Well, it’s official: The Ashley sucks at keeping up with her 16 and Pregnant recapping schedule. There are so many pregnant teenagers on MTV these days, it seems that The Ashley just can’t keep up! If you have seen an episode this season that hasn’t been recapped by The Ashley and you want her to do it, be sure to tell her on The Twitter here. (She’s taking requests!)

Anyway, tonight on The Maury Povich Show, er…’16 and Pregnant’…we meet Savon. She’s having a full-on “You are…not the father” moment because she’s found herself knocked up by a guy that’s not her boyfriend. (Seriously, don’t you just hate when that happens?)

Savon (that’s pronounced Sa-vaughn, just FYI, not Save-on, like the drug store) is a teenager from Georgia that lives with her fabulous Aunt LaDonna and her cousins. She’s planning to go to college on a basketball scholarship. Oh, and don’t worry about her post-college plan because she’s got that all figured out…she’s planning to become a singer.

There is one problem, of course. Her voice sounds like that sound your steering wheel makes when it needs steering fluid and you’ve ignored it for like two months. But–have no fear–she gets a ton of practice singing into her hairbrush.

When she’s not hairbrushing her way to international singing stardom, she’s hanging out with her boyfriend Mauwi. (That’s pronounced Maui, like the island, by the way.) He’s in college and is supportive of Savon’s singing dreams. Things are going great except for one tiny problem—Savon has some other dude’s spawn growing inside of her.

That’s right, kids. She’s…pregnant…with this other guy’s baby.

So, apparently, before she and Mauwi became “Facebook official” Savon got pumped and dumped by some dude named Eli, who left a few rogue sperm inside Savon’s lady parts before he took off. After Savon discovered herself pregnant and alone, her friend Mauwi suddenly became a lot more attractive to her.

Anyway, Savon’s Aunt LaDonna apparently shares Savon’s love for totally ridiculous lipstick shades, because both ladies are sporting some lip shades that should only be worn if you are dressing up for Halloween, or if you are one of those imitation Barbie dolls that you find at the Dollar Tree. 

Savon tells us that she planned to abort the baby because it was Eli’s and she “didn’t have no attachment” to it. Aunt LaDonna isn’t one to support “the abortion” but mentions that she thinks it’s worse to bring a baby into the world that you can’t afford to feed. (Re: she can’t afford to feed). Savon says she wishes she had sat down and given Mauwi a chance to spew his man juice into her to be her boyfriend first, before boning Eli, who had no interest in her at all.

Savon also tells us that she and Mauwi haven’t had sex yet and now that she’s preggo, she has closed the Lady Bits shop up for good. Wait–let me get this straight: Eli got to do the “Fun Dip” with Savon and then bail after he got her in trouble but poor Mauwi gets left with some other dude’s kid and a girlfriend with a firmly clamped chastity belt?!

Something tells me we’re going to see this guy on the news in the near future. He’s going to snap one day and they’re going to find him in LaDonna’s bathtub, naked, dazed and slowly ripping up a pack of condoms and a photo of Eli.

Mauwi acts like he’s totally cool with the whole deal, and Savon says she never thought she’d find herself in this position. Um…you probably should have thought of that when you were in that other position, underneath Eli!

He brings up the fact that he is starting school, football and work next week, but he’ll try to come back and visit “as much as possible.” Sounds promising.

Apparently, Eli is a pretty awful guy, who treats all girls like crap (but it’s OK, according to Savon, because “he don’t know no better.”) He’s also got a whole litter of other kids that he doesn’t take care of, so the chances of Savon getting any help/financial support are pretty much slim to none. Sorry, honey, but the only thing you’ll ever get from him is that baby…oh, and possibly some sort of body herpe.

Savon said she knows it wasn’t Mauwi’s spawn because they haven’t “been intimate” yet. 

Anyway, the next day is Savon’s last day at school. Since she’s so pregnant, she plans to take “those online classes and stuff” and sit home and eat noodles. It is really sad when your day revolves around Ramen. (Hey, look on the bright side, Savon. Now that you’re home during the day, you can probably watch ‘Maury,’ which means you’ll probably get to see Eli again. I’m sure one of his other baby mamas will eventually drag him on down to the studio to do a paternity test a la Povich!)

Aunt LaDonna makes it very clear that she ain’t planning to play mama to Savon’s baby. She says she’s not buying diapers, she’s not babysitting and she’s not doing anything (but wearing her purple lipstick and being fabulous, of course.)

So if Aunt LaDonna’s not supporting the baby…and Eli isn’t supporting the baby…and Savon has no job to support the baby then…either that baby is going to be naked and hungry, or ol’ Mauwi is going to be flipping burgers 20 hours a day to support a kid that’s not even his.

The next day, Aunt LaDonna (who has piled on an epic amount of neon purple eyeshadow for the occasion) advises Savon to omit the fact that she’s pregnant when she goes into places and applies for jobs. Um…the girl has a belly that’s the size of the state of Nebraska…I hardly think she’s going to write that bulge under her sweater off as gas bubbles!

She throws her coat on and she heads to all the local eateries to apply for jobs. She waddles into a music store and as the guy is talking to her about the job, he’s trying his best to not keep glancing at her giant stomach. (He’s failing miserably, by the way.) She tells him she wants a “relaxing” job. (Apparently working at a store where people are playing loud musical instruments ALL.THE.TIME. is relaxing?)

Aunt LaDonna is highly skeptical that anyone is going to hire a nine-month-pregnant girl, and she’s even more skeptical that Savon will finish her online classes. Later, Savon tells her friend that she is planning to never have sex again, given her last terrible experience with “the sex.”

