Spring has sprung, and there is Pitocin in the air which can only mean one thing: a brand new season of 16 and Pregnant! We’ve waited a long time for this trainwreck-of-a-show to come back into our lives, and, over the past five months The Ashley worked tirelessly to introduce you to the girls that were cast on Season 5. One of the first girls she told you about was Maddy, whose episode we will discuss here.

The Ashley’s previous posts about Maddy will tell you a lot about her and her episode that MTV didn’t show you, but this recap will be written as if this is the first time The Ashley has ever heard of this girl.

On with the show!

The episode kicks off with a cartoon sketch of a pretty blond girl– oh, how I’ve missed these colorless cartoon wonders! We are introduced to Maddy while she and a friend splish-splash in a pool. She lives in a Full House (sans Kimmy Gibbler or any creep Uncle-like characters that live in the basement and do bad Bullwinkle impressions on the regular.) She lives with her mom and an assortment of real and half siblings in Tinley Park, which is outside of Chicago. She has a close relationship with her dad, who lives in the great state of Indiana. (I’m praying to the Baby Jesus that his neighbors are Gary and/or Amber from Teen Mom.)

Maddy’s about to start her junior year of high school. One thing she isn’t about to start? Her period! Because….she’s pregnant!

The story of how Maddy got pregnant reads like a DVR description of a Maury episode: Maddy got dumped by her longtime boyfriend, so she turned to The Internet to find a rebound guy. (She literally said that. Like, how does that even work? You just creep through a variety of local boys’ Facebook profiles, trying to see who has the biggest bulge in their Dickies skater shorts? I’m so out of touch with today’s youth!)

Anyway, her search found her Cody, a strapping young lad that she did the horizontal mambo with an hour after they met. As you do. Although it was only supposed to be a one-time thing, Cody accidentally left some man-juice inside Maddy’s love parts and <boom!> a baby was created and MTV was called!

Now that’s a love story worthy of a fairytale, yes?

Anyway, the episode officially starts in August, when Maddy is 32 weeks pregnant. She is having a girl and is going to name her Aubrey. (Someone’s a Teen Mom 2 fan I see!) Summer hasn’t exactly been stellar for Maddy, what with all the stomach-skin-stretching and swollen ankles and what not. Her friends come over to get their five minutes of MTV reality fame talk to Maddy about how much her life sucks now.

The girls remind Maddy about how sporty she used to be and how perfect her body was before her pregnancy. Maddy barely knows Cody and thinks it’s weird she made a baby with someone she’s hung out with for less time than it takes her friend Karissa to floss her braces. Apparently Cody didn’t believe that the baby was his, but Maddy says it couldn’t be anyone else’s. (That’s just offensive! You think Maddy sleeps with everyone she meets on Facebook?! Come on!)

Cody has agreed to go to Maddy’s doctor’s appointment that week, and it’s the first one he’s ever been to, which means that he’s only doing it because MTV is paying him to finally coming to terms with being a father.

Later, Maddy’s siblings snack on processed meat product while discussing Maddy’s predicament. Cody arrives for the doctor’s appointment and he’s every bit as wonderful as we could have hoped! Although he doesn’t have the sweaty bangs or bowl haircuts of the ’16 and Pregnant’ baby daddies of the past, he is rocking some major rotten chompers, and has the personality of a cardboard box. He attends Maddy’s doctor’s appointment, but looks like he wants to bolt as soon as the ultrasound technician turns the lights off.

The next day, Maddy’s mother is saying she’s having a hard time facing the fact that she’ll be a grandma, considering she just had a baby herself three months ago! Because of the family’s “Full House” situation, Maddy’s mom has decided that Maddy is getting the boot from her house as soon as the baby is born. Otherwise, Baby Aubrey is going to have to take up residence in the bathtub because there is simply now more room in the Full House.

Maddy’s mom tells Maddy that basically her life is over now that she got knocked up and that she’ll never be a lawyer or an interior designer like she wanted. “You make it sound so negative!” Maddy tells her mom. Um…you got pregnant at 16 by a guy who can’t even brush his teeth, let alone take care of a baby, and you have no place to live. I think Mama Bear has a point, no?

