It’s been a long time since The Ashley has sat down to do a Teen Mom 2 recap. Since it’s Super Bowl Sunday and there’s nothing good to watch on TV (The Ashley doesn’t do The Sports), she figured she might as well bust a recap out.

The episode starts in North Carolina, where Jenelle is still reeling from the big fight she had with her friend Tori. She says she’s still confused about what happened. That makes two of us. How did it go from Jenelle and Tori talking to them screaming and rolling around on the (disgusting) floor while Tori beat Jenelle with drumsticks? (And why the hell did Tori just happen to have drumsticks in her hand? Does she carry them around in a side pouch to be prepared for random assaults?)

Anyway, once again Jenelle shows up at Casa de Barb looking for a place to live. Although she hasn’t found a job yet (what with all the hair-pullin’ and Kieffer-lovin’ who has the time to look for a job?) she hopes that Barbara will let her come back home. Barb cackles about the fact that Jenelle has come crawling back, despite the fact that she was so adamant about leaving Barb’s abode.

Barbara peppers Jenelle with questions about what happened. “What about all ya furnitura?” Barb asks. I have no idea why she’s concerned about the fate of Jenelle’s couch. It’s probably covered in cigarette burns and probably has mildew stains from where Kieffer sat on it.

Over in Pennsylvania, Kail is surprised to hear that the child support hearing with Jo has been postponed and that until it’s rescheduled Jo will have to pony up the dough for Isaac. (Of course this shouldn’t be a problem for a big rap star like him, you know.) She goes to Jo’s house and he tells her that he would like to meet her boyfriend Jordan. Although she knows it will be super awkward, Kail agrees.

Later, she meets up with a friend who informs her that, according to The Twitter, Jo has a new girlfriend. At first Kail dismisses the new girl as “just another groupie” (how does this guy have groupies!?!) but is concerned that Jo will bring his music industry skanks around Isaac.

Meanwhile, Chelsea‘s been working at her tanning salon job for all of one week, which means one thing: it’s time to get a new car!! With help from her dad (of course) Chelsea purchases a new, shiny Jeep thing, to replace her new, shiny VW bug. Seriously, in my next life, I’m coming back as Chelsea! This chick gets everything!

Anyway, she finds out that the March of Dimes is coming to town to do a walk to raise money for premature babies and she decides she wants to do it. While it’s great that she’s raising money for a good cause, she really needs to consider starting a side pot and raising money to get her hair fixed. That mop on her head gets worse every single week! I miss the days of the brown wig.

Over in West Virginia, Leah and her friend head to the park to discuss what’s been going on between Leah and Corey. “So where was you last night?” Leah tells her that she were at her mom’s house. (I know it’s a regional thing but I just can’t take it when they say stuff like this! It drives me mad!)

Leah tells her friend that things have gotten really bad in the Simms’ marriage due to The Great Trailer Caper. Corey’s still not willing to move and Leah has her heart set on a new trailer. She wonders if the reason they can’t get along is because of her poor communication skills. (Well, you do confuse ‘was’ and ‘were’ quite a bit but I don’t think that would break up a marriage!)

Later, Corey and Leah go out and sit on the porch to discuss what’s been going on. Corey’s not willing to budge and is getting mad that Leah is all “hissy pissy” about it. He tells her that he thinks they rushed things, which devastates Leah, probably because she knows he’s right.

Meanwhile, Jenelle is off to meet with her super hot lawyer, Dustin, to discuss the drug and breaking and entering charges against her from last season. Hottie McLawyer tells her that he plans to make it so that Kieffer takes the fall for the charges, which Jenelle seems to like. At this point, what’s a few more charges for the Kieff-sta? Just throw them on the heap on top of all the other charges this knucklehead has collected.

She picks Kieffer up to take him to court, with a new friend named Marissa in tow. Marissa’s quite the treat: she’s rockin’ ripped jeans and wet, Nirvana groupie hair that’s straight out of 1995. (“Smells Like Teen Spirit,” y’all!)

Anyway, Kieffer’s all excited as he tells them that if he gets sent to jail, his lawyer will be “a monster” and appeal. Yes, I’m sure whatever creepy public defender the state of North Carolina decides to throw your way will be super concerned with getting a druggie homeless kid that smells like bologna and marijuana the best possible legal care that no money can buy.

They head into court and, since MTV cameras aren’t allowed inside, we have to wait in anticipation to see what happens to these creeps.

It’s girl’s night in for Chelsea and her friends. They’re making T-shirts to wear to the March of Dimes walk the next day and the conversation turns to—guess what—Chelsea’s relationship with Adam. The other girls start to tune her out (as they should) until she brings up the point that, except for one of them, all of her friends are teen moms.  She asks the other girls how many of them have husbands boyfriends, and is sad to learn that she is the only one without someone.

In West Virginia, Leah goes to see her mom, who tells her that they’ve found a new trailer for them and that Leah needs to decide ASAP if she is going to buy it or not. Leah’s at a crossroads, but has to tell Corey about the trailer. He’s less than thrilled that Leah went behind his back and sought out a new trailer and they start arguing again. He finally tells her that she can get the damn trailer if she wants it, so she calls her mom back to tell her to save it for her! (It is on wheels, it could get up and move, you know!)

Corey then drops a bomb on Leah, informing her that while she can get the trailer, he may or may not be moving with them. Leah understandably feels tricked by it all and it’s clear that these two can only squeeze out one or two more episodes of marriage before it all falls apart.

At Kail’s house, it’s time for the big meeting between Jordan and Jo. Jordan is especially nervous and doesn’t really want to meet Rappin’ Jo-Jo, which I can’t blame him for. Jo arrives and him and Jordan do a creepy handshake/man hug thing and it’s totally awkward. Even I’m blushing. Still, Jo handles it very well, acting very mature.

Once he verifies that Jordan does not do crack of any kind, he explains why he wanted to meet Jordan and things go off without a hitch, until the subject of Jo’s groupie/girlfriend is brought up. Although Jo denies having a new girlfriend, he does admit that he is seeing a special someone. I’ll bet she wears bootie shorts and pleather tube tops on the regular.

In North Carolina, the court sentences have been handed out and, surprisingly, Kieffer’s public defender has come through and managed to get him off scott-free. Jenelle’s not as lucky. Even though she’s had two of the charges thrown out, she receives probation for one of the charges.

Hottie McLawyer informs her that, due to the probation, she has to stay away from drugs and alcohol, as well as anyone that does drugs. Jenelle’s upset because that pretty much eliminates all of her friends. Looks like she’ll be spending the next 12 months playing Monopoly at night with Barb! (“Look! I just bought Paaaaark Place!”)

He also tells her that there will be no more getting High! High! with her crackpot posse, which includes Kieffer.Later, when Kieff and Jenelle pile into the car to go home (um, where’s Marissa? Did they drop her off at a Soul Asylum concert a little ways back?) Jenelle starts yelling that it’s not fair that Kieffer can smoke weed but she can’t.

Kieffer swears to f**kin’ God (yes, God hates Kieffer) that he’ll stop smoking pot if Jenelle has to but Jenelle is still beside herself knowing that she can no longer go “chill and smoke.” Instead of relaxing by smoking weed, why not go chill with your son and pop an anti-depressant like the rest of us?

Next week: Jo wants more visitation (and possibly Kail?!) Chelsea wants to get her GED, Leah still wants the damn trailer and Jenelle wants an MTV-funded trip to Cali for “rehab.” I want the hour back I spent watching this crappy episode!