It’s been a few weeks since The Ashley checked in with her favorite misguided youths, the Teen Mom 2 cast, so she decided to stop in and see what’s new. When it comes to these girls, you never know who will get knocked up—or knocked out!

Anyway, this week’s episode kicks off with Juh-nelle who’s spent the last week admiring her new boobs, hanging out with her booooyfriend and allowing her mother, Barbara, to take care of Jace. So, basically, it’s just like any other week in the life of Jenelle.

This week, Jenelle is dating Gary Head. (That’s really his last name. How could I not make a funny out of that?! I’m only human!) He’s been playing nursemaid to Lil’ Miss New Boobs in hopes that he will get some action once Jenelle’s funbags are healed. Things with Kieffer apparently didn’t work out, and Jenelle has once again run back to Gary.

“I like your boobs,” Gary tells Jenelle, who asks him if he liked the “fun size” version of her breasts better than the “king size.” Now, Gary the Head ain’t no fool and refuses to fall into Jenelle’s low-self-esteem trap, telling her, “I can’t really talk on that.”

I mean, who really can talk on that?

Jenelle tells Gary that Kieffer contacted her and let her know that he would be hitchin’ a ride down to North Carolina. (I’m sure he’ll be sleeping in the bathroom compartment of many a Greyhound bus during the trip.) Gary is unhappy to hear that The Kieff is once again coming around his girl (and her new boobs…and her MTV paycheck) and sends a threat (via MTV camera) that Kieffer better keep his moldy butt in Jersey where he belongs.

Gary says that he “ain’t lookin’ for trouble” because he actually has a job—no, a career— and that the last thing he wants is to end up in a jail cell for fighting.

Yeah. Good thing that didn’t end up happening. Oh..wait….

Next we check in with Chelsea, who is busy stuffing her gullet with candy and ice cream while complaining to her dad about not having a suitable place to live. She’s found a “twin home” that she wants to move into. (I hope it has an extra large floor for her to throw all of her crap onto!) However, she’s still got her heart set on moving away from South Dakota.

Randy, always the voice of reason, tries to explain that it’s probably not the best time to pick up and move across state lines, what with her being right in the middle of hair school.

Meanwhile, Leah is feeling a bit overwhelmed, what with all the engagement reinstating, wedding planning and child-rearing she has to do. The twins are driving Leah crazy so she does what any normal mother would do—she gives them each a cup of coffee and tells them to calm down.

I just….can’t….

Anyway, Leah is worrying about all of the stuff she has to do to plan her wedding. Her mother has luckily got her all set up over at “Lover’s Lane Weddings” so they call up the “Lane” people to try figure out where these two crazy youngins can get themselves hitched.

The lady on the phone suggests Leah forgo her dream of having a beach wedding and get married over at this lady’s house. She assures them that it’s a “very special place” and it even has a pond to make it look like a beach. (I’d need to see some actual photos. Something tells me this “very special place” is actually a few bucketfuls of dirt and sand all stacked up next to one of those plastic pools from the Wal-Mart.)

Leah goes online and is pleased with what she sees. She’s excited that the Lover’s Lane people are able to take care of all of the details. At that point, Aleeah starts screaming (apparently she didn’t think the pond idea was “very special?”) and Leah has to hang up the phone.

Over in Pennsylvania, Kail and Javi are still adjusting to life as roommates. Not only has Kail added Javi to her household, but also his ginormous dog, Bear. All of the people (and their poop) are starting to stress Kail out. The next day, Kail requests that Javi take the dogs out, but Javi isn’t having it. Kail’s friends come over and almost on cue, Bear jumps on the daughter of Kail’s friend.

Soon, Kail’s house just becomes one giant s**t show: the babies are crying, Kail is screaming, Javi is yelling, and the dog looks like he is thirstin’ for blood.

Kail tells Javi that she hates him and shoves him back, Amber Portwood style. This, of course, pisses Javi off. He tells her he won’t tolerate her putting her hands on him and that they’re breaking up He goes into the bedroom. Kail goes in there and slams the door on the MTV crew, but luckily, they’re wearing microphones so we—being the nosy little creeps that we are—are able to hear what they’re saying.

Kail immediately apologizes but Javi doesn’t want to hear it. She is crying hysterically but Javi is pissed off that Kail put her hands on him. He starts packing, all while Kail’s friends sit awkwardly in the living room. Kail’s worried that they’re breaking up because of her outburst and Isaac tries to console her.

