Well, kids, we’ve made it to week two of Teen Mom 2 Season 3! The good news is that all of the children are still alive (even Jace!) and none of the moms are currently in jail. This is quite the achievement, actually. We should probably throw some sort of party to celebrate. I’ll bring the crackers and Cheese Whiz! DJ Rappin’ Jo can spin his tunes and Barbara can lead the group in doing the Macarena!

OK, The Ashley‘s having way too much fun picturing this. Anyway, this week’s episode is called “Keeping Hope Alive,” although it should be called “Keeping Dope Supplied,” because that’s essentially what MTV is doing by paying Jenelle to be on this show.

The episode starts in Leah‘s trailer of broken dreams. Leah gets an email from her lawyer that’s dated May 20, 2011. (Wanna see what The Ashley was writing about around that time? Click here!) As you can see, MTV got right on this. It only took them 18 months to get this crap edited and on the air. Seriously, Jenelle could have popped out two more grandkids for Babs to take care of in that time frame! Get with it guys!

Anyway, the email states that Leah will have to meet Corey in mediation to discuss custody of the twins. She calls her mom and realizes that this means the marriage is really over, despite the fact that she’s not ready to end things with Corey.

Over in Pennsylvania, Kail is still reeling from being rejected by DJ Rappin’ Jo last week. She’s upset that Jo told her he’s “not tryin’ to settle down with no female.” (And here I was thinking that people only say things like that on Maury. Go figure!)

Her friend Kim, who’s been away at college, comes to visit and Kail fills her in on the recent Jo/Jordan shenanigans, admitting that she’d like to get back with Jordan at the end of the summer.

Since it’s been almost five months since Kail has talked to her mom, Smirnoff Suzi, Kail decides to call up Mommy Dearest and see what she’s up to. Her call goes straight to voicemail. Kail doesn’t give it much thought; probably assuming that her mom didn’t answer because she’s sleeping off the 75 Tequila Sunrises she downed at whatever seedy trashpit bar she frequents. She vows to try her again later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s time to catch up with Chelsea, who is sporting some horrendous bleach blond curls for this episode. Seriously, her hair looks like Top Ramen. Chelsea tells us that she got into a fight with her manager at work and now she is thinking of quitting her job. (Her manager probably told her to fix her wig because it was scaring the customers!)

Just then, Adam arrives with a gift for Chelsea, whose birthday is the following day. Chelsea opens the gift, only to find a diamond ring at the bottom of the bag. Adam tells her it’s a “promise” ring, and that he promises to stick around until he finds some other chick to bang forever. Chelsea gleefully accepts the ring.

At that exact moment, little Aubrey starts crying and attempts to throw her body in between her parents to stop this ring madness. Seriously, the kid is still wearing Pull-Ups but even she can see that this whole “promise ring” caper is just ridiculous.

Later, Chelsea meets up with her friend Erica to discuss the situation with Adam. She then tells her friend that she’s “so over” the whole work thing. I mean, who wants to clean sweaty tanning beds for minimum wage, anyway? Apparently, Chelsea’s manager called her “irresponsible” after pulling a no call/no show. (Hey, she would have come in but that was the day she spent texting “Call me…maybe?” to Adam over and over again. That takes time people!)

Finally after listening to these two muppets yammer on for seemingly hours, it’s finally time to take a trip to Barb Town! Jenelle is petrified that she’s going to fail her upcoming drug test after slipping up last week and smoking the weed. To calm her nerves, she decides to buy herself (wait for it) a new car! (What? Isn’t that what you do when you’re stressed?!)

She tells us that her other car “broke down” but I think it’s safe to assume it’s being used by Kieffer and his crusty cronies as a crack house/one-star motel.  After buying the new car, Jenelle picks up her trusty stoner friend, Marissa, so that they can go to “school.” I’m sorry, but I’m not buying this. There’s no way this Marissa chick is in college. No.Way. I’m not even sure she’d be able to make it through Green Eggs and Ham by the way she speaks.

Just then, Jenelle’s lawyer calls. (He sure does have perfect timing, doesn’t he? It’s almost as if he had some sort of producer or something calling him and letting him know when he should call and remind Jenelle not to be a f*ck up. Oh, wait…)

Anyway, the lawyer warns Jenelle to be careful, because her probation officer is just dying to catch her doing something so that she can send her to jail. Marissa, being the wonderful friend (and overall stellar citizen) that she is, tells Jenelle not to worry because if she goes to jail, she’ll bail her out, as usual. Wow.

Back in Pennsylvania, DJ Rappin’ Jo has taken his music video galpal, Vee, out for a romantical dinner at the local pizzeria. Jo’s sporting his finest sideways ball cap for the occasion and Vee is positively swooning. She’s flipping her over-processed hair all over the damn place and giggling up a storm. 

Meanwhile, Jenelle’s in a downright panic about failing her upcoming drug test. Desperate to come up with a scheme to get herself out of this mess, she decides to come clean to Babs about her “paaaartying.” Babs is disappointed to hear that Jenelle has fallen off the wagon, but doesn’t want her to go to jail so she tries to help her think of a way to pass her drug test.

