Hold on to your condoms and tequila shooters! Tonight’s Bachelor Pad finale is promised to be “The Most Shocking ‘Bachelor Pad’ Episode. EVER.” Now, normally, I would poke fun at how they use this tired line to describe pretty much every single episode of any of their shows. (Except for Ben’s season of ‘The Bachelor.’ Everyone knows that season sucked.) Tonight, I must say that I can’t mock those responsible for this tagline, because, indeed, this was the most shocking episode I’ve ever seen. It was so good that it (almost) made all the time I wasted watching this crap all summer worth it!

We start off at the “live” (and by “live” I mean taped two weeks ago) ‘Bachelor Pad’ reunion. They’ve rounded up all the rejects from this season, even the guy and the girl that got the hook the first episode and no one remembers. They’re all wheeled out and introduced one-by-one. It’s no surprise that the blond two-headed twin monster got next to no love from the audience, while Michael Stagliano basically had a stack of Hanes Her Ways piled up in front of him. (Obviously, the cougars love them some Stag!)

It’s here that we also get our first glimpse of Jamie, who has apparently become some sort of weird, Cyndi Lauper/fortune teller hybrid since we last saw her. Seriously, girl. W.T.F are you wearing? More on that fashion catastrophe later.

Anyway, after a brief recap of the season (which I can sum up for you very easily: Blakeley crying, Chris scheming, fake boobs bouncing, Ed drinking), Chris Harrison asks the gang questions about their time on The ‘Pad. He also wants to know where some of the couples’ relationships stand today.

Kalon and Lyndzi say that they’re still together and going strong! Everyone coos at how romantical it all is. Everyone but Erica Rose, that is. She decides to rain on Kalon’s p*ssy parade and inform the group (and Lyndzi) that Kalon has been out all over town, caressing the thighs of Houston’s well-to-do skanks! Lyndzi’s toothy grin immediately fades, and she looks absolutely crestfallen and stunned. Kalon looks like he wants to grab Erica’s stupid gavel and bludgeon her to death with it. (I’ve always said, what this show needs is the occasional good bludgeoning to spice it up!)

After a quick commercial break (in which Kalon likely had to be physically restrained in order to prevent him from murdering Erica), Chris Harrison calls Michael up to the hot seat. They talk about how Michael said he came into the ‘Pad looking for love, and eventually found Rachel.

Unfortunately for Rachel, things didn’t end up all Blake-and-Holly for her and Michael. He tells Chris that, while he had a great time hanging out and, you know, sleeping with Rachel during the show, after they left The ‘Pad, he had moved on. According to Jaclyn, Rachel is still completely devastated over the loss of Michael.

Speaking of Jaclyn (and I try not to), she’s next to take her turn in the Harrison Hot Seat. We look back on her journey on the show ,which is basically just her macking down with Ed the whole time. (Gotta make momma proud!)

Afterwards, Jaclyn said that she could totally taste the $250,000 (not to mention Ed’s man juices, most likely), until Rachel foiled her whole plan and sent her and Ed packing on the last episode. She says that Rachel sending her home was an “unforgivable” act of BFF-dom and that she’s still angry.

I know I’m going to catch a lot of crap for saying this, but I just have to add that a quick trip to Erica Rose’s plastic surgeon father wouldn’t be such a bad thing for Jaclyn. Just sayin’…shut up, you know you were thinking that too!

Anyway, Blakeley is the next ‘Padder called up. We’re forced to relive all of her drama with Chris. (Not to mention every HO-rrible neon/sequined frock she sported during this season.) We also get to watch the progression of “Blony.” (Or “Takely?” I can’t think of a good combo name for this couple…good thing we won’t care about them after tonight!)

Blakeley tells Chris how wonderful Tony is, and Tony is just beaming. All of this happiness must have been overwhelming to Chris Harrison, because he decides to smut the place up a bit. He pulls a Jerry Springer and asks Blakeley why she doesn’t like Jamie. The Lee Pressed-On claws come out as Blakeley says she wants to make it clear that she and Jamie are not friends. At all. She and Jamie start bickering back and forth.

Finally, Jaclyn gets into the act and starts calling Jamie fake. Then Jamie calls Jaclyn fake. Then Blakeley calls Jamie fake. I’m about ready to fake my own death. Seriously? What the hell am I watching?!

Let me clarify: all of you people are fake. Seriously, there’s more fake hair and body parts on this set than in the Halloween aisle of Party City.

Speaking of Halloween, I just need to stop here for a minute and touch on the horror show that is Jamie’s outfit. Seriously what the eff are you wearing?! The sparkling headband, the creepy stick-on star earrings she has around her eyes and the earrings….I just…can’t.

Anyway, Blakeley goes back to gushing about her relationship with Tony. He joins her onstage as she tells us that they’re in love, and <surprise!> moving in together! (This actually already happened. You can read about that here.)

Tony has something up his sleeve to spice up the evening even further. He tells Blakeley that he’s madly in love with her and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. The whole time he’s blabbering on, Blakeley’s looking around the room in a panic. It’s almost as if she’s expecting Ashton Kutcher to come out and yell “Punked!”  and steal all the happiness she’s been waiting the past 47 years for.

Luckily, Tony ain’t playing. He gets down on one knee, with a stunning Neil Lane diamond in tow (naturally), and asks Blakeley to be his wife. Everyone’s shocked, and soon, the entire gang gathers around the happy couple to wish them congratulations. At this point, I was thinking that this was likely the “shocking” thing they had been promising, and the rest of the night was going to be pretty ho-hum from here on out.

