Not gonna lie…The Ashley‘s mouth is still hanging open in surprise/disgust over what happened on Monday night’s Bachelor finale. Chris Harrison has said it so many times before, but, honestly, never has there been an episode of ‘The Bachelor’ that was so dramatic and surprising. (This even topped Desiree‘s shocking “settle for second best” finale!)

Let’s get right to it because we’ve got three hours of crap and cockiness to wade through! The Ashley apologizes for this one being a little long, but, hey, they gave me three hours of great material to work with!

Juan Pablo is down to his final two women: nurse Nikki and sultry seawater sextress Clare. JP is having a hard time deciding which lady he wants to play “lickey lickey” with forever. (Or at least until their dramatic, made-for-People-magazine breakup in a month or two.)

Anyway, Chris Harrison is coming to us live from a studio so that we can watch the final episode together and get boring commentary from audience members we don’t know or care about.

ABC has flown in as many of JP’s relatives as possible to “help” him make his decision. Camila, along with JP’s mother, father, sister (and her kid) and a few assorted cousins have all made the trip to St. Lucia to meet his potential brides-to-be. (And suck down as many free Mai Tais as humanly possible in a a three-day span, obviously.)

Juan Pablo tells us that he likes Clare a lot and that the physical attraction between the two of them “is on fire.” (Much like Juan Pablo’s loins after going three rounds in the Fantasy Suite a few days prior.) Clare arrives to meet the family, and is immediately trying to get on Camila’s good side, but the little girl is totally not having it. She looks a little confused, because this isn’t the “special friend” that came to her dance recital last week. Camila wants to know who this new broad is.

Clare extends her hand to Camila for a shake, and Camila straight-up slaps it away. Clare tries to cover it up by pretending like Camila was trying to play a hand-clapping game. Don’t even try, girl, we all saw you get bitch-slapped by a four year-old.

Clare goes to hang out with JP’s mother and is trying to pump her for info about her son. His mom says that JP is hyperactive and that he has “so energy.” (Yup, he demonstrated that in Vietnam!) The mother then tries to warn Clare about Juan Pablo, saying that he can be rude as hell and that he has made her cry before. Yes kids, our hero makes his own mother cry. That would have been enough for me to get the hell out of there. For some reason, however, this makes Clare even more excited to pursue a relationship with him. W…T…F….

Next she sits down with JP’s dad. He does that creepy thing that a lot of old men do where they hold your hand while they talk to you. If that’s not awkward enough, he starts to tell Clare really inappropriate things: that he loves her (um?) and that she will always stay in his mind. He also said that his “doors are open.” So basically, this guy just told Clare that if it doesn’t work out with JP, come see Big Papi.

Finally, it’s time to shuttle Clare off property so that they can bring in Nikki. She arrives and JP introduces her to the family and you can tell that Camila is just completely over this whole mess. She refuses to talk to Nikki, but at least she doesn’t assault her.

Nikki gives JP’s dad some pageant-ready answers to questions he asks her. The father tries to tell Nikki that his son is a selfish know-it-all but Nikki thinks he’s kidding. (Ha ha, oh, girl, just you wait…)

Next, she chats with JP’s cousin, who tells her, in nicer words, that his cousin is totally the type that likes to “hit it and quit it.” Nikki says that’s fine because she’s looking forward to fighting with Juan Pablo. W.T.F. Are we in the Twilight Zone here?! This dude’s own family can’t find a nice thing to say about him, yet these girls are clueless.

After his date with Nikki, JP tells the camera that he likes both girls and that he would like to keep them both. Sorry, Juanny P., but there’s no “collect them all” option. What a scuz.

We then jump back to the studio, where they have wheeled out some happy ‘Bachelor’ couples from the past. Sean and Catherine are there and they’ve also collected Desiree and Chris. Wait– where are Trista and Ryan? They never miss a chance to creep their way onto our television screens. Did they get snowed in or something? It just seems unnatural without them there.

After a few nauseating moments with the alumni, we jump back to St. Lucia, where JP is about to have his last date with Clare. They set out on a helicopter (finally– why did it take an entire season for them to get their ‘copter on?!) They share a magical ride over the ocean and all is going well until JP can’t keep it in his pants for even a few moments.

