Ok, kids, we’re not crapping around anymore: we are literally one week from the end of Ashley Herbert‘s ‘Quest to Find Love.” We are down to only three guys, what with the demise of Ames last week. (Don’t worry, Ames fans, you’ll be able to see that big ol’ forehead once again: he’s going to be on the Bachelor Pad!)

Anyway, Ashley starts the episode off by saying that this “journey to find love” seems like it began years ago. You know what they say: time flys when you’re having fun….oh, wait. This season has seriously been the most boring and painful to watch. Chris Harrison pretty much checked out somewhere around the third or fourth episode, and at this point isn’t even pretending to care what the hell Ashley does.

We’re down to goofy Ben F. (or Benef, as The Ashley likes to call him), his twin more-ethnic brother Constantine and J.P. Do we really need to continue this charade? Can’t J.P. just give Ashley the Neil Lane rock now so we can move on to the much more HO-tastic ‘Bachelor Pad?!’ Think about it, ABC.

Ashley informs us why she likes each guy. Each explanation is just brimming with cheesy cliches, naturally. She says she likes Constantine, but loves his family. (Um, yeah, I’m sure that old Greek man throwing money at you at Constantine’s house didn’t hurt!) She says she likes J.P. because he looks like a model and she can see a future with him. She likes Ben too because he’s goofy. I’m sure he’s thrilled to hear that.

Ashley says that she’s so happy that she’s at the end of this journey. (That makes two of us!)

First up for a one-on-one Fiji dream date is Ben F. Ashley is all gussied up, ready for her date when there’s a knock on the door and….it’s Ryan (yes, Mr. Happy is back!) He said he’s there to surprise Ashley. (Um, is that code for ‘I want a free trip to Fiji and I’m willing to look like a fool to get it?’)

Although I think free Fiji fun was part of his motivation, I honestly believe that he’s so egotistical that he can’t believe that a girl like Ashley dumped him. He explains to her that he knows there was more there and asks her if she regrets her decision. Um, couldn’t this have been done on the phone?

The whole time while he is pleading his case, Ashley is just giving him the “smile and nod.” It’s very awkward because we know there’s no way in hell that boy is coming back. Finally, he hands her a note (are we in third grade here? Was it printed on Lisa Frank stationary?) and tells her to read it and think things over about taking him back.

After she’s pried Ryan’s desperate paws off of her, it’s time for Ashley to go on her romantical date with Ben. Keeping with that ‘normalcy’ thing, they are going yachting. It’s time to apply the suncreen.

Ashley appears to be wearing the same swimsuit she wore during the awkward-tastic Sports Illustrated photo shoot on Brad’s season. Luckily, she’s ditched the strategically placed starfish and is wearing a top this time. They are playing sexy-time music, but we all know the truth: there’s nothing sexy about either one of them.

Ben tells Ashley that he sees a future with her, and loves how real things are with her. Um, sorry to break it to you Ben, but a normal marriage is not all snorkeling in Fiji and candlelit beach dinners. Not even close. You want a sense of normalcy and realness? They should make them go to Red Lobster. And use a coupon. That’s real life…just sayin’….

It’s time for the dinner on the beach and Ben’s busted out his best see-through midriff for the occasion. There’s a reason for his fancy attire: he’s planning on telling Ashley that he loves her. SERIOUSLY??? WTF…you’ve had literally like three dates with the girl. You probably know Bob the camera guy better than Ashley.

Ashley passes Ben a note and it’s an invite into the Fantasy Suite. He accepts, but chickens out on telling her that he loves her. (Maybe that’s because you don’t even know her?!)

The next date belongs to Constantine….and there’s finally an f-ing helicopter! It’s about time! He’s stoked, as he’s never been on a helicopter before. Ashley slaps the helicopter headset on like an old pro and they’re off. The producers must not have paid last year’s helicopter bill, which is why we haven’t seen one until now.

Oh yeah, as their helicopter takes off, creepy Ryan is pondering deep thoughts on the tidepools below. Of course.

Constantine is so boring, I don’t even want to write about him (except to make fun of the fact that he wears full-on tennis shoes with his bathing suit.) He has the personality of a brick and there’s absolutely no chemistry between them. Literally, I think Ashley would prefer to be on a date with Constantine’s money-throwing father. I know I would.

By dinner, things are just painful to watch. They keep talking about how they’re unsure about each other. Finally, Constantine has had enough and decides to end the shenanigans: he basically tells her ‘I’m not into you and there’s no way in hell I’m going to the Fantasy Suite with you.’

Ashley has been dumped again. She puts on her poker face and acts like it’s a mutual decision but you know she’s pissed that all these guys keep bailing out on her. He gives her a pity hug and “walks out of her life, forever.”

To make herself feel better, she goes and finally dumps Ryan (or gives him his “period,” to borrow a term from the Bentley era.) “There, now I feel better,” she thinks.  He cries about how he’ll never find love (if only there was a show that had the sole purpose of getting people to fall in love….oh, wait. Can we say ‘Bachelor 2012?’)

I wonder if Ryan and Constantine shared a rent-a-shuttle to the airport?

Finally, it’s JP’s date. She’s all over him. A seaplane pulls up and they fly off into the horizon to a private island (as you do). They have a casual talk about their future while frolicking in the water. It’s so obvious that they’re fighting the urge to just go bone already and call it a season.

At dinner, there are cheesy cliches flying everywhere; “leap of faith” is used about 35 times. Finally, it’s time for the sex. She presents the Fantasy Suite card and they head off to the hotel to get their freak on. (I just hope they changed the sheets from when she was in there with Ben?)

Ashley’s saved the special sexy-time lingerie for JP…she walks out wearing a man’s white button down shirt. Hey, it worked for Chantel last season with Brad, so Ashley figured why not?

Then they bone. Obviously.

It’s time for the rose ceremony. It’s not going to be all that exciting since there are only two men left now. Ashley stares at the three portraits of the men she came to Fiji with, and dramatically flips the one with Constantine’s grinning mug over.

The only thing that could save this season is if either JP or Ben bail, leaving the other schmuck holding the bag and being forced by process of elimination to marry Ashley. No such luck…they both accept the roses. Damn it!

Next week: we head to another island in Fiji where we will get to meet Ashley’s family. I can hardly contain myself.