Just when you thought you had said your final goodbyes to the girls of Teen Mom 2, the reality TV gods (and the MTV execs that realized what a goldmine this sh*tshow is) have decided to gift us with an entirely new season! While they aren’t calling this Season 6 (for reasons The Ashley explained a while back), that’s essentially what it is, with a bunch of new episodes that follow the lives of Chelsea Houska, Kail Lowry, Leah Calvert and Jenelle Evans.

Anyway, let’s get started. The faster we blow through Leah, Kail and Chelsea’s parts, the faster we get to Babs!

The episode starts off with a quick recap of last season’s drama. We start off with Chelsea, who tells us that she was able to get a loan to buy a house. I’m sorry, whaaaat? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are endless banks that are just lining up to loan a pile of money to a single young girl who didn’t have a job until about a month ago, but WTF?

The Ashley is happy that Chelsea was smart and used her MTV money to buy a house rather than “the weed” but, come on! Let’s call a spade a spade. She got the house because of her ‘Teen Mom 2’ money.

How many other single teen moms can just buy a big  house, no problem? They really need to have one of those disclaimers running at the bottom of this episode, like the ones they have for diet pills. “Results not typical. Most teen moms can expect to live with their parents until they are 30. You should have called MTV when you found out you were knocked up. Sucks for you”

Anyway, until her palace is ready, she’s staying with her dad, Randy. They discuss the mischief that Aubree’s father has been getting in lately. Apparently Adam, that fearless felon, decided to hightail it down the highway at 100 miles an hour and blindside two poor little old people going on their Sunday drive. (Hey, he had no choice! The liquor stores were going to close in a few minutes!) Adam’s car burst into flames and he was pulled from the wreckage by a person passing by (who apparently hadn’t see the episode of 16 and Pregnant where he calls baby Aubree “a mistake.”)

Randy reminds Chelsea that, had Aubree been in the car with Adam, she probably wouldn’t have escaped alive, which frightens Chelsea. Aubree isn’t allowed to drive in Adam’s car because of the accident, and Adam is facing jail time for what he did.

Next, we check in with Kail, who is exhausted from raising both kids. Jo comes to pick up Isaac and sees Kail holding baby Lincoln. “Is that Lincoln?” he asks Kail. Um..no, Jo. It’s just some kid she found while shopping at Babies ‘R’ Us. She saw him in the shopping cart and just had to have him.

Isaac doesn’t want to go to Jo’s house because he wants to stay with Kail and Javi. Jo offers to put Kail in the trunk and take her with them to New Jersey. (Ummmm? Are ya gonna hog-tie her to, Jo? I love the look Javi gives Jo when he says that.)

Isaac is still reluctant to go, but they eventually convince him to go with Jo. Afterward, they talk about how awkward it is that Isaac doesn’t want to go with his dad.

Next, we see what Leah’s been up to since we last saw her. We immediately notice that Aleeah has gained a new name on her “ripped paper thingy.” She is now “Aleeah Grace.” Her middle name was undoubtedly added because millions of ‘Teen Mom 2’ fan have been wondering for five seasons who the hell this Grace kid is that Leah is always talking about. So there you go.

Anyway, both Leah and Jeremy took new jobs. Leah is working at a tanning salon and Jeremy is working closer to home, so that he doesn’t have to leave his family for weeks at a time. (This, of course, was one of the causes of his marital problems with Leah and, of course, what led to The Great Bacon Caper of last season.)

Leah awkwardly crawls into Baby Adalynn’s crib, as does Jeremy. (Good Lord they make those things strong these days! Well, kids are getting fatter so it makes sense.) They use their crib meeting to talk crap on Corey, who hasn’t put in any effort to get Ali her new wheelchair.

Finally we check in with Jenelle (and Babs!) She’s still legally married to Courtland, the Cold Sore King, because North Carolina doesn’t allow people to divorce until they’ve been separated for a year. Of course, Jenelle isn’t one to wait to do anything so she says she “wanted to start a family right away” with her new boyfriend, Nathan. (I would love to be there at the table when the guy that has to write the girls’ voice-over scripts was trying to figure out a nice way to tackle this hot mess!)

Jenelle, who is now very pregnant, is back to being friends with Amber. Jenelle quickly fills her in on the last months’ events, and Amber looks like her head is spinning as Jenelle is explaining how great of dad Nathan will be, despite his recent arrest, the fact that he’s controlling, has three DUIs and doesn’t have custody of his existing daughter.

It sounds like he’s been taking parenting classes from Chelsea’s baby daddy, Adam. But, come on guys, what guy doesn’t have a few DUIs on his record?

