This week’s episode of Teen Mom was entitled “Terrible Twos.” However, to be fair, MTV should have at least given us a warning and called it “Terrible Television” because that’s basically what this episode was. Not only was it boring but it was missing all of the important elements that make a great ‘Teen Mom’ episode: no Butch, no tornado of ciggie smoke compliments of April and not one uttering of “I’M DONE!” by either Gary or Amber. Boo to the hoo.

Anyway, Catelynn and Tyler have joined the working force (which is more than I can say about most of the cast of this show). They’re working hard for the money, but Catelynn’s taking a few days off from the jewelry boutique to attend the annual birth mom retreat. She is feeling guilty that she and Tyler have not called Brandon ‘n’ Teresa and hopes that talking about it with the other birth moms will help.

Catelynn attends the birth retreat with her friend Paige (from the Adoption Special). It’s very sweet but not very interesting so I’m not going to write about it.

Meanwhile, Farrah gets her grades and discovers that, despite “Deborah” giving her bad advice during her final, she’s managed to pass her classes and graduate. (I, for one, am resting much easier knowing that F & S Restaurant is one step closer to materializing, as I’m sure you are.) She receives a “C” in “Skills,” and says she doesn’t agree with that. Yeah, me either…I’m sure they were just being nice and just gave you the “C” so they wouldn’t have to deal with you anymore.

Anyway, Farrah calls Deb to give her the news, and then hands the phone to Sophia to talk. You can almost see it on Sophia’s face that she realizes this is her one and only chance to get the hell away from her crazy mom. She looks like she wants to do a frantic Google search to try to find Brandon ‘n’ Teresa’s number. However, the phone is taken away before she can make the call. Poor Sophia.

Farrah decides that she should celebrate her graduation by getting a puppy. They head to the puppy mill (ugh…please adopt your pets from the pound kids. Don’t go to breeders!) She tells the puppy guy that she is looking for a dog that’s small enough to fit in a bag. No.Seriously. I did not make that up.

After she says that, all the puppies in the cages around Farrah just lose complete control of their bladders, terrified that they will be the one chosen to go home and be bagged by the psycho lady with the fake boobs and vacant eyes. They choose a small black pup and after they leave with him, Farrah realizes that Deb will probably be unhappy to have one more mouth to feed so Farrah tells Sophia that they will have to hide Puppy, thus starting “Farrah’s Great Puppy Caper.” (Sounds like the name of a Babysitter’s Club book, yes?)

In Villa de Maci, Kyle’s helping out by giving Bentley a bath in the bathtub (and by bathtub I mean giant sunken indoor jacuzzi. I don’t know why but her having that luxury tub just bothers me.)

Maci heads to journalism class and is offering tips to the other students about feeling more comfortable about reading your work aloud or something like that. (I wasn’t really paying attention to what she was saying. I was too busy watching the guy in the background. You could just see on his face that he was trying to figure out if he should try to talk to the MTV producers after they finish taping to see if they can put in a good word for him with the Real World casting crew.)

Meanwhile, Amber’s moving into her ginormous house (this one doesn’t have a luxury tub like Maci’s though. That’s probably for the best, because Amber would just fill it up with boxes, Burger King food wrappers and other assorted trash anyway.)

Gary calls and says that he would like to do Leah’s upcoming birthday party separately from Amber. Gary says it’s because he doesn’t want to tease Leah into thinking that her parents are together. This is actually pretty mature and insightful, and I start to believe that Gary’s making better decisions and moving past the drama parade that is his and Amber’s relationship.

Not so fast! One minute after he says this, he turns right around and says he loves Amber and wants her back. Oh, Gary. We end the scene with Gary saying he’s having his own party for Leah, and Leah screaming “Ammmmber!” as he hangs up. This kind of breaks my heart. Leah only knows her mother as Amber, the lady with the half eyebrows that comes around occasionally to fight with her daddy.

It’s Puppy Time in Farrah land. The puppy is in a cage in the backseat of Farrah’s car and is clawing to high heaven to try to get the F*** out of there before his fate is sealed and he is bagged. Farrah says that she plans to hide Puppy from Deb until Christmas, because she can’t say no on Christmas. Just because its the Baby Jesus’ birthday is not going to make Deb more apt to agree to having one more yappy mouth to feed who does nothing but piss on people and bark at her. (She already has Farrah to do that!)

