jowett

...and other times she looks like this. Youch.

This group of spoiled, “rich” princesses is much more entertaining than last year’s. We still have the same general cast of characters. Replacing last season’s house antagonistic bitch, Gia is Jen, a West Hollywood idiot who acts like life is one big Playboy party. She drinks too much boxed wine and basically drills her annoyance into everyone else’s ears. There’s a Jersey girl this year too; expect that the new one, Marissa, looks like Hatchet Face from the movie Crybaby. (Look it up. You’ll totally agree.)

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

Who else? There’s one chick, Aimee, who should win a Razzie Award for her bad acting. When she’s informed that her lifestyle is about to change, she awkwardly screams “Nooooo!” SO. FREAKING.BAD. I haven’t seen this bad of acting since Lindsay Lohan was in court pretending to be sober.

Then there’s a big girl named Marcy. She’s fat. And happy. And fabulous, apparently. She likes to eat and says she lives a life of luxury filled with servants. Um, honey, you live in Buena Park, California. That’s very close to where The Ashley grew up. Let’s just say that the house they put you in on the show that you were complaining about is probably a step up from where you actually live. Just sayin’.

Then there’s a black girl who kind of looks like that chick from the “Milkshake” video, complete with 2002 Apple Bottom jeans. Her name is Shakyra (naturally). She is basically mooching off her boyfriend, named Legacy (naturally). He is tired of her spending all his money and has cut her off.

You're Cut Off

"Hmm..I guess my milkshake doesn't actually bring them all to the yard...go figure."

Well, Shakyra “ain’t having none of that.” She refuses to participate in the show once she finds out that she isn’t actually competing to be “The Next ‘It’ Girl” like she thought she was. She tells her boyfriend that “he’s single and he’s cut off.”

Um…cut off from what? Being mooched off of by a broken-down Kelis wannabe? Having to treat her like she’s something special, instead of the lame-ass, obviously delusional gold digger that she is? Poor thing. Shakyra walks off the show, which is why Jersey girl Marissa is brought in.

You're Cut Off

"Where the hell is Brad Womack?! I thought I was on The Bachelor!"

Then there’s Lauren, who describes herself as a HBBQ (Has-Been Beauty Queen). She’s cute as a bug and seems to be super sweet. Why the hell is she on this show? She should really be on a show like The Bachelor! Move to network TV, honey! You’re way too good for VH-1!

Anyway, the girls are introduced in the first episode. They are all lined up and told that, despite what they think, they are not here to compete to be “The Next ‘It’ Girl.” (Bummer?) In fact, one of the girls among them is actually…an imposter! She’s not fabulous or rich! (OMG!)

You're Cut Off

Is that you, Reese Witherspoon?

We then find out that the imposter girl is actually Life Coach Laura, and the girls have been cut off by their rich families (OMG!) They are taken to a (super-cute) little house and told that they will be bunk-bedding it up for the next eight weeks until they learn not to be spoiled. (OMG!)

By the second episode (which aired this week), we really start to get into the good stuff. The girls are basically tricked. Life Coach Laura rewards them by allowing them to go to a country club. The girls get excited and start ordering drinks, massages and some nasty-looking buffet food. What they don’t know is that they are being tricked— nothing is being paid for and they’ve basically stolen all of the stuff they consumed at this fancy country club because they’re CUT OFF and have no money.

(I’m pretty sure this is the country club  they were at .)

Anyway, so the girls are told that they must work off their pool tab by working at the country club in various jobs. First, they must change into the blue polo and khaki pants uniform. Well, a few of these “fashionistas” decide they can’t be seen wearing that uniform so they change it up a little.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! Stop.

One girl, Nadia, decides that the blue shirt would look better if she wore her own denim shorts with it. Um, honey, nothing would look better if you wore those shorts with it. As one of the other girls puts it so beautifully, “Nadia should never be anywhere near the shorts aisle. No one wants to see your thunder thighs or your crotch hanging out.” LOL! The Ashley couldn’t have said it better herself.

"NOOO!" I feel the same way about the attire, Aimee.