Naturally, because this is one of those “Very Special Episodes,” MTV has to bust that “Love Is Respect” dating abuse hotline number at the end of the segment.

Back in West Virginia, Leah and Jeremy have found the perfect house and are excited to put in an offer on it. Obviously, that week in between when Leah wanted to bang Corey and when she decided to be with Jeremy sure made the difference, because now she is rushing to plan a wedding and purchasing a house with him.

They meet up with Mark the realtor and, as the twins crawl all over poor Mark’s furniture, sign the paperwork to get the house.

In South Dakota, Chelsea is heading to school to work on clients for the very first time. Her first client is some poor teen named Molli who is coming in for a fancy updo for some sort of prom event. Unfortunately, Molli is probably going to have to burn her prom photos (and possibly her hair) once Chelsea gets finished giving her some sort of multi-colored rat’s nest.

I just hope the ‘Teen Mom 2’ production crew paid for poor Molli to get her hair redone at a different salon.

Back at Casa de Jenelle, Babs and “the baby,” along with Babs’ trusty sexy-time pal, Mike, have arrived for a cookout of sorts. Jenelle is determined to show Babs that she is getting her life together and is ready to take care of Jace on her own. (Um, I’m not an expert here, but I’m pretty sure it would be a good idea to take that “Beer Pong” poster off the wall if you’re trying to show how grown-up and responsible you are.)

Anyway, Jenelle can’t believe that no one has mentioned her giant new knockers, so she just stands there, proudly pushing out her chest and smiling for her mom and almost-stepdad. (Nope, nothing creepy about that at all!)

“Whatdya got on, that pushup thing?” Babs cackles. Jenelle tells her mom that she “don’t got no pushup thing on” and that all that perkiness is hers (for the low price of $49.99 a month for the next 4-5 years!)

Babs decides to do some hands-on investigation and feels Jenelle’s new rack for herself, croaking that, “They’re haaaard as a rooooock.”

Oh, Babs. How I love thee.

Babs is just elated when she sees the spread that Jenelle and Gary have laid out before her on the kitchen table. She makes a toast and is sure to bring up the fact that “Kieffa would neva do somethin’ like this!”

Babs, being quite the chatty Kathy this evening, tells Jenelle that she’s so happy that she took Gary back and got rid of that darn Kieffer. All of this “Kieffa” talk is making Jenelle aggravated. Soon, things start to get really creepy.

First, Jace goes to sit on Jenelle’s lap and accidentally knocks against Jenelle’s boobs, to which Gary tells him to “Be careful not to mess up my toys.”

Creepy.

Next, Barb tells Jace to “watch out or ya might bounce across the room!” followed by a long cackle.

Effing…creepy.

In the words of the great Barbara Evans from Season 3, “Jace is gonna be so screwed up!”

Back at Kail’s, things are still tense and Kail is worried that Javi won’t come back home. She thinks he’s going to leave her and she’s trying to figure out why she gets so mad about everything.

Later that day, Kail calls Javi and asks him to come home to talk to her. He arrives soon after and she apologizes for what she did and tells him that she is going to work on her anger problems. Javi agrees to give their relationship another try and accepts her apology.

In South Dakota, Chelsea’s been approved for her new apartment (I think she has actually beat Jenelle for most moves in ‘Teen Mom 2’ history…and that’s hard to do!) The whole gang—Ashley, Laura—are all there to help with the move. (Apparently Chelsea must have been “supervising” because I didn’t see her lift one thing.)

The next day, she meets up with Megan (‘Member her? The friend that got knocked up a few seasons back?) It’s been awhile since they’ve hung out and Megan’s looking better than ever. Megan breaks the news that A-D-A-M has a girlfriend, a fact that Chelsea didn’t know. Her friend says that Adam’s new girlfriend has “a weird face.”

Chelsea’s determined that Adam won’t pretend to be a good dad just to look good for his girlfriend. She doesn’t want Adam’s new boo anywhere near Aubree.

Meanwhile, at Leah’s, it must have been tanning day y’all because Leah’s skin tone has completely changed overnight. She’s not even a skin tone found in the human race. I like to call her coloring “Muppet Orange.”

Anyway, it’s time for Ali’s yearly assessment. The therapists arrive to see how Ali is progressing, and it appears that she is making good progress. Leah’s relieved to hear the good news and decides to call Corey to let him know what the therapists said. She wants Corey to attend Ali’s therapy appointments and Corey seems to think it’s a good idea as well.