Um…no. Read on.

Chris Harrison brings out the final two couples: Chris and Sarah and Rachel and Nick. Instead of talking about the actual game, however, Rachel starts right in on her former boo, Michael, saying that he played her and led her on. Obviously, she was expecting him to be the one holding the Neil Lane sparkler, and is rather devastated that she’s been dumped. Geez, she lost the best friend and the boyfriend. At least she still has a chance at the money….right?

Michael explains that he had no intention of leading Rachel on, despite the fact that they got down at the local Marriott just weeks ago. We also find out that Michael’s been seeing some other broad in Chicago, which just rubs even more salt into Rachel’s wound. Oh no he didn’t!

By this point, Rachel’s basically just a puddle of tears, but she has to collect herself because it’s about time for the rejects to vote on a winner. Her partner, Nick, tells us that he managed to stay out of the drama and play a clean game, unlike his opponent, Chris, who figuratively–and physically—screwed just about everybody in the house. Chris tells us that his family was very embarrassed and disappointed in his actions on the show. (I’m guessing that means they aren’t going to have a “Welcome Home” dinner for ol’ Chris at that creepy Polish restaurant he took Emily to!)

After a commercial break, Chris opens up the room for questions, and, of course, Jaclyn’s the first one to open her trap. She asks Rachel why she didn’t respect their BFF-dom more and Rachel apologizes profusely. Something tells me that they’ll be posting pics on Twitter together by the end of the night. #Besties

It’s mercifully time for the vote. The rejects all write down which couple they’d like to see make it to the finals. The votes are revealed and Rachel and Nick beat Chris and Sarah 8-to-3. Chris and Sarah slunk off stage to go bone away their sorrows, while Nick and Rachel prepare for the final round.

They must each decide if they’d like to keep all the money for themselves, or share it with their partner. If they both vote “share” then the money’s split 50/50. If one of them votes “share” and the other votes “keep,” the greedy bastard that voted “keep” gets it all. If both of them get greedy and vote “keep,” neither of them get the money and it’s instead split among all the losers. Got all that?

Nick and Rachel are escorted to separate quarters, where they are told to stare dramatically at each of the options. They pick up the “keep” sign, then put it down and fondle the “share” sign. It’s all very dramatic and important.

Finally, it’s time for the big reveal. My fingers are crossed that a) one of these knuckleheads keeps it all for themselves or b) Sarah screams “I’m pregnant with Chris’ rat-baby!” right before the decision is announced. Those are pretty much the only things that can save this terrible season.

Rachel goes first. She tells us she’s decided to share the money because, “You can’t win without a partner!” Now it’s Nick’s turn to reveal his choice. He starts his speech, saying that it’s ironic that no one ever expected him to be sitting there at the end, since he never really spoke or got into the drama.

Anyway, he says that no one really liked him the whole time he was in the house. In fact, even his partner Rachel didn’t want to be with him and constantly threatened to go home to mourn Michael, which, of course, would have caused him to have to go home too. He said that he basically got to this point all on his own.

With that, Nick rips off the cover of his sign to reveal that he is keeping every last cent of that money for himself, baby!

Holy sweet mother of chlamydia!!

Rachel is sitting there, literally stunned. Her mouth is just hanging open as she realizes she just lost $125,000 at the hands of a guy that hasn’t changed his hairstyle since 1991. The entire group of ‘Padders, as well as the audience is shocked, and Rachel finally manages to peep out that she thinks Nick is “disgusting.”

Nick could give two sh*ts what Rachel thinks. He’s so proud of himself for sticking it to Rachel, and all the rest of these tarty people who didn’t give him the time of day!

Rachel insists that she did in fact care for Nick. (Um, you’ve already lost the money, honey. Let’s not grovel). She tells him that she could have “tooken” (um?) herself out of the race a bunch of times but stayed because of him. (Riiight.) She also tells Nick that he’s a schmuck.

Nick agrees, telling her, “Yup. A schmuck with $250,000!”

In.The.Face.

Nick is officially my favorite ‘Bachelor’ contestant ever.

After a commercial break, Chris asks the gang what they think of Nick’s decision. Kalon tells him that he has underestimated Nick the whole time. 

Rachel is still beside herself. Luckily, they leave five minutes or so after the taping “ends” so that they can capture Rachel running after Nick backstage and screaming at him “off camera” (but also on camera). She demands that he get his “sorry ass out here” and explain to her why he didn’t give her the money. Um, I’m pretty sure he just spent the last 15 minutes explaining that. You, and everyone else, were a crapgoblin to him the entire season, and he basically just stuck it to you.

Here’s The Ashley’s take on this whole situation: Nick knew that the ‘Bachelor’ producers weren’t going to be knocking on his beach hut door any time soon to do any more shows. (In fact, I still can’t figure out how he squeaked him way onto this one!) He knew this was his one shot to step out from the shadows in the ‘Bachelor’ world, all while cashing in on a huge pay day. Who could blame him?

Let this be a lesson kiddies…it’s always the quiet ones that are the most dangerous!

Nick scurries out of the studio with his cash money (which is stuffed into some sort of gym bag, apparently?) Rachel is left speechless and broke.

Hey, look on the bright side. You can probably get Blakeley’s old job at the Hooters!

Until next summer, ‘Padders!

Wanna read my other recaps from this season of ‘Bachelor Pad?’ Click here!

(Photos: ABC, Twitter)