Apparently, Clare and JP had a few camera- and audio equipment-free moments while the helicopter was landing. Clare expected him to use the time to proclaim his undying love for her (which he isn’t allowed to do on-camera until the proposal.) Instead, our hero told her this.

When recounting the incident for the cameras, Clare tells us that his comment made her feel disrespected, cheap and awful. They don’t show the rest of their date, but instead, flash to Clare crying in her hotel room over the comment. JP arrives moments later and when she opens the door, Clare refuses to let JP man-handle her as usual. She sits him down and demands to know why he said something so sleazy and JP looks clueless.

Clare tells him that she wants a guy that likes her for more than just what she can do in the ocean bedroom. JP says he doesn’t care about the physical part of their relationship (while ironically trying to touch her ass on the couch, as you do). He then tells her that there are a lot of things about her that he doesn’t like. (They show a shot of Sharleen‘s face as she watches the clip from the studio audience. Something tells me that, had he said that to her, he’d still be picking the Lee Press-on Nails out of his eyeballs.)

Somehow this sleaze goblin manages to turn everything back around on Clare, and eventually gets her believing that there’s nothing wrong with him, and that it’s actually her that’s causing the problems. You can totally tell that there’s a battle going on between Clare’s brain and her ticking ovaries about what she should do, but eventually the ovaries win and she starts giving JP “besitos” and all is well.

Juan Pablo is not done spreading his rude comments (and/or whatever communicable diseases he may be carrying). It’s time for his last date with Nikki. She arrives half naked, so he’s totally thrilled. He can barely keep his mitts off her long enough for them to board the boat they’ll be sailing on for the day.

Once on the boat, JP is a complete dud when it comes to conversation, as per usual. After they awkwardly talk about the weather for a while, JP leans in for the “besito” to pass the time.

They dock on a beach, where Nikki asks what they’d be doing if they were together and back at home. He says that they’d probably lay on a bed and watch TV. (Um…with your kid and your mother? Nothing says romance like trying to make out to an episode of ‘Dora the Explorer!’)

Later that night, JP goes to Nikki’s room. Their conversation is just painful to watch. He literally has nothing to say. “It’s almost over,” she says. “Yeah, it is,” he replies. Good Lord. He has the personality of a potato. A sweaty, horny potato.

She tells him that she loves him and, of course, he doesn’t say it back. It gets all awkward because she’s literally just staring at him and waiting for him to say it back and he’s just silent. She leaves the bedroom disappointed. (Better get used to that honey!) After he leaves, she sits on the couch and sobs. Waa.

The next day is proposal day. JP heads to the island where the final encounters will take place. Clare arrives first, which is almost always an indication that she’s not “the chosen one.” Usually the first girl to arrive is the one getting the boot. Hopefully one of the producers has explained to him that he cannot have both women.

Clare approaches JP and, of course, he has nothing to say so she just starts rambling on nervously. She tells him how much she loves them, how special what they have is, etc.

Finally Mr. Personality starts talking, telling her how amazing she is and thanking her for being here. (You can collect your parting gifts at the door!) Finally he gets down to business. He tells her that “some peoples” have to go home, and says that she’s not his chosen one.

Clare is shocked and hurt and JP tries to give her a hug. (I hope he wasn’t trying to kiss her, but with this creep you never know!) Clare pushes him away and decides to unleash all of her feelings on him. She tells him that he’s a cad for not telling her the night before that she wasn’t the one and that he basically assured her that she was his final girl. She brings up all the girls that have left him on the show, and when he tries to interrupt her, she tells him to zip it because she ain’t done!

Go girl!

Finally she tells him that she wouldn’t never want a creep like him being the father of her children and spins around and works that sand on the way back to Chris Harrison! JP stands there stunned, and mutters, “Whew, I’m glad I didn’t pick her!” Classy as always.

Nikki arrives a few minutes later. She tells the cameras that she knows it’s her and that she can’t wait to be engaged. She approaches him and thanks him for letting her stick around. (Um?) She basically begs him to propose to her and then tells him she loves him. He legit tells her, “Thank you” and then rubs salt in the wound by saying, “There’s so many things I love about you.”

