Gather ’round, kiddies! The Ashley has finally gotten off her lazy ass and taken the time to do another Teen Mom recap. After realizing that there are only six episodes left of this crappy/wonderful show, The Ashley figured it was time to squeeze all the recap goodness out of it that she can.

Anyway, this episode was a snoozefest, except for a few little nuggets of goodness. We start off with Farrah who is still hosting her mother, Debra, at her house in Florida. After last week’s brutal Chinese restaurant screaming match between Farrah and her sister, Ashley, and Deb, Farrah says that she is now trying to make an effort to get along with her mother.

In fact, she’s even allowed Deb to remove the ridiculous Wal-Mart Halloween clearance aisle wig that the sisters required her to wear throughout the entire episode last week. She’s even allowing Deb to watch Sophia again, despite telling her she was banned from babysitting after the whole “scar the dog for life by painting it with nail polish” incident.

Farrah needs a babysitter because she’s going on a date with a guy named Daniel. I must stop here and inform y’all that I will not be able to be an impartial recapper when it comes to discussing Farrah and Daniel’s relationship, mainly because Daniel is my buddy. I have no idea what satanic edits MTV will impose on him, but I will tell you that he is awesome (way too awesome for Farrah), and that she treated him like crap. I told him he needs to make a T-shirt that says “I Survived Hurricane Farrah.” OK, anyway, moving forward…

Daniel arrives to pick Farrah up for their date, and I’m not sure how he resists laughing at the two strange feather things hanging from the sides of her head. They look like deflated alien antennae. They head to a restaurant and order a ginormous ice cream sundae and Farrah drops the ‘bomb’ on him that she’s got a kid. Being that Daniel had an entire camera crew following him and this chick around for a show called ‘Teen Mom,’ this probably didn’t come as a shock, but they made Daniel act surprised anyway.

He tells Farrah that he wants to move back to his hometown of Austin someday, and Farrah decides that he should take her there someday so they can ride cows. I just….can’t.

Meanwhile, in the cow-riding hills of Tennessee, Maci is attempting to take Bentley to pre-school, but the kid ain’t having none of it. He’s screaming and crying, “Nooooo!’ Geez, kid, it’s just pre-school. It’s not like they’re making you go live with Farrah or something. If that was the case, I’d understand.

Anyway, they arrive at the pre-school and Bentley is lured into the play room with the promise of apple juice and Goldfish crackers. (Not going to lie; that’s the way to lure The Ashley somewhere also. However, you have to put a little a lot of vodka in my juice.)

Over in Michigan, Catelynn is enjoying a Butch-free environment after his unfortunate forced departure from the trailer park last week. The trailer park owner (who I’m sure is named Gus and wears a T-shirt with a necktie on it everyday) has deemed Butch too dangerous to stay there, due to his extensive criminal record. (Ok, you know you are a true social degenerate when Gus doesn’t even want you around. )

Let there be no confusion though; Butch was not kicked out of The Park due to a drinking problem, as the trailer park guy said. No, sir, Butch “ain’t no juicehead!” He prefers cocaine. And marijuana. Get it right or pay the price! I literally LOL’d when Butch got downright offended that someone would mistake him for a drunk rather than a druggie. The.Nerve.

Butch doesn’t have much but his identity as a drug user (and a fab rat tail) to go on, so when someone tries to take that away, Butchie gets pissed!

Anyway, after properly fumigating “the Butch” out of the trailer, Cate and Ty invite some friends over. Tyler says he is happy that his father is gone, although one of their friends looks downright shattered when she learns Butch is no longer inhabiting the trailer.

“Butch isn’t here no more?” she asks. I can’t blame the girl though. You can’t give someone the promise of possibly catching a glimpse of the Mullet Wonder walking around in his tank and Jorts, and then take it away. It’s just not fair.

They talk about school and how Catelynn is dragging her ass on getting her financial aid/school stuff in line. Ty calls her out on her laziness, and then their friends leave and they head to bed. (Um, why are they still fully clothed? Perhaps Butch sold their entire stock of PJs for drug money, which is why they have to sleep in their jeans? Ew.) They should call Amber; we know she has no lack of PJ pants lying around!

Speaking of Amber, she’s still in rehab (and, not surprisingly, still in PJ pants). Her mother, Tonya, has gone to Amber’s house in Indiana to remove the drug paraphernalia tidy up a bit. During a therapy session with her counselor, Amber reveals that she wants to get her driver’s license, go to school and find a new house to live in with Leah and Gary. 

Gary is currently looking for a new house because his lease is up. He’s also stressing about how he will be able to handle the “new” Amber and worries that he won’t be able to compete with all of the therapists she has in California.

Meanwhile, it’s Deb’s last day in the Sunshine State, so she, Farrah and Sophia head to dinner, where Deb tries to get some dirt about Farrah’s date with Daniel. She wants to know if he has manners, or if he acts like he was raised in a barn. Farrah rolls her eyes and tells her “moooooom” that Daniel was very nice, not competitive (?) and was on his best behavior.

