Welcome to Buckwild, y’all. Each week, MTV will feed us another ridiculous episode of this crap, in hopes that some of the faithful Jersey Shore viewers will hang on and tune in. (Does it really matter if it’s a tanned guido or a dirty hillbilly on our screens, just as long as someone’s getting drunk and causing mischief? MTV hopes not!)

Anyway, the show premiered on Thursday to surprisingly fantastic ratings. (Hey, everyone loves a trainwreck, right?) While The Ashley doesn’t plan to recap each week of this show, she will add in her thoughts when time permits, or when it’s just so amazingly bad that she can’t resist.

The show starts off with a Jackass-style warning message informing viewers that going ‘Buckwild’ on their own could result in injury or property damage. The first ‘Buckwild’ degenerate we meet is Shain. (Apparently his parents weren’t so good at “the spelling and what not.”)

He tells us that his last name is Gandy, so everyone calls him “Gandy Candy” because, “it’s trick-or-treat all year long” with him. We are then “treated” to several pelvis thrusts from Shain, which leave me feeling nauseating and hating my life for watching this crap.

Next we meet Anna, who likes punchin’ and fightin’. Joey tells us that his pals call him “Justin Bieber.” I’m guessing he got that nickname because of his moist, stringy guy-bangs, but he says it’s because he “knows all about the bieber.” Um…I think you mean “beaver,” buddy. However, judging from how you look, I highly doubt you know much about that either, except how to turn it into jerky.

Cara tells us that she’s the new girl in town and is clearly going to be the love interest for at least three or four of these bumpkins, what with her short denim jorts straight from the Walmart and her unwashed tank top. She’s a hot piece of hillbilly ass, apparently. Too bad she looks like she hasn’t showered since the late 1990s.

Tyler is the pretty boy of the group, informing us that he likes to “clean up for the ladies.” I’ll assume that translates into him taking the occasional Q-tip to his ears and sometimes washing his hands before eating. (“He’s one of them classy fellas your mama told ya about!”)

Shae is the sexy Southern belle. I don’t know Shae but I’ll go ahead and assume that she’ll become the token ho-bag of the group. Ashley tells us that she’s “known for getting into trouble” and apparently enjoys screaming at her mom over the phone. (Looks like someone’s been taking lessons from Jenelle of Teen Mom 2!)

Anyway, now that we know all of the goons we’re dealing with, we start off at West Virginia University, where a disgruntled Ashley and Anna have just driven two hours to pick up their pal Cara at school. (Dear God, I can only imagine how bad that car smelled after that trip. Seriously girls, Ivory soap. Use it.) Cara is moving out of the “learning” area of town and heading to ‘Buckwild’ territory for the summer.

Ashley and Anna help Cara load her “breakables” into the trunk (“Don’t wanna break those high class margarita glasses I bought over at the Dollar General, y’all!”) and then they head out to the country.

Meanwhile, the boys are fixin’ to get into some hi-jinks over in the holler (which I learned is like some sort of valley where a grouping of rednecks park their trailers/live.) Shain has somehow obtained a very large tire and is preparing to climb inside to go take a ride down the hill. His friends give the tire a push and we watch as Shain bounces all over the place before eventually coming to a stop…on his head. Don’t worry though; he was wearing a helmet (safety first!) so at least a few of his remaining brain cells were retained.

The girls arrive at Shain’s trailer and the boys hoot and holler (different kind of “holler,” just for the record) about how good Cara’s looking in her jorts. The gang then decides to all go muddin’ so they pile into Shain’s pickup for a wild ride. While Shain and the guy with the greasy bangs are busy trying to get Cara to put her legs on their laps, the rest of Shain’s pals are literally being thrown all over the pickup bed, screaming for mercy as the mud flies all over them. Anna, who’s apparently a classy broad, does not enjoy muddin’.

Eventually, the truck gets stuck in the mud, so Shain has to call his friend to come tractor them out. To pass the time, Ashley decides to throw Cara into the mud and the girls begin to wrestle. Seriously, I think at that point every single one of those Jethros-in-heat looks like they are about to pass out from arousal. (“Normally ya gotta pay $9.95 plus tax to see this kinda thing!”)

Next, they head to the girls’ house where we meet Shae, who looks like a hillbilly version of Dakota Fanning, if Dakota Fanning were really trashy and poor and failed the fourth grade. Shae suggests the girls throw a “rager” the next night, even though one of their neighbors is notorious for calling the cops when the girls get loud. The neighbor is just a little piece of heaven. I don’t know her name, but I’m going to call her LaQuisha.

