In case you didn’t catch it (or if you did but it has now been completely erased from your memory due to the special “Vienna and Jake Reunion Screaming Match,”) The Ashley is happy to recap what happened on The Bachelorette last night.

On their fourth leg of the “Odd Places Around the World” tour, Ali and the guys head to Portugal (it’s next to Spain, for you geographically impaired folks!) Ali is desperately in need of a dye job.

Um…don’t they have bleach in Portugal? Just saying. Girl needs to get her hair did. In addition to the glaringly bad roots, Ali’s hair extensions are starting to look like frazzled straw. Their attempts to put it into a messy side-ponytail are just not cutting it anymore. Either fix that hair or get yourself a wig, Ali. Please!

Anyway, in Portugal, we are down to five guys: Roberto (the charming Latin lover), Kirk (the often-forgotten All-American), Semi-Creepy Frank, Big Head Chris, Nashville Ty (those two kind of look like brothers, don’t they? I think Vince Vaughn is their long-lost triplet).

I’ll save you all the details and sum up the trip to Portugal for you: Ali…the men….castles….romantic dinners….horse-drawn carriage rides through the city…blah blah blah. Throughout the whole episode, Ali is complaining that she has “a lot on her mind.” Um….seriously?! What could you possibly have on your mind? Waa…they’re making me have a picnic in a castle overlooking the city…waa….. I have five guys fighting over me….waaa.

Seriously, it’s hard for me to feel bad for you. (Now if you were complaining about how bad your hair looks, yes, I’ll give that one to you.) But complaining that you are overwhelmed and have so much on your mind? Yah, that makes The Ashley want to bitch-slap you.

On the dates, Roberto busts out the Latin Lover dance moves in the middle of the street to try to win Ali’s heart. (As you do.) Frank tries to win over Ali by being super-intense and creepy (“You better be coming to my hometown,” is one quote from the Frankster Gangster.) Ty and Kirk are the lovable oafs that fade into the background this episode. And Chris talks almost exclusively about his mother who passed away.

Anywho, the rose ceremony comes and Ali gives out the roses, desperately clutching the last one as she decides between Kirk and Ty, eventually “roseing” Kirk and sending Ty packing. She walks him out to the limo (in the pouring rain, naturally), dramatically standing there long after his limo departs. (No girl would ever do that unless they were forced to by the producers, I’m sorry. Especially one that has a dress on and is wearing false eyelashes.) Well, at least she didn’t have to worry about messing up her hair.

While this episode was all well and good, it was totally overshadowed by what was to come…Jake and Vienna’s reunion special!! (More on that later!)