It’s Tuesday, which means another episode of the Bachelor Pad has come and gone. While watching my crappy reality shows usually makes me feel dumb, watching this show makes me feel dirty. I seriously want to take a long soak in Lysol after watching each episode.

The episode begins—where else? — at the pool! Hanging out by the pool is all that these people do (other than talk shit on each other, of course!)  That pool is just a vat of STD— I’m sure the sperm to chlorine ratio is 3:1. I feel like I’m going to get herpes just watching them swim around in there.

But moving on….

I learned a lot from this week’s Bachelor Pad. Honestly. Five years of college (yeah, it took me five not four, let’s get past that) and I still have much to learn. Luckily, the yokels on the Bachelor Pad are just spewing with smarts to pass along to me. (Not to mention many forms of venereal disease)

Things I learned from watching this week’s episode:

• Wes is the modern-day Shakespeare. No seriously, he is. If Gia gives her word, it must be true. (Cause that worked out so well for Craig Big Hair last week, right?!) He’s like Shakespeare only better and cuter.
• Melissa Rycroft STRICKLIN serves no purpose but to stand next to Chris Harrison and catch him in case he falls over. And she can’t smile.
• Krisalee (or however the hell you spell her name) is determined to get her money’s  worth of her Bump-It purchase! Girlfriend is going to bust that thing out every single day to make it worth her $10 plus tax!
• Natalie would make out with every guy in the house for, like, $20. (No word if that is $20 for each fella, or $20 total. I’m assuming it’s $20 each guy, because that Natalie seems like a classy broad…..)
• It’s a bad idea to tell your housemates that you boned someone in the Fantasy Suite. This could cause you to be a labeled a “couple” and put you at risk for being voted off. Instead, just emerge from the Fantasy Suite wearing no shirt and having bedhead. That way no one will know!
• If you’re a high school teacher, partaking in a kissing contest is a no-no. Your students will lose respect for you if 7 guys kiss you on the lips. Luckily, if you participate in a game of slutty bikini Twister, that’s totally stellar with the school district! Right hand on red!
• If you have a boyfriend back in New York, it’s sooo not OK to cheat on him by letting 7 guys peck you on the lips. However, laying in bed with a creepy crooning cowboy? A-OK!
• Going to Vegas with Nikki is like going to Vegas with your grandma. Just sayin’.

Waiting till next week to see if Elizabeth finally can’t contain her crazy anymore and kills and skins everyone in the house, except for Jessie Kovaks, who she will keep as her pet. Love it!