Suddenly, a light goes off in Jenelle’s pot-smoke-filled head! She remembers seeing some sort of magic potion at the tobacco shop that helps you piss clean for drug tests! Jenelle’s worried because, by taking it, she’s not sure what she’ll be putting in her body. (Um, girl, you’ve literally had every controlled substance known to man, not to mention Kieffer’s crusty ding-a-ling, in your body at some point or another, I hardly think a little detox cocktail could do much more damage!)

Babs supports her plan, but also reminds her that she needs to start thinking about Jace (who, during this entire conversation, has calmly pushed a plastic container across the room, placed himself in it and, from what I can tell, is attempting to bury himself alive in his toys in an attempt to escape these two nutbags. I honestly can’t say I blame the kid.)

Meanwhile, it’s Chelsea’s birthday so she heads to South Dee-ko-tah Mary’s house to collect her loot and show off her new ring. She also informs her mother that she has quit her job because her manager was mean to her and hurt her feelings. Seriously. Seriously?!

Later, Chelsea’s friend Erica arrives at Chelsea’s place to pick her up to go to her father Randy’s house for dinner. (Gotta love how the camera keeps flashing on a sign hanging on Chelsea’s wall that reads “Keep Calm and Drink Wine.” Um, happy 20th birthday Chelsea. At least try to hide the fact that you guzzle wine on the regular from the cameras.

Over in West Virginia, Leah’s catching up with her friend, Kayla. Even though they live together, it’s been a while since Leah’s seen her friend because Kayla’s been staying at her boyfriend’s place. Something tells me that we’ll be seeing Kayla pop out her own baby some time in Season 4.

Anyway, Leah says she has finally accepted that her marriage to Corey is over, even though she doesn’t want to get divorced. The next day, she and Corey head to their mediation to work out who will get custody of the twins. After the meeting, they stick around to chat, and Corey says that he didn’t want to get a divorce. Ok…hold up a sec. If Corey didn’t want a divorce, and Leah didn’t want a divorce, who the hell wanted the divorce? <Cough> MTV. <Cough> Divorce is ratings gold, y’all!

Later, the girls discuss a rumor they heard that Corey’s been dating other girls. Leah decides to sleuth it up and hacks into his email account and, sure enough, finds tons of emails between Corey and some slut puppy who he’s apparently already gone on a few dates with!

Kayla says that this whole scenario reminds her of the “old” Corey that used to be quite the ladies’ man in high school. (Um, it must have been slim pickins’ for the ladies of Hicksville High. Just sayin…)

Leah decides to call Corey and confront him about his slut puppies. Corey admits that he’s been talking to other girls, which makes Leah even more upset.

Meanwhile, it’s finally time for Jenelle to take her drug test. She takes the magic detox potion, but apparently it tastes worse than one of Barb’s burned dough boys, and is making Jenelle sick to her stomach. She arrives at the parole office (which, strangely, looks just like Leah’s trailer) and the cameras turn off while she goes in to take her test. She comes out sobbing, so we can deduce that she has not passed her test.

I, for one, am shocked that the detox potion didn’t work. I mean, relying on a packet of crap that you purchased for $1.99 at a smoke shop seemed like a fool-proof plan to me! Jenelle calls Babs to break the bad news. She says that her parole officer will be “violating her” on Friday. Something tells me that if she goes to jail, Jenelle better get used to people violating her, if you know what I mean!

Later, Jenelle meets with her lawyer to discuss her options. The lawyer tells her that one of two things will happen: either she will face 45 days in jail for violating her probation or she will have her probation extended. Jenelle says she’s not really into the whole probation thing, since she just wants her freedom and would rather just go to jail. (I’m sorry, are we in the Twilight Zone here or something? Since when does going to jail give you more freedom?!)

She suddenly turns into a crying heap of hot mess, and her lawyer looks downright frightened. Jenelle says that she’s got to put her son on hold right now because, you know, she’s got other sh*t to deal with. Yes, like engagements and boob jobs. Those things take up a lot of time guys! Besides, Jace is probably still in that plastic container so he’s probably safe, right?

Afterwards, Jenelle and Babs meet up in a park to discuss what happened. (What is with these people and parks?! I literally go to a park like, once, a year. Not these people– they’re taping scenes in the park every single day! I mean, I understand when Kieffer’s on the show because, you know, he lives in the park, but what’s everyone else’s excuse?!)

Anyway, Barb walks up to Jenelle’s car to talk, but Jenelle refuses to let her in. (Meanwhile, poor Jace is left to wander around the playground by himself, begging strangers to kidnap him.) The chat quickly turns into an argument and Jenelle speeds off, sobbing.

The episode ends with Kail and Jordan meeting at (wait for it…) a park to discuss the possibility of them getting back together. They end up smooching, and Kail’s story ends on a happy note.

Next week: Randy and Adam get in a fight, Kail gets pissed off at Jo and Vee, Jenelle gets thrown in the clink and Corey and Leah finally get a divorce!

Did you miss last week’s recap? Catch up here!

(Photos: MTV)