Poor Ali. She just can’t catch a break. First, she goes on The Bachelor and finds “the man of her dreams” (as you do on these shows). Then, she is torn from his arms by a magnetic force (a.k.a. her boss at Facebook who gave her an ultimatum.)

So she goes on The Bachelorette to continue her “quest for love,” giving up everything (which she reminds you six different times during the premiere episode, by the way).

Ok, so, argue if I’m wrong here, but didn’t half of those guys on the show last night look like Jethro Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillies? (I can see it now, Ali and her new love riding into the sunset in their clunker, with Granny in her rocking chair strapped to the top!)

 Anyway, some of my thoughts from last night’s show:

• Couldn’t they get Ali a dress that fit? Seriously, they rent out helicopters, airplanes, the Goodyear blimp, but they couldn’t afford to take her to the tailor and fix her dress so she didn’t have to constantly pull it up all night? Jeez! And that rhinestone broach covering her microphone pack? Horr-ible! It looked like she had a sparkly growth coming out of her ass.
• The fact that if she picks Frank, the guy who left his high-paying job to write screenplays in his parents’ basement, they will probably end up living in said basement, since both are technically unemployed. (“But I’m fulfilled!”)
• Shooter’s story…um, who lied to you, brother? Before you came on the show, did you seriously sit around the kitchen table with your mom and dad and say “if all else fails, I’ll bring out the premature ejaculation story. Girls love that!”
• The Outdoorsman and the weatherman scare the crap out of me. From the outdoorsman proudly showing off all of the critters he has slaughtered and turned into wall hangings, to the weatherman handing Ali one of those suns they stick on the maps (it will come in handy to cover her eyes when she has to look at his face), these guys are permanent passengers on the creepy train.

But if we are really talking creepy here, I’d have to say Kasey takes the cake, hands down. His leg is barely out of the limo before he tells Ali that he is here to protect her heart and be there for her. That’s our first hint that he will be a lawn-sleeper. (The Ashley Definition: A lawn sleeper is a guy who doesn’t believe a girl when she says she wants to break up. He is the guy that is likely to sleep on your front lawn every night until you take him back…or file a restraining order.)