Hi kiddies! It’s time to prepare yourselves for double the teenage pregnancy fun because on this episode of 16 and Pregnant, we’re having twins! Yes, twins! Not since Season 3 have we seen two babies pop out of an underage baby-maker. Although The Ashley has been seriously slacking in her recapping efforts (she will do her best to catch up on the episodes she missed before the end of the season) she could not let this episode slip by without ‘capping the crap out of it.

The episode kicks off in Utah, where millions of Mormon girls roam in search of their Prince Charming in a bike helmet, white shirt and tie. Unfortunately, Karley wasn’t exactly looking for a nice Mormon boy to sweep her away. She preferred bad boy Tony, a street ruffian with stretched ears and tattoos.

Since he “always struggled with his homework” he decided that, instead of getting tutored, he’d just drop out of high school. He should have no problem getting a job, however, because the employers will be lining up around the block to hire him. Not only are his homemade tattoos awesome, but he also has the personality of a Styrofoam brick.

Tony will soon have two more names to tattoo onto his body because…Karley’s pregnant…with twins!

Before the MTV crew came a-knockin’ (but not before Karley got knocked up) Tony married her in a small, courthouse ceremony. He now works as a mechanic and lives at Karley’s parent’s house. Unfortunately, Tony doesn’t exactly get along with Karley’s mom, a handsome woman named Syndee (with two “E’s” because she’s fancy.)

Karley and Tony have decided to name their twins Amariah and Amayah. (Or something like that. If these kids learn to spell their own names before college, I’d count that as a success, no? Both names sound like ingredients you’d use to make a spice cake– 1 tsp. Amayah and a dash of Amariah.)

Anyway, Syndee reminds Karley how disappointed she is that Karley decided to let a pickle-tickle from Tony get in the way of her dreams of attending the University of of Utah. Karley tells her mom that she’s worried she won’t be a good enough mom. Her mom basically agrees with her. Thanks, Ma!

Karley says that Tony doesn’t like taking advice from anyone and, frankly, I can see why. A high school dropout with a teenage wife and two kids on the way probably has it all figured out, right?

He’s not happy living with Karley’s family, and is mad that he has no personal space to tattoo himself, prune his tiny red mustache hairs and be a general loaf. #MoocherProblems

Because of this, Tony and Karley try to stay out of the house as much as possible. They go for a walk and the background is honestly so beautiful. Usually on this show, when the kids do the typical “walk so we can talk about how we got into this mess,” the background is of some trash pit of a neighborhood, that, if you look close enough you can see a used-up woman standing on her porch with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and/or assorted street youth collecting discarded hypodermic needles for reuse. This episode, however, has a beautiful view of the snow-covered mountains. It just feels unnatural.

Tony said that when Karley first told him she was pregnant, he thought she was just saying that because they were fighting. When he found out she really was with child children, he decided to stick around because he knew she couldn’t raise them on her own. Karley beams with pride as he says this, of course.

Tony then points out that he and Karley are “like, really different.” She used to go to church and he is a caffeine-guzzling bad boy who shunned the ways of the Latter Day Saints.

“I was a good student and you…” Karley says before trailing off. She was literally two seconds away from calling her husband a nitwit on national TV.

The next day, Karley hangs out with her friends, Becca and Britananani (or something like that.) They have missed hanging out with Karley because she has been unable to go to school because she has two human beings lodged in her baby-maker. Their entire conversation is lost on me, however, because the whole time I have been staring at the large red dot between Becca’s eyes. I have concluded that one of two things is happening here: she either has the largest zit ever to surface on a teenager’s face, or she is trying to bring back the bindi craze of the late 1990s.

Becca is also kind of a bitch. She asks Karley if she still plans to go to college and become a teacher and Karley says she will still go to college in a year but it will have to “like, be online or something.” Becca straight-out just says, “Wow. That’s really sad.”

Um, thanks friend. Geez.

If it weren’t for Karley and her aversion to birth control, MTV wouldn’t be paying for Becca’s fried food combo and milkshake. The least she could do is throw a few kind words to her friend on camera.

We then learn that Karley and Tony had been humping sans protection for a long time before Karley finally got knocked up. We also learn that Karley and Tony’s relationship is “like, harder” now that they are married, especially because they are living at Karley’s parent’s house.

Later, Karley, Tony and Syndee go out to a clearing in the brush (as you do for important conversations) and discuss Karley and Tony moving out. Tony has a solid plan for his future.

“Financial-wise, I’m not gonna worry about that stuff because I’ll worry about that when it comes,” he tells Syndee. “I’m not a worry person.”

At that moment Baby Amarillo and Baby Amazonilla just vowed to not come out of Karley’s stomach for a least three to five years.

Karley and Tony head over to Mustard Seed Realty (yesss) to see how much it would cost to rent a house that’s as cheap as possible. Karley tells the real estate agent (who is honestly doing her best not to laugh throughout this whole interview) that Tony makes about $1,100 a month. The real estate agent says that in Tooele, Utah (their town) it would cost about $600-$800 a month for a two-bedroom house.

Hold up. That’s for a two-bedroom house?! In Southern California that amount of money would probably only get you a good spot on the cement and a sturdy cardboard box to sleep under. If you could find a two-bedroom house in Los Angeles for under $1,200 a month, you’d probably have to be OK with having a large chalk outline of a body in your living room and bloodstains on your floorboards.

Anyway, the kids realize that Tony’s job isn’t going to cut it.

“I don’t really stress about it,” Tony says.

