One word to describe last night’s Bachelorette episode: awkward.

Oh sure, there were some good parts: Ali and Chris L. wading out to their own private island for a paradise picnic; Roberto and Ali frolicking and fondling in the ocean in Tahiti….however, that can’t make up for the complete and utter awkwardness brought on by the Frankster Gangster this week! With all the drama he brings and all the attention he tries to get for himself, it looks like Frankie needs to go to Hollywood. (Sorry, had to.)

In case you missed yesterday’s episode, let me sum up what happened for you. Basically, the episode starts with the guys packing up and heading to Tahiti! But, uh-oh, only two of the three remaining contestants actually head to Tahiti. Frank is actually heading back to Chicago (um, wasn’t he in Chicago already? Wasn’t his hometown date that was supposedly a few days ago in Chicago? Looks like someone screwed up with the editing!)

Why, you ask, is Frankie going to Chicago when he should be heading to the South Pacific for some Fantasy Suite Tahiti lovin’? Because it’s not lovin’ from Ali he wants— it’s love from his ex-girlfriend, Nicole!

Where the hell did Nicole come from? Though Frank said that he had been thinking of her all along, Frank’s change of heart seems completely out of left field to us viewers. When we last saw him, he was introducing Ali to his family, talking about how their relationship has grown to be so important and how he can see himself getting down on one knee and proposing soon. One problem: he didn’t mean to Ali! Technically, he never said who he planned on proposing to!

So Frank knocks on the door of his ex-girlfriend, Nicole, who answers the door ‘surprised,’ remarking “Oh…my…gosh. What.is.going.on?” Even though she was completely taken ‘by surprise,’ luckily, she had taken the time to rent a freaking HOTEL ROOM, do her hair and apply fake eyelashes. What luck that she did all that on the same day Frank was planning to surprise her with a camera crew!

Anyway, so he tells her his dilemma. He has gone on an amazing adventure with Ali and has all these feelings for her. (During this time the ex-girlfriend is sitting there looking at  him like “Gee, thanks, for coming and rubbing it in!”) But then Frank surprises everyone by saying that he can’t stop thinking about Nicole and wants to be with her forever….and then they kiss. (You know half of America’s women were gasping when it happened, yelling “Oh no he did not!” at their television sets. The Ashley sure was!) Thanks for wasting nine weeks of my life, Frank!

So it’s a done deal: Frank and Nicole will get married and live happily ever after….oh wait….there is one little problem: how can he unload Ali?

Not one to miss a free trip to Tahiti, Frank flies halfway around the world to break the news in person. Ali is fresh off a fun and goofy date with Chris L. and a romantic Latin music-filled date with Roberto, but seems to be looking forward to her time with Frankie the most. When she arrives at his hut, she practically mauls him, jumping into his arms with a big hug. Then Frank lowers the boom, telling her “we have to talk.” She gives him a scared look, and he just lets her stand there confused for about five minutes without telling her anything. Finally, he  tells her everything and the awkwardness ensues.

At one point, we have Frank with his head in his hands crying, Ali with her head in her hands crying and nothing else happening. It lasted for an agonizing minute or two. I started to count the mosquitos that were flying by their heads in order to curb the awkward silence that I felt.

So Frank ends up leaving on a boat. (I was hoping she would run after him, jumping into the water and hanging onto the back of his boat, begging him to reconsider. Extra points if Crazy Kasey was also hanging onto Ali’s legs, begging her to let him guard her heart!)

A rose ceremony is still held, and Ali tells the guys what happened to Frank. Well, actually, she is super-vague and cryptic, leaving the guys even more confused. She also wants to be clear that just because Frank left, these guys are not being chosen by default; she really wants them there. (Right.. if I were Chris L. I’d be jumping for joy that Frankie left…otherwise he wouldn’t have had a chance!)

Here’s my question: did the other guys just find out last night what actually happened to the Frankster Gangster? Chris L. (I like how we still call him that despite the fact that the other Chris has been gone for like six weeks) was probably thinking it was family problems back home, and with him losing his mother recently (as we’ve heard, and heard, and heard), he was probably feeling bad for Frankie. Then, tonight he finds out that Frank actually left because he wanted to bone some other chick. I’d be pissed if I’d been feeling bad for Frank this whole time and just found out the real reason he left!

So next week we have the Men Tell All episode. Rumor has it that neither of this season’s douchebags, Frank or Justin “Rated R” will be attending. Lame. If you’re going to be a douche, at least be man enough to admit it.

Let me note here: the HIGH-larious photos (Roberto’s note and the shark photo) are from a site called www.notzombies.com.  The Ashley aspires to be as good as this guy someday!