Howdy kiddies! It’s time to venture back into the world of underage pregnancy. However, before we get started, The Ashley must give you fair warning: this recap will probably not be filled with The Ashley’s usual dose of piss, vinegar and snarky jokes about the people featured on this episode. The Ashley feels bad for the girl featured tonight. Her mom’s in jail, she’s knocked up and she appears to be surrounded by batsh*t crazy people. (It sounds a lot like Catelynn Lowell‘s episode of ’16 and Pregnant’ back in Season 1, actually. But at least we had Catelynn’s stepdad Butch to marvel at. However, if someone in this episode has a mullet, all bets are off!)

Let’s get started, shall we?

Today we meet Millina, a girl from Michigan who’s got a drug-addicted mom (who, might I say, looks like the party pal of Catelynn’s mom April?) who has been in and out of the slammer for the last five years. She does, however, have a “fun dad” who, for some God forsaken reason is still sporting the same haircut worn by the middle Hanson brother in the 1990s. He is described as flaky, which probably means that he’s good for the occasional “pull my finger” joke but not a whole lot more.

Luckily, Millina doesn’t have to live with Middle Hanson, because her grandmother “Nan” has taken her and her little brother, Moses, in. Of course, Millina’s crapcan childhood had an effect on her— she dropped out of high school to “spend a lot of time in the rave scene.” Wait—raves are still a thing?! Like, kids seriously still wear furry pants and beaded necklaces and go to those things? I thought raves died right about the same time Dawson’s Creek went off the air?

Anyway, Millina’s paaaaartyin‘ paid off: amongst the glowsticks and kids getting “HIGH! HIGH!” on E she met her boyfriend, Trevor. He’s a muppet-like character who loves to get his rave on. He also likes to get his unprotected hump on because–spoiler alert!–Millina’s pregnant.

The episode starts when Millina is seven months pregnant with a baby boy that will be named Kayden.

Since Millina’s mom, Rachelle, is still in the slammer, the only way she can get updates on the baby is via phone. Rachelle is able to hear Kayden’s heartbeat, thanks to a weird stuffed bear that somehow picks up the baby’s heartbeat. (That’s just plain creepy, sorry. When the baby is born, does the bear still monitor him? It may come in handy for when Kayden’s a teenager and you’re trying to spy on him. Just sayin’!)

The next day, Millina heads to “Bad Brad’s BBQ” for inevitable diarrhea dinner. She chats with her pal Haley, and they have the required “How did you find out you were pregnant” talk that’s required to be on every episode of this show. Millina tells us that she didn’t want to get on birth control because she didn’t want to get fat. (Seriously, pharmaceutical companies are you listening? All you have to do to sell your birth control pills is call it NoFat and have commercials featuring sexually active skinny girls. The lines outside of Planned Parenthood will stretch for miles!)

Haley asks Millina if she will be back out partying after the baby is born. (Geez, lady. Way to be a good influence on your pregnant and life-f*cked friend. What, do you need a ride to the next rave or something?! What a dick.)

Millina says that while she misses her party lifestyle, she doesn’t want her baby to go through what she’s had to go through with her drugged-out mom.

Next we meet Trevor’s “emotionally unstable” mother, Tina. In addition to being nutty, Tina also has random seizures and is really judgmental of Millina’s family. Yes, by all means, let’s spend as much time as possible with this loon. However, Millina is trying to get along with Tina out of respect to Trevor.

We get to see Tina’s instability come out right away when Millina brings up her concern that Tina could have a seizure while she’s watching Kayden. Tina immediately flips into crazy mode, screaming that they’re going to need her help, etc.

Luckily, Millina has a stable adult figure in her grandma, Nan. However, Nan isn’t too keen on raising yet another child, which leaves Millina in a pickle. Later that day, Millina sits down with Trevor to discuss what their future is going to look like. Trevor offers to come over to Millina’s house to take care of Kayden at night, although he’d prefer to have the baby living at his house. (Hold up– a ’16 and Pregnant’ baby daddy that actually wants to parent his child?! I don’t even know how to process this. It’s so rare. It’s like seeing Haley’s Comet or something.)

The next day, Haley comes over and Millina talks about her mother’s quick downward spiral. We get to see a photo of Rachelle before drugs and after and, frankly, it’s pretty frightening. Millina heads to Rachelle’s court date and gets some bad news: her mother’s bond was denied, which means she will not be getting into treatment and will, therefore, be in jail when Kayden is born.

To cheer herself up, Millina meets up with her father, Steve. They go out and throw a frisbee in a field (that looks frighteningly like a cemetery). Millina asks her dad what kind of relationship he wants with Kayden.

“I know I’ve had problems with things in the past. Drugs, alcohol, abuse…” he says. Clearly Millina’s dad is also prone to making poor choices (one look at that haircut is all the evidence we need to confirm that!)

