The Top Twelve Thirteen guys performed last night on American Idol, all hoping desperately to win over America and snag enough votes to propel them into the Top 12. (Actually, you don’t get much for making the Top 12. Only the Top 10 makes the moola by going out on tour so that’s what really matters.)

Anyway, last night was pretty much a two-hour-long snoozefest. While there are some standouts that just chose an unfortunate (and nap-inducing) song, The Ashley wasn’t very impressed. Here’s how things went down last night:

Reed: “Moves Like Jagger”

Between his attempts at being sexy by creepily gyrating his hips and his open-mouthed drumming, Reed just plain scared me. He also reminded me of Animal from The Muppets and is one of those people I’d be scared to be in the same room with.

Adam Brock: “Think”

We get it. Adam’s a family man and a great guy. Guess what? No one cares. “Mr. White Chocolate” doesn’t have a prayer of making it far in this competition, simply because he has little to no star potential. I know that’s harsh but it’s true. He’s not a bad singer, but he’s extremely forgettable.

DeAndre: “Reasons”

Is it me or does this kid totally belong in one of those black-and-white Guess ads? Anyway, he chose to sing an Earth, Wind & Fire song. I know he probably thought he would sound sexy and exotic but that’s not how it came off. To me, he pretty much just screeched through two minutes of some creepy 1970s song. He did hit a few good notes, so that, combined with his good looks, may scoot him through to the new round.

Colton: “Decode”

Colton is not my favorite, but I’ve got to give the kid props for being smart enough to sing a song from ‘Twilight.’ Pure.Freaking.Brilliance. If you can get the 14-year-old Twi-hard generation on your side, you’ll be sitting pretty. What’s not pretty? His skunk hair. Needs.to.go.

Jeremy: “Gravity”

The “Spirit Stick” of the group is not a bad singer, but he’s not someone you’d remember. (See? You’re trying to figure out who the hell I’m talking about aren’t you? I’ll give you a hint; Jeremy’s the big kid that works at the infectious disease clinic!) He seems like a nice guy, but I think he’ll be back to passing out SARS mask very shortly.

Aaron: “Never Can Say Goodbye”

I love this guy and I hope he can make it through. I think he has a lot up his sleeve and will do great things if he can manage to snag some votes. He was the first guy of the night that deserved a spot in the Top 12.

Chase: Some Boring Country Song

Enjoy your train ride back to West Virginia, kid. Yee-haw!

Creighton: “True Colors”

Creighton is a strange bird, but he at least breathes some life into the competition. He chose to sing one of The Ashley’s favorite Cyndi Lauper songs so she is a bit prejudice. I believe he did well enough to move into the next round….but please, for God sakes, lose the combat boots. Or at least tie them next time.

Phillip Phillips: “In the Air Tonight”

Phil is a big fan of changing up songs, which makes The Ashley a big fan of Phil. He slowed down the Phil Collins classic and really stood out. There’s no way in hell that he’s going home, and rightfully so. Plus his last name and first name are nearly identical, which I always get a kick out of!

Eben: “Set Fire to the Rain”

Tell me which genius told the kid with the high-pitched voice that it would be a good idea to choose a song that was originally sung by one of the industry’ richest voices? The whole thing was a hot mess that I can only describe in four words: Junior High Talent Show.

Heejun: “Angels”

First of all, can we please bring Heejun’s mother onto the show so that she can dance in the beginning of every episode? I could care less how this guy sings. He needs to stay on for comic relief. Every time he comes on my screen I smile and clap like a zombie. I will never “talk a lot of craps” on Heejun.

Joshua: aka “Mantasia”

I can’t remember what he sang but I know he did well. Joshua is by far one of the best singers in the competition; however I’m worried that his “every man” look and personality will not allow him to stick out in the crowd. He deserves a spot in the Top 12.

After the 12 guys performed, Ryan revealed that it was “Gentle Giant” Jermaine Jones that would be brought back for another shot at making it to the Top 12. Jermaine sang “Dance With My Father,” and softened his super-deep baritone voice a bit. He’s not my favorite but I voted for him because I think it would suck for him to go home right after he was brought back.

My Predictions:

Going Through: Colton, Heejun, Phillip

Going Home: Adam, Jeremy, Eben, Chase

Going to Be A Close Call: Aaron, Creighton, DeAndre, Joshua, Jermaine, Reed

The girls perform tonight! I hope they are more exciting than the guys or I may slip into a coma!