Another girl, Hana, ops for a fashionable polo-pants-less look. (Don’t worry, she does wear her thigh-highs with the shirt though.) This show is RIDICULOUS!!! Love it.

Anyway, so as expected, some of the girls put up resistance to the various jobs they’re given: cleaning tennis courts, bussing tables and fishing golf balls out of the lake. Other girls, like Marcy, get the job done but are upset that some of the other chicks totally disregard their chores.

Don’t fear— the girls who did a good job are rewarded with a trip to the Mission Hills Bowling Alley, where they antagonize a poor teenager into getting them alcohol and waiting on them.

Back at home that night, Jen has once again consumed too much boxed wine and is walking (OK, wobbling) around the house looking for trouble. She finds it in Aimee. She pulls her weave (watch it, white girl….you’re asking for trouble) and starts to try to get someone to wrestle her. (As you do.)

Most of the girls end up going outside (probably to get away from Jen’s stank boxed wine breath) and start to play croquet. Here comes Jen, once again looking for trouble. She wants to play, but Aimee says no. Jen pulls her hair and tries to grab the croquet…mallet? Stick? Whatever it’s called. And that’s when madness ensues!

White chicks listen up: black girls DO NOT PLAY when it comes to their hair. Weaves are expensive so if you pull them or damage them in any way, you’re gonna get beat. So don’t touch it.

Too bad Jen didn’t listen because Aimee has had enough and hauls off and HITS HER WITH THE CROQUET MALLET!! This is not fake, because production steps in to break up the fight to prevent Jen’s eventual murder by croquet mallet.

Later, Life Coach Laura tells the girls that violence, and beating people with mallets will not be tolerated. Aimee, Jen and several other girls fail the lesson.

This show is amazing!!!!!!!!

You must watch it!!!!

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The Ashley's Handy Dandy Guide to Upcoming Reality Shows…

"My name's Brad and I'm just going to lean up against this wall until you let me come back on "The Bachelor." Thanks.

It’s almost New Years Eve, which means many of you will be spending this Friday night in a cheap vodka-induced semi-coma (you know AMBO will be!)

It also means that a whole new season of crappy reality shows will be premiering at the start of the new year!!! The Ashley is so excited she feels like she’s going to pee her Hanes Her Ways! (Just for the record, I don’t actually wear those. I think I had a pack in 7th grade though!)

Moving on…

The Ashley has had the dates of the premieres of all of her favorite reality shows swimming around her head. It’s time to get them all nailed down in one place so she doesn’t forget to tune in!! As a courtesy to my fellow crappy TV fans, I’ve composed this list of start dates of all the good shows!!

Here’s what The Ashley will be watching this season….

The Bachelor – premieres Monday, Jan 3

Apparently ABC is going green for this season of everyone’s favorite cheesy lovefest. They have decided to recycle former Bachelor Brad Womack and foist him on another batch of women. (‘Member he was the one that ended up freaking out at the proposal and ditched both girls. It was freaking awesome.) The only problem with bringing Brad back? I thought he was a snoozefest the first time; I can’t imagine how boring he will be for round two. But of course I’ll be watching and making fun where appropriate!

The Biggest Loser – premieres Tuesday, January 4

This season of The Biggest Loser will be the best yet, because The Ashley has inside connections to one of the contestants on the show! She has been promised exclusive interviews so hopefully there will be lots of good stuff to come.

You’re Cut Off – premieres Monday, January 10

The VH1 Gods are shining down on us! They’ve decided to bring back the World’s Most Horrible Show (and world’s most staged show, might I add.) Expect another batch of spoiled rich girls with screeching loud voices and even more annoying habits. Of course most of it will be fake, but it’s good for giggles.

Teen Mom Season 3- premieres Tuesday, January 11 (Which is The Ashley’s birthday!!)

What a wonderful birthday gift for The Ashley! A whole new group of white trash teens is going to be featured on the new season of Teen Mom. Most of them will yawnfests, but we can expect great things from one in particular, Jenelle. The show hasn’t even premiered and already Jenelle is doing entertaining things, such as screaming and physically fighting with her mom, dating creepy guys and shaking her ass and lip synching badly in YouTube videos. I can’t wait to see what other joys this girl brings!

