It’s Week 4 of the second season of Teen Mom 2! Yes, The Ashley is aware that she missed Weeks 2 and 3, but that’s the way the Kieffer crumbles. Blame the Baby Jesus and all of the holiday crap for taking up my time and not allowing me to watch crappy TV.

Anyway, this week’s episode starts off with Jenelle, who has been allowed back in Casa de Barb because she’s cut Creepy Kieffer out of her life. She’s filed domestic violence charges against him for kicking a dent into her car and the whole “pushing into car” incident at the bowling alley two episodes ago, an event that, from this point on, will be refered to as “The Night the Change Cup Flew.”

Jenelle is scrambling to make up for all the time she farted away getting high and having sexy time in the park with Kieffer. She’s trying to catch up on her online classes, but tells Barbara that school isn’t going well because it’s “hard to focus when you don’t have a teacher in front of you.”

Yeah. That must be the reason you’re failing. It couldn’t possibly be that you were so busy getting “High! High!” with Kieffer that you haven’t cracked open a book for the last three months.  Our Babs is a smart lady and doesn’t buy Jenelle’s bullcrap. She says it’s because of Kieffa, who now apparently has a warrant out for his arrest due to the charges Jenelle pressed against him.

Barb points out that jail might be the best place for Kieffer. He’d learn his lesson and he’d be far away from Jenelle (and her MTV paycheck, which Barb is hoping to get her mitts on one of these days.)

Next we check in with Kail who is still getting settled into her new apartment. She goes to pick up her friend Stephanie and that’s when things get totally awkward. Stephanie (who speaks like she’s reading off of the cue cards that some MTV field producer wrote for her) gets in the car and asks Kail point blank if she’s doing the nasty with her boyfriend Jordan.

Hey, Steph, next time start off with a “hey, how’s it going?” or something instead of going right for the million dollar question. But, it’s only an hour show and Steph has to cut right to the chase. Kail tells her nosy friend that, yes, she is having sex with Jordan.  Steph is relentless and busts out yet another awkward (and totally scripted) question. “Well, are you having unprotected sex with Jordan?” she asks Kail. Who does that?!

Kail says that they are practicing safe sex but that she is considering getting on some other form of birth control because she often forgets to take the pill. Steph must have been out of inappropriate questions because that’s where Kail’s scene ends.

Next, we pick up with Chelsea‘s story line. She’s just had her knee surgery and is still relying on Adam to nurse her back to health and take care of Aubree. And by “take care of Aubree” I mean throw her across the room and call her a “little bastard.” Like clockwork, Adam and Chelsea get into a big fight and Adam leaves with Aubree (he’s probably going to take her to the Starbucks so he can pick up on other girls while Chelsea’s down for the count.)

Chelsea calls her dad, Randy, to complain about Adam’s behavior. Randy is so over this crap by this point that he doesn’t even try to sound remotely sympathetic for his daughter. He’s been telling Chelsea that Adam’s a crapgoblin for the last two years. After she tells him the crappy things that Adam has done, Randy quips “That’s your Prince Charming.” I can almost see him smirking through the phone as he says it. I think I kind of love Randy.

Finally, we check in with Leah who has to go get the results of Ali’s MRI and is upset to find out that Corey has to “work and stuff” and can’t take any more time off. She then asks her sister to go but unfortunately Sis can’t go either, as she has some learnin’ to do. Once Leah’s mom tells her that she is also unable to go, Leah is getting desperate and calls her Granny to see if she can come.

We’ve never seen Leah’s Granny on the show but I picture her looking like Granny from ‘The Beverly Hillbillies.’ (I wonder if Leah will have to strap her rocking chair to the top of her car?) Luckily, Granny is able to come along so Leah goes to pick her up. I’m disappointed to see that she looks nothing like ‘Beverly Hillbillies’ Granny. In fact, she’s a dead ringer for Leah’s mom, only slightly older. (But not by much. Granny looks to be about 55 max.) Still, I’m happy that Leah didn’t have to go to the doctor alone. The results end up being mostly positive, with Leah finding out that there’s nothing wrong with Ali’s brain. (Yay!)

Over in North Carolina, it’s Jenelle’s 19th birthday. Babs has suited up for the occasion and is sporting a sassy leopard print to match her sassy mood. She arrives in Jenelle’s bedroom with an armful of gifts and a jolly “Happy Buuurthday Juuuhnelle!” (If only this happened on my birthday, my life would be complete!)

