Greetings crappy reality TV-loving fans! As you may have noticed, The Ashley didn’t recap last week’s episode of The Bachelor. In fact, she didn’t even have a chance to watch it, due to having to attend an event that same night. (Um, hello. Don’t people know that Monday should be reserved for sitting on the couch, eating bear claws and making fun of the girls on ‘The Bachelor?’ Come on!)

Anyway, from what The Ashley heard, last week was just 120 minutes of Tierra being a complete pain in the ass, so she’s not all broken up about missing it.

This week, the episode starts with Chris Harrison greeting the remaining 13 girls, while a shirtless Sean is followed around by the camera crew while pruning in his chonies. (I’m all about seeing Sean’s killer body up close, but can we cool it with the crotch shots, ABC? I watch this show with my mother, for God’s sakes!)

The first one-on-one date card goes to Selma (and her ginormous bouncing boobies). The other girls are devastated when they hear that Selma will get the date with Sean. Like, they were actually crying about it. I guess if I were stuck in a house all day with Tierra and a few of these other chicks, with no hope of escape, I’d probably shed a few tears too.

Anyway, Sean arrives to pick up Selma wearing pink shorts he surely borrowed from Ames and/or Emily Maynard. They head to the airport where Sean says “he” rented them a private jet to take them to the location of their date. Selma’s all excited because she feels like a “baller” (as the cool kids say) and is flipping her hair and laughing at all the peasants she left behind at the Mansion.

It’s extremely awesome that we get to watch Selma’s face fall flat as she realizes that instead of jetting off to some glamorous location, Sean has arranged for them to go to Joshua Tree, California, a national park in the middle of the desert.  They emerge from the jet and are basically in the middle of nowhere. Selma is trying to pretend that she’s having a great time, but she looks like she’d rather stick a hot curling iron in her eye rather than be there.

As they climb into a big Jeep, Sean is practically giddy, while Selma is holding onto her extensions for all she’s worth and silently cursing the day she ever boarded that plane. I’m freaking loving this!

When they arrive at the park entrance, Selma tells us that she hates the desert, and that she feels “puffy.” (I think that’s another word for “contractually obligated to reluctantly participate in whatever creepy nature-themed date Sean has planned for her.”) Sean tells Selma that they’ll be rock climbing, and she seriously looks like she’d rather have a hungry vulture tear her carcass limb from limb than hoist herself up those rocks.

They begin to climb, and Selma puts in a good effort, despite not being athletic. She’s grunting and puffing like Snooki in labor. They finally make it to the top of the mountain and the cheesy flute music starts playing as Sean and Selma watch the sun set together. They cuddle as the breeze blows on them. (Girl, I hope you wore that clinical-strength Degree for this date!)

That night, they jump in the jeep and head out to dinner. You can tell that Selma’s totally expecting a fancy night out. Instead they pull up to THE BEST PLACE EVER– Hicksville Trailer Palace. (A side note: The Ashley spent her last birthday at this place. It is amazing! You didn’t get to see much of it but it is so fun, but definitely not made for prissy girlie-girls like Selma. I’d link it but I don’t want everyone to go there and make it hard for me to get a reservation.)

While hanging out at the trailer palace, Selma tells Sean that because her family is Muslim, there will be no lip-locking on national television. She tells Sean that she can’t kiss him and you can just see the blue balls spread across his face. (Ew, that’s a scary thought.) Despite their lack of tonsil hockey, Sean presents her with the rose.

The next day, the girls leave for their group date with Sean. They soon learn that they will be doing roller derby, and will get to beat and batter each other in the name of love. The girls are understandably unhappy about this, but still let the instructor (who I am almost certain is actually Kathy Griffin) teach them the ropes of derbying.

Passive-aggressives Tierra and Amanda are chomping at the bit to knock some bitches down. Amanda even goes so far as to hint that she’s done derby before, which makes the other girls basically piss in their Spandex leggings. Half the girls look like they haven’t skated since the days that Jonathon Taylor Thomas was still a heartthrob and known as JTT, so I anticipate some broken bones.

Poor Sarah is struggling with the date since she doesn’t have two arms to use for balance and is terrified at the thought of a raging Tierra barreling towards her on skates. After an inspirational chat with Sean, Sarah decides to slap her pads on and give it a try.

Meanwhile, Amanda is hot-shotting around the rink when all of a sudden she takes a nasty fall, smashing her chin into the floor. The rest of the girls look absolutely terrified. Why the hell do the producers always make these poor people do ridiculous physical challenges on these group dates?! Why not just have Amanda and Tierra box UFC-style? That would be way more entertaining than watching poor Sarah try to skate and not get killed.

