Oh heeeey! Lookie here! It’s a Teen Mom 2 recap from The Ashley! Pigs must be flying outside your window! In case you haven’t noticed, The Ashley took a few weeks off from the joys of recapping. She’s not just being lazy (for once); she’s actually working on a super secret—but completely awesome—-project that she will be announcing very shortly! (You guys are going to love it like Jenelle loves Ke$ha, I promise!)

Anyway, this episode of ‘Teen Mom 2’ sucked. It was ridiculously boring, and although it did feature the occasional Barbara scene, it was pretty much a snoozefest. Therefore, The Ashley can’t be held accountable if this recap sucks. Now that we’ve gotten those disclaimers out of the way, on with the show!

We start things off with Chelsea who is busy studying for the GED getting her nails done. Her mother and Aubree (and the MTV camera crew) accompany her on her mani/pedi sesh. Before she even picks out a color for her nails, Chelsea is already bringing up Adam. While Chelsea’s mom looks genuinely interested in the conversation, the poor Asian woman doing her nails looks like she’d rather be doing shots of nail polish remover than deal with these twits. And, really, who could blame her?

Anyway, Chelsea tells her mom that she’s probably going to quit going to therapy. (Wait, Chelsea’s quitting something?! I’m shocked.) Mary thinks that it’s a good idea for Chelsea to stay in therapy. She also thinks it’s a good idea to run the “required on-camera conversation” gauntlet and bring up Chelsea’s status with Adam and her status on her GED. Same conversation, different day. I’d honestly rather watch the nail lady file nails for an hour than listen to Chelsea harp on about Adam for one more second. Groooooan.

Over in North Carolina, Jenelle has managed to avoid getting “High! High” for a few weeks now (I guess that sobriety pact with Tori really worked!) However, things aren’t exactly all happy thoughts and doughboys over at Barbara’s house. In fact, Jenelle tells her mom that they are living in “an unstable environment!” (Two points for using fancy rehab lingo in a sentence!)

Babs, in her classic cackle, retorts with “Bullsh*t, Juh-nelle!” Well, if that doesn’t warm your heart for the holidays, I don’t know what will. Babs appears to be in a “mood” this episode. Perhaps she’s down to her last can of Fix-a-Flat. (We all knows she huffs the crap out of those things to erase the pain of having a “bitch of daughter” like Jenelle!)

After a fight with Babs, Jenelle runs to her boooooyfriend‘s house and announces that she’d like to move out. Luckily, her new boyfriend, Josh, knows of a lady that’s looking for a roommate…and it’s his mother. (Nope, nothing strange about that at all! I mean, they’ve been together almost a month now, it’s about time she moved in with his mother!)

Does that mean there’s going to be a room available at Casa de Barb? If so, sign me up! I picture us drinking wine late into the night and talking about her life as a “paaaaarty gahl.” Jenelle doesn’t know how good she had it!

Anyway, Jenelle tells Josh that MTV she can afford to pay about $500-$700 a month, which is more than enough to cover one-third of the rent. He shows his new roomie around (I love how he doesn’t even ask his mother if it’s OK that his convicted-felon-with-a-kid-and-a-TV-show girlfriend can move in!) Still, Jenelle isn’t sure if she should move into Josh’s house; after all, she has to make sure it’s the right kind of environment to bring Jace into. (Hahaha, yeah, I know. I got quite a chuckle out of that one too!)

In Kail‘s neck of the woods, things aren’t going too well. She heads to a local restaurant with her friend Gigi to discuss how crappy things have been for her lately. Her relationships with Jo and Jordan are over, and her mother, Smirnoff Suzi, has pretty much gone missing in action. (I’d check all the local seedy divebars first if I were on the hunt for Suzi. I’m sure we’d find her slumped over a barstool at one of them, with her Tasmanian Devil undies hanging out of her lowrider jeans. As you do.)

Anyway, Kail’s feeling lonely, and uses the table settings to demonstrate to her friend just how isolated she is. She tells her friend that she wants to go to Texas to see her cousin Kaylee, in hopes of feeling less alone. Her friend says she “thinks” she’s really proud of her for making that decision. Whatever the hell that means.

Speaking of family, it’s a big day for Leah, as she’s taking her new boyfriend Jeremy over to meet her family. Leah’s excited, and, although Jeremy says he “ain’t got nuthin’ to be nervous about,” he really looks like he’s about to pee into his cowboy boots as he pulls up to Leah’s parents’ house. Leah takes him in and introduces him to her ma, pa and sis. He also gets to meet Leah’s never-before-seen brother Isaac, who basically just gives Jeremy the death stare the second he sets foot in their house.

What follows is literally one of the most awkward (and poorly recreated) scenes ever to take place on ‘Teen Mom 2.’ The parents proceed to ask Jeremy a bunch of questions, to which he answers with odd, single word answers. (All while brother Isaac continues to give him the stink eye.)

Leah’s mom makes sure to mention the fact that Leah has two babies at home. (I guess up until this point, Jeremy must have thought Leah’s kids were just her very short aunts that never went home or something.) Jeremy assures Leah’s mom that he’s cool with the kids’ menu way of life.

Next it’s time for Pa to take Jeremy ’round back and give him a firm talkin’ to. He tells him that he doesn’t want a guy around Leah that’s fixin’ to leave her after a little while. (I know they don’t really talk like this, but it makes it more fun for The Ashley, so just go with it.) Meanwhile, the women chat about Jeremy. Leah asks her mom what she thinks of her new beau, and her mother tells her, “He seems pretty decent.” With that glowing recommendation, Leah is excited to continue her new relationship with Jeremy.