The next day, Deb has to leave Farrah-ville to go back to Iowa, and Farrah drives her to the airport. (She even let Deb ride in the passenger cab this time instead of in the trunk! Baby steps, baby steps….) Later, Farrah gets a text from Daniel and the two make plans to go out again.

Meanwhile, Maci is getting an earful from Ryan because she dropped Bentley off at pre-school a little late…like seven hours late to be exact. Although all the other kids arrived at school at 8 a.m., Bentley didn’t come strolling in until about 3 p.m., and Ryan is upset. Maci later tells Kyle that Ryan shouldn’t be talking, since he doesn’t have a job and doesn’t go to school.

Um…not to be a buzzkill here, Mace, but can’t the same be said about your beau, Kyle? He’s currently unemployed and I don’t recall seeing any Trigonometry books stacked up on Ky’s desk at any point. In fact, if my memory serves me correctly, you have been sans job since Season 1, no? Let’s get off our high horse a bit, shall we?

Anyway, Ryan calls Maci later to inform her that he got “stuck” on the way home (a.k.a got caught up boning his hot blond girlfriend) and is unable to pick up Bentley from pre-school, so Maci and Kyle will have to fetch him.  All appears to have gone well at daycare and Bentley talks about all the fun stuff he did that day as he gets into the car.

Let’s pause here for a second and talk about that car. So either Maci or Kyle drives a freaking Mercedes Benz (with some really ugly red rims, just for the record). Um, none of you people have jobs! How can you afford a Benz?! MTV should at least have a beat-up 1992 Volvo on-hand for the cast members to use on camera so it at least looks like these girls are like real teen moms and broke.

Anyway, over in Michigan, Cate’s feeling overwhelmed by all of her college prep duties, so she calls her mother April to come over and help her. Ah, yes. Enlist the help of April, because she surely knows all the inner workings of the collegiate system. She rips open a fresh pack of Virginia Slims and sits down to discuss financial aid with Cate. She also starts mysteriously shaking. I’m sure it’s just that she’s coming off of a caffeine high. Sure, we’ll go with that…

Cate shouldn’t even bother filling out all those pesky financial aid forms. All she needs to do is attach a photo of April and Butch to the paperwork. (A recent snapshot, or, you know, their most current mugshots, should work.) No financial institution would deny her money for college if they see the two degenerates she’s been calling parents for the last 10 years. (Not to mention she has this money to use for college. I haven’t seen any new body parts appear on Catelynn recently, which tells me there’s still a good chance she hasn’t spent it.)

While April and Cate are figuring out all of the school stuff, Tyler takes his mom, Kim, to the hair salon to update the curly mullet/manny ‘do she’s been rocking since Reagan was in office. Ty wants his mom to grow out her poodle-like locks and brighten the color. The stylists goes to work, sandblasting through the two decades worth of bad perms Kim has gotten. While her hair is cooking, Tyler tells Kim that he is bothered by Cate’s lack of interest in school and Kim encourages him to discuss it with Cate.

Meanwhile, Amber’s preparing to leave rehab and is worried how she will deal with all the jerks that try to bring her down in Indiana, especially her former friends and boyfriends. The therapist starts running her mouth about “passing storms” and “center grounds” and what not, and Amber’s eyes begin to close, as do mine. The next day, she packs up and leaves rehab, arriving at the Indianapolis airport and being greeted by her mom. (MTV did a great job of hiding all the paparazzi who were also there that day to “welcome” Amber back home!)

Anyway, Amber arrives to a clean home, thanks to her mother. Tonya explains that she has done all of the laundry, paid all the bills and stocked the fridge, all things that Amber probably has no clue how to do on her own. She probably just sprays a little Febreeze on herself every day and hopes for the best.

In Florida, it’s time for Farrah to go out with Daniel on a second date. She ditches Sophia at a neighbor’s house and meets up with Daniel. They head over to some random guy’s backyard to ride horses. They head out on the trail, and Farrah tells Daniel that she wants to kiss him while on the horses, but the horses aren’t cooperating. Hey, man, they tried to help you out but you wouldn’t listen.

In Michigan, Kim arrives at the trailer to show Catelynn her wicked new ‘do, which, for the record, looks amazing compared to the mop she’s been sporting for the last four seasons of ‘Teen Mom.’ Perhaps MTV finally shelled a little cash her way for all of her hard work on the show? After Kim leaves to go strut her stuff, Tyler once again brings up the fact that Catelynn is still not signed up for college. She’s getting annoyed with his nagging, and finally calls the school to set up an appointment.

She later calls Tyler “Mr. Father,” which is a nickname I hope doesn’t stick once they get into the bedroom, because that’s just creepy.

That’s it, kids! Until next week!