Shain tells us that he “don’t have none of that In-ternet stuff” and that he much prefers just yelling down the holler (hollering down the holler, if you will) when he needs to talk to someone. He picks up Cara on his four-wheeler and takes her to a romantical spot where he pulls out some weeds and hands them to her.

They go meet up with some of the other girls, as well as Shain’s friend Blue Foot. (I really, really don’t want to know why they call him Blue Foot. I’m sure he’s some sort of communicable-disease-infected medical marvel, but I pray they spare us from seeing it.) Anyway, the group decides to go for a swim underneath the power plant. Nothing says summer fun like radioactive water!

Later, Shain and Tyler hang out in Shain’s shed, where Tyler informs Shain that he’s fixin’ to go after Cara. Although Shain “ain’t doin’ jumpin’ jacks” over the idea of his friend banging the girl he likes, he is gracious enough to let his pal diddle her first before taking his own turn. Sharing is caring, y’all!

Night comes and it’s time for the party at the girls’ house. The kids start piling in, each with a gift for the hostesses. (Some bring beer, some bring deer meat. As you do.) The party is just starting to heat up when LaQuisha comes rappin’ at the door, complaining about the noise. She informs the gang that her “kids is tryin’ to go to sleep.” We finally get a good look at LaQuisha. With her fire-engine-red hair and neon yellow shirt, she’s quite the treat.

Anyway, LaQuisha’s furious because until her kids go to sleep, she can’t get freaky herself, or as she so eloquently puts it, “do what we do.” She tells Anna to “bring the party down,” which enrages Anna and a “talk to the hand” battle, a la ‘The Ricki Lake Show’ circa 1997 ensues.  Eventually, Anna starts trying to fight LaQuisha, who calmly tells her that she’s ready to “whoop some ass.” It takes about four hillbillies to pull Anna into the house in her enraged state and LaQuisha slugs back over to her house to “do what she do.”

The next morning, the kids are busy shootin’ taters (um?) when Cara arrives with some bad news: the girls are being evicted due to their excessive noise violations. They only have five days to shovel their disgusting belongings out of the house. Anna is feeling quite under the weather after her drunken fight with LaQuisha last night, but knows she’s going to need some help moving their stuff so she calls up Tyler and Joey.

The boys arrive with a flatbed truck and boxes, both hoping that by them helping Cara will eventually boink them. Which is probably fairly accurate. LaQuisha is standing on her porch and notices the girls packing up and gives them a farewell flip-off as they drive away. I’ll miss you, LaQuisha, and will think of you often.

They girls are moving into Anna’s uncle’s rental house (a.k.a. the house that MTV rented for them). Shain, for one, is thrilled that the girls will now be living in the country, telling us enthusiastically, “Now I don’t even have to drive into the city to get my flirt on.” Well, there you go.  Shain decides that the girls’ new house is lacking a swimming pool, so he and Joey go fetch a dump truck.

Later that night, the girls head to Rehab, the local nightclub. Rehab has to literally be the saddest nightclub I’ve ever seen, with a dance floor made of boards, girls in nasty bikini tops grinding on other girls in nasty bikini tops, all while everyone drinks some sort of sludge that looks like a mixture of Mountain Dew and beer. Half the patrons of Rehab look like they’re way too young to be there, while the other half look like they’re most likely featured on the Megan’s Law website.

Anyway, after a few hours of drinkin’ and grindin’, Cara’s had enough and sneaks out of the club to go hang out with Tyler.

The next day, Shain arrives with his “swimming pool” which is essentially just a dump truck with a plastic liner filled with water. I hate to admit it but I’d totally swim in it. (And then bathe my body in Lysol, of course). The editing of this show is all over the place. One minute they’re getting ready to go swimming. The next, it’s nearly nighttime and Cara and Tyler are hooking up in Anna’s bed while everyone is gone. Next, they are back to swimming. Is Shain doing the editing on this show, MTV?

Right before the dump truck pool party, another girl arrives named Salwa. She’s possibly one of the worst script-readers I’ve ever seen. She is literally just a robot in a Bengali body. She dives into the “pool” and agrees to take off her top when one of the boys offers her $100. After she reveals her boobies, the boy tells her he “ain’t got no money.” I’m sure her mama must just be glowing with pride.

Tyler takes time out from the festivities to tell us that he likes Cara because she’s hot and she has a good brain…on her shoulders. (Um?) Later, when Anna finds out that Cara and Tyler got frisky in her bed, she flips out and starts screaming at Cara. Cara storms off, while Tyler shows no remorse for putting his horse in Cara’s stable while in Anna’s bed.

Next week, well….we’re gonna see this.  I sure called Shae right, didn’t I?!

(Photos: MTV)