Speaking of not having sex, Mauwi arrives at Savon’s house to discuss what’s going to happen after the baby is born. Aunt LaDonna wants to know if he is planning to act like the baby’s father. She wants to know what their plan is for six months from now. Savon and Mauwi stare at her blankly, which tells Aunt LaDonna that this relationship isn’t long for the road.

The next day, Aunt LaDonna loans Savon some money to buy some baby shower supplies. Savon has to host her own party, apparently. After Aunt LaDonna forces Savon to hula hoop in the store aisles, they go home and decorate for the baby shower. Savon’s pals come over and play weird games and it’s not that interesting so we move on to the next night, which is date night for Savon and Mauwi. Apparently, things go a little too far and it makes Savon anxious. She and Mauwi talk about the issue the next day.

“So you ain’t tryin’ to have sex or nuthin’ after the baby pops out?” he asks her with an almost desperate look on his face.

“Nope,” she tells him, essentially crushing any hope that he can one day be the one to impregnate her. “I’m traumatized.”

He basically lays it out on the line, telling her he’s in college, playing football and has the “females” all over him all the time. Essentially he’s saying that unless Savon unlocks her chastity belt, he’s going to let all of the Whorey McGiveItUps have a piece of his unused man meat.

Savon brushes off his requests to have sex but use condoms, and then tries to bust out the “Well, I wanted to wait until I got married to be intimate.”

Really?! REALLY?! Girl, that ship sailed the moment you dropped your Hanes Her Ways for Eli. And stop calling it “being intimate!”

Savon’s aunt is out of town, Mauwi’s at school, and there’s a giant ice storm so…it’s the perfect time for Savon to pop out her baby! She goes into labor and her cousin has to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital. She’s stuck lying in the hospital bed, with only Cousin Phillip to hang out with her/hold the camera.

She starts to push and soon, baby Eden is born. (It’s a boy, by the way.)

Aunt LaDonna finally arrives (looking like a backup dancer for Janet Jackson circa 1993) after the ice storm passes, and she is pleased to see that Eden is a very handsome boy.

“We don’t make ugly babies,” she tells the baby. Oh, LaDonna, I love you.

Apparently Savon texted that rotten Eli and let him know that he now has (yet another) child running around the earth but he didn’t seem to be too worried about it. (He’s probably trying to figure out who the hell she is.) In fact, Eli didn’t even text Savon back.

A few days later, they leave the hospital and head back to LaDonna’s house. She finally lets Mauwi know that she birthed a child, but says she doesn’t have any time to deal with him. He keeps calling and she keeps ignoring him because she doesn’t like that he’s not Eden’s father. (UM!?!?!??!)

She finally invites him over and it’s all weird and sad and creepy. Mauwi says he feels like they are growing apart. Um…well your girlfriend just passed the child of another dude through her loins, and has been ignoring you for like a week. Yeah, I’d say that you’re not exactly where you’d like to be in your relationship.

Savon says she doesn’t like the pressure of being in a relationship. Oh, Mauwi. Run. Run, run, run far away from this whole hot mess!

He’s very understanding (and is probably relieved to be rid of her). All of those “females that be trying to hit on” him are probably glossing up their lips right now trying to get a piece of Mauwi.

Later that night, Aunt LaDonna has her hair all done up because she is going out, honey. Poor Savon will be sitting at home, eating ice cream (are they all out of ‘noodles?’) and feeling sorry about what’s happened to her life.

What follows is possibly one of The Ashley’s favorite moments of reality TV…ever.

LaDonna kind of rubs it in Savon’s face that she can’t go out because she had a kid. Well, to be exact, she tells her she can’t go out and “shake it.” She then tells us that, “It’s ass tonight, Sheba!”

Who’s Sheba, you might ask?

Um, well that would be LaDonna’s butt. We know this because MTV supplied the butt with its torn-notebook-name thingy! She then proceeds to give us a small sample of what she and Sheba will be doing in ‘da club’ that evening.

LaDonna tells Savon that she’ll get her a “Sheba” one day when she’s older, but until then, she’ll have to deal with the “Little Susie” that’s currently “back there.”

WTF am I watching?!

Oh, the reality TV gods are smiling down on The Ashley tonight!

While LaDonna is out “Sheba-ing” the night away, one of Savon’s friends comes over to meet Eden and visit with Savon. The producers prompt the friend into asking questions about Mauwi and it’s just totally awkward. Like, the girl is possibly the worst question-asker in ’16 and Pregnant’ history. She needs to watch some Teen Mom 2 and see how Jenelle Evans‘ friend, Trashbag Tori, has mastered the producer-prompted questioning.

Anyway, Savon finds a job at a local pizza place and her friend agrees to babysit while she’s at work. She’s falling behind with her schoolwork and is exhausted. That night, Eden keeps her up until 3 a.m. (Aunt LaDonna should be coming in from Cougar Night at ‘da club any minute now…)

The next day, Savon sits down with Aunt LaDonna to discuss how depressed Savon is with her life. Savon says she has no feelings about the situation except that she’s disappointed with how her life has turned out.

A month later, she decides to go see Mauwi, and a yellow-eyeshadowed Aunt LaDonna agrees to watch the baby. Savon and Mauwi go to the park to chat and Savon talks about how she wants to pursue basketball and music. (Get your hairbrush and start practicing, girl!) They discuss their former relationship and talk about how they are always going to be friends. They are then attacked by a gang of geese. (Just start singing, Savon! That will get them to scurry in a hurry!)

In the end, Savon talks about how many things have changed since she got pregnant, and how she wishes she had gotten pregnant by a guy that actually stuck around.

Want to read more recaps of ’16 and Pregnant’ Season 5 episodes!? Click here and here and here!

(Photos: MTV)