Howdy, kids! This week, we follow Desiree and her battalion of bachelors to the glittering world of Atlantic City. (I’ll save you the Google: that’s in New Jersey). Anyway, this is the first week that Des and the guys have been shipped anywhere and is the start of their “around the world journey to find love.” Nothing says “true love” like sharing the Atlantic City boardwalk with crackhead boardwalk hookers! I know, I know, there’s a lot more to Atlantic City than hookers–who could forget all the stabbings that take place there as well? (I still wanna go though!)

Anyway, the guys are excited for their journey to the “Las Vegas of the East” and quickly throw their crap into their suitcases and head out. They arrive to AC and head up to their giant, VIP suite, where the first 1-on-1 date card is waiting for them. Desiree has selected quiet -but-hunky Brad for her first date. The other guys all congratulate him, then proceed to talk crap about him as soon as he leaves the room. (See? Guys are a lot like girls– we all like to talk crap on each other!)

Anyway, Brad and Des stroll the boardwalk, riding the carnival rides and playing games. Des suddenly gets a hankering for chocolate so they go into a candy shop, trespass into the back and head over to the conveyor belt. Des proceeds to put her greasy paws all over the fresh candy while Brad stands there silently, like he’s afraid of getting in trouble.

Afterwards,  they head over to ride the carousel. The other guys are watching their date from their hotel suite’s window and one guy quips, “Oh no, they’re on the carousel together! Things always happen on carousels.” Nope, nothing creepy about that statement at all. (Um, can someone please call the Megan’s Law people?)

Next, they head to the beach, where a giant sandcastle just happens to have been built for them. They sit, eat and chat about Brad’s kid, Maddox. “I love that Brad takes responsibility for his son,” Desiree says. Um, this isn’t 16 and Pregnant. I’m pretty sure that’s kind of what you’re supposed to do when you have kids. Just sayin’.

They head to dinner at a lighthouse and the conversation starts to lack. Brad’s very “chill,” so chill, in fact, that he makes you think that he might have just popped about 15 Ambien before this dinner date.

Des is trying to look past Brad’s dull personality because he’s pretty hot, but it’s just not working. Things get mind-numbingly boring so Des suggests they climb the 1,000 stairs to the top of the lighthouse. Please, God, tell me she’s going to push him off? That’s literally the only thing that could make this scene more interesting.

Unfortunately for us (but fortunately for Brad) she refrains from tossing him to his death. Instead, she waits until they get to the top of the lighthouse before dumping him, telling him she doesn’t want to “take him away” from his son any longer. She even manages to squeeze out a few tears in the process. Brad, too, is devastated and starts blubbering, Brandon-style.

The next day is the groan-worthy group date we’ve been waiting for. All of the guys except for James (who was spared this humiliation because he got the second 1-on-1) arrive and find out that they’ll be competing in a Mr. America contest! They’ve even wheeled out the current Miss America to join in the festivities and help coach the guys. The boys all pretend to be stoked by this “fun” date, but most of them look like they’d rather be doing anything (even be locked in a room with a crying Vienna Girardi) than be here.

Next, they bring in a fabulous pageant coach (“Heeeeey!”) who helps coach the boys on their walks. Then they all are forced to pick a “talent” to perform during the pageant. Zak W. decides that he’ll sing a song that he’s written for Desiree. (If it starts off with “They saaaay love don’t come easy…” I’m turning off the TV and never watching this crap again!)

Chris bolts for the pair of ladies’ heels (he was a little too happy to strap those babies on, if you ask me) and says he plans to do some hula hooping or something. They’re all practicing their “talents” and it looks like some sort of idiot circus. God help us.

The guys are told by Chris Harrison that they’ll be performing in the pageant in front of a live audience. And that they’ll be stripping down to their swimsuits (bring out the nut-huggers again!) for the bathing suit competition. The auditorium is filling up and the guys are getting ready for the pageant debut (although I think Brooks may have done a few of these before this one– heeeey!)

First, the guys have to get through the interview portion. It’s pretty priceless. These knuckleheads make Forrest Gump look like Stephen Hawking. Seriously. The highlight of this part of the pageant is Mikey the Meatheads‘ answer. He tells the crowd that he’s tired of being looked at as a meathead and that he just wants someone to cry with. Or something like that. He, of course, immediately follows up that statement by stripping off his shirt and doing wall push-ups for his talent. I just…can’t….

For his talent, Kasey decides to tap dance. At least I think that’s what all that stomping was. (It is Atlantic City, after all. He might have been squashing cockroaches.) Ben decides to strip down to his pink pants and play with a ribbon dancer for his talent (as you do). Bryden decides to go all “Channing Tatum” in front of the city’s mayor– pelvis thrusting right into the poor guy’s face. Nothing says “Pick me!” like hoisting your sweaty balls into a judge’s face.

