Put away your self-worth and sit your crappy-TV-loving ass on the couch because it’s Bachelor Pad time! We are zooming through these episodes because, frankly, the craptastic summer television season is almost over and ABC needs this time slot for shows that actually have redeeming value. Just kidding; they’re probably just going to put yet another hideous season of Dancing With the Stars on and act like people still care about that show.

But anyway, this week’s episode starts off with Rachel walking in absolutely heartbroken after her boo, Michael, was ripped out of her arms and eliminated from the show by a spiteful (and overly Botoxed) Erica Rose.

She’s seriously crying hysterically and saying that she can’t go on. Um…let’s take it down a notch, Jackie O. Your husband didn’t just get shot. Some dude you met like ten days ago on a crappy reality show got voted off and now you’re sad you can’t bone. Let’s keep everything in perspective here.

Anyway, Rachel is mourning and all the girls that are currently pretending to be her friend are upstairs trying to console her. She says she was “falling in love” and hadn’t “felt this way in a very long time.” Um, you mean like four months? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure you said the exact same thing about Bachelor Ben when he booted your ass from his show a few months back? Just sayin’….

Later, Chris Harrison shows up to inform the Chlamydia Crew that everything is about to change. (Dun Dun Dun!!!) From now on, they will be playing as couples. Luckily, everyone in the house has someone that they are currently banging so figuring out who’s going to be partnered with who isn’t too difficult. Poor Nick is stuck with Widow Rachel as his partner. (That’s what he gets for being mute the entire time he’s been on this show!)

The next morning the Bang Bus (aka some random school bus they rented/stole) arrives to cart the gang over to a nearby school. (Uh-oh…someone frisk Ed to make sure he didn’t attempt to smuggle a bottle of Captain Morgan in his plaid shorts. Schools don’t appreciate when derelicts bring their liquor and hi-jinks onto the grounds of a learning institution!)

They find out that they will be participating as couples in a spelling bee. Oh dear Lord. I think if you added up the high school GPAs of all of these goons, it might add up to about .009…and I’m being rather generous. This should be a complete train wreck.

Chris H. wheels out the judges for the competition, who just happen to be three of the top spellers in California. The ‘Padders all make fun of the kids because they look dorky. Really, guys, is that such a good idea? Chances are when these kids get into high school, they’re going to be your Team Leader at the Taco Bell. Let’s not hurt our chances of getting promoted to drive-thru window!

The competition begins and, soon, the whole auditorium is just soaked in idiot. The first words are very easy (“love” anyone?) but as soon as they move into the five-letters-or-more range, everyone is misspelling words so badly that even Auto Correct would have no clue what they were attempting to spell. Kalon and Lyndzi go out first (but what do you expect? Poor Lyndzi grew up with that ridiculously misspelled name. She never had a chance!)

Chris Harrison tells everyone not to get cocky, because the words are about to get a whole lot tougher. Whooooa….hold on! Tougher than “engagement ring?” I find that hard to believe!

The increased difficulty of words pretty much knocks out everyone else, leaving only Jaclyn and Ed, and Chris and Sarah. (Who would have thought that Old Miley was good at spelling? Or anything, for that matter!)  Everyone is on the edge of their seats to see if Ed and Jaclyn can manage to out-spell Chris and Sarah. Since everyone hates Chris and Sarah, they definitely don’t want them to win immunity. Not going to lie…I’d totally watch a weekly one-hour show that consisted only of these idiots attempting to spell words. It’d be ratings gold!

Unfortunately, as per usual, Ed makes a ridiculous spelling mistake and ruins the challenge for them. I swear, this man is the “Gilligan” of this show. Chris and Sarah finally manage to spell a freaking word right, and win the challenge, much to the dismay of Blakeley and the gang. Naturally, Blakeley has to be all dramatic and is crying like she just had to watch her parents be shot by a firing squad or something. Really?!

Chris and Sarah get to go out on an overnight date and also win immunity. Ed and Jaclyn will also get to go on a date for coming in second. Sarah and Chris leave for their date, while Tony consoles Blakeley, who is blaming herself for losing the challenge. (Buck up, girl. Spelling ain’t easy, considering you likely didn’t even pass the 9^th grade.)

Sarah and Chris are picked up by private plane and taken to a vineyard of sorts, where a train is waiting for them. The train has “Disneyland” written on its side. I know Disney owns ABC, but honestly, I’m sure poor Walt Disney is doing barrel rolls in his grave because his name is attached to this crap. Poor, poor Walt.

Anyway, they go on a picnic and, before long, they are stripping down to take a dip in the lake. I’m sure they had some sort of ‘quickie’ while treading water, but I’d rather not know because, well, I’d like to keep my lunch digested, thank you very much.

