This week’s episode of The Bachelor starts off with a familiar sound: Brad giving us the standard run-down:

• This is his second chance at love.
• He is completely different this time.,
• He really, really cares about these six…I mean eight, women.
• His heart is heavy.

Gag me with a spoon. Must we hear this repeated at the beginning of every episode?! Geez. At least he didn’t wheel his therapist out this time to tell us.

Anyway, the episode gets straight to the point; we start off on our way to Costa Rica! Brad is already there and when the girls arrive, they head to a resort called The Springs Resort. They look over the balcony and see a waving douchebag standing below…oh wait, that’s Brad.

He walks the girls to their villa. (Don’t worry– it includes a hot tub, naturally!) All the girls marvel at the nearby volcano. Crazy Michelle contemplates throwing Emily into the volcano. Then Brad presents a date card for…Chantel O.! (This was funny because Ali and Britt have yet to have a one-on-one with Brad, while Chantel O. has already had like four.) Michelle contemplates feeding Chantel O. to the monkeys.

Anyway, Chantel is excited to see what their date will entail. They turn the corner to a clearing in the grounds and see…wait for it… a HELICOPTER! O-M-G! Never seen that on the Bachelor before. I seriously hope that the producer of this show owns his own helicopter by now. It would save him a crapload of money in rental fees.

But anyway, they show a quick jump to what’s happening at home. Michelle has cornered poor Emily and is discussing how horrible and aggressive Chantel O. is. (That’s kind of the horrible and aggressive pot calling the kettle black, isn’t it?) Emily sits there frightened.

Back in the rainforest, we see that Chantel and Brad will be zip-lining through the trees! Luckily, Brad is wearing a hideous bright orange T-shirt, so he’ll be easy to spot if the line breaks and he splats into the rainforest. First, each of them ziplines alone, then they go tandem (a.k.a. doggie-style.)

Brad rambles on about how perfect they are together, how he’s falling for Chantel, blah blah blah. The only saving grace of this scene was the few shots of monkeys that they showed.

Back at the hut, another date card has arrived and it’s for….Ali. Damn! It would have been freaking hilarious if he had chosen Emily again and completely ignored Ali. I love watching her face every time the card isn’t for her.

Meanwhile, Chantel and Brad are having an island picnic when it begins to rain. (Cue Alanis Morisette song: “It’s like raaaainn….on your one-on-one date…..) Isn’t it ironic that it always rains on their dates? Don’t you think? (Sorry, I had to go there.)

To seek refuge from the rain, Brad shuttles Chantel into the nearest building…which just happens to be his hotel room. Awesome. They are soaked, so naturally Brad gives Chantel a white shirt to change into. (He couldn’t have given her some pants? WTF?) I guess he is trying to create some weird female version of “Risky Business.”

Once he sees Chantel in the shirt (no pants) outfit, he gets all pervy and has to escape to the bathroom to wack off for a few minutes. After he cleans off, they talk about how they’re crazy for each other.

Brad scolds Chantel for being a jealous crapball in Vegas and she says it won’t happen again. Brad believes her and says that she doesn’t seem like she’ll be dramatic anymore. Sure Brad, just wait until you’re boning Ashley H. during the Final Three dates and see how undramatic Chantel becomes. Ugh.

Chantel informs us that she is now in love with Brad. Seriously. Shoot me.

The next day is the group date. And more rain. The six girls are told that they will be repelling (or ‘rappalling’ as the sign calls it)  down a waterfall with a tether cord. Hopefully Michelle wasn’t allowed near any of the other girls’ tether cords. She’s nuts, and she’s a hair dresser so we know she’s good with scissors…a little snip snip of Emily’s or Ashley’s cord and there’s one less girl to worry about..

Jackie‘s crying because she’s afraid of heights. Michelle’s crying because Brad isn’t supposed to repel down anything with anyone but her.  Brad’s near tears because he can’t take this much estrogen any longer.

Jackie needs to just go. Otherwise, there’s a good chance Michelle may push her off the cliff. However, Michelle’s being dramatic about Jackie being dramatic. Um, wasn’t Michelle being super dramatic a few episodes back when she had to repel down a building?!

Jackie goes and then Michelle literally beats Brad into submission and he agrees to repel down with her. That’s what he gets for being such a wuss. One of these days, Michelle’s not going to be hitting you with just her fists, Brad. One day there’s going to be a hammer in there too, and then you’ll see that you should have put a stop to this right away.

Later that night, the girls strip down to go to a hot springs. Brad bitches about how it’s so hard to satisfy so many women. Boo.freaking.hoo. Then maybe you should date men, I don’t know what to tell you.

Brad pulls Emily aside to talk to her. She looks adorable, in her ruffly bathing suit. Despite the fact that she’s all wet and her makeup is running, she’s still by far the best looking woman there.

