It’s episode 3 of the most boring season of The Bachelorette EVER (and I’m even taking into consideration DeAnna‘s season where all she did was talk about herself the whole time.) The Ashley has been so uninspired that she has yet to write a recap for this season. However, Chris Harrison and the producers have said that this episode will “be the most shocking Bachelorette episode ever” (never heard that before) so I figured I should watch.

Anyways, there’s 15 guys left and everyone is stoked semi-excited to get a date with Ashley. Ben gets the first one-on-one date. You can just see his face sink when he realizes that not only are they going to stay clothed on this date (no hot tub in sight!) but that they are also going to a dance studio. Ashley decides that she is going to share her gift of dance choreography with Ben (and an unwilling ‘Bachelorette’ viewing audience.)

Poor Ben is flapping around like your drunk uncle at a disco. Ashley teaches him a dance and you can just tell that Ben knows his fate: this dance is totally going to come back to bite him in the ass!

After the creepy dance lesson, Ashley and Ben go for a nice relaxing picnic in the park. Everyone is staring and taking cell phone camera videos of them and Ben is feeling a little uncomfortable. Hey, he thinks. At least I’m not stuck in that dance studio learning that horrific dance! Not so fast, Benny….not so fast.

Ashley decides she needs to do her crappy dance right there in the middle of the park, forcing poor Ben to be her accomplice. All of a sudden, music comes on and everyone starts doing her lame-ass dance! FLASH MOB! (Or just a huge crowd of people doing Ashley’s crappily coordinated dance, whatever you want to call it.)

Ashley said that the date was perfect for Ben…yeah, I’m sure he’ll go back and tell all his locker room buddies about the time he was forced to do the Dougie in the middle of a park on national TV. Super.

Ben finally gets the token poolside/pink-light dinner. He starts talking like the Micro Machines Man on speed, and says he wants to live in a bubble when it comes to love and romance. Ashley swoons. Well, buddy, if you want to live in a bubble, you’ve come to the right place! He gets a rose and a kiss, but that still doesn’t make up for that crap-tastic Flash Mob date from hell.

The next day is the group date. Jeff, the Masked Man, has decided to reveal himself. (His face, not that other part, you sickos!) He pulls Ashley outside for added dramatic effect and after a few minutes, the mask is off. He’s not a cyclops. He doesn’t have a glass eye. I don’t know about you but I feel gyped. Moving on…

The guys are off to the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip, where they learn that there’s going to be an Ashley Roast! (Oh, God, why can’t I be a part of this date?!) Seriously, this is just f’d up! There’s no possible way this could turn out well. The guys not only have to make fun of Ashley, but they have to do so in front of a sold-out crowd. I feel so bad for these guys. It’s really hard to make fun of someone you hardly even know (at least to their face).

Here’s the problem: Ashley was probably totally excited about this when producers suggested the idea. Girls always think they want to know what guys really think of them, but the truth is, chicks can never handle it. So don’t ask. Period.

Mask Boy makes fun of Ashley’s flat chest (which she is conveniently ‘showing off’ in a unbuttoned painter’s smock…sexy). This opens the door for the guys to jab at Ashley. All of them choose to make fun of her small chest. Booooring.

Finally, William decides that he’s had enough nonsense and is ready for some real roasting. He shows us the three ways to win a woman: first call her trash, then call her used and then tell her he would have preferred that the Bachelorette have been anyone but her.

Everyone is shocked and it makes the entire night feel awkward and dirty. Ashley cries in the corner. The Ashley thought it was f’ing hysterical. (Don’t ask to be roasted if you can’t take the heat, yo!) No one else thought it was funny, and the rest of the guys are treating William like a leper. Ashley pulls him aside and makes him cry. Everyone on this show needs a Midol, I swear.

William hangs his head in shame and says he must leave. He’s off and running down Hollywood Blvd., perhaps waiting for a male gigolo to pick him up and lead him into a life of male prostitution? Is this really necessary? Just go back, we all know you’re too much of a famewhore to leave this show!

Meanwhile, Ryan the Human Ken Doll swoops in to make Ashley feel all better. Bentley comes over and Ashley tells him what Michelle Money told her about him. He doesn’t even deny it. Ashley pretty much tells him that she loves him. Are you serious? Even my dog can see through this crap knocker!

Bentley decides that he can’t bear another day of looking at Ashley’s face and must leave. He goes to her house and tells her he has to leave to be with his daughter. Here’s my question: if he’s on the Bachelorette to promote his business, why the hell is he acting like such a jerk?! No woman in Utah is going to give money to this scum sucker!

Ashley’s devastated, and runs to cry Marsha Brady-style on her bed. She wails that her heart is broken and that she thought he was “the one.” After two dates you fell in love? You deserve to be heartbroken for acting like a nitwit!

Poor J.P. is the sucker who gets stuck with the Post Bentley Breakup date. He’s so cute and sweet, yet she continues to wail over Bentley. Then, just to make his date even worse that it is already, Ashley changes into jammy pants and puts on her big glasses. Why not just pull out the retainer?! This poor guy.

The next day, Ashley decides to skip the cocktail party and go right to the rose ceremony (thank the Baby Jesus!) Suddenly, William reappears (I guess he gave up on turning tricks on Hollywood Blvd. and decided to give Ashley another shot.) Surprisingly, he gets a rose.

She ends up cutting Mask Boy and some guy I’ve never seen before. Mask Boy is devestated and decides to throw his mask into the fire on the way out. And….scene!

Next week, we’re off to Thailand (but there will be no phukking in Phuket!)

Photos: ABC/Rick Rowell