American Idol- premieres Wednesday, January 19

This is the day that The Ashley’s world pretty much stops. She will become obsessed with American Idol (sorry, I can’t help it, I’m pathetic and I don’t care.) No more social outings on Wednesday and Thursday nights for The Ashley. Grandma’s 90th birthday? Nope, sorry, I can’t; I’ve got to watch some crappy singers belt out “I Will Survive.” Ski weekend with friends? Nope, I can’t; I must spend my weekends Googling creepy stuff about the Idol contestants. Again, I’m sad and I know it. Fuck off.

The Amazing Race – premieres Sunday, February 20

This season is called “Unfinished Business” because they are bringing back all of the ‘favorite teams’ that didn’t win any money. On the preview shown during last season’s finale, we saw a hodgepodge of teams who could possibly be on the next season. The Ashley has confirmed a few of the teams that will be on the show next season for sure and will be releasing those very soon. (One hint, yeehaw!)

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Was Chrissy From You're Cut Off "Frontin?"

We should have known from the Forever 21 dress...this bitch is broke!

Well, it depends on who you believe.

If you believe VH-1, “Chrissy is a spoiled-rich princess from Los Angeles. Chrissy’s highest goal in life is to be married three times so she can have three fabulous weddings. It takes a lot of money to even get her to look twice at a man, and she wouldn’t entertain any proposal that didn’t come with at least a $300,000 engagement ring.” (So says her bio on the show’s website.)

Now…if you believe a source that claims she knows Chrissy, (I’ve posted it just like she did to preserve the extra flava!)

First off, her name is Christine. She has a baby and she’s not married. Her azz doesn’t come from some privileged background. She used to live in an apartment off the 710 freeway in Long Beach. Her stepdad was paying the rent there because he had divorced her mom and she (Chrissy) had nowhere to live. He paid the rent for her until she had a job. Which she didn’t keep. So he stopped paying the rent and she had to move in with her grandmother. She used to drive a Ford. Now she’s Chrissy? Get the phuck outta here.”

The source goes on to ‘spill some tea’ on Chrissy. (Am I out of the loop? Is ‘spill some tea’ a hip new saying that the kids are saying these days? The Ashley is so out of it.)

“I remember when her ass was at a video shoot walking around in her bikini during down time. Most people had on robes or cover-ups. Not this trick. She walking around giving people a free show. Her reasons was she thought by doing so, she would get a principal role. Guess what, she didn’t get shyt but hit on by a bunch of scrubs.”

Now, of course, this is just internet speculation, but honestly, I kind of believe it. Of all the girls, Chrissy seemed to be the least classy and the most fake. (And I’m not just talking about her creepy Sharpie-drawn eyebrows. I’ve seen better eyebrows on cholas walking through Anaheim.)

It is strange to know that Chrissy’s family was never shown in the beginning of the show like the other girl’s families were, and Chrissy was conveniently cut out of the show before the finale, so that we wouldn’t have to meet her “rich” parents. But couldn’t they have just cast a guy with a jerry curl and a woman with creepy eyebrows to play her parents?

Well, this source posted this info on a message board  and the comments came flying. The Ashley’s personal favorite response came from a poster called Chillaxion, who writes:

“My first indication that Chrissy didn’t come from Nothing…..those teeth are hideous….I can take the brows but if you gonna be all fabulous Ms. Chrissy please do sumthin bout yo grill girl!!!!!!”

LOL, girl!

But anyway, I don’t think anyone would be shocked to know that a VH-1 reality show is fake. But the thing I don’t understand is why they had to find girls to pretend to be spoiled and annoying. There are plenty of girls who are really like that. Seriously, go out to Melrose Avenue and grab the first 20-something with a designer bag and a bad attitude and I’m sure  the producers would have gotten the drama they were looking for. Why make us suffer through Chrissy’s orchestrated annoyingness for eight weeks?

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