Mom had always told Maddy that she would be kicked out if she turned up pregnant, and now she’s making good on her threat. Maddy has a choice between living with Cody or moving to Indiana with her father. “I didn’t choose to get pregnant at this age!” Maddy protests. “I didn’t plan it!”

Aw, yes. This line is reminiscent of the great Jenelle Evans, is it not?

Maddy’s mom won’t budge on her decision, so Maddy decides to try to make it work with Cody. Cody says that she can live with him, and that he’ll sleep on the floor. (To be fair, he probably does that anyway.) Cody doesn’t appear to be worried about anything, and says that his parents will love having a strange girl and their illegitimate grandkid living with them.

Maddy’s father, Brian, however, isn’t so keen on the situation. He doesn’t want his little girl (and her little girl) living with some creepy dude she found on the internet, so he offers her a place in his house. Maddy, however, insists that living with Cody will be a better option. Her poor dad just has his defeated look on his face the entire scene, and you can just tell he’s counting the days until he gets to talk all this over with Dr. Drew at the reunion.

Cody comes over with his parents to discuss Maddy and the baby moving into Cody’s house.

OK, before we get into this scene, it’s time to address the elephant in the room: we have got to talk about those bangs! Maddy’s hairline starts suspiciously far back: is it a wig? Is it a cool new fad that all the pregnant teens are doing? Why the hell is she shaving her hairline?! (Maddy later revealed on Facebook that she had an unfortunate visit to a salon and the hairdresser accidentally cut that part of her hair off, so apparently the best thing to do was to shave the remains?)

Anyway, back to the living negotiations scene. Cody’s parents say that they will turn their dining room into a baby’s room and even Maddy’s mom can’t believe that they are being so accommodating. (She should ask if they’d be willing to turn their porch into a room for a couple of her other kids!)

The parents are hopeful that the kids will be able to make it work, especially because Cody says he wants to be with Maddy. You can just tell that Maddy is totally grossed out by Cody. But, hey, pretending to like him is better than sleeping on a park bench. Sort of. Those teeth are going to be hard to wake up next to every morning.

The next day is Maddy’s first day of school. She doesn’t want to go to school pregnant because her legs will hurt. (Let’s be honest, Maddy. The real reason you don’t want to go to school is because you don’t want to show off that shaved hairline. Girl, I don’t blame you.)

School turned out to be a nightmare, because, in addition to being uncomfortable, Maddy’s the laughing stock of the 11th grade. She seeks solace in her softball friends, and goes to toss the ball around after school. (Um…I’m no doctor, but should a very pregnant woman have someone tossing a softball at her? This seems like an ambulance ride waiting to happen, no?)

Just then Cody calls and tells Maddy, “We should go on a date…like now…or something.” (SERIOUSLY?! This guy was placed in this episode just for The Ashley to make fun of, I swear.) Maddy says this is the first time they’ll ever be going on a date, other than that time they took a trip to the drug store to buy a pregnancy test.

“That’s a date!” one of her friends (who is named Jenelle, by chance) says. The other friend is just sitting there with a terrified look on her face, as she realizes that it could have easily been her with the baby in her stretch-marked belly.

I…can’t….

Because the MTV producers can’t wait for Maddy to finish her girl talk session, Maddy bids her softball pals farewell to go out with her knight in shining armor. They head to a place that advertises “Pizza and Grinders.” (Well, we already know Cody and Maddy have that “grinder” part down!)

Cody asks Maddy if “now that we’re on a date, are we closer to dating now?” I’m sorry, what now? I think that he’s trying to say that because he bought Maddy a soft drink and a grinder he should get to be her boyfriend. What else do you want, Maddy?! This is fine Italian cuisine.

Anyway, the date goes downhill fast when the subject of Aubrey’s last name comes up. Naturally, Cody wants Aubrey to have his name, but Maddy refuses because he hasn’t given two craps about her or the baby for months. He later apologizes for being a jerk, so Maddy agrees to come over and talk about their future. Cody’s parent’s have already planned how the baby’s room will be, and Maddy is getting kind of snarky because she doesn’t like how the baby’s room will be configured. Um, these people are changing their house’s structure to keep you off the streets. You should be happy if they offer you a closet to live in.

