This week on The Bachelorette, we head to the exotic island of Madeira, which is apparently somewhere in the middle of Africa and Portugal. From what we can tell, it’s a pretty tiny place and the production of this show basically took over the entire island.

We’re down to just five gents competing for Desiree‘s heart, which means this is a pivotal week. Whoever makes it to the next round will get to bring Des home and pretend to be in love in front of their families! Everyone better start declaring their undying love for Des if they want to stick around!

The episode starts off with Des and the guys sailing around on some sort of pirate ship (as you do). As they’re sailing, Michael G. is pondering the best way to finally snag a 1-on-1 date with Des. Um…probably quite whining and worrying about what the other guys are doing, bro.

After their sail around the island, the guys unload into their expansive suite. Drew, who’s always good for a cheesy line, tells us that the island is “built for love.” Gag.

To bring some T & A to this season (since Des basically has neither), the producers decided to wheel out some of Des’ “friends,” aka some of the girls from last season. Catherine (Sean’s beloved), Lesley and Jackie have all flown to the island to give Desiree some advice. First, though, Catherine gives us an update on her and Sean. She tells us that they’re “good” and that they’re “best friends.” That sounds, um, promising.

Meanwhile, Lesley and Jackie are basically salivating over Desiree’s new life as ‘The Bachelorette.’ Both were hoping to be chosen but lost out to Desiree. Hey, look on the bright side, gals, you still have a shot at Bachelor Pad 2014!

Anyway, Des and the girls are chatting about Des’ impeding date with Brooks and soon all the guys walk out for the girls to feast their eyes on. Des points out which one is which and Jackie and Lesley are picking out the guys they plan to sleep with when they finally get the chance on ‘The Pad.’

Catherine, keeping it classy, randomly asks Desiree which guy she thinks has the biggest, um, package. Of course, they bleeped it out but that’s what she said. We know where her mind is at these days. How’s that ‘no sex until marriage’ working out for you and Sean, Cat? (Just for the record, Desiree said she thinks Chris is the guy that’s packing the most heat downstairs. For some reason she still thinks he’s really sexy. Must be all of his crappy poems?)

Later, they cart Jackie and Lesley and Cat away and it’s time for Brooks’ 1-on-1 date with Desiree. They Smart-Car off into the hills of Madeira and stop to look over the cliffs. (If I were you, Des, I wouldn’t stand so close to that cliff. Lesley and Jackie are still on the island and might push you in hopes of getting to take over for you as the next ‘Bachelorette.’ Just sayin’!) They continue their drive into the clouds and Brooks looks like he’s about to start blubbering because it’s so beautiful.

Next, they head out onto a cliff for a cloud picnic and begin to talk about what their lives would be like “outside this journey.” Desiree tells us that she could see Brooks as her husband and they both agree that they want to be in love with somebody. They’re both all excited over this revelation. Um…ok? Good job guys? They finish the picnic by joining hands and yelling, “We’re on Cloud 9!” If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom throwing up.

Later, they head to a rooftop for dinner and Brooks said that his family took it really hard when he broke up with the last guy girl he was dating. Desiree tells him that they need to come up with some adjectives to gauge their feelings for one another because they feel like they’re somewhere between ‘like’ and ‘love’ right now. Desiree comes up with “skipping, jogging, running and finish line.” Um…none of those are adjectives. None.At.All. But Brooks is super excited about it, and tells her he’s at the “running” stage with his feelings for her. She says she’s at “jogging.” I’m just confused.

The next day is Chris’ 1-on-1 with Desiree. He tells us he really wants to take her home to meet his family next week. They walk out of the house and as soon as Chris notices that all the guys are spying on them from the hotel room, he makes Desiree hold his grimy mitt. Desiree tells him that they’ll be spending the day alone on a yacht. After going to the nose of the boat (or whatever it’s called) and romantically clinging to each other (“I’m flying Jack! I’m flying!”) Chris starts to rub sunscreen all over Des. It just gets awkward because he’s seriously pawing all over. Save it for the freaking Fantasy Suite, ya nasty! No one wants to see that!

After getting her all lubed up, Chris tells Desiree that there’s something he wants them to do. (Good Lord, I’m sure there is after that freak-nasty scene. Hope he brought the Trojans!)

