Note from The Ashley: Yes, this recap is super-late. I have a broken arm. Anyone who complains can go play in traffic. That is all.

This week on The Bachelorette, Emily and her gang of suitors headed to Croatia to continue her quest to find love. (Fun fact for those of you that are geographically impaired: Croatia is in Europe!)

Anyway, apparently the Croatians don’t have too many fun activities for the kiddies, as Emily’s daughter, Ricky, got shipped back to the States and will not be in tow for this episode. (Bummer. I’m totally going to miss the mandatory mother/daughter fun scenes that they usually show at the beginning of each episode. I’m totally lying, by the way.)

As soon as the men have settled in to their Croatian digs, Emily arrives to drop off the first one-on-one date card for Travis, the Southern man with the big heart…and an even larger noggin. (Seriously, that man’s head is huge!)

Travis and Emily head to the old city to do what all American tourists that are being followed by a large camera and production crew do: look at crap made out of clay, speak English to non-English-speaking locals and try the native gelato. ( I have no idea what those gelato flavors were called but I’m almost certain the one Emily got was called “Penguin.” They do it very differently over there in eastern Europe, apparently.)

After balancing on some wall and busting out some horrific white people dance moves, Emily and Travis stroll through the streets and head to a romantic candlelight dinner.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, some of the men start to talk crap on Travis, stating that he doesn’t have a chance of winning Princess Emily’s heart. Mind you, Ryan is doing this while wearing a woman’s Hanes Her Way tank top. Seriously. Seriously?! Don’t talk crap on other guys if you’re wearing a shirt you stole out of your sister’s closet. That should be a law.

Anyway, back on the date, the time has come for Emily to decide if ol’ Trav will get the rose, or just a cab ride to the airport. She tells him that while they have a “great friendship foundation” (uh-oh…) she just doesn’t feel romantical towards him and can’t give him the rose. Travis looks crushed, and Emily does her best to contort her face so that she, too, looks crushed.

Travis is sent out into the rainy night, with nothing but an umbrella to shield him and his broken heart from the cruel elements. He tells us that he has a head heart so big and it hurts that he can’t find someone to love. To further exemplify his frustration, he throws his umbrella to the ground and walks out into the night. And….scene!

The next day is the group date. I can hardly wait to see what ridiculous activity Emily plans to subject these poor guys to. Emily tells them that they are going to take a trip to the movies, an activity she enjoys at home. Naturally, a regular old theater won’t do for Princess Emily. Instead, they’ve rented out a ginormous theater filled with red velvet seats and and antique balconies.

The producers getting big bucks to plug this crappy movie Emily decides that she wants to watch the new kiddie movie “Brave,” despite the fact that Ricky is nowhere to be seen. The guys all try to act like they love watching this crap. (Contractual obligations can be a bitch, huh, guys?) Seriously, I’d rather jab multiple forks into my eyes than watch this movie, so I know they’re all miserable.

After the movie, Em decides that these men haven’t suffered enough for her liking. No sir; she makes them dress up in Scottish kilts (in Croatia, as you do) and compete in a series of creepy games, just like they did in the creepy movie! Emily says that the men doing things like this helps her to know which one is right for her. I don’t get how having a bunch of guys dress up like Catholic school girls and throw crap around a field is going to help you figure out which one should be your husband. Maybe it’s just me though.

The men are paraded out on donkeys to make them look even more like asses–pun intended. First, they shoot bows and arrows, and Chris does terrible. Next, they toss giant logs across a field. I’m praying that one of those logs somehow crashes through my TV screen and knocks me unconscious…no such luck. Poor Chris does terrible once again.

After a few more games, Em announces that she will be handing out the Bravery Cup to one “special” guy. It goes to Chris, who managed to suck at everything he attempted. I guess in this weird Croatia/Scotland hybrid state, they give out “Bravery Cups” instead of sportsmanship awards. Either way, it’s just a really nice way of saying “We feel bad for you. Here’s a prize.”

After spending a few moments with Chris, Emily tells us that she doesn’t need big muscles to make her happy. (Nope; a big bank account will serve her just fine!)