Finally, the guys shuck their pants and don their swimsuits. The cougars in the audience are loving it. (“Oh, Melba! It’s just like 50 Shade of Grey come to life with all these young, hot studmuffins!”) Mercifully, it’s then time to pick the winner. For their efforts, Brooks comes in third, Zak W. takes second and Kasey wins the title of “Mr. America.” He’s stoked–and not in an ironic, this-is-so-lame way. The guy is literally jazzed to get the giant crown plunked on his head.

After the pageant, the guys take whatever dignity they have left to a hotel pool for drinks with Des. All the guys are vying for her attention. First, Chris (who reluctantly took off his high heels after the pageant) reads her some of his crappy poetry. Next, Ben grabs her and chats with her while all the other guys watch and grumble. Of course, Mikey and Michael G. are getting all butt-hurt about the whole thing. I know Ben is kind of a douche, but these guys are acting like 15 year old high school cheerleaders. Seriously, grow up.

Next, Zak W. treats us to some more of his musical stylings. He said he’s determined to finish his Desiree song and hopes that he’ll be rewarded with a rose for his efforts. She squeals about how great he was, blah blah blah, and ends up giving the rose to him. All the other guys are, of course, pissed that they are rose-less. Well, maybe you should stop belly-aching about Ben and start singing some crappy love songs to Des! (Actually, on second thought…please don’t. I don’t think I can stomach any more songs.)

The next day is James’ 1-on-1 with Des. They take a helicopter (!) to view the boardwalk. However, this is no ordinary helicopter fantasy date, noooo. This is one of those “Very Special” episodes of ‘The Bachelorette.’ They are going to view the Hurricane Sandy destruction at the Jersey Shore.

After viewing the destruction from the helicopter, they then trek through Seaside Heights on foot. They meet Manny and Jan, a couple who lost their home during the storm. The couple tells them that the storm destroyed their house on their anniversary and it gets really sad. Not to be a grinch or anything but…shouldn’t this be on a “20/20” special or something? “The Bachelorette’ doesn’t really seem like the place for this type of story. I mean, 10 minutes ago we were watching a guy pelvic-thrust the mayor!

Anyway, Des and James decide to give the couple the romantic date they were going to go on. They take off in Des’ limo for a night on the town in Atlantic City, while James and Des “slum it” at a pizza place.

Of course, going to such a low-priced establishment gives Desiree the chance to slip in the fact that her family was poor. It also gives James the chance to slip his tongue into Desiree’s mouth whenever it’s humanly possible. Geez, buddy, why don’t you just bang her under the table and get it over with!

Afterward, James decides to confess to Des that he once cheated on his girlfriend of five year in an effort to show how honest he is. The moment he reveals he’s a cheater, Desiree’s demeanor seems to change, but she tells him she appreciates his honesty. Sure.

Next, we check back in with Manny and Jan who are dining in Atlantic City when a brut brings in a photo album of their wedding photos. Apparently, the producers had their photos–which were almost ruined in the storm–restored. It’s a very sweet gesture. But…I’m kind of over them. Can we move on to more hot tubs, boy tears and pelvic thrusting, please?

Des and James join the Shore couple for a private concert with Hootie Darius Rucker. The couples switch dates for a swing around the ballroom (sorry, Manny, that switch does not apply to the Fantasy Suite too!) and soon it’s time for Des to decide if she’s going to give James the date rose or not.  Of course she does. After all of that mushy stuff, she pretty much has to. Otherwise everyone would think she was a dick.

The next night is the rose ceremony. No sausage-stuffed Jacuzzis tonight–they’re having a real cocktail party this time. All the guys are nervous that they won’t get the rose, except for Bryden (and his baby man bangs). He tells us that he’s not really feeling Desiree anymore and might tell her “no” if she tries to pawn one of her roses off on him. He tells the other guys that he’s thinking about leaving . (Who could blame him after that Mr. America monstrosity!?)

He steals some private time with Des. After she mentions how poor her parents were and that they couldn’t take care of her financially (Really?! Why don’t you just kick your dad in the nuts too while you’re at it!) he tells her that he’s “falling behind” in his feelings for her. Um, maybe that’s because you’ve only spent about 3 hours with the chick in the last three weeks. Desiree, scared that she will be the one to get dumped (again) on national TV, encourages him to stay.

Finally, Chris announces that it’s time to hand out the flowers. We know that they’re going to save Bryden for the very end, of course, for dramatic effect. Desiree gives roses to Brooks, Chris, Juan Pablo (again with the high school Spanish!?), Kasey, Michael G., Drew and Ben.

Next she calls Bryden’s name and it’s all awkward and silent for like five seconds. Will he turn her down!? Um…no, he accepts the rose (Wussy!) Mikey gets the last rose, meaning that non-Ab Boy Zak is the one getting the boot. He seems shocked, and even tells us that he “saw a future” with Desiree. Really? Because I’m pretty sure we only saw you for like five minutes total on screen this entire season!

Next week, the journey continues in Munich, Germany. Desiree promises us “lots of sausages” and “men in lederhosen.” Well, at least we know Brooks will be happy!

Until next week, kiddies!

(Photos: ABC)