It may have been Memorial Day, but Emily‘s “Quest for Love” doesn’t take any days off! This was great news for The Ashley, who is definitely not cool enough to be invited to a holiday barbecue, thus, was stuck at home watching crappy TV!
The episode starts at Emily’s palace house, with her mom serving her breakfast in bed while Emily prepares to start her day. What? Your mama doesn’t do that for you? Yeah…mine either.
Downstairs, Chris Harrison tells the men that two of them will get one-on-one dates, a few will get no date, and the rest will be lumped together for the weird group date, which is actually just a bunch of dudes just trying to bang the same chick at the same time.
The first one-on-one date goes to Chris. His card reads “Love is a steady climb.” Seriously, must these people always climb up something. Someone must have told one of the producers once that scaling a wall or repelling down a mountain brings people together. They need to get some new date ideas, because watching people crawl up crap is getting old, no?
Anyway, Emily and Chris begin to climb up the wall and Emily starts to freak out. This doesn’t surprise me, as she seems like more of an “indoor girl” to me (i.e. high-maintenance chick who wouldn’t want to snap off one of her French-tipped nails). Down below, a crowd is forming on the street (most of which are probably just waiting to see if either of them splat to the ground. You always want to be first in line to loot the bodies for stuff to sell on eBay!)
They manage to make it to the top of the roof and Chris wants to kiss Emily but chickens out, swapping a kiss out for a super-cool high-five at the last minute. Chicks dig that….
Later they head to dinner, where Emily tells Chris that if she saw him in a bar she probably wouldn’t talk to him. She quickly realizes how crappy that sounded and tries to cover her butt by saying she wouldn’t talk to him because he’s so cute that she’d be too nervous. Um, nice try, but the damage has been done. Welcome to the friend zone, Chris.
Chris, realizing that he’s on thin ice, begins to lay the whole “I wanna be your kid’s dad” stuff on real thick, telling Emily that he’s ready to have a family, blah blah blah. It works and Emily gives him the rose, as well as a private Luke Bryan concert. Luke serenades them with a song about his “Sneakers Going Boom Boom” (or some crap like that…do people really listen to this stuff?)
Despite the fact that by this time a huge crowd has formed, all of which are pointing their iPhone cameras at them, Emily tells Chris that she feels like it’s just the two of them. Eventually the crowd of creepers join in and dance with them, creating a pseudo-hoedown of sorts. Yeehaw, y’all!
The next day, Emily heads off to meet her gang of guys for the group orgie date. After greeting the guys, Emily mysteriously disappears…I smell a hi-jink hatching (or maybe that’s just the giant egg that one guy’s holding, I don’t know).
Emily meets up with her “best friends” who are at the park. They giggle as they show Emily that she’s made the morning news. But, you know, she’s just a normal mom like you and I. Emily tells her friends that she wants them to grill the guys to find out more about them. The guys approach the Mom Squad, only to be told that these non-MILFs are going to basically try to make them look like ass-wipes on national television.
During the grillings, it’s obvious that a few men are standing out above the others, particuarly the single dads. Things start getting creepy when some of the women can’t control their hormones (they must have forgotten to take their estrogen pills or something). Soon they’re asking some of the guys to take off their shirts and do sexy dances for them.
One of the cougars particularly likes Sean. She’s swooning as he shows off his abs and busts out his Jesus talk. She might as well just throw her panties on his face at this point. It’s really awkward and embarrassing for everyone…especially me.
Once the men are put through the Ring of Cougar, Emily releases a stampede of snotty kids to attack them. (How did the casting notice for this scene read? Wanted: Young Children to Play With Men in Park. Must Not Be Creeped Out By Men With Eggs…Inquire Within.)
The guys are all playing with the kids and acting like they enjoy being Mr. Mom, but we know that most of them are just putting up with these snot-nosed brats in hopes that it will earn them a little tongue hockey time with Emily later that night.
