This week on The Bachelor, the gals and Ben head to Park City, Utah, for some peace, quiet and relaxation in the Great Outdoors. Of course we all know none of that will last. Thank the Lord because that would be boring as hell.

Speaking of “boring as hell,” Ben appears in one of his signature “Deep V” shirts to inform the girls that they will all be exploring the outdoors. The girls act excited but we all know that spending time clomping around the forest is pretty much the last thing these tricks want to do. Everyone knows that Lee Press-On Nails and cheap hair extensions don’t hold up well in the wilderness!

Chris Harrison reminds the girls that if they’re lucky enough to get some alone time with Ben, they should be careful not to waste it. He basically tells them that there should be no fiddle-farting around, and they should pretty much have their pants unzipped and ready to be dropped at a moment’s notice. (OK, he didn’t technically say that but I’m pretty sure that’s what he meant.)

Rachel is given the first one-on-one date with Ben. Kacie B. is devastated that she will have to watch her beloved go on a date with someone else. If only there was a way that you could date a guy without having to share him with 15 other women. Oh….wait.

Kacie says watching Ben and Rachel’s date is going to make her feel like throwing up. What a coincidence; that’s exactly how I feel too.

Ben and Rachel are whisked away via….wait for it….HELICOPTER! It took them five episodes but they were finally able to sneak one in there. I feel like I’ve just been reunited with an old friend; it’s really not ‘The Bachelor’ without a heli.

They canoe out to a remote location and start making out. Then it starts to get awkward fast. Ben brings up how looking into the sun is going to give them crow’s feet. Wow. When a man has to discuss potential facial wrinkles on a first date, you know he’s desperate. Rachel is an even bigger dud that Ben and literally has nothing interesting to say. However, whenever she does speak she sounds like she’s high as a kite. Am I right?

Over dinner, the conversation once again lags, and Ben keeps looking off to the side during dinner. It’s almost as if he’s willing the producers that are standing there off-camera to put an end to this date. Honestly, I think Ben had more chemistry with his sister than this broad!

Ben says that he is taking his relationship with Rachel the same way he took his relationship with Ashley: slow. I think that’s pretty much code for “I could give two sh*ts about her, but I’d bone her in the Fantasy Suite if need be.”

Shockingly, he ends up giving Rachel the rose and they share a kiss over the bonfire. Still, I’m pretty sure this chick’s not long for the road.

The next day, Ben picks up eight of the girls for the group date. Naturally, he does this on horseback. They show big, dramatic shots of him riding across the prairie and river on his way to Bachelor Manor and the girls are all gushing about how sexy Ben looks on the horse. Really? Really? However, he did almost eat crap and fall in the water, so it was worth watching the scene.

Anyway, he tells the girls that “he” has a fantastic date planned for them. First they will be horseback riding to a romantic stream. Next, they’ll strap on rubber waders and go fly fishing! Courtney looks like she’d rather take a fish hook to the eye than go on this date. She tells us that she’s going to turn this group date into her personal one-on-one. I just hope the producers confiscated all of the hooks and other assorted sharp objects from her before allowing her to go on this date.

Courtney says she’s determined to “reel” Ben in with her model charm. She is excited that Ben has “taken the bait” and gone off into a deserted part of the stream wit her. Seriously, if she uses one more fishing-related pun I’m going to jump through my TV and grab her by her “model” eyebrows and strangle her.

Meanwhile, the other girls are very upset that Ben has left with Courtney. Lindsey Lyndzi decides to take it upon herself to go fetch him, being that she is the token “outdoorsy” gal of the group. (She does ride horses, ya’ll!) She finds Courtney and Ben upstream and just stands there, staring creepily at them without saying much.

She gets really upset when Courtney manages to wrangle the first (and only?) fish of the day. She starts to freak out and The Ashley is praying that the cameras will be rolling when Lyndzi finally slips the fishing wire noose around Court’s long, slender model neck.

Courtney’s gloating to the other girls about her fish-catching abilities. (I’m sure she’s an old pro at “catching things,” if ya know what I mean! Thank the Baby Jesus for Valtrex!)

That night the girls and Ben head to (guess where?!) a hotel pool to chat over drinks. Ben has busted out his finest hoodies and flip flop combo for the occasion. He takes some of the girls aside to get in some one-on-one time.

During her special time, Nikki reveals that her boss passed away the week before she came to the show. She says this has caused her to start ‘living life to the fullest.’ Um, if going on a crappy TV show and letting millions of people watch you make an idiot of yourself as you fawn all over a man you hardly know is ‘living life to the fullest’ I guess I have a lot to learn. But whatever floats your boat, girl.