I’m sure whatever North Carolina hooligan Amber found to father her child is no prize, so if she’s concerned about Jenelle’s choice of baby-daddy, you know it’s probably bad.

Jenelle was also arrested recently, so both her and Nathan are facing jail time. Jenelle doesn’t seem all that concerned. Nothing starts a baby off right in life by having it take its first breath while behind bars. That’s really a Kodak moment there.

Over in South Dakota, Adam is watching his second daughter, Paislee, while at his friend’s house. He’s sporting a big ol’ gash on his head (which actually makes him look better because it covers the large bald spots on his head.) He tells his friend that he was not at fault for the accident. In fact, he says that the old couple T-boned him while he was going through an intersection on a green light.

Meanwhile, Chelsea is driving and tells Aubree that she has to grab the mail. We ‘Teen Mom 2’ fans know that if they show Chelsea getting the mail, that can only mean one of two things: The Custody Paper Fairy has dropped off papers from Adam or there’s something in there from “the law.” Those are the only reasons we ever see Chelsea fetching the mail.

(Those are the only reasons why footage of getting the mail is worthy of making it onto the show. Watching Chelsea sort through her bills with Randy’s name on them, her MAC cosmetic coupons and her correspondence from her Hair Color of the Month club isn’t exactly thrilling.)

Of course, it is a letter from “The Law.” Apparently Chelsea broke some South Dakota cosmetic laws when she helped her pal Landon pretty up some brides for a wedding. As a result, the higher ups on the cosmetic board of South Dakota (all of which I picture looking like the women of “Designing Women” for some reason) have decided to withhold Chelsea’s esthetician’s license. She panics and calls Landon, who agrees to meet her immediately to hash out a plan to get Chelsea’s license unfrozen.

Landon’s sporting an interesting ‘do for the new season. His hair looks like a bleached blond bicycle helmet that’s teetering on the top of his head.

Soon, they get down to business to discuss what Chelsea should do. Apparently, Chelsea helping Landon with the wedding is a big no-no because she wasn’t licensed at the time. (She posted photos of her work all over Twitter and the Designing Women caught wind of it.)

Chelsea says that she can only get in trouble if they got paid. “Which…we…um, didn’t,” she says, super convincingly. Suuuuure, Chelsea. I’d probably believe you more if you said Landon was straight. Even Aubree could see that you’re lying.

In West Virginia, Leah and Corey are exchanging the kids, and Leah is trying her best to explain to Aleeah why Baby Addie has a different daddy than they do. (That’s a conversation that’s going to require a few hours and most likely Dr. Drew, Leah.) Afterward, Leah and Corey chat.

OK, we are gonna need to talk about that hair for a moment. Guuuuurl! Seriously. I’ve seen better hair on Barbie dolls that were being sold at the thrift store. The odd layers, the brutally cut bangs, the long and stringy strands. Seriously, did Ray Charles come back from the dead and start cutting hair in West Virginia? Honey, no. Maybe that’s why Chelsea is in trouble–was she the one that did this to Leah’s hair? Well, then, that makes sense.

Next they discuss Ali’s wheelchair, which Corey says is taking a long time to get from the insurance company. Corey tells Leah that Ali is very aware of the fact that she has muscular dystrophy, and that she told him she couldn’t do a lot of things because of it. This, of course, horrifies Leah. Corey said Ali has a defeated attitude, and Leah says that they have to keep encouraging her to do things she thinks she can’t.

Next it’s back to Jenelle’s house. She and Nathan get into their brand-new bright yellow Hummer (um…2003 called and they want their car back, guys) and head to the doctor’s office to find out the sex of the baby in Jenelle’s belly.

They are about to have, like, their own family, Jenelle says, and she’s hoping the baby is a girl. Nathan wants a boy, and the sonogram lady wants to show off that brand-new red turtleneck she just bought over at the K-Mart. She’s turning to the camera at every possible angle to ensure maximum turtleneck-exposure.

Finally, it’s time to go back to the sonogram room and take our first look at the spawn of Nathan and Jenelle. The sonogram lady squirts the gel all over Jenelle’s stomach tattoos and later reveals “It’s a boy!” Nathan is helpful by pointing out the baby’s penis and butt (thanks). The Ashley would just like to go on record and say that, even though the baby is a boy, Jenelle and Nathan should still consider “Babs Jr.” for its name. It’s only right.

Afterward, they head to Casa de Babs, where they are greeted with Babs’ trusty bellow of, “Oh, hi Juh-nelle!” (It rings like a symphony to The Ashley’s ears! She’s been waiting months to hear that cackle!)