The next day, Maddy goes into labor. (Grab your Pitocin shots, y’all, it’s baby time!) She and her mother head to the hospital, and Cody meets them there. Maddy is struggling with the pain before the epidural. At some point, MTV must have gotten the boot because we don’t get to watch her squeeze a crying ball of human from her loins like we used to get with this show. Boo. That’s the best part.

Anyway, Cody spends the night at the hospital after the baby is born, but he sleeps through Aubrey’s crying. (It’s amazing how well you rest when you’re high as a freaking kite!) We get to watch Cartoon Maddy and Cartoon Cody fight about Maddy giving Aubrey her last name, and then we get to watch some handheld-camera-shot footage of them arguing about it. (What, were the cameramen busy snacking on Jello at the hospital cafeteria?! What the hell guys?)

Finally, they get to take the baby home to Maddy’s house and they discuss how hard it’s going to be. I have no clue what they all talked about during this scene because I can’t stop staring at Maddy’s hairline. I think they were talking about furniture and/or what a f**k up Cody is.

Maddy only has two weeks until she gets thrown out of her mom’s house, and things haven’t exactly been going well. (Maddy has, however, found an assortment of headbands to cover her horrific hairline, so at least that’s improved.) Cody has been a no-show since Aubrey came home from the hospital, and Maddy is starting to rethink her decision to move into his parent’s den.

Baby Aubrey is fussy, and every time she cries, Maddy’s mother’s baby starts crying too. If I were Maddy’s brother, I’d offer to give up my room and go beg to live in Cody’s parent’s den. The noise in this Full House is enough to drive a person mad.

The next week, Cody is still missing in action, but Maddy’s sassy friend Cathy arrives to have the producer-prompted talk about where Maddy’s relationship with Cody stands. (Um…isn’t it pretty clear by now that Maddy got humped and dumped?) Sassy Cathy is sad to hear that Maddy isn’t returning to school for her senior year. She tells Maddy, “You see what happens in two minutes, Maddy.” I think Sassy Cathy is being extremely generous to Cody. If that kid got two pumps in before spewing his love juice, I’d be shocked.

A few days later, Cody is still not helping (and Maddy’s bangs still aren’t growing.) It’s almost time for Maddy to move in with Cody, but they are still not getting along. Cody finally calls to check in on Aubrey and Maddy understandably gives him major ‘tude. Since the option of moving in with Cody doesn’t seem to be working, Maddy heads over to her dad’s in Indiana because she’s rethinking his offer to move in.

Brian seems to be a smart guy (and he’s actually pretty witty: he says that Maddy moving in with a guy she can’t stand sounds like a bad ’70s sitcom. Good one, Bri!) Maddy decides that she wants to move in with her dad, but she’s worried about telling Cody’s parents that they reconfigured their house for no reason. Maddy texts Cody to let him know and Cody has to break the news to his mom, who is literally putting the finishing touches on the baby’s new room. She’s understandably upset. (But I have to ask– why didn’t Cody’s parents ask where the heck the baby has been the last few weeks? Didn’t they find it odd that their son had not called or visited his daughter all that time?)

Cody doesn’t seem all that broken up about Maddy’s decision. Hey, it all worked out for the best. He ended up getting another girl knocked up, so all of that baby stuff went to good use!

A week later, Maddy is packing up her room (and tearing down that fancy zebra wallpaper). Her mother seems relieved to have her house emptied out a bit. She’s literally juggling infants as Maddy is packing her stuff up.

Maddy’s dad Brian arrives to pick up Maddy and Aubrey, and we see that Brian has basically devoted his entire downstairs to Maddy and Aubrey. It seems like she got a pretty good deal.

After a while, even big Cod makes the long journey to Indy to see his kid. It’s the second time in two months that he’s seen Aubrey. He holds her for about 30 seconds and then you can tell he’s looking for the door. (I think he was only there to clock minutes on camera so he could get his MTV check.)

“We’re stuck with each other for like 18 years so we’re gonna have to work something out,” he tells Maddy.

I think we have our new tagline for this season of ’16 and Pregnant,’ kiddies! See ya next week!

Click here to read about some of the other girls we will meet during the fifth season of ’16 and Pregnant!’

(Photos: MTV)