Back in North Carolina, Jenelle is still stumped on whether or not she should move in with Josh so she meets up with her pal, Amber, to talk over her options. The place they meet up at is called the Flying Pig. Allegedly it’s a restaurant, but I’m pretty sure it’s actually just a dirty trailer with an oversized hot plate and a nasty-ass patio. Apparently, Amber was so hungry that she just couldn’t wait to sink her rotting teeth into a big slice of Flying Pig pizza. She does, however, offer Jenelle part of the pie when she arrives.

After talking it over with Amber, Jenelle decides that the most mature decision would be to move in with her boyfriend. Later, Jenelle takes Barbara out for a fancy dinner at the “din-ah” to inform her that she will no longer need to mooch off of her because she’s planning to move in with Josh. Babs is doing her best to control herself and not tell her daughter that she’s batsh*t crazy for moving in with a guy she barely knows. I’m so proud of Barb. She doesn’t even lose her cool when Jenelle tells her that she’ll need her help moving her stuff into Josh’s house. You’ve come a long way, Barbie.

Barb even agrees to help Jenelle move her stuff. (Let’s be honest though; she’d probably be willing to strap Mount Everest to her back and move it if it meant not having to deal with Jenelle’s crap every day.)

Over in West Virginia, the awkward meet-ups continue, as Leah takes Jeremy to meet Corey. Apparently, they have a few mutual friends and have met each other before, but that doesn’t make things any less awkward for anyone involved. They both grunt a few things to each other and are on their way.

Later, Corey heads to his dad’s house to talk about his encounter with Leah and Jeremy. He tells his dad that he’s not sure it was a good decision to get a divorce from Leah. (Well, at least they really thought about it and didn’t rush that decision…oh, wait.)

That night, he must still be pining for Leah, because he sends her a text message that says, “I miss our family.” (Oooh, he must have gotten that line from Adam. That’s what he tells Chelsea anytime he’s in the mood for a little horizontal mambo!) Leah responds with “Huh???” (I’m sure that’s exactly the response Corey was hoping for!)

In Pennsylvania, Kail takes Isaac to Jo’s house and lets him know that he will need to take Isaac the weekend that she goes to Texas. Jo says she needs to let him know the exact dates. (After all, he will need to schedule his rap concerts and club appearances around it. #RapStarProblems) Kail’s storyline for this episode is ridiculously yawn-inducing, so let’s move on.

In South Dakota, Chelsea is loafing around her house with her pal, Erica. (This chick is always there! Doesn’t she ever have to work at the tanning salon?) Their other friend, Landon, arrives and he’s just…fabulous. With a random feather dangling from his ear/hair and a dead-behind-the-eyes-from-too-much-Adderall look, Landon is just killing it. He tells Chelsea that she simply must go check out Black Hills Beauty College, his alma mater.

The next day, Chelsea and Landon trek down to the beauty school, where they meet up with admission counselor Jake. It takes Jake about a minute and a half to ask Chelsea why it’s taken so damn long to complete her GED. Of course, Chelsea blames her kid (rather than her own laziness and/or preoccupation with Adam’s ding-a-ling). Jake basically tells her to get her crap together and get it done already.

She hasn’t even signed up yet and she is already trying to figure out how many days she’s allowed to miss before she gets kicked out of school. I’m sure Jake’s just dying to take on Chelsea, her baggage and her MTV camera crew.

Anyway, it’s moving day in North Carolina and the whole Evans clan (even Babs’ special gentleman friend, Mike) has gone over to Josh’s mom’s house to help Jenelle get settled in. After a few games of cornhole (no, really, that’s what that bean bag game is callled), and a few gallons glasses of wine, Barb just can’t stop cackling about how great the house is, how lovely the pool is, etc.

I’m fairly certain that she and Mike are considering asking Josh’s mom if they, too, can just go ahead and move in. (“I bought a new bathin’ suit for ya, Mike! Pool paaarty at Babs’ house!”)

Over at Leah’s, it’s time to head to the trusty ol’ grocery store parking lot to drop the twins off with Corey. Leah is uneasy about seeing Corey after receiving his awkward text, and knows that she won’t be able to just keep responding with “Huh??” every time he says he wants her back. Corey tells her that while he’s not trying to ruin her new relationship (um???) he does miss Leah and thinks it was a mistake to get a divorce. He tells her to take her time before deciding if she wants him or Jeremy, and “not to lose sleep over it.”

Leah is overwhelmed with all of the emotion, and after Corey leaves with the girls, breaks down right there in the Food Fair parking lot from the stress. Afterwards, she goes to talk about the ordeal with her sister, who tells her that she’s not surprised that Corey wants to worm his way back into Leah’s panties, now that she’s got a new beau, but Leah is still confused. She’s also still not using waterproof mascara. Did she learn nothing from last season!?

Next week, Chelsea heads to take her GED test, Kail heads to the Lone Star State, Jenelle wants a sleepover with Jace and Josh, and Corey wants a sleepover with Leah. Hopefully next week’s episode won’t suck as much as this week or I’m starting a petition to somehow get Butch on ‘Teen Mom 2.’ That will liven things up!

(Photos: MTV)