Nathan picks Jace up, calls him fat (as you do), and then tells him that he’s going to find out if he’s getting a baby brother or sister. Jace seems thrilled. The house is overflowing with kids and pets. There’s a new dog and another grandchild that’s been dumped on our gal Babs. (He’s the son of Jenelle’s sister, Ashleigh, who is nowhere to be found.)

Jenelle gives Babs some sonogram photos, and immediately Babs points out the baby’s penis. “Oh boy!” she screams jovially. Nathan announces that they plan to name the baby Kaiser. “Kaisah?! That’s like a beeeer, isn’t it?” she screeches. Nathan tries to bust out his “smarts” by informing Babs that Kaiser is “Anglo-Saxan or German” for ’emperor.’

Uh-oh. Somebody has been using all of the free time they’ve had since they quit their job to use their Hooked on Phonics tapes!

“Emporah?” Babs replies, before asking Jenelle and Nathan what the hell they plan to do when the “Emporah” is born.

Jenelle informs her that she wants to become a medical clinical technician. (Well, I’ll say this for her, Jenelle certainly knows her way around “the clinic,” what with all the drug tests and abortions, so this is probably a good move on her part.) Nathan, of course, is on disability.

I’m sorry, whaaat? When did he become disabled? He was working last season, so in the course of a few months off he suddenly became unable to work, yet has enough money to buy a new Hummer? I’m so confused right now. Maybe Nathan can see if Corey’s insurance company will pay for a wheelchair for him too, so he doesn’t have to exert any energy at all.

Jenelle says that Nathan is OK with being a “stay-at-home dad.” (I’m sure he is!) While they are discussing the possibility of Nathan going to jail, Jace is busy destroying the couch cushions. (I’m fairly certain he is trying to smother his baby cousin. This should bode well for Baby Kaiser.)

“Like, I can’t not be away from another one of my childs,” he tells Babs. (He honestly said that. It’s a direct quote!)

They aren’t too worried about the jail stuff because, later, they do a fun photoshoot in which they use blue paint to reveal to everyone that Jenelle’s having a boy. They are squirting paint at each other while a photographer snaps away. Jace, meanwhile, seems to be the only sensible person in the group, and is already sensing that this whole thing is a very, very bad idea.

Back in Delaware, Kail is overwhelmed and needs to go grocery shopping, which means leaving both kids with Javi. Both kids need to be bathed and Javi and Kail start arguing about it. Can we just take a moment to appreciate the bear suit Baby Lincoln is wearing right now?! O.M.G. That’s possibly the cutest thing The Ashley has ever seen.

Isaac tells Kail to stop yelling at Lincoln’s daddy, but the fighting continues. Javi doesn’t want to watch both kids, but Kail isn’t having it. They continue to yell at each other, but we never get to find out what happened. Did Javi watch the kids? Did Kail take Lincoln to the grocery store? Did they just send a production assistant from MTV to fetch their Hot Pockets and applesauce? We may never know.

The next day, they try to give each other some space. Kail’s friend, Princess Peach arrives with a pizza to talk about how Javi doesn’t help much with Lincoln. Apparently, Javi isn’t too keen on baby duty and would rather go play with Isaac than deal with diapers and spit-up. Kail says that this is effecting her marriage.

In South Carolina, Jenelle and Nathan are meeting with their lawyers to see how much jail time they will have to do. The law firm is called the “Lovely Law Firm.” I kind of love this. It’s like those nail salons that are called “Precious Nails” or something. (Yes, I know that the lawyers’ last name is Lovely but…don’t spoil this for me.)

The lawyers say that “the laws” are going to dismiss Jenelle’s charges, but Nathan has to plead guilty to driving under suspension, which means he’ll have to do 90-120 days in jail. He says he’s worried about the resisting arrest charge, because he wasn’t resisting. The lawyer straight-out tells Nathan he acted like an assh0le during the arrest. (Mrs. Lovely, you’re awesome!) She also calls him out for having a drinking problem, because he already has three DUIs.

In Delaware, Lincoln’s back in the bear suit, and Kail and Javi are talking about their fighting. Javi says Kail has gotten really mean, but she argues that she’s frustrated because she’s home with the kids all the time. Kail says that she didn’t exactly have the best examples of marriages while she was growing up. (Hey– the fact that she’s not throwing empty liquor bottles at her husband like Smirnoff Suzi undoubtedly did is a step towards progress!)

Kail says she doesn’t think they’re happy in their marriage, but Javi disagrees.

The episode ends, and we don’t even get a sneak peek of next week, because MTV uses the time to try to pitch its stupid new virgin show!

Grr….

Until next week, kids! Try not to practice cosmetic services without a license until then!

(Photos: MTV/FOX)