Samantha gets some alone time and tells Ben she’s upset that she hasn’t been chosen for a one-on-one date. She says she’s over the group dates and we get to see the first occurrence of Ben’s Pissy Attitude (Part 1 of 2 for today!) He basically tells her that if she would stop being such an immature whine-ass then maybe he’d want to spend some alone time with her. But probably not.

In fact, he decides that because she dared question The Will of Ben, it’s time for her to hit the bricks. He send her packing as she tearfully wonders aloud what she did wrong. Um, for starters, you went on ‘The Bachelor,’ numbnuts. The Pity Shuttle arrives to whisk her back to oblivion.

Afterwards, Ben takes Kacie B. to his hotel room (Oh heeey!) to tell her how much he likes her and that he hates that he can’t kiss her in front of the other girls. Can we just call Neil Lane now and get her a ring and end this season now? I’d really like my Monday nights back.

To prove that some of the other girls may have a shot against Kacie B., Ben takes Courtney for some a long time. While they’re snuggling in their bikinis (ew) Court tells Ben, “I really.like.you.I feel.so.strongly.for.you.” Good Lord girl. If you’re going to try to use this show to advance your acting/modeling career, you’re going to have to become a better actress than that! Still, Ben buys it hook, line and sinker (sorry, had to sneak one more fish pun in there!) She gets the date rose and madness ensues.

The next day, Redhead Jen is going on a one-on-one date with Ben. They head off for a hike and come upon a fenced-off area with a “No Trespassing” sign. Ben at first pretends like this is no part of the “script” and is like “hey, we should go check it out.” Like two minutes later he forgets that he is supposed to be acting like it’s not a planned part of the date and is like “this is where we are going to repel ourselves into a dark whole.” (I thought that only happened in the Fantasy Suite, no?)

Anyway, Jen doesn’t seem to thrilled with the date and who can blame her? Rachel got to tour Park City in a helicopter while she’s forced to jump into a swampy hole while being strapped to Ben. I’d be pissed too. Bennifer is slowly being lowered into the hole. After hanging over Middle Earth for a few minutes, they are dropped into the water which magically stops looking like sewer water and becomes an aqua blue paradise. Ahh, the power of special effects.

Later Ben and Jen take a ski lift to a campground to talk. Ben says he needs a girl that’s flexible. (Oh heeey!) It starts to pour and they get soaked. Getting my hair wet two time in one night while being filmed for national television is pretty much The Ashley’s nightmare, but Jen seems unfazed. Ben gives her the rose and they head over the hill to see what’s happening over there. Conveniently, there’s a Clay Walker concert taking place right there!

I love how all the people in the crowd are trying to act like they just “happened to be there” and don’t notice the guy and girl dancing on the elevated platform with the camera crew. Still, a few in the crowd realize that this will be their only shot at ever being on TV (except for that appearance they had on the show Cops back in 1999, of course.) They keep trying to sneak into the camera frame. One blond girl in particular is diligent about making sure her face appears in every shot.

Ben and Jen start to dance and the blond girl keeps bobbing her head next to them. They move, she moves. It’s kind of like Where’s Waldo if Waldo was a creepy 17-year-old fame-hungry blond girl. And he might be, who really knows?

Finally it’s time for the COCKtail party. Jen, Rachel and Courtney have roses but the other girls are freaking out because they don’t want to be the girl that’s let go at the end of the night. Emily (the girl who climbed the bridge last episode) decides that she needs to inform Ben that Courtney’s a terrible person and that he’s wrong for keeping her around.

This is when Ben’s Pissy Attitude Part 2 comes back. He basically tells Emily to mind her own beeswax and to get off his jock, unless she wants the Pity Shuttle to pull up to the door for her. Emily realizes she’s made a big mistake to question The Will of Ben and thinks this may have cost her everything. Dun dun dunnnnn!

Courtney and Emily proceed to get into a catfight. Well, actually what happens is that Emily starts off acting like she’s going to play all hard but as soon as Courtney calls her out for talking crap, Emily punks out and is like “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I hate when girls can’t back up their crap-talking.

It’s time to hand out the roses and we all know that if Emily’s going to get a rose, it will be saved until the end for more dramatic flare. Finally, it’s down to just Emily and Monicawho haven’t received roses. He gives Emily the rose and sends Monica on her way.

Next week: the gang heads to Puerto Rico (which Courtney informs us that she was just there two months ago. Because she’s a model.) Emily seems determined to “expose” Courtney’s creepiness while Courtney seems to determined to expose herself to Ben. And we have to see Ben’s bare bottom. I’ll make sure I watch next week’s episode on an empty stomach. Safety first!

(Photos: ABC)