Before we start, The Ashley needs to apologize to her trash-TV-lovin’ pals for not doing a recap of last week’s episode. We missed some big moments (Jenelle announced her pregnancy to Jace, and Smirnoff Suzi made her return!) but hopefully this recap will make up for it, because, according to my DVR guide, a new Teen Mom 2 cast member will be born on this episode, and one of these creepgoblins is going to get tased! Babies being born and bolts of electricity going through someone’s body?! This is like The Ashley’s Christmas, y’all!

Anyway, the episode kicks off in Delaware, where Javi and a very pregnant Kail are trying to get their baby’s room ready because he is due next week. Although at this point they don’t know it’s a boy (Oh, um, spoiler alert?) they choose to paint the baby’s room a dark shade of blue. Apparently, Javi’s lacking in the painting skills department, which Kail says is surprising, being that his family works over at the Sherwin-Williams. Javi just looks at her and refrains from commenting back while she chides him over his piss-poor painting skills. You can tell that he’s cutting her some slack because she’s about to push his firstborn through her hoo-ha.

Over in South Dakota, Adam makes an appearance at Aubree’s preschool pageant and, to ensure he exudes the highest level of white trashdom, he brings his other illegitimate child, and dresses like someone that is about to be featured in a jailhouse lineup.  The whole gang has gathered to watch Aubree’s performance– Randy, Chelsea, Other Chelsey, Megan. South Dee-ko-tah Mary is also there and, for some reason, is doing some heavy-duty flirting with Adam.

“I didn’t even recognize ya!” she cackles. “I like that beard!”

Geez, Mary, relax. Did ya just get out of prison?

Making his first non-blurred-out appearance on the show is Adam’s dad, Vern. Apparently, after five seasons, he’s gotten over the shame of having his degenerate son on a show about teenage parents and has decided to allow his face to be shown.

Aubree goes on stage and everyone pulls out their phones to record a video that no one will ever watch again. Afterward, Chelsea and Adam fight in front of Aubree while making a paper plate snowman.

In West Virginia, Leah is still fighting with Jeremy and it’s driven her to drink wine and/or Kool-Aid from the fancy glasses someone bought her from The Wal-Mart as a wedding present. Jeremy is home from his New Mexico job, but is apparently angry over a few text messages that Corey sent to Leah about missing her.

Leah says that she’s tired of Jeremy screaming “DIVORCE!” every time they fight. (It’s kind of like Adam screaming “COURT!” whenever he wants something from Chelsea.) Jeremy says he doesn’t like that Corey texts Leah about things that don’t have to do with the girls. “It starts with the girls….[and ends with some heavy petting behind the grocery store]” she tells him.

Jeremy says that he’s tired of Corey trying to get Leah back because, frankly, he’s had a bunch of chances. The days where Corey could smack Leah with a slab of bacon are over and it’s Jeremy’s turn. (And, just a side note but isn’t Corey married too? I’m sure his wife is just thrilled to watch this conversation. That girl is way too hot and way too sweet to be wrapped up in this white trash soap opera.)

Leah assures Jeremy that he’s the only hick for her and then tries to bring up counseling again. He finally agrees when Leah basically tells him that he either goes or she’s going to let Corey touch her baby-maker again.

Over in North Carolina, Jenelle is now two months pregnant and, like her mom Barb, has a fondness for eating hamburgers while on the go. (“Ya burga always tastes betta if ya eat it while ya drivin’!” says Babs.) They are shipping Jace off to karate class because he’s been a little asswipe lately. They figure if he’s going to hit, kick and yell at someone, it might as well be other little kids.

Jace arrives at the karate studio and meets Mr. Sawhill, who promises Jenelle that he will teach Jace discipline. (Um…can Jenelle stay for a class or two? I’m sure Babs would be happy to pay whatever it costs.)

They get Jace all suited up and Mr. Sawhill tries to explain why hitting is bad. Is it me or does it seem that this guy is preparing Jace for his inevitable future at military school? (To be fair here, I think putting Jace in this class was a good move on Jenelle’s part. Besides, it’s good for Jace to have a positive male influence that doesn’t have bleached blond curly Guy Fieri hair.)