She also has a cute side braid in her hair (which every one of the other women will copy at some point later in the episode).

Next, it’s time for more drama with Michelle. All she wants to do is argue about Brad being with other girls and Brad is over it. This is the first time we see that Brad is becoming both annoyed and creeped out by Michelle. She goes in for the kiss and he turns his face so he kisses her cheek! BURN! Love it.

Brad is annoyed by all the girls (except for Britt, who hasn’t peeped two words in the whole three days that they’ve been there.) He tells them he only gives roses to people who he feels he could have a future with, so he is not giving out a rose tonight. (Does that mean Chantel O. can start registering for the wedding over at the Wal-Mart now?) He is trying to teach these chicks to stop being annoying and needy. And creepy.

Back at home, Ali gets her date card which reads “Meet Me at the Alter.” Ali gets excited because it reminds her of marrying Brad. Enjoy it, honey, because this is the closest you’ll come to walking down the aisle with this guy.

She sees a ginormous beetle inside the house and freaks out. Seriously, I haven’t seen that much screaming for a Beatle since Shay Stadium. (If you’re young you probably don’t get that joke, sorry. Let me help you.)

Anyway, it’s time for Ali’s one-on-one. I hope she’s all packed up because there’s no way in hell she’s coming back. Brad shows up on a horse (as you do), along with a horse for Ali and two baby horses (I wanna hang out with baby horses! So cute! There’s no reason for the babies to be there, except to increase the cute factor. Man, these producers know their target audience well!)

Ali learns that her date will be cave dwelling…basically walking in dirty water through pitch black caves. Wow. All the other girls get glamorous dates and Ali has to crawl through sewer water? Screw this date, man.

Yeah, and the cave is full of bats. BATS! Thousands of bats. Ali starts screaming. (She should be screaming “I wanted the Fendi dress! I want the shopping spree! Mercy! Mercy!”) There’s a waterfall at the end with some steps that are called “the Alter.” It’s pretty but it doesn’t make up for the thousands of freaking bats.

So Jackie gets a private concert, Ashley gets a private carnival, Shawntel gets a super shopping spree and Ali gets rabies?

Later, Ali does get a meal (which they eat on a platform over a steaming pond…pretty cool.) Boring small talk ensues (what do you expect? It is Brad.) Brad says that they’re sinking. Yeah, I think we all feel that this date is sinking fast. Oh wait…he was talking about the platform.

Ali’s on her way to No Roseville when she starts talking about how her old boyfriend was a great person but not for her. Brad says he knows exactly how that is (because it’s totally how he feels about Ali.) He’s trying to dump her but she keeps talking. Stop talking and let him dump you so we can move on!

No rose for Ali. I’d have bet my first-born child on that one. Into the cab she goes. Hopefully she got a to-go box for her dinner.

Brad returns to his room after the dumping to cuddle with Chantel’s undies. There’s a knock at the door. I think we know where this is going. It’s freaking Michelle. Brad looks around hoping that someone will come and remove this lunatic from his room, but there’s no one. Michelle kisses him and tells him Chantel isn’t right for him. Again. And that she’s mad at him. Again.

Michelle then tells him that the order that the girls will leave is as follows: Britt, Jackie, Chantel, Shawntel, Emily and then Ashley. Wow. She got that pretty close, I’d say. However, she may just have saved Britt’s butt for another week by being so creepy.

It’s cocktail party time. All of the girls’ hair is looking pretty rough, which is understandable given the rain and humidity. 

Michelle is being argumentative and annoying and Brad looks like he is ready to tell her “Back off bitch!” Maybe she has sealed her fate and will be going home.

Shawntell tells Brad that they should play the silent game, which is just an excuse to give him a big, nasty tongue-y French kiss. Yuck.

Chantel, sporting her cave girl costume from last Halloween, decides that it’s time to tell Brad that she loves him. (After all, it has been, like, two weeks since she met him. I’d say it’s long overdue.) He tells her thanks. LOL!

Chris Harrison makes his only appearance of the night and the rose ceremony begins. Ashley, Emily, Shawntel all get roses. Then, Brad pulls a fast one on us and gives Britt a rose, leaving only Jackie and Michelle. Just when we think Michelle’s getting the boot, he gives her the rose and send Jackie home. OMG! We all totally got played by Brad.

Brad tells Jackie that she’s “one in a million.” Then he tells her to hit the road.

Next week the gang’s going to Anguilla. Brad tells the girls and they squeal, but we all know there’s no way these chicks have any idea where the hell that place is. 

I personally can’t wait…

In the meantime, I recommend that you guys read Chris Harrison’s after-show blog. It always has a lot of cool ‘behind-the-scenes’ stuff. You can read that here.

Also, some of the screen caps used here are from www.jokersupdates.com.