However, it turns out what he wants to do is have them write one of their signature crappy poems together and then stuff into it a bottle and throw it into the ocean. Well, at least some Portuguese fisherman will get quite a hoot out of how bad it is when it eventually washes ashore.

Later that night, Desiree (and her skirt that looks like it was made out of colorful bendy straws) meets up with Chris for dinner at a winery. He’s all sweaty and nervous because he’s planning on telling Des that he loves her. (Of course!) First, Des asks Chris if he thinks his family will like her. (Seriously…how fantastical would it have been if Chris had been like, ‘Well, honestly, probably not’?)

Chris asks if Desiree has taken a lot of boyfriends home and she’s says no. (There’s not a lot of room in her family’s tent, apparently.)

Finally, it’s time for Chris to share his burning love for Desiree with her. He’s written (take a guess) a poem for the occasion and it’s all about how he’s too much of a puss to say “I Love You.” However, he manages to end the poem with those words and Desiree is all excited. Chris is on “Cloud 9” (Oh, wait, that’s Brooks.) He tells us that he’s ready to start the rest of his life with Desiree. After two dates. TWO!!! You seriously don’t even know the real person you’re dating until like six months. Until then you’re still dating the PR rep version of them.

The next day is Des’ 1-on-1 with Michael G. Ugh. I don’t know if I can stomach this dude for the next half hour. Why are we even kidding ourselves here? We all know this guy is getting the boot at the end of the episode. It’s not even a question.

Anyway, they stroll through the streets with no destination (except, of course, all the places the producers have set up dates for them at.) They seriously have no chemistry at all. The conversation gets awkward really fast, and every time it falters, Michael just starts gushing about how perfect Des is.

They share an awkward kiss, and then go down a hill in cart-like thing. Michael compares the experience to the “wild ride” he’s on with Desiree to find love. Ugh. Seriously? Are all of these sappy metaphors really necessary?

Later, they have dinner and Michael starts talking about how his dad left him because he didn’t want to have to pay for his diabetes supplies…or something like that. I’m not really sure because I kind of tuned him out. All I hear is, “Waa waa waa.” Of course, though, somewhere in there Michael manages to insert the fact that he’s falling in love with Desiree.

The following day is the 2-on-1 date with Drew and Zak. They’ve basically been sitting in a hotel all week waiting for a date so they’re itching to do basically anything. They arrive at a go-kart track and learn they’ll all be racing each other. Drew seems like a robot– he’s always kind of a stick in the mud and is about as fun as a root canal. Zak, on the other hand, is really excited and fun, so Desiree seems to be leaning toward giving him the rose.

Drew and Zak race each other and Drew busts out a signature cheesy line. “The adrenaline you feel while racing is just like the rush you get when you fall in love.” Of course it is.

Zak tells Desiree (you guessed it!) that he loves her, while sitting on a pile of tires, as you do. He shows her a sketchbook of crappy drawings he’s done that represents his relationship with her. During his alone time with Des, Drew also reveals that he’s in love with Desiree. His “ability to be vulnerable” earns Drew the date rose, and Zak is devastated. However, he doesn’t have to go home or anything.

That night is the rose ceremony and everyone’s nervous that they’re getting sent home. Chris Harrison has a chat with Desiree before she goes into the cocktail party. He asks if she’s found love with any of the guys. She reveals that she’s in love with Brooks, which I’m pretty sure is the first time any ‘Bachelorette’ has said that post-finale. She also tells Chris that she’s basically in love with Chris (the guy, not the host) as well.

It’s time to crush some dreams. Des says she knows who’s getting the boot. She gives out roses to Brooks, Chris, Zak and Drew, which means Michael G. has a one-way ticket to “Forever Alone-ville.” Michael slunks away and is immediately handed a cell phone in the Pity Limo so that he can call…his mom? “Here we go again” she says after he tells him that he got kicked off. It sounds like this isn’t Mama Michael G’s first rodeo with her son getting dumped.

I’m just happy I don’t have to hear him whine anymore.

Next week…we head to the remaining four guys’ homes, where we can judge their parents’ home decorating and meet a bunch of their creepy relatives. Fingers crossed one of the guys’ dads tries to put the moves on Desiree! That always makes for a good hometown date!

(Photos: ABC)