He says he’s not like that anymore (he went to therapy, y’all!) and that Millina and Trevor should steer clear of all the grownups in their lives. (Actually, that’s pretty solid advice.) In particular, Steve thinks Millina should keep her baby away from her and Trevor’s crazy moms. He thinks the baby would be safer hanging out in his house van than at Trevor’s house.

Later, Millina gets a voicemail from Tina that says “We’re moving.” Trevor explains that Tina and his family are planning to move into some weirdo’s basement and she wants to know if Millina wants to join the mooch parade and move with them. (I’m sorry…what?!) Although they will be basement-dwellers after the move, they will be living in a space that’s three times the size of Trevor’s current house. (It will, of course, have no windows and smell like mildew but, you know, whatevs.)

For some reason, Millina isn’t thrilled to move with them. (Go figure!) Trevor was hoping Millina would be a basement dweller with him because he wants her and the baby to be there every night when he comes home from work. (Wait– he has a job too?! This is crazy!)

The next day, Millina goes over to Trevor’s house to talk to Tina. She tells Tina she isn’t ready to move into the basement with them. Tina then tells Millina that since Millina’s mom has “problems” she doesn’t want the baby around her, and that she wants the baby living with her in the basement. Millina brings up the fact that Tina has strokes and she doesn’t want to leave Kayden alone with her.

Tina busts out the crazy again, screaming that she’s been “the best damn mother in this room.” (Um…to be fair, she’s the only mother in the room. Millina is still pregnant and, as far as I can tell, Trevor isn’t capable of being a mother since he’s, you know, a boy. Maybe she was bashing the camera operator’s mothering skills? I don’t know.)

Tina starts screaming and cursing that there’s no one in the world that wouldn’t trust her with their baby. Oh yes, by all means, leave the kid with Queen Crazy. That seems like a healthy solution all the way around. Seriously, Millina and Trevor should take Millina’s dad’s van/house and get the hell out of LooneyVille.

The baby must like the drama, because later that night, Millina goes into labor. She and Nan head to the hospital. Tina also arrives and is staying out in the waiting room while Millina huffs and puffs the baby out. Once again, MTV doesn’t get the money shot, and we see Kayden’s birth through a series of snapshots. Seriously, they need to rehire the camera crew that worked on this show during Season 2 and 3. They never missed a birth– they basically were in the stirrups catching every Pitocin-covered moment of birthing goodness.

Anyway, after the baby comes home, Millina and Trevor chat about the birth. “If Kayden’s anything like his dad, he came out of a woman and will spend the rest of his life trying to get back in one.”

Ew. I just got that. And…ew.

However, Trevor says he’s been cured of his hankering for the sex due to what he saw when Millina was birthing the baby. “After what I saw, I’m good,” he tells her. “Watching your vagina going from a pretty vagina to Stargate kind of changes the ball game.”

We should just end this recap with that quote. Seriously, this episode will not be able to get any better than that.

Later, Tina keeps calling Millina but Millina refuses to answer. Trevor finally calls her and asks why she’s ignoring his mom. I mean, why wouldn’t she want to answer the phone and get yelled out by Crazy McLooneyToon?

As if she doesn’t have enough to worry about, Millina has to go to her mom’s court date. She and Nan bring the baby so Rachelle can see him for the first time. We see that Rachelle’s done gotten herself a new prison buzz cut. (Well, she only shaved the sides because she’s still a lady, of course.)

Anyway, Rachelle pleads to the judge to let her out of prison so that she can go to rehab. The judge is skeptical and, knowing that MTV cameras are rolling, he plays hard ball and sentences Rachelle to 200 more days in jail.

Millina, who’s wasted no time in getting a giant tattoo on her arm in honor of Kayden, is having trouble getting a hold of Trevor after their fight, so she and her friend go to get their nails “did.” Millina shares that Trevor hasn’t come over more than a few times since Kayden was born.

Millina finally brings the baby to Trevor’s house. (Her dad, Steve, tags along, but is probably there just to see what he can mooch from Trevor’s mom’s fridge.) Millina tries to work out her problems with Tina, who says that Millina isn’t “sharing” the baby and is making excuses as to why the baby hasn’t come over.

Tina and Millina’s dad both blame Millina for getting Kayden sick. In the next breath, Tina tells Millina that she’s “offering you my love.”

This woman is craaaaazy…run, Millina, run!

The next day, Millina and Trevor try to work out the problems that their families are causing between them. She tells him that she wants him to spend time with Kayden. She also tries to make Trevor see why she is steering clear of his crazy mother. Trevor suggests they take a break from their relationship and focus on parenting. In the end, she says she’s sad that the baby is going to grow up in a broken home.

She says that she plans to get her GED and has high hopes for her mother, even though she plans to never end up like her mother.

To get an update on how Millina is doing today, click here!

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ’16 and Pregnant’ starring Autumn, click here.

(Photos: MTV)