Howdy, gang! The Ashley is already a few days behind on this recap, so let’s hop right into it, shall we? There a hot tubs to make out in and cheesy group dates to cringe at!

Anyway, Chris Harrison arrives at the Mansion and tells the guys that this week there will be two group dates and two 1-on-1 dates. The guys chosen to go on the first group date scurry upstairs to get ready for the day’s adventure. Soon Desiree arrives and they all cart off to some weird garage place that kind of looks like the same place Sean took his dates last year for roller-skating. She lifts the door of the garage and we see a fine assortment of brutes all staring meanly back at the ‘Bachelorette’ guys.

The men learn that they will be playing dodgeball against a professional D-ball team. (And by “playing” I mean, running away when the ball is thrown and trying not to cry when it hits them.) The pros start slamming balls into the ‘Bachelorette’ guys’, um, balls. (Seriously Des, don’t expect any children if you pick Brooks— I think that nasty hit just about blew any chance of him reproducing! )

After the boys have been tortured thoroughly, Des calls off the “game” and tells them that now they’ll be heading to a second location so that they can play a dodgeball game against each other! Of course, they take the men to some public place so that the salivating cougars/confused tourists/TMZ cameramen can sufficiently gawk at them. Once they’ve all been decked out in red or blue tees and nut-hugging shorts, Des sends them into a cage (because they’re “man-imals!”)

Two seconds into the first round Brooks suffers yet another injury. (His ponytail, however, remained unharmed through the incident.) His broken nail looks pretty bad so they cart him off to the nail salon hospital and continue the game. The men are really getting into the game but it’s no surprise because every one of them say that their “hearts are on the line” here. (And…up comes my dinner.)

Eventually, it comes down to one guy on each team and Zak W. (formerly known as “Ab Boy”) takes the win home for the blue team. The red team sulks at the thought that they won’t have the opportunity to spend more time with Des. Of course, Des isn’t going to miss out on the chance for additional guys telling her how wonderful she is, so she invites the losing team to join them! How very Sean Lowe of her!

Over at the hospital, poor Brooks looks comatose. It turns out that he actually broke his finger and the way they make it seem, is about two breaths away from death. He’s just lying there, still proudly sporting the red nut-huggers from the game, while the cameras pan to the life support machines for added effect. Seriously, guys? This will make it harder for poor Brooks to um, perform, in the Fantasy Suite, should he make it there. Just sayin’…

Back on the date, Desiree is feeling “really bad” about Brooks’ broken finger, so bad that she has to go makeout with about five guys while Brooks is clinging to his life. She first spends some time with Brad, who reveals that, like Ben, he also has a son. He’s three years old, named Maddox and has a car-jacking wino for a mom. 

He then reveals that he had a turbulent relationship with Maddox’s mom. I mean, sure she had him arrested for domestic violence and, fine, there was also that restraining order she put out against him but, it’s all in the past now.

Next, Chris (Wait, who?!) steals Des away to a rooftop for a chat. The look out into the streets of LA while talking about their lives and Des seems to be eating it up.

Afterwards, Des and the guys are all sitting around when in staggers poor, beaten-and-broken Brooks. With his red sweatband still wrapped around his forehead and his veins filled with Demerol, he approaches Des and they begin to make out. Soon, it’s time to give away the date rose. Brooks (and his sad finger) seem to have a lock on that rose, but Des decides to give the flower to Chris.

Seriously?! All that guy did was find an open door to the roof—poor Brooks had to have his bones reset! Come on!

Anyway, Chris and Des get some alone time and they head off to…wait for it…another private concert! Unfortunately, the singer is God-awful. Seriously, she sounded like Fiona Apple after a five-day bender. Her screeching doesn’t appear to bother the lovebirds, however, who spend the time slow dancing and kissing.

The next day, Des is casually lounging at her Mansion (as you do) when she gets a phone call from Chris Harrison, who tells her he has some “bizarre news” about one of her suitors. Apparently, Brian has a ball-and-chain back at home who found out that he went on a dating show and is now pissed—pissed enough to fly all night so that she can confront him in LA! Yay!

Des hops in her Barbie car and speeds off towards the Bachelor Mansion. She pulls Brian aside and asks him if he has anything to tell him. He stares at her blankly (although, to be fair, I don’t really think he has any other way of looking) and starts talking about how he feels very strongly for Desiree. He brings up his “past relationship” just as Chris and a woman (i.e. “Past Relationship”) walk out into the yard. It’s then we meet Stephanie, a former Playboy Playmate that claims to be this douche’s girlfriend from back home.

