Since we are currently in the middle of a “Teen Mom Dead Zone” (aka the period in which there are no shows about pregnant teens on TV) The Ashley is stuck recapping the next best thing, VH1’s Couple’s Therapy, starring Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra of ‘Teen Mom.’

The Ashley was supposed to recap the first episode too but…well, she sucks. So we’re going to start things off with the second episode. All of the couples have settled into the therapy house, and Flava Flav‘s girlfriend, Liz (and her scary eyebrows) is not speaking to him. (Just warning you now– these two make me one to icepick myself in the eye so I may be fast-forwarding through their parts. I don’t think I can take them in large doses.)

Tyler and Catelynn are discussing how embarrassing Liz’s behavior is when all of a sudden they show a shot of Flav doing before-bed pushups in some polka-dotted PJs…which I also own. No joke. I am pajama twins with Flava Flav. I think I may have just hit a new low.

Meanwhile, ‘Girls Gone Wild’ creator Joe Francis and his girlfriend, Abby, are discussing how they are tired of Flav and Liz’s drama. “We didn’t sign up for a sideshow,” Joe says. No, of course not. You signed up because you’re both famewhores. Obviously.

The next day, the couples head to a group session. Dr. Jenn Bermann is talking about how the therapy will work, but all I can do is stare at her eyebrows. So dark. So straight. So close together. Apparently mirrors aren’t allowed in the Couples Therapy house?

Anyway, the topic for today is “When You Hit Rock Bottom.” Flav’s girlfriend starts talking about how pissed off she was when she found out her boyfriend was going on a dating show. “I told you not to watch it, but you had to go do it anyway,” he tells her. I’m sorry….what?! I just…can’t with these two.

Next, Tyler and Catelynn talk about the time a year ago when Catelynn couldn’t stop lying. She says she was lying about a prior relationship. “Day one she was born and raised to lie,” Tyler said. Catelynn says that her mother would make her lie for her.

I almost forgot about the fantastical specimen that is April Baltierra! It’s been so long since I’ve seen her (and her Virginia Slims smoke cloud) on my TV screen! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy just to hear her mentioned. Please, God, tell me that ol’ April will be making a trip from whatever trailer park she’s living in for “Family Day” at the Couples Therapy house!

Anyway, Catelynn says that she was kicked out of April’s trailer home at age 14, so she’s used to abandonment.

Next, Chingy‘s girlfriend talks about how she was hurt when she found out Chingy had gotten another girl pregnant while they were “on a break.” (I can hear Maury now, “You….ARE the father!”) I’d imagine that would, indeed, be a hard pill to swallow.

Lastly, Joe and Abby (who’s way too pretty to be with this douche) talk about how Abby’s struggle with her eating disorder has been their rock bottom. Dr. Jenn says that Joe might find the fact that she’s struggling attractive. Well, gee, thanks, Captain Obvious. The man made a fortune off of finding vulnerable young girls, convincing them to take their clothes off for his camera and then paying them in “Girls Gone Wild” trucker hats. The fact that he’s attracted to girls who don’t have their lives together isn’t exactly breaking news.

Ugh this show is such a snoozefest. Seriously. Don’t attempt to sit through an episode without an ample supply of liquor and/or cake. I don’t even want to deal with my own problems, let alone sit through these rejects talking about their issues.

Joe’s mad at Abby for not telling Dr. Jenn that he’s not controlling. He demands that she step up and defend him. Way to show how uncontrolling you are, buddy.

Next Flav and Liz have a 1-on-1 session with Dr. Jenn. He’s sporting his giant clock necklace, while she’s sporting some over-gelled sweaty bangs, smeared eye makeup and a frightening scowl. She’s a hot mess..minus the, um, hot.

The next day the couples head to an obstacle course to do some sort of trust exercises. Chingy’s girlfriend is all dressed up like a FlyGirl for the occasion. The couples will be tethered together and climbing up the obstacles together. “I’m ready to climb, G!” Flav says, although his wife Liz is over in the corner crying because no one is paying attention to her. She’s quite the treat, this one.

Meanwhile, Joe and Abby are tethered together to climb a wall. Joe’s being a general douche and causes Abby to fall down, then tells her it was her fault. They climb the wall, they argue, it’s mind-numbingly boring, despite the intense music they’re playing. Ugh.

Liz keeps whining all through lunch about how everyone’s happier than them. I literally would have stabbed her with my fork if I had been at that picnic table. I can’t take her constant bickering and whining. She keeps saying she wants to go home and everyone huddles around her and tries to coddle her and convince her not to leave. Joe, of course, is getting pissed that Liz is taking all the attention (and camera time) away from him.

I’m fast-forwarding through this crap. I’m sorry. I can’t take it anymore.

Next week, Dustin and Heather of The Real World join the festivities. I don’t know if The Ashley will be there, though. This show sucks royally.