The next day is Karley’s baby shower, and apparently all the attendees are trying to steal Karley’s thunder by showing up on crutches. There are seriously like five girls hobbling around the shower. See kids, this is the long-term effects of too much twerkin’.

Karley opens all the gifts as Tony sits next to her wishing he was anywhere but cooing at a bunch of baby clothes with a bunch of hens.

The next month, Karley is still wearing the same purple top she’s been wearing the whole episode. She heads to the doctors without Tony. He has a good reason for missing his wife’s doctor’s appointment though: He had to get work done on his tattoo. At the tattoo shop, Tony is having “Family First” inked onto his body, and is explaining to the local thugs in the parlor how nothing comes before his wife and future kids.

The irony of this scene, which takes place while he is missing his wife’s baby doctor appointment to get tattooed, is not lost on The Ashley.

Later, Tony mocks all of the clothes that they got for the twins at the shower and basically tells his 9-months-pregnant wife to get a job.

Um…who exactly does Tony think will be watching these kids while Karley is slinging milkshakes at the Tasty Freeze? Good thing Tony isn’t a “stress person,” or he’d have a lot to worry about.

Tony says it really pisses him off that Karley won’t get a job because it means that he has to keep living with Karley’s parents. W.T.F?!?!? Karley brings up the fact that if she does go to work, their parents will have to raise the twins. Tony shakes his head no.

I mean, come on Karley, you can bring the twins to the Tasty Freeze and breastfeed them while working the drive-thru! She can just put them up on the counter and change their diapers while taking orders. How inconsiderate of her to think to stay home after giving birth to twins, when Tony is unhappy living somewhere for free. The nerve of someone people!

Soon, it’s finally time for Karley’s baby bomb to explode. She’s in labor, and is in horrible pain because one of the babies is breach. The hospital scenes are shot via handheld camera, and soon, Karley is given a C-section. We don’t get to see the birth, but do get a montage of photos and video of the kids post-birth. Karley’s dad is given the task of writing the babies’ names on the dry-erase board in their room but is totally confused as to how to spell baby Azailia and Amoxicillian’s names, so Karley has to help him.

The twins are adorable, but because they were early, they have to stay in the hospital for a while. After four days, the girls are big enough to come home. The double crying immediately starts, and the family’s dogs are going crazy with the noise. Tony heads off to work ASAP, leaving Karley with two puking, crying and crapping machines to handle on her own.

After two weeks, Karley is struggling to get her schoolwork done while trying to take care of both babies. Luckily, Syndee is willing to help after she gets off work. Tony helps with the babies at night, and is finally realizing how good  he and Karley have it, living for free at Karley’s parent’s house and having help with the babies.  Just when we think he is starting to come to his senses, he throws Karley a curveball.

He tells her that he’s considering buying a truck. This gem seats three people and costs $1,000, and, shockingly, Karley is not thrilled that he plans to blow all the money they’ve been saving on a truck that will only benefit him. He says if he wants something, he sets his mind to it and gets it.

Karley, of course, is angry because she always puts the family’s needs in front of her own needs, but Tony isn’t willing to do that. He then busts out the “I’m making the money” line, which makes Karley burst into tears. She’s mad that he throws it in her face that she can’t make money.

Later, Karley leaves the twins with her mom so that she can see Becca and Brittaanili. Tony, meanwhile, goes to hang out with his stepdad, who tells him that he’s being selfish by buying a truck. 

Karley goes home but Tony has disappeared. She can’t find him because…he’s off buying his truck! He doesn’t answer the phone because, well, his “new” truck is basically a lemon and won’t even start after he hands over the money. He finally gets it working and laughs about how pissed Karley will be when she sees the truck.

(Seriously, is anyone else having Corey and Leah flashbacks here?)

He pulls up to the house and announces “Guess what! I bought the truck! Buckle up baby!” (He legit said that.) Karley tells him how angry and disappointed she is. Tony gets angry that Karley is yelling at him for buying it. She said it was disrespectful and that she can’t depend on him. That makes Tony upset and he gets up to leave, handing Baby Arizona to Karley. She tells him to leave her some money because the babies need food and he tells her to kiss his ass.

It’s really just a beautiful scene…a real Kodak moment.

Tony stays at his mom’s house that night, while Karley and her parents talk about what happened. Syndee is bothered by what Tony did, especially since they’ve been paying for everything for Tony’s kids. He comes home that night and Syndee is waiting for him. She listens to him complain about living there, and finally swoops in for the kill like a bat out of hell.

She calls him out for being ungrateful mooch, and he offers to pay $300 a month. She comes down from her perch and Tony complains about how hard he works, which sends Syndee storming into a fit of rage.

He tells her she’s crazy and to shut the f**k up, and Karley kicks him out. He leaves her with a middle finger and Syndee starts screaming “I hate this!” in a pitch only audible to dogs and large birds. Karley is left standing in the middle.

Syndee starts wailing like an injured rhino and ends up causing herself to hyperventilate. Karley is mortified, knowing this was all caught on camera and will soon be shown to millions of creeps like us.

Tony eventually comes back and tries to explain that he lives his life “day by day” and Karley tries to explain to him that his philosophy just ain’t gonna work now that they’re parents. Tony says that he’s going to sell the truck, which makes Karley happy.

Later, she tells us that she regrets not going on birth control, and that mothering two babies (and a husband) is not easy. Sad music plays as Karley talks about what she’s missed out on, while Tony sadly puts a “For Sale” sign on his beloved truck.

Next week, we will meet Aleah, who is dating a guy with two warrants and another kid from a previous relationship. This should be spectacular!

To read more ’16 and Pregnant’ Season 5 episode recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)