Later, the men ditch their skirts to go have dinner with Emily in a Croatian castle. Ari once again apologizes for not telling Emily about the whole Kalon/kiddie baggage thing. Seriously? We’re still talking about this?! Ari’s no fool; he uses that line and then proceeds to tongue-bathe Emily for a while in an alley.

She then goes to speak with Jef[f]. He’s very sweet, but for some reason he seems so much younger than her. It almost feels like Emily could be his stepmom or something, no? Anyway, Jef[f] is the first of the guys to tell us that he is “falling in love with Emily.” Chris then tells Emily that he also “could fall in love with her.”

Chris ends up getting the group date rose (wow, rose and Bravery Cup in one day?!) He then busts out the mandatory, “I’m ready to take our relationship to the next level” line.I think if you bust out the “I’m falling for you” line you pretty much have to follow it up with some sort of remark about taking it to the next level. It’s just kind of in the rules, I think.

The next day is Emily’s one-on-one date with Ryan. He’s actually put a real shirt over his girlie tank for the occasion. I don’t really understand how this knucklehead is still around. It’s clear that Emily despises him and his lame pick-up lines. He’s touchy-feely, annoying and keeps putting his big ol’ mug in her face. I think that Emily hates him, yet kind of wants to bone him for some reason, which is why he’s still around.

They go oyster fishing, and after sampling some raw oysters Emily heaves over the side of the boat. (She claims it’s from eating the raw fish; however, I’m pretty sure it was in response to Ryan’s cornball lines.)

Later, at dinner, Ryan mentions that Em would make the perfect trophy wife for him. Emily pretends that she is bothered by this statement, but we all know that her two goals in life are to marry rich and look pretty. (See: definition of trophy wife). To make matters worse, Emily’s all dressed up like a giant Oscar award (or Diana Ross and the Supremes, same difference). Ryan tells her not to dress like a trophy if she doesn’t want to be one. Ouch.

Ryan then busts out a list he’s prepared that includes the 12 qualities he’d like his wife to have. He only reveals a few of the qualities, but I can pretty much fill in the other ones, judging by Ryan’s character up until this point. Guaranteed at least three of the qualities he listed just say “Big boobies.”

However, Em is less than impressed by his list. (Had he included “Have a boatload of kids” on it maybe she would have felt differently?) She is so unimpressed by his list that she tells him to hit the bricks, and take his list with him. Ryan is stunned, and honestly he looks like he might hit her. He pleads his case, and is basically in disbelief that Emily rejected him. (Show her your undershirt! That will make her swoon!)

Luckily, Emily stays strong and sends him packing. I’m glad she did this; we all know Ryan would cheat on her in a few months if she picked him. He’s the kind of guy that likes the chase, not the relationship.

In the pity limo, Ryan tells us that he doubts Em will ever find love, and that he’s sure the other guys will be upset to see him go home since they’re all so close. (Cue footage of the other guys high-fiving and whooping it up as they learn Ryan got the boot.) He says he hopes the editors won’t make him look like an arrogant ass. No, Ry, you managed to do that all on your own!

That night, after Ryan’s been sent on his way, Emily goes back to her hotel room, only to have Ari show up unexpectedly. How convenient that she’s still in full makeup and dress and the cameras just happen to be there. It would have been so much better if Ari had arrived and caught Emily wearing her Ziggy sleep T-shirt and retainer! They make out on her bed and she gives him the rose meant for Ryan…but shhh don’t tell the others!

The next night is the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Em is considering sending John (the pink-pants-wearing mute that goes by “Wolf”) and Doug (the emotional single father) home. John must have sensed that he was on the wire because during his time with Emily, he busts out his dead grandparents’ funeral cards and cries a little. When in doubt, always bring up dead Granny. It gets ’em every time!

Later, Emily speaks with Doug, basically telling him to sack up and make a move or he’s getting the boot. He puts his arm around her waist and trembles the entire time.

Let’s speed this up: at the rose ceremony, Em has only one rose left and can’t decide between John and Doug so she has Chris Harrison fetch her another rose. Yay! Everyone stays. Why the hell did I just sit through two hours of this crap?

Next week, we’re off to Prague, where we will learn about Ari’s little tryst with a producer of the show.

Until next week!

(Photos: ABC)

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