In North Carolina, Jenelle has arrived at Casa de Barb to spend the night. She’s going to be watching Jace the next day while Babs is at work. Jace is screaming for a “baba!” but Jenelle is busy texting on her phone. Jenelle doesn’t want Jace to have a bottle and decides to play parent for the moment.

Babs decides that Jenelle should give Jace a bath but as soon as Jace is in the tub, Jenelle gets on her phone and calls Gary. She tells him that she wants to leave for about 30 minutes. Babs hears this and marches down the hall to give her daughter a piece of her mind! Barb reminds Jenelle that she needs her to baaaaabysit because she has to work at 7 a.m. the next morning, and soon, things turn ugly.

Jenelle is screaming at Babs, Babs is yelling that Jenelle is a bitch, and poor Jace is probably considering drowning himself in a sea of Mr. Bubble rather than deal with these two psychos any longer.

Babs says that she doesn’t want Jenelle to watch him anyway, since she’s “freakin’ high all the time!”

Jenelle starts to leave and poor Jace is standing there, soaking wet crying.

Soon, Babs breaks down in tears because her daughter is so irresponsible and that sets Jenelle off. Jenelle’s friends call her to let her know that they’re there to pick her up, and she heads out, as Babs mocks her about her smokin’ of the weed.

Babs reminds her that she’s been taking care of Jace since he was six weeks old, to which Jenelle says that she’s heard that a million times. She encourages her to “be original” with her banter. With that, Jenelle (and her new boobs) storm out of the house.

Over in West Virginia, Leah and Jeremy are having some problems getting a mortgage because they’re not married. Since their wedding isn’t going to be for a few months, they’re worried they’ll miss out on the house, so they consider getting a quickie marriage at the courthouse, and then having their big ceremony in a few months. They’ve already been through pregnancy, miscarriage, Leah wanting to bone Corey, breaking up and home purchasing, so they figure they can certainly handle a courthouse wedding.

In South Dakota, Adam’s arrived at Chelsea’s place to drop off a letter in her mailbox. (How convenient that the MTV camera crew just happened to be sitting on Chelsea’s front lawn! It’s almost as if the whole thing was set up…)

Chelsea goes out to get the mail and finds Adam’s envelope. She opens it up to see that Adam is trying to move some sort of “docket” to his county.

Chelsea’s not sure if the letter means Adam’s trying to take her to court so she calls up Randy to see if he can explain what’s going on. Even Randy’s not sure what Adam is trying to achieve. He does know, however, that Adam’s never been one for the “readin’ and writin’” which means that he probably had his new girlfriend type it up for him.

The next day, Chelsea’s burning up her pal Belinda’s hair while discussing the custody fight with Adam. Chelsea’s sure that Adam’s two DUIs and lack of presence in Aubree’s life will surely cause a judge to throw the book at him and side with Chelsea.

Back in North Carolina, Jenelle has found out that Babs called Gary to babysit Jace since Jenelle bailed out. He brings the kid over to Jenelle’s house and tells Jenelle that Barb told him that next time she needs a sitter, she’ll call a stranger because “at least she can trust them more than her “lil’ bitch of a daughta, Juh-nelle!”

Gary decides to actually spend some time with Jace, and they even try to help him learn to ride a bike. Afterwards, they bring Jace back to Barb’s house, and Barb is ready to let Jenelle have it for leaving the night before.

“You and this weed makes me sick!” Babs cackles. “Ya gaining weight, sittin’ around gettin’ HIGH HIGH HIGH HIGH!”

(Seriously, I should just stop the episode here. There’s no possible way this night could get any better. Our gal Babs is back and betta than eva!)

As per usual, Jenelle storms out of the house, as Babs screams that “Ya nothin’ but a pothead!”

Gary tries to smooth things out between mother and daughter. (For what it’s worth, I think he’s a good guy. He tries to help Jenelle and seems to have good intentions. I think Barb knew that and that’s why she wanted Jenelle to stay with him. I think he’s the best guy Jenelle’s going to get!)

Next week on ‘Teen Mom 2,’ Gary wants to marry Jenelle, Leah marries Jeremy, Kail and Javi discuss getting married, and no one wants to marry Chelsea. (Hey girl, fear not, I hear Kieffa’s single!)

(Photos: MTV)