As Amanda is carted off to the hospital, Sean tells the girls that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for them to do roller derby. (In other words, ABC finally realized all the potential lawsuits that could arise from this ridiculous activity and pulled the plug.) Sean suggests that they all just have a “fun” skate instead.

That night, they head out to—wait for it—a fancy hotel’s pool area where they toast to Amanda’s broken jaw. The girls are all talking about crap that no one cares about so Sean takes Sarah off for some one-on-one time. Meanwhile, Tierra is being a complete crap-wad to the other girls, and it’s pissing Robyn off. They get into a Jerry-Springer-style squabble (“Talk to the hand!”) and all the girls side with Robyn.

Amanda reappears, sans jaw cast, and tells us the she plans to “milk the heck” out of her injury. Sean’s doing his best to pretend that he likes her but you can tell he’s rather creeped out by her.

Tierra, upset that Sean’s not paying her any attention, decides to flip into batsh*t crazy mode, and starts screaming that she’s going to walk out. She talks to the producers about how she “just can’t take it anymore.” (Um, yeah, that makes two of us!) We all know that this attention whore has no plans of actually leaving. Instead, she’s just acting like a nutjob in hopes of getting more time with Sean.

By now, she’s become a complete meltdown monster and goes over to creep on Sean, who is spending time with a different girl. They are just about to get freaky in the hot tub, when, on the way to the pool, Sean spots a crying and crazy Tierra sitting on the steps, waiting for him. “Can I talk to you?” she blubbers, forcing Sean to leave his date to go attend to this loony toon’s needs.

Tierra tells Sean she’s “being tortured.” (Really? Riding around in limos and lazing around a mansion all day is being tortured, eh? Tell the guys in the Syrian detention centers that one. In between beatings, I’m sure they’ll get a chuckle out of that.)

Sean, for some reason, finds Tierra’s drama charming (and/or ABC is forcing him to keep her around to cause chaos) so he doesn’t tell her to hit the bricks. Instead, he actually gives her the date rose! W.T.F. He tells her he’s crazy about her. (Well, at least he got the crazy part right.)

The next day is Sean’s one-on-one date with Leslie. He includes a pair of diamond earrings with the date card, so we pretty much know that this is the “Pretty Woman” date they do every season. One lucky girl gets to go shopping and buy whatever she wants on ABC’s dime, which isn’t a bad gig if you can get it.

They pull up to a store on Beverly Hills’ Rodeo Drive. (I especially loved all the tourists that were standing there gawking, particularly the guy who pulls out his flip phone to film them!) He tells Leslie to pick out any gown she wants. For some reason, she picks the one that looks like it got attacked with the BeDazzler.

After stopping by Neil Lane’s shop to pick up some more diamonds, Sean and Leslie head out to a romantical dinner. Leslie is already saying that she can see Sean as her husband and is totally smitten with all the free crap she got Sean. At dinner, they chat and we can see that Sean is just not feeling her. He’s trying to figure out a nice way to dump her and swipe the diamonds back.

Finally he tells her that he’s just “not feeling the romantical connection,” which is code for “even with all those diamonds I still don’t want to bone you.” He escorts her out of the restaurant and we see that her fancy limo has been replaced with the Van of Shame. In the next shot, we also notice that Leslie’s jewels are missing from around her neck. At least she got a pair of diamond earrings! That’s a pretty good parting gift!

The next night is the cocktail party. The girls are all talking trash on Tierra, except for Amanda. It’s no surprise that they’re fast friends, as they are both dramatic and annoying. Amanda, for whatever the reason, is dressed like someone you would have found at a Marilyn Manson concert circa 1999, with her dark plum lips, hair all stringy around her face and horrific black frock.

The cocktail party basically consists of Tierra being annoying, the other girls looking like they want to hit her in the face with a frying pan and Sean writing her off as “emotional.”

Finally, it’s time for Sean to crush some dreams and send one of these girls to Forever Alone-ville. Soon it’s down to Amanda and Daniella. (Who the hell is Daniella?! Did she sneak into the show on like the third episode? I’ve never seen this chick before!) Daniella gets the rose, thus sending Amanda packing.

Next week, Sean and the girls head off to the wilderness in a two-day drama-a-polooza full of tears and creepy Tierra cackling. (Seriously?! Two episodes in two days? ABC, you’re trying to kill The Ashley, aren’t you?)

(Photos: ABC)