Welcome to the “exciting season premiere of The Bachelor!” I’ll be your host as we navigate (and poke fun at) Juan Pablo Galavis’ journey to Dancing with the Stars  find love! Since Juan Pablo is the series’ first “El Bache-lor” there will be a lot of making fun of his broken English, so if you’re not cool with that, I’d suggest you jump ship now.

I’ll wait…

Now that it’s just us crappy people aboard, let’s get on with recapping this madness! Although this was supposed to be a two-night premiere extravaganza, the first night was completely useless (read my thoughts on that here). This was the episode we had all been waiting for: the creepy limo exits, the sloppy drunks and the girls crying alcohol-soaked tears!

Juan Pablo is looking for love. To find it, he’s suited up in his best pink V-neck tee (as you do) and has headed to Los Angeles. Of course, because he’s a father, they’re dragging his whole family, kid included, out to LA to go on this “journey” with him. (Nothing like writing your kid’s school a note asking for her to be excused for five or six weeks so she can hang out in California while her dad bones 27 women on a reality show, right?) OK, to be fair, he’s not going to bone all 27, it’s probably only going to be, like 19.

Anyway, as per usual, they drag out the previous ‘Bachelor’ to advise  Juan Pablo on how to find lasting love on reality TV. Since the last ‘Bachelor’ was Sean Lowe, who’s getting married in a few weeks to the chick he met on the show, it actually makes sense. First, Juan Pablo and Sean try to decide what Juan Pablo should call this experience. “A yourney?” JP asks. Sean puts ‘yourney’ in his handy-dandy Ricky Ricardo’s Guide to Broken English phone app and discovers JP is trying to say ‘journey.’ He agrees.

Next, Sean reminds JP that most of the people that go on this show are complete whack-jobs so he needs to be careful. He advises him to choose a girl that he can do ‘regular stuff’ with and not get caught up in the craziness of it all. It’s actually fairly good advice. Then he tells JP to try to take off his shirt as much as possible and I lose any respect I had for him.

After Sean departs, we follow Juan Pablo into the shower (must we do this every season, guys?!) and watch as he puts on his tuxedo to get ready to go meet the ladies. After bidding farewell to his daughter Camila, he heads over to the Bachelor Mansion, where Chris Harrison is waiting for him.

It’s finally the moment we’ve all been waiting for: it’s time to meet the women who are desperate to find reality show fame true love.

First we meet Chelsie, a perky blond who enjoys stopping random Mexican women in the street to try to get them to teach her Spanish so Juan Pablo will like her more.

Next is Renee, a single mom from Florida who likes roller blading and looking at herself in a bikini. She is hoping she and JP can create some sort of ‘Brady Bunch’-type family.

Andy is next. She’s a lawyer who likes to wander through gardens pondering why she’s still single. (Um…probably because you spend your time wandering through gardens pondering why you’re still single…just sayin’.)

Next we meet Amy, who claims to be 31. Let’s just say “claims” is the key word here. She looks a little long in the tooth (in more ways than one, actually!) Anyway, she is a massage therapist that’s hoping to rub JP.

We also get to meet Nicki, who is a pediatric nurse that looks like what would result if Denise Richards and Jessica Simpson somehow had a love child.

Lauren is next. She tells us the sad story about how she got dumped by her fiance before they had a chance to get married. They film her longingly clutching her wedding dress and engagement ring. What the hell, lady? You could be selling that crap on CraigsList right now! They probably told her she had to hold onto the ring so, if it works out with JP, she can dramatically throw her old ring into the ocean on the day of his proposal. See, I should write for this show!

We meet Lacey, who started her own elderly care facility at age 19. While I find this completely impressive, I can’t help but wonder who in the hell would leave their elderly relative in the care of a freaking 19 year old? She can’t drink legally but she’s allowed to manage some poor old lady’s blood pressure meds? ‘Merica!

Anyway, now that we’ve met a few of the ladies, it’s time for the limo arrivals! All of the girls have clipped in their best (but still terrible) hair extensions and slapped on a sparkly dress from the “Young ‘n’ Modern” department at Sears and are ready to meet Juan Pablo!

First out of the limo is Amy, followed by Cassandra, a former NBA dancer who’s pretty to look at but appears to be dumb as bricks. She’s pretty much lost on what to say after “Hi.” Juan Pablo, however, doesn’t seem to care what she has to say. (“Juan Pablo wants to make sex now?” he probably asked off-camera.)

Since JP isn’t allowed to “make sex” yet (all of the girls have to have arrived before we can break the condoms out– everyone knows that!) the limo arrivals continue. Next is Christine, who tries to bribe JP into picking her by bringing a beaded bracelet for his daughter. (It’s amazing what you can find at 7-11 these days, ain’t it?)

Nurse Nikki is next. Naturally, she’s really trying to play up the “naughty nurse” stereotype. She whips out her stethoscope and listens to JP’s heartbeat. Kat emerges next. She tells him she’s a “dancer.” (Hmm…perhaps of the ‘exotic’ variety?) She asks JP to give her salsa dance lessons, which he does. He then tells her that she smells good. Um, obviously, she does. Everyone knows that strippers always smell like vanilla! It’s like a law!

Next is Lucy, a girl who calls herself a “free spirit” and arrives without shoes. She’s followed by a few people in ugly ass dresses whose names I can’t remember. After that, we meet Lauren, who decides to ride in on a piano. AS.YOU.DO. Apparently she’s a “music composer.” (Um, yeah, me too. I always make up creepy songs to sing while I’m taking a shower. That doesn’t mean I’d ride in on a freaking piano though!) She decides to play a song for Juan Pablo but ends up messing up, which makes me extremely happy.