She is just standing there stunned. He proceeds to tell her that her dad told him that he couldn’t propose if he wasn’t positive. He’s not positive he wants to marry her, but he’s positive he doesn’t want to stop making out with her, so he offers her a cruddy rose.

He even tells her that, although he has a beautiful Neil Lane ring in his pocket, he’s not going to use it. Ouch. He does, however, assure her that he likes her a lot.

Nikki looks hurt, but accepts the stupid rose anyway and then lets JP jam his tongue down her throat. He tells her not to be cranky. This is romance at its finest, people!

We jump right into the “After the Final Rose” segment. Chris Harrison seems stunned by what we all just witnessed. First he brings out Clare, who says she’d prefer it if they didn’t bring out Juan Pablo because she’s done with him and his sleazy comments. (Thank you, Clare, for not subjecting us to 10 more minutes of “Es okay.”)

After Clare leaves, they bring up JP, who starts talking about how he loved “doing it.” (We think he’s talking about doing the show, but…) Chris H. tries to interject and JP just screams, “Um, can I talk?!” (Scroll to the 2:00 mark to watch JP get all bitchy!) Everyone in the audience, and even Chris, is just stunned at JP’s rudeness.

And it gets worse. So much worse.

He defends the sexual comment he made to Clare, telling us that it was a personal conversation that started in the Fantasy Suite. (Um…technically it started in Vietnam, didn’t it?)

Then they bring out Nikki, who is smiling like a Stepford Wife and going on about how happy she is. She says she’s still in love with Juan Pablo, and Chris asks if he’s in love with her also. “I don’t know,” she says. “We express things differently.”

Um, yeah, he uses his penis to show emotion.

She says that, while he doesn’t tell her he loves her, she knows he does by his actions. They bring out JP and he says that he “feels fantastic” about Nikki.

Chris keeps trying to get him to say how he feels about her and JP is dancing all around the question. Finally, Chris just straight out asks him if he loves Nikki and JP gets all defensive and says that he’s not answering that question. Meanwhile, Nikki is still smiling that dead-behind-the-eyes grin.

They flash to Sean Lowe in the audience and the look on his face is priceless. He looks like he’s hyperventilating. Chris throws it to Sean and asks what he makes of this situation. Even Sean the Sunshine Kid can’t make a positive out of this crap heap. He says that he couldn’t wait to tell Catherine that he loved her, and that he and JP are two very different people. He literally looks like he needs a stick to bite on during this segment. Or to hit Juan Pablo with.

Things are going from bad to worse. JP has reach new levels of asshole-dom and Chris Harrison looks just exhausted. Juan Pablo keeps defending each jerky thing he has said/done by claiming he “was just being honest.” Finally, Chris can take it no more. They are about to go to commercial break and Chris just walks off the set. He, like the rest of us, can’t stand another moment of Juan Sleazo.

When they return, Chris tells us that “they are clearly in love…well, Nikki’s in love and Juan Pablo is not.” Best. Harrison. Line. Ever. He still has to interview them, so he asks what’s next for them. JP gets all defensive and says that they want to keep their plans private. Says the guy who had sex in the ocean on national TV! He then proceeds to slam Chris, the show’s producers and the media for attacking him.

Chris asks Catherine what she thinks of JP’s behavior and she’s trying her best not to be rude. She tells him not to bite the hand that feeds him. (Of course, someone has to explain what that means to JP.) Juan then says that they are “so done” with the show and time will tell how “real” their love (or not love?) is.

Chris has had enough. He tells them, “Well you guys have smiles so…good on you” and then says that he’s not exactly heartbroken that this season is over. InTheFace.

Somewhere, Jake Pavelka is smiling because he is no longer the most hated ‘Bachelor’ of all time.

Oh, and they bring out Andi, who’s the next Bachelorette. Her announcement was kind of overshadowed by Juan Pablo’s rudeness, but The Ashley’s excited for her season to begin.

That’s it for another season of ‘The Bachelor!’ Tell The Ashley what you thought of this crapfest in the comments below!

(Photos: ABC)