Brian seems shocked to see her (possibly because he was hoping she didn’t find out 1) he came on a dating show behind her back and 2) he stole her pink T-shirt to wear on said dating show). The girlfriend, who is obviously going for her Emmy nomination with this performance, screeches about how they’re still together and that he never told her he was going on ‘The Bachelorette.’ Desiree and Chris sit there awkwardly as Brian denies that he and Stephanie are together.

Although it seems far-fetched, the fact that Steph knew all the filming dates makes me believe that she was actually legit. I mean, I’m sure she still stuffed a few headshots into Chris Harrison’s coat pocket before she left, but I think she really was there because she was upset.  Anyway, Des tells Brian to take his blubbering girlfriend and hit the road. As Brian goes upstairs to pack his things, Des comforts Stephanie. (I wonder if we’ll see her on an upcoming season of ‘The Bachelor?!’)

After he leaves, Desiree confronts the rest of the men and encourages them to confess anything else that they’ve been hiding from her. (This is your chance, Brooks! Come out of the closet once and for all!)

No one else has anything to say so Des takes off for her 1-on-1 date with Kasey. They head down Sunset Blvd. and Kasey is soon told that they’ll be “window dancing” today. Um….was the repelling company already booked?! This date is boring as sin…call me when Kasey craps his yellow pants….

The date continues to be a dud. After window dancing, they go up to a rooftop where they are nearly blown away. It’s freezing, both of them are miserable, but Des still gives him a rose. I’m pretty sure she only did that so that she could get the hell out of there.

The next day, it’s time for another nauseating group date! The guys go outside and see that a stagecoach has arrived to take them to their date. The head to a Western movie set and see Desiree all dressed up in old west clothing.

“She’s like a girl from…the 1900s!” Brad proudly declares. (Nice try, buddy. Put down the weights and crack a book every once in a while…Good Lord!)

The guys get stunt lessons from the guy who did the stunts on “The Lone Ranger” movie. Then, they mount horses and Desiree says she wants to see what they’ve learned. Zak proceeds to split his pants (probably the one interesting part of this scene), and Juan Pablo busts out his Spanish. Apparently, Des is a sucker for Espanol, because she chooses Juan Pablo to spend some alone time with her. She says she really likes him. (Um…then you should probably learn to actually pronounce his name. I’m pretty sure she keeps calling him Juan Pabbo.)

Des and Juan Pabbo head off into a barn to get a sneak peek of the movie, but end up getting frisky in the hay!

The next day, Chris Harrison tells the guys that instead of the traditional cocktail party, they’ll be splish-splashing at an all-day pool party!

Ben, dressed in his little sister’s pink shorts and tank top, sees Des pull up to the party and quickly goes outside to steal her away for a few minutes. They drive off  and soon, the other guys realize that this pool party’s nothing more than a giant sausagefest and wonder where Des is.

Ben and Des return from their drive and are spotted by some of the guys. Of course, Mikey pulls Ben aside. (Seriously, this guy spends more time alone with Ben than he does with Desiree! Worry about yourself, bro!) Michael G follows them outside and tells Ben that they can’t be friends. Wow, that one must have hurt.

Later, Brandon starts crying (again) about how Brian ditching a single mom made him remember his daddy issues. The guy won’t stop blubbering, except to sneak in the fact that he is falling in love with Desiree. Seriously? Seriously?! This dude has spent probably 37 minutes, total, with this broad and already he’s declaring his love? We’ve got a potential lawn sleeper on our hands, folks.

Desiree goes into the giant swordfight cesspool that is the hot tub (seriously, that was one step away from being a gay p0rn!) and is soon pulled away to decide who’s she is going to cut. Brandon tells us that he’s never felt so confident in a rose ceremony. We all know what that means…

Anyway, she starts to hand out roses, saving Brooks, Drew, Zak W., Brad, Michael G, Mikey, “Juan Pabbo” (which she busted out her horrible high school Spanish when it came time to give him the rose) and Ben (of course).

Brandon does not receive a rose and he is devastated. Like seriously, devastated. Like “in need of suicide watch” devastated. He tells her she’s making a huge mistake and does the Charlie Brown walk out the door. She runs out to comfort him and insists that they don’t have the chemistry needed to keep him here.

“I’m so disappointed!” he wails. “Once again, someone else has left me!”

Am I a dick because this scene made me laugh hysterically? Yes? Ok….

Next week, the gang heads to Atlantic City, where they’ll take part in a male beauty pageant. Hi-jinks are bound to ensue!

(Photos: ABC)