After they cart her off, the third and final limo arrives. It carries Chelsie, who tells JP that, because she’s a science teacher, she’s going to perform a science experiment on him. (Good thinking, girl! Always check for STDs before dating someone! Who knows where his chili pepper has been!)

We next meet Ashley, a first grade teacher who uses a sex kitten voice the entire time she talks to Juan Pablo. I’ll bet she drives her poor students’ fathers crazy during parent/teacher conference week!

We also get to meet Kelly, who emerges from the limo with her dog! She’s listed as a “dog lover” (that’s code for “unemployed”) and has brought her pup Molly. Well, I’ll give Molly one thing– her hair looks better than most of these chicks’ on the show!

Out next is Sharleen, who apparently signed up for the show because it would give her an excuse to rewear the horrible frock she bought for her aunt’s funeral in 1995. Seriously, this dress is bad…Michael Jackson bad. The color, the fit and even the way it just hangs on her body tell us that she doesn’t have a mirror…or any friends because no one would let their friend go on national television wearing that horror-fest!

The next girl out of the limo is Clare, the chick we’ve been seeing in the previews. She arrives pregnant. (Ack! Even on ‘Bachelor’ nights The Ashley can’t escape writing about young pregnant girls!) Luckily, it’s all a ploy to look cute (she doesn’t) and get attention from single dad Juan Pablo. Spoiler: she’s not really pregnant but she is really pathetic.

After all the girls have arrived, JP heads inside to chat with some of the ladies. Renee, the single mom, is the first to snag him. She and Juan Pablo form a bond over the fact that neither one of them use condoms and now they have kids. Renee says she had a shotgun wedding because of her pregnancy. Aww, save it for the wedding day speeches, guys!

Lucy gets some alone time with him next. She’s creeping me out. She’s all up in Juan Pablo’s grill putting her dirty feet all over him. He looks horrified and you can tell that she’s one of those chicks that uses that crystalized deodorant they sell at Trader Joe’s so she probably smells like the underside of a wet dog.

He’s then assaulted by Amy, the elderly massage therapist. She just happened to bring her massage table with her and basically throws poor JP on the table and starts telling him that they’re going to get married, all while her boob is dangerously close to popping out of her horrible gold dress. Meanwhile, Juan Pablo is trying to pretend to be dead so she’ll leave him alone.

It’s around that time that Chris Harrison arrives to drop off the First Impression Rose and all the girls start cackling about which one of them is going to get it. Elise manages to grab JP next. After speaking with our Latino hunk for just a few minutes, she excitedly tells the camera that she’s “in love at first sight!” Really?! I just…can’t…

Of course, one of these creepcicles is already crying. Lauren H. is over in the corner blubbering that she “just wants that time” to spend with Juan Pablo. Don’t worry, Lauren, I’m sure it will only take JP a few minutes to realize how needy and creepy you are. No need to cry. She’s dragged some other poor girl out to the patio and is making her listen to that story about how she got dumped.

She seriously wails for a good 10 minutes in the corner, all while another girls grabs Juan Pablo and shows him a photo she’s carrying around. It’s a picture of him and his daughter Camila, with a hole cut out in the middle. She tells him that her face belongs in that hole. Nope…nothing creepy about that at all!

Next he goes to hang out with Sharleen, who for some reason he keeps calling “Sardine.” He puts a coat over her shoulders so he doesn’t have to keep looking at her horrible dress. He seems to like Sardine so he runs inside and grabs the First Impression Rose. While he’s gone, Sardine tells the cameras that she’s not really feeling Juan Pablo. When he asks her to accept the rose, she just stares at him and blurts out, “Seriously?” You can tell she’s totally considering pretending to break her ankle so that she can escape this awkward situation, but in the end, she agrees accept the rose.

Naturally, the other girls are pissed that sullen Sardine got the rose instead of them.

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony! The first girl to get a rose is Clare, the pretend-pregnant girl. (She had already aborted her baby bump in the bathroom, apparently, because she was slim by the time of the rose ceremony.)

Nurse Nikki and Single Mom Renee also get roses, as well as Alli, the lawyer. Is it wrong I want him to give just the dog a rose and call it a night?

Chantel gets a rose, because, you know, diversity is important. My guess is she’ll be out in the next round, however. The piano player, Lauren, also gets a rose, as do Kelly (and the pup!) and the NBA dancer Cassandra. Danielle and Chelsie also get flowers.

What happens next is possibly the most awkward thing to happen on ‘The Bachelor’ in years.

Juan Pablo calls “Kat” next but redhead Kylie, who’s standing in front of Kat, thinks he called her name and excitedly steps forward to grab her rose. If you’re wondering how the hell “Kat” can be confused with “Kylie,” watch this. You can totally understand why the poor girl thought he called her name.

When Kylie realizes her mistake, instead of slumping off she mortifies herself even more by asking, “Can you take us both?” O…M…G….Guuuuuuurl!

Juan Pablo (like the rest of America) just groans and closes his eyes. He closes his eyes and you can tell he’s trying to think WWSD (What Would Sean Do) in this situation. He decides not to answer her question and we soon find out why: there is no rose for Kylie. When she realizes that she’s going home, she utters “I think I’m going to throw up!” (That makes two of us!)

It gets worse…she stands there with her lip out, pouting until Juan Pablo comes over to her and says goodbye. Also leaving us is Lauren H., the crying girl. Well, look at it this way, Lauren, at least you have yet another thing to blubber over.

That leaves us with 18 girls who will bite, scratch and cry it out in hopes of winning Juan Pablo’s heart this season! The Ashley will be here every week to recap it all (unless the show gets so boring that she slips into a coma).

To read The Ashley’s recaps of other shows, click here!

(Photos: ABC)