Jenelle excitedly opens her first gift from Barb only to find out that she has received a can of Fix-a-Flat. (“For ya caaahr,” Barb cackles gleefully.) She can hardly contain her excitement as Jenelle unwraps her second gift: “jumpa cables!” I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: I f-ing love Barb. She always finds a way to get back at Jenelle for the crappy things she does to her.

Barb starts to reminisce about the day 19 years ago that she had Jenelle. I started to picture Babs with her feet up in the stirrups and that’s when I started to feel queasy. Can’t.Get.Picture.Out.Of.Head.

Speaking of stirrups, Kail heads to the gynecologist (that’s the “girl doctor” for you boys out there who have no idea what I’m talking about). She’s discussing birth control options with the doctor, who suggests that she get Mirena, which lasts for five years and he can insert that day. She decides to get it and the camera crew is hovering over Doctor Gyno as he places the IUD into Kail.

OK…I need to stop here for a sec. At first I was shouting, “Giiiirl, why are you doing this on TV!?” But then I thought about it and realized what Kail did was kind of cool actually. There are probably a lot of girls that were able to learn  about the birth control from watching Kail and it was actually kind of brave of her to do it on camera. Plus, after giving birth on camera, there’s probably not too much that can embarrass Kail at this point. Kudos to her for taking control of her sex life and not leaving her fertility “up to chance.”

Later, Kail tries to discuss the day’s events with Jordan. She’s throwing out words like “IUD” and “uterus” and “Nuva ring” and Jordan looks like his head is about to explode. She wants to have a responsible discussion about sex but Jordan looks like he’d rather be shot in the face than talk about this stuff.

Meanwhile, Chelsea is stuck without a ride to physical therapy (since Adam is still being a creepnugget and has essentially kidnapped Aubree and taken off). She calls her identical twin sister Emily to take her. Later, the physical therapist gets in a zinger when he asks Chelsea if her “husband” will be there to help out. Chelsea informs him that he’s not her husband and that he helps a little yada yada yada… You can see the physical therapist’s eyes start to roll back into his head as he wishes he hadn’t opened that can of worms.

After her therapy session, Chelsea is still trying to get in touch with Adam, who’s not answering his phone. Her sister tells her that this whole Adam saga is getting old. My thoughts exactly. I kind of wish I had Jenelle’s can of Fix-a-Flat to spray in my face right now to keep me awake during Chelsea’s segments.

Let’s just sum up the rest of Chelsea’s parts like this: Adam’s being a jerk. Chelsea’s upset about it. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Jenelle is just about to start some schoolwork when she gets a message from Kieffer on Facebook. He says he wants Jenelle to come pick him up so that they can talk about their relationship. Jenelle agrees and goes to the Japanese Steak House to pick up her stud. He’s sitting outside on the curb. I’m willing to forgive his “Flip Flops and Socks” combo only because he’s finally changed out of that damn green sweatshirt! He’s now sporting a swanky brown coat (it’s amazing what you can find in the ‘free’ pile of a garage sale!)

Kieffer gets into the car (I’m sure the employees of the steakhouse were just waiting for him to leave so that they could go hose off the spot where he was sitting on their curb. I’m sure he leaves a ring whenever he sits in one place for too long.) I can only imagine what Barb would have done had she seen Jenelle carting Kieffer around. She probably would have strangled Jenelle with those jumper cables. That would have made this episode mildly interesting….

Kieffer tells Jenelle that he didn’t assault her and that he doesn’t deserve to go to jail, but he is going to go turn himself in. He says that if he gets locked up, he doesn’t want any letters from Jenelle (however, he will accept cold hard cash.) He is trying to make her feel bad for pressing charges against him.

They go to the jail and Kieffer tells the lady on the intercom that he is there to turn himself in.  The lady tells him to have a seat and he tells her “Yes, sir.” I’m sure she appreciated that. Soon, it’s time for him to walk the long plank into jail, but he turns around to bid Jenelle farewell, whispering a soft “I love you” to her as he walks off into the sunset slammer.

Next week, it’s [last] Christmas on ‘Teen Mom 2!’ Clearly, Santa has fulfilled my Christmas wish of having Chelsea once again be forced to wear a wig to cover up her blond hair in scenes that MTV is too lazy to edit correctly. Ho ho hoooorible.

(Photos: MTV)