At the house, Puppy has been outfitted in one of Sophia’s old dresses and seems to have accepted his fate. Farrah decides that Puppy needs to be potty-trained, but can’t be bothered with pesky pee pads or any other type of actual training so she takes the dog into the bathroom and HOLDS IT OVER THE TOILET and yells “go potty!”

Sophia comes into the bathroom and watches the scene, knowing full well that her diaper days are also limited and that she will soon be the one being dangled over the toilet being yelled at to squeeze out a few drops to appease her crackpot mother. Poor, poor Sophia.

Immediately after this ridiculous scene, Puppy leaves a big F-U-CRAZY-LADY pile on Farrah’s rug. I like this puppy already. Next time poop on her pillow though. Thanks.

At Maci’s, Ryan’s mom has arrived to pick up Bentley and realizes that Kyle is living with Maci. She later asks Ryan what he wants to do about it. He busts out his trusty “court” answer, which is essentially his response to every question someone asks him regarding Maci. Anyone else get the impression that Ryan doesn’t give a crap what happens, and just says “court” when he wants his parents to get off his back?

Meanwhile, Amber’s packing up for her move into the new house when Cousin Krystle comes in sporting a “IT WAS JAKE” T-shirt. I think she actually meant for it to say “IT WAS FAKE” as a way to tip off the ‘Teen Mom’ viewers who think that the girls are actually poor like they pretend to be. Or maybe it really was Jake. Who knows?

Amber’s upset about having separate parties for Leah and calls Gary to try to change his mind. Gary pulls a 180, saying he wants nothing to do with Amber. Amber wails “What are you talking about!?” I’d like to know the same thing. The relationship status of these two is harder to keep up with than Maci’s ever-changing hair color. Geez.

Gary  heads out to “do it up” with his pals at ‘da club.’ They go to Landsharks in Indianapolis (The Ashley knows this because she has been there. And is still mentally scarred from it.) He’s trolling for ladies in his best AERO T-shirt and has no trouble meeting some fine Indy gals, one of which happens to be named <what else?> Amber.

The next morning is Leah’s second birthday and Gary’s hurting after his Big Night Out. “Girls.Dance.Drank a lot,” he tells his friend of the night’s activities. Gary’s mother shows up and is pissed that Gary has done nothing to prepare for the party. Dishes are stacked up from the sink (no doubt Gar made himself some Chef Boyardee raviolis after his night’s excursions). Condoms are strewn about the floor (perhaps he brought one of the “Girls.Dance” chicks home with him?)

Gary heads out to run some errands while his mom tries to clean the mess, stringing a “Happy Birthday” sign over the trash heap (while Leah plays with a string of condoms). They all blow up some balloons that the find on the floor (wait, I hope those were balloons).

After the party, Amber picks up Leah to go to dinner. She is pissed that Gary went out the night before and feels that he should have “slowed his roll” and stayed in because it was Leah’s birthday. This is dumb because everyone knows Gary’s a playa and you can’t keep a playa down…or something.

Meanwhile, Farrah’s still trying to “train” puppy and has kept him locked in the cage. Even Little Sophia knows what’s happening to this poor dog is wrong and tries to tell her Aunt Ashley what’s going on behind the closed doors of Farrah’s Puppy Prison. She keeps trying to tell Ashley “Doggie! Doggie!” despite Farrah’s orders to hush up. Sophia even attempts to tell Deb of the poor pup’s plight by telling her “doggie!” when they go to her house.

Michael emerges from the bedroom with this defeated look on his face. Deb must have finally let him out of his cage. The girls head back to Farrah’s and Ashley asks Farrah if she got a dog. After denying it at first, Farrah finally admits that she did. Ashley tells her to be careful because Deb once sold Ashley’s dog back to the pet store because she didn’t want her to have it. I wonder if Deb ever tried to sell Farrah back to the hospital after she was born? If she didn’t, she should have.

Later, Deb shows up to Farrah’s house unexpectedly and we know that hi-jinks are about to ensue. Puppy is now wearing a diaper (poor, poor Puppy) and Deb discovers Farrah’s little secret and is told that the dog’s name is Candy, and Farrah says she named it after Deborah. (Wait, I’m sorry…what?)

Finally, the episode ends and we learn that next week Amber will be mean to her mother (a skill she surely learned from her castmate Farrah.)