After weeks and weeks of enduring bad singing, constant uses of the word “Stoo-op!” and seeing an overuse of the man scarf, we have finally arrived at the Bachelorette finale! (We did it, guys!) It’s finally time for Andi to choose which one of these knuckleheads she will spend the rest of her life her summer with. There will be making out on a beach, there will be people crying over balconies, and there will surely be an overuse of the term “put myself out there.” After all, it’s the television event of the summer, y’all!
We start off in the Dominican Republic where suitor number one, Nick, is meeting Andi’s family. We see the return of Hy, Andi’s father who verbally pulverized Juan Sleazo last season. We also meet Andi’s mom, sister and…some other people that just sit there and mooch the free food. Nick brings Hy a bottle of liquor, which makes Hal happy. Who knew that stealing that from the prop room on Night 1 would come in handy?
Nick, sporting the finest henley shirt an Old Navy gift card can buy, tells Andi’s family how amazing their daughter is, and regales them with tales about how he twitched during his first meeting with Andi.
He takes Andi’s mom aside and tells her that he has no clue why Andi likes him. For some reason, that makes Andi’s mom tear up. Meanwhile, Andi tells her sister that Nick can see her soul and that he makes her feel like a woman.
Next Nick takes Hy aside to get the regulatory father’s blessing. I was really hoping Hy would rip him a new one like he did The Pabster but he, in fact, seems to like Nick. As Nick stumbles through a request for his blessing, Hy crosses his legs nonchalantly and tells him that he approves of the union. Later, Andi strokes Nick’s henley shirt and kisses him gently, as Nick creepily keeps opening his eyes during the make out.
After the clip ends we watch what is possibly the most nauseating commercial in the history of the show. They’ve dragged out Desiree and Catherine to help pitch some Suave. As the hairdresser pulls Andi’s hair into a ponytail (again with the ponytail?!) Catherine and Desiree squeal about how great it is to be engaged. At the end, they deliver a few scripted lines with all of the acting talent of a fourth grader at a talent show. “You.Look.Great,” Catherine says roboticly. “Best.Of.Luck.Andi,” Des adds.
And that, my friends, is how I lost my dinner.
Next it’s time for Josh to meet the parents. Hy and the gang are thrilled that Josh lives in Atlanta. The description she gives her family about Josh includes “cocky athlete” and “total player.” That’s always great to tell your parents about the man you possibly love. Come on, Hy, you got this! Don’t let me down!
Josh arrives and Hy just straight out laughs at him and tells us, “This guy doesn’t have a prayer!” Oh, Hy, I love ya.
Andi’s mom says that Josh is loud and chaotic, and they are all giving him a semi-dirty look as Josh talks about his “past.” Andi tells her sister away and says she came on the show to find a different kind of guy, yet she ends up finding the same dude she’s always dated. The sister pulls Josh aside and asks a few questions and Josh seems to have a sale pitch ready. “Family. I like family,” he keeps saying. “Andi. I like Andi.”
Josh insists that he’s “not like those people in the past…and stuff,” but the sister seems totally skeptical, despite the fact that she lies and tells the camera that she likes Josh.
Next it’s time for ol’ Hy to let loose on Josh. He asks Josh if he’s ready to settle down. “Family. I like family. Andi. I like Andi,” he says. Josh says that their time on the show hasn’t “been all roses” (groan) and that what they have is a “forever kind of love.”
He then asks Hy if it’s OK for him to wife up Andi and Hy seriously can’t even hide his disgust. Still, he gives his blessing, but it’s totally unlike the way he accepted Nick’s request. Hy later tells Josh that he’s “one of the two best guys he’s met in the Dominican Republic.”
I’m so glad Hy is back in our lives…
Josh leaves, but not before telling us that Andi is his wife, even if he has to wait a couple of days.
We are getting closer and closer to someone leaving brokenhearted, but before we can watch some dude sob in the limo, we have to stomach one more date between Andi and each of the guys. For her date with Josh, she’s wearing some sort of mumu-like dress. (Josh, however, is sporting the latest fashions from the Target little miss department.) For the occasion, Josh’ eyebrows have been squared off to perfection as well.
Naturally, they go yachting and Josh makes sure that Andi knows that Hy “approves” of their relationship. Andi says she thinks Josh is too good to be true (as he gropes her thigh, of course.) They jump off the boat and then go snorkeling. (Actually it’s just an excuse for Josh to go underwater and stare at Andi’s ass through his mask.)
That night, they spend their last moments together. Josh keeps telling Andi that he’s ready to settle down and you can just tell Andi knows she’s making a mistake but she doesn’t care. (Ol’ Josh must have taken care of business in the Fantasy Suite last week!)
He writes her a letter, which accompanies…her own baseball card! He (and by “he” I mean some poor