Tell-All Time!

Every season of The Bachelor wouldn’t be complete without the “Women Tell All” episode. Basically, it’s the network’s way of stalling the big “orgasm” of the season, the finale, and keeping the ratings for an extra week before they “blow their load,” so to speak.

The episode started with the obligatory “Brad is a changed man” speech from Chris Harrison. Seriously? AGAIN!? Must they interject that into every freaking episode. At least they didn’t wheel out his therapist to proclaim that he’s “ready for love again.” Thank the Lord for that one. If I had to hear it one more time, I probably would have punched my TV screen and then myself for watching this crap.

Anyway, the episode was actually filmed only a few weeks ago, so The Ashley finds it amusing that Brad has to sit there and talk about how he loves both women, when it reality he’s been engaged for months. That’s Hollywood, folks!

Brad and Chris quickly run us back through the list of rejects. Brad talks about how Shawntel‘s talk of draining dead bodies, as well as Madison‘s fangs and Michelle (in general) freaking him the F out at times. He says it was hard for him to be on the show because he has no game. Wait, what are you talking about, Brad? Your classic pickup lines of “I miss your family” and “I love your hometown” totally made you a smoooooth operator!

Chris introduces the wolf pack, I mean other girls who have returned to tear off Michelle’s face, I mean talk about Brad. He introduces Sarah P., Lisa, Marissa and Meghan….um, sorry but who the hell are these people?! Raichel and Melissa, Madison, Ashley S. and Ashley H. are also there, along with Michelle and Shawntel.

Ashley H. is sporting a new look: long brown extensions and bangs. I was so happy to see that she got bangs, I’ve seriously been screaming at the TV telling her to get bangs for the last five episodes! And I was right; she looks sooo much better!) Perhaps she got a makeover to prepare herself for a new gig…such as becoming the Bachelorette…..

Oh yah. Jackie is there too. I forgot about that chick. She always bugged me. Jackie says she was so happy in the beginning of the season when she realized that the Bachelor was Brad Womack because he was a “real man.” Um…seriously? We’re both talking about Brad right? Brad Womack? Just checking.

The first thing Chris wants to discuss with the girls is Michelle’s general craziness and snarky remarks made behind the other girls’ backs. Lisa tries to defend Michelle’s craziness. This is the first time we’ve ever heard Lisa utter a word the whole season. However, the other girls start circling their prey and attack Michelle for all the mean things she said.

Jackie calls Michelle a spider because “she’s creepy and everyone’s afraid of her.” Michelle starts to “cry.” The camera flashes to Chris Harrison who looks like he’s about to crap himself because he’s trying to hold in his laughter.

By this time, everyone’s talking over each other, discussing whether Michelle should just be burned at the stake for her rude comments. Ashley H. jumps to Michelle’s defense. She’s clearly going for the Miss Congeniality award….or perhaps…a chance to be the Bachelorette????

Michelle blames her aggressive and creepy behavior on her daughter. That’s it, blame the kid. That will make America like you better.

I feel the same way.

Next, Chris Harrison wants to bring up the Melissa versus Raichel catfight. Um, who the F cares about these people??! I couldn’t stand this whole charade the first time, why the hell would I want to revisit it and re-watch their “I know you are but what am I” spat? The Ashley went to get a snack during this part, so I didn’t see the rest. The only part I saw was Ashley H. telling everyone thst she loves both Melissa and Raichel and that we should all just learn from this and move on. Hmmm…she would totally make a good…Bachelorette! Back to the coffee house for you, Melissa, and back to waxing mens’ balls for you, Raichel. Please never, ever come back.

Moving on (mercifully)….

It’s time to talk to Michelle. She’s sniffling and emotional and busting the best fake tears since the big Jake and Vienna Brawl of 2010. Don’t even try to get America to like you now, honey, there’s no way you’re going to be the next Bachelorette.

Michelle says that being on the Bachelor was the most intense situation she’s ever been in. (Um, more intense than when you broke up a pro basketball player’s marriage and then allegedly blackmailed him?) She feels bad that she ditched her daughter to go suck face with Brad in Costa Rica. Well, we all have to make sacrifices.

The other girls can’t take it any longer. They attack her for leaving her daughter and call her a bad mother. Stacey and that blonde chick who I never saw before go for Michelle’s jugular, telling her a good mom would never leave her daughter (um…wonder how Emily’s feeling right about now while watching this…) Michelle starts crying hysterically. Jesus girls, put your lynching ropes down. It’s just the freaking Bachelor!!!

Michelle tries to defend herself, telling Stacey it’s wrong to attack her “mothering.” Stacey says she would never raise her child like that. Guess what, Stacey, no one freaking cares what you think. Everyone needs to pop a Midol and shut the hell up.

Jackie joins in with the wolf pack. She’s been obnoxiously vocal this evening. Come on Michelle, push those chairs out of the way and beat those rejects with your shoe, Jerry Springer-style.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen. Michelle just sits there and blubbers about her daughter. Strangely, she didn’t mention her kid more than once or twice the whole season, yet now she must mention her every other sentence. Jesus, is it 10:00 yet? Chris Harrison puts a stop to bartender Stacey’s tirade, telling her that “hey, that may be OK at the TGI Friday’s where you work, but it’s not OK here.”

Next up is a segment with Ashley S. We re-watch the clip of her getting dumped in Vegas. It makes her cry just watching it. Poor little thing. She has a good chance of stealing that Bachelorette hat from Ashley H.! She talkes about how Brad’s words devestated her. Chris asks her if she feels like she deserves to be happy. What the hell kind of question is that?!?!?

“How do you like me now, Brad?!”

Finally it’s Ashley H’s turn in the hot sea. She looks a lot less like Carrie Underwood with brown hair, but I think the new ‘do suits her well. Chris asks her if she was in love with Brad. Ashley says it was too early to know. Chris basically begs her to say that, yes, she loved Womack. Ashley drops the subtle hint that she’s “ready to start dating again.” If only there was a show where she could meet 25 eligible bachelors who would drop everything to go on dates with her…..

It’s finally time for Brad to come out and grace us with his impecible witt. He drones on about how great Michelle and the Ashleys are (totally forgetting to acknowledge any of the other women). Ashley H. begs Brad for forgiveness (huh?!?) in a long babbling speech that includes the word “like” way too much.

Then we see two clips of the final two women: Chantel and Brad. In Chantel’s clip, he tells us that he can see Chantel as his wife. In Emily’s clip, he tells us that he wants Emily as his wife. That pretty much says it all right there.

My money’s on Emily!!

Oh, and by the way…that story about Emily in In Touch Weekly this week is so ridiculous. The only thing they got right is that she fudged on her “children’s hospital event planner” job. They certainly couldn’t put “Living Off the In-Laws” next to her name. Yes, she dated Dale Earnheardt Jr. and hosted a race show, but she wasn’t hiding any of that. It was common knowledge. She was emotional at the Vegas racetrack because that was the last place Rickey raced. (You can read more about this and other Emily info here.) The girl who did the interview was looking to get her name in a magazine.  Lame.