After months of vase throwin’, rodeo concussion gettin’ fun, it’s time to say goodbye to the girls of Teen Mom 3. Since The Ashley‘s sources tell her that MTV may be pulling the plug on the series, it pains The Ashley a great deal to do what may be the final recap of the show ever. (But, on the bright side, we do have another whole season of Barbara “HIGH! HIGH!” Evans to look forward to. And, let’s be honest, we all like that show better anyway.)

Even though the  reunion aired last week, it doesn’t really matter over here on The Roundup. If MTV can air this crap over a year after it was filmed, The Ashley can be a week late in recapping. This is the recap of one part of the two-part reunion-a-pooloza. Stay tuned for part two.

We kick things off with Alex, who sits down with Dr. Drew Pinsky to discuss her relationship with Arabella’s father, Matt. Alex tells The Silver Fox that she tried her best to make things work with Matt, and that she is not currently getting freaky with Matt or any other guy for that matter. However, she assures Dr. Drew that if she does decide to hop into bed with her “special friend,” she’ll be sure to use protection.

Next it’s time to wheel out Matt, who is sporting some fresh “snake bite” lip piercings and a mohawk in honor of the reunion. Alex comes out swinging (verbally, not literally…we will have to wait until Briana‘s family comes out to get into the Jerry Springer stuff!) She asks Matt why he abandoned his kid, to which he responds that he was too busy getting “High! High! High!” to care about anything else.

Matt reveals that he’s been slamming heroin since the age of 14 (Really!? The only thing I was addicted to at 14 was Capri Suns…and maybe those cool AOL chatrooms– A/S/L, anyone?) Matt says that although he’s clean, he’s not in any position to do anything for his daughter at this point. Unfortunately, he ended up smoking pot about three weeks before the reunion (notice how they don’t actually give a specific date– it makes it a lot easier to cover up the fact that this was filmed so long ago!)

After Matt recounts us with thrilling tales of his life as a homeless woods-dwelling shoplifter, the Silver Fox whips out the “If you or someone you know…” warning about drug abuse which seems kind of dumb. I mean, if the thought of turning into a person that sleeps in the woods under an aluminum blanket doesn’t scare these kids away from drugs, nothing will.

Next, it’s time for Matt to pee on stick (spoiler alert: he’s not pregnant!) to see if he really is clean. Drew tells us that Matt was actually telling the truth and has a system free of the wacky tobaccy, heroin and other assorted illegal substances.

Go on ’round back and fetch yer saddles because it’s time to bring up Mackenzie, who has somehow managed to find the time between “cheernastics” practices to come chat it up with The Doctor. Dr. Drew introduces Mackenzie as having a “tenacious pursuit of love and the family unit.” Wow, he’s good. That’s a hell of a lot better than just saying needy and desperate for ol’ Concussion Boy to love/knock her up again.

After watching Mackenzie’s “journey,” Mackenzie confesses that she “hit rock bottom” (hey– look at it this way–Josh hits rocks basically every time he “rodeos.” And he’s doing just fine!)

Drew digs deeper and Mackenzie reveals that there was a whole lot we didn’t get to see on the show. Apparently things between her and Josh got so bad that they starting “seeing” other people. (Which is basically code for “jumped in the back of a pickup truck and boned any Tom, DICK or Harry that told her she had a purty smile.) Mackenzie defends her actions by saying that Josh wasn’t giving her the pickle tickles attention she needed so she had to go find another cowboy to meet her needs. (Those “cheernastics” gals have a lot of energy– if you know what I mean!)

Drew’s not buying Mackenzie’s crap and immediately calls it out that Mackenzie “seeing other people” was actually just her cheating on Concussion Boy. It’s OK because Josh got to bone some other chick after he found out that some other dude was putting his pony in Mackenzie’s stable. Dr. Drew’s face is priceless during this scene. You can just tell he wants to run back, grab baby Gannon and save him from these two immature lunatics.

Mackenzie says that after banging dating this other guy for two weeks, she missed Josh. (I’m sure she couldn’t wait to get back in his arms and smell his sweet scent of chewin’ tobaccy and brain damage.) Mackenzie says it’s hard for her because she keeps making stupid mistakes and her whole family is saintly and doesn’t pull crap like this. Drew tries to use the excuse, “Well maybe it’s because of your diabetes…” but we all know the truth: she’s dumb as bricks.

Luckily, she’s still in high school so there’s still hope. She also says that things with Josh have never been better! They bring Josh up on stage and for once his eyes are actually open! (Who knew the kid even had pupils?!) He also has some weird side fade/baby bangs going on with his hair. (Maybe Devoin gave him a new ‘do backstage?)

Anyway, Josh says that Mackenzie’s cheating broke his heart and assures us that he’s a changed man. Drew even comments that Josh is “neurologically” so much better now than when we saw him on the show. (I think that’s Drew’s way of saying, “You’re slightly less brain-dead than you were before and finally able to string together short sentences.”)

Drew mentions that Josh’s “disconnection” and spaced-out looks were all because of pills and head trauma. Wait, I’m sorry…what? Concussion Boy is a pill popper?! Keep him away from Matt! Good Lord, it must have looked like Studio 54 backstage at the ’16 and Pregnant’ Season 4 reunion special with all these druggies!

Josh reveals that he plans to give up rodeoing for Mackenzie and Gannon. He then plants a big, mouthy kiss on Mackenzie and it lasts a little too long and makes us all feel awkward. He says he plans to be a state trooper and is going to start college. They are still planning on getting married. (Spoiler alert: they got married this past summer…and Mackenzie is knocked up again.)

Next they bring out Mackenzie’s mom, Angie, who I’m sure was thrilled that her Bible study women’s group will be able to watch her daughter talk on national TV about how she boned random guys. Angie arrives wearing a fashionable scarf that she probably got as a gift when she went to Bangladesh to help baby orphans or something.

She plops down next to Mackenzie and Josh and Drew begins to drill her about why she didn’t want Mackenzie to get on birth control. Angie says that she wasn’t against birth control, she was against pre-marital sex. Um…seriously lady….your daughter had a kid at 16, is on a show that celebrates unwed motherhood and just admitted to banging two guys in the two weeks that she and Josh were broken up…I think that “abstinence” ship has long sailed.

Angie says that Mackenzie should not be pregnant again until she and Josh finish college and Mackenzie swears that there will be “no more babies!” Um…this is awkward.

Angie says she didn’t really know that Josh was addicted to pain killers. (I guess she thought he was just dumb like the rest of us did.) She also says that she thinks Mackenzie and Josh should get married soon. With that, Drew throws in yet another “educate yourself about teen pregnancy” pitch and tells Mackenzie that he’s excited to see where she ends up.

Um…back in the maternity ward, unfortunately!

After Mackenzie’s segment, they do the awkward “Ask each other weird questions” part. Everyone is wheeled back out onto the stage (except for Matt, who is suspiciously absent from the segment. Maybe he was shaving those weird three lines into the side of his head so he’d fit in better with Josh and Devoin?)

Alex says that Matt is still not allowed near their daughter, which is why he isn’t allowed on stage when the babies are brought out.

With that, they bring out the babies and it’s time to go! The Ashley will be recapping the other half of the reunion which features Katie, Briana and Briana‘s mother’s shoe. Stay tuned!

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