After the karate lesson, Jace comes home and Babs makes a big fuss over him. Barb asks Jenelle and Nathan how they are doing, relationship-wise. Jenelle says that, other than the occasional argument about playing zombies and what not (I mean, who doesn’t have this problem though, right?) they are getting along swell. Babs asks the obvious question: why are you sitting around playing video games all day when you have a child and another one on the way? Why not get a (gasp!) job?

Nathan’s whole body tenses up at the thought of doing something productive. He argues that he “has things planned for the future…and stuff.” (I swear he said that, I didn’t even have to add the “and stuff” this time!) For some reason, Nate’s glowing plan for the future doesn’t impress Barb. She gets especially angry when he mentions that his money is Jenelle’s money and Jenelle’s money is his. Babs seems flabbergasted: I’m sure Nathan, the sometimes personal trainer/underwear model/ pool boy makes a killing and all, but clearly Jenelle is the breadwinner in this relationship.

“Ya not married ta her!” Babs cackles. “She payin’ the rest of the bills!”

Nate gets up to leave and Babs tells him, “Ya can’t own up to anything, can ya? This is my daughta!” Jenelle, meanwhile, is silent throughout the argument. After Nate throws his bitch fit and storms out to the car, Jenelle assures Babs that Nate is rolling in the cash.

“He’s a lia-ar! Every single guy ya have been with has sucked you dry!” Babs tells Jenelle.

Ugh. That’s a horrible, horrible thought.

Meanwhile, Jace is staring out the door, obviously wondering if he should just start walking over to Mr. Sawhill’s house to get away from all these crazy people.

In Delaware, the time has come for Kail to go to the hospital. She’s in labor, and, because it’s late at night and all the cameramen are obviously sleeping off the crazy night they had at the one bar in Delaware, Peach is forced to film the car ride using her phone.

They arrive at the hospital and Kail gets hooked up to the machines and we see her suffering through a contraction. That’s when she must have kicked the camera crew out of her room, because the next thing we see is a shot of the new baby. (Hey, the girl already gave birth on camera once in her life…I think she’s paid her ‘Teen Mom’ franchise dues.)

Baby Lincoln Marshall is a hit with Isaac, who is thrilled to have a baby brother. “He’s a baby!” Isaac says, before insisting that Lincoln is his baby and that his hair is disgusting.

Leah, who, for once isn’t the one popping out a kid, is meeting up with Corey to give him some sweet, sweet loving some papers for Ali’s doctor appointment. Corey arrives and…can we just talk about his massive beard for a moment? I’ve mentioned it in past recaps, but it has truly reached epic proportions by this episode. Seriously, that crap is magnificent. If the beard gets any bigger, MTV is going to have to start cutting it checks.

Anyway, Corey asks if Jeremy is home. Leah says that he is which means they will have to bone in the park bathroom once again. Corey says that five years ago he never expected his life to turn out like this and that the divorce sucks because he doesn’t see his kids or Leah’s vajayjay everyday.

Leah says that she wasn’t miserable when she was with Corey, and Corey agrees. He says it was their pride that caused the divorce, and that it’s hard for his hot wife to deal with the fact that he is always talking to Leah. She then tells Corey that she loves Jeremy but  she’ll be connected to Corey for the rest of her life (just not at the waist). A sexually frustrated Corey leaves to go rub one out behind the Quik-E-Mart as Leah ponders whether or not she’s made the right decision.

In South Dakota, it’s the day after Aubree’s pageant and Megan arrives to discuss how Chelsea no longer feels that burning in her loins when she sees Adam, mostly likely because he’s currently sporting a look favored by serial killers.

Chelsea’s busy working at her new job, and her new boss Adrienne comes in to make sure her mug gets as much camera time as possible. Chelsea tells her that she’ll be taking her state board exams in a few weeks, and Adrienne says that the study guide the school gave her is very helpful. Um, I’m pretty sure Chelsea used that to pick up her puppy’s poop like three weeks ago.

In Carolina, Nathan, the same guy that was just arguing how mature and put together he is, gets arrested for drunk driving. Thank the Baby Jesus that MTV actually went down to the North Myrtle Beach Police Department and got the cop car footage of Nate’s arrest because it truly is a gift from the heavens. We get to watch the cops tell Nate to stay in the car (naturally, he gets out), and to put his hands up (he doesn’t so he is thrown on the ground). Um…can someone call Mr. Sawhill? We have a boy who won’t follow directions!