Back at the house, everyone’s tense because the plan to vote out Chris and Sarah has been foiled by them winning immunity. Rachel’s still blubbering about losing Michael and her poor partner, Nick, is just trying to keep her from losing it and getting them both voted out. Rachel keeps saying, “it’s not worth the money” to be separated from Michael, and Nick looks frantic. (Hey, that $125,000 was his only shot at getting a decent hairdo and some clothes that don’t look like they came from a “Margaritaville” music video shoot! I’d be frantic too!)

Jaclyn, Blakeley and Rachel are girl-talking about how sad and lonely Rachel is without Michael. She says that she’s lucky to have her two closest friends here to back her up. Um…weren’t you all three talking crap on each other like two weeks ago? WTF!

They’re scheming to get Kalon and Lyndzi voted out and they seal their plan with some sort of creepy-fellatio-like handshake/kiss thing. I’m sure they learned that in [Call] Girl Scouts.

Back on the date, it’s time for Sarah and Chris to have dinner/bone in a barn. Sarah says this is the best night of her life. To be fair, this barn is probably nicer than the sleazy motels Sarah usually frequents with her gentlemen callers. Sadly, I’m not really even being sarcastic.

The next day is Ed and Jaclyn’s date. Sarah, fresh from her literal “roll in the hay” with Chris and bearing quite the slutty glow, tells us that she feels bad for Jaclyn because she’s obviously in love with Ed and he has no interest in her, except for banging purposes, and told everyone in the house about it.

They arrive at the airport and see a private plane waiting for them. (It must be the same one they used for Sarah and Chris. I hope they at least cleaned the self-tanner stains and used condoms off the seats before they put Ed and Jaclyn in it!)

They fly over to some mysterious island in California and spread a blanket out on the cliff to have a picnic and a chat. Of course, the conversation quickly turns to what Ed said about not being serious about Jaclyn in front of the rest of the group. Ed just starts rambling about how there’s a girl at home, but now there’s not a girl at home, but that he still likes her, but he likes Jaclyn but also doesn’t like her…and…it’s nice to sleep in the same bed because it makes them better teammates…and…can we still bone…?” Oh, Ed. Just stop now before she throws you off the cliff.

Later, they head to dinner where Jaclyn is upset that Ed’s been giving her mixed signals about whether or not he wants to be “more than friends” with her. Basically, Ed’s fine with having sex with her, but when they go out in public she has to be his “secret girlfriend.” (Um…are we in third grade here? No, seriously, are we?)

He’s desperately trying to find a way to keep Jaclyn from making him be her boyfriend, but also still getting action from her. He busts out the, “Who needs a label?” and hopes that it will simmer Jaclyn down with all this relationship talk. It doesn’t. She’s really upset, and tells us that despite this, she’s still going to go diddle Ed because, frankly, she “can’t live without him.”

The next day they return home with roses and everyone perks up, knowing that they’ll have to give the roses out to someone else in the group. Everyone starts sucking up to them in hopes that they’ll give them roses and immunity. They legit make every couple “plead their case” as to why they deserve the rose. It’s like a really bad, slutty version of Judge Judy.

When it’s Kalon and Lyndzi’s turn, Lyndzi isn’t playing around.

“I’m your bitch,” she tells them, promising to basically be their eternal slave if they give her and Kalon the roses. Being Ed’s slave wouldn’t be so bad, actually. You’d probably just have to make him a lot of cocktails and go get him food when he has the munchies at 2 a.m. There are worse jobs!

Anyway, in the end, they give the roses to Blakeley and Tony. Nick appears to be devastated by this. He also appears to be severely sunburned. (Why does this dude always look like he just spent like two weeks on a desert island? Seriously…take a shower and get a moisturizer!)

Mercifully, it’s finally time for the rose ceremony. Everyone has to vote as a couple. Rachel (who magically sprouted about four inches of hair since we last saw her) tells us that she is going to try to figure out where Nick’s head is at in terms of the vote. However, Nick is more interested in the appetizers he’s found at the snack-treat table than talking to his partner. (Who can focus on voting when there are cocktail weenies! Come on!)

I’m going to speed this up a bit: basically, Nick pisses off everyone, and Rachel goes and calls Michael (is that allowed?!) to get his take on the craziness. Finally all the couples have voted, and it’s time for Chris Harrison to announce which couple will be taking the one-way train back to Obsolete Land.

I’ll save you the suspense: Kalon and Lyndzi get the boot. They make them leave the mansion in separate limos for dramatic purposes but, of course, Kalon decides to pull an “Ames” and dash over and get into Lyndzi’s limo. They drive off into the night together. If only the abandoned limo would “accidentally” go in reverse and plow over all the rest of these knuckleheads, my prayers would truly be answered.

Next week, the competition is down to four couples and the game will once again change. There will also be some sort of God-awful performance challenge that will make me want to throw up/murder myself.

Until next week!