Meanwhile, Ryan uses the moment to sneak over to Emily and her friends. Almost immediately, he tells Emily that, basically, if she gets fat, don’t expect to get any lovin’ from him. I just can’t imagine why this dude is still single. Emily’s friends (particularly the Indian one that wears too much eyeshadow) look like they want to break his skull right then and there.
Later, Emily and the boys go to dinner, where Emily tries to spend one-on-one time with some the guys. Doug busts out a story of his foster-home-and-dead-dad childhood, while Sean ensures Emily that he has been training all of his life to be a father to somebody else’s kid. I’m pretty sure the other guys should just go home at this point; these two have it in the bag.
Tony, one of the single dads, is having a hard time being away from his son. He goes outside to call his son, but that just makes him more emotional. Doug (bless his heart) goes out to try to convince Tony to stay because “it’s only 9 weeks.” (Um…that’s kind of a long time to be away from your kid, isn’t it?)
Tony says he wishes he could be with his son. Well, if you just stop trying to bone Emily and hop on a plane, you can be, Tony. Let’s just make an eHarmony account and forget all this reality TV nonsense, shall we?
We all know that Tony has no shot whatsoever with Emily, and eventually Emily admits that too, telling Tony that he should go home and be with his son since she doesn’t see a future with him. Tony slunks away, sad that he never got to bone “the pretty lady” but happy to be heading back to his kid. The night ends with Sean getting the date rose.
The next one-on-one date goes to Ari. Emily picks him up in a limo and private-jets him over to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, home of Dollywood! (A quick note: Ironically, The Ashley had planned to go to Dollywood for Memorial Day weekend, but her travel plans got changed. Not only did I miss out on going to Dollywood, but I also had to watch these two creeps get to enjoy it. Not.Fair.At.All.)
Anyway, they go into a theater and Dolly Parton herself shows up to serenade the couple. Emily’s beside herself because she, like The Ashley, idolizes Dolly. (I’m pretty sure I’d pee myself if I was there, and then have to be physically removed from the building because I’d creep Dolly out.)
She sings them a song and Ari starts to try to dance with Emily…who looks like she had forgotten he was even there. Dolly kind of stole his thunder.
Later, at dinner, we learn that Ari has already done baby-daddy duty with his last girlfriend, and is A-Ok with climbing back into the mini-van. He says he feels a real connection with Emily and can see himself proposing to her one day. (Hopefully that day comes sometime in the next nine weeks!)
The next day is the rose ceremony. The producers drag Emily’s daughter, Ricki, into the bathroom to help Emily get ready, in an attempt to show what a hands-on mom Emily really is. Suuuure.
Emily arrives at the cocktail party and pulls Kalon aside to talk. He becomes an insta-douche, telling her he was upset that he didn’t get a date. He keeps interrupting her and tells her that he doesn’t really want a kid that’s not his own. Emily tries to contribute to the conversation, only to have him basically tell her to shut her trap and let him talk. You can tell that no one has ever told Princess Emily anything like that, and she’s pissed.
She later goes to talk to Alessandro, who doesn’t do much better in the sucking up department. He says he doesn’t have a lot of experience with kids (but wait…he does have a fantastic niece…although her name escapes him at the moment). He then tells Emily that he sees her daughter as a compromise, instead of a “bonus.”
In case you’re wondering, that statement translates to “I’ll put up with your kid if it means I get to bone you on the regular.” Charming.
Emily marches him right out the door without even a word of goodbye. She’s had a rough night, so goes over to Ari to be consoled.
Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony, and Chris tells us that only one guy will be getting the boot, since Tony and Alessandro have already caught the train to Forever Lonely-ville. She gives out the roses using her special “rose ceremony” whisper voice. By the time she reaches the last rose, she’s barely audible. She lets go of Stevie, the DJ/MC/Jersey extraordinaire. He’s devastated, but should look on the bright side. Maybe he can lead the YMCA dance at Emily’s future wedding?
Next week, the gang heads to Bermuda for tropical escapades, a man fight and more douche-a-rific quotes, courtesy of Ryan.
(Photos: ABC)