Nathan finally complies after the cops (who, for some reason, sound like they belong on Mortal Kombat) threaten to tase him. Jenelle goes down to bail her beau out, and takes him out to breakfast afterward. (Nothing’s better than a Moon Over My Hammy breakfast platter when you’re fresh from the slammer!) Nate says that the folks at the jail made him act more professional (um?) and Jenelle agrees. (She is an expert, after all!)

Unfortunately, it took Nate three DUIs to reach this level of professionalism. He now faces up to a year in jail for his crime, but Jenelle isn’t worried. (Seriously, just put her lawyer Dustin on the case. He’ll have Nathan out of jail before Babs can say “Ya a loosa!”)

Meanwhile, Kail has been released from the hospital and is taking baby Lincoln home. Although Smirnoff Suzi was scheduled to come stay at Kail’s house, it appears that the visit is no longer going to happen. While Kail was huffing and puffing a baby out of her lady parts, Suzi decided to have a party with her pal, Jack Daniels, and started sending her in-labor daughter a series of crazy ass text messages. As you do.

Obviously, this means that Suzi has fallen off the wagon (and most likely her bed, and quite possibly the porch) and Kail wants nothing to do with that mess. Kail is disappointed that, once again, her mother has let her down.

They bring the baby into the house and Isaac kills us with cuteness again when he kisses the baby and says “Welcome Home Lincoln!” Kail says she’s determined to give her kids the parents that she never had.

In West Virginia, Leah goes to watch Ali and Aleeah’s cheerleading practice. Um…is anyone else mildly disturbed that the other girls are using poor Ali as a balance beam?! What is this all about? Each girl takes a turn standing on Ali’s back, while Leah, Corey and Jeremy all laugh. (I think Leah and Corey are too busy cuddling to notice what’s happening out there anyway.)

Aleeah refuses to listen to her coach and is put into time out. Leah suggests that they put Aleeah into softball instead, since she has a hard time obeying rules. (Oh, yes, give the disobedient child a bat. That will end well.)

The guys make fun of her suggestion and, later, Leah scolds Jeremy for siding with Corey. Jeremy says that he’s tired of Corey getting all up in his family, and Leah’s like, “Sucks for you.” You know who I miss? Robby. When is he going to make an appearance again?

Meanwhile, Chelsea is at work and decides to have Aubree come in so that Adam’s (non-blurred-out) mom, Donna can pick her up. After work, Other Chelsey comes over to discuss how Adam rarely shows up at his parents’ house when Aubree is there, and Chelsea is worried that Adam’s behavior is going to f**k Aubree up and give her daddy issues. Chelsea doesn’t want Aubree to end up being 21 years old with three kids and two husbands. (Yes, I went there.)

Chelsea finds out that Adam changed his number and refuses to give it to her. Um…so I guess if something happens to Aubree, he’ll just find out on Facebook? WTF is wrong with this dude? Chelsea says that the phone number change is likely the result of Adam’s girlfriend finding out that Adam has been sending penis pics to other girls (cough, Chelsea, cough) and that’s why she made him change it. Chelsea calls him pathetic and Adam rubs it in her face that he has more time with her now.

In Carolina, Jenelle comes over to Casa de Barb to discuss Nate’s arrest. We find out that Nate didn’t blow into the breathalyzer so there is no proof that he was drunk. However, he was still charged with a DUI. Barb wants to know how Nate’s going to come up with the $4,000 to pay off his charges. Jenelle insists he will use “his money” (but wait, isn’t her money his money, according to Nate?)

Meanwhile, Jace is trying to lock himself in the refrigerator and starts crying because Barb won’t give him cheese. Seriously, moments like this can only be found on this crappy show.

The next episode of ‘Teen Mom 2’ will be the 90-minute season sort-of finale. It’s supposed to be a doozy: Adam’s car accident is addressed, Vee moves in with Jo, Ali is having health problems and Nathan wants Jenelle to abort their baby, even though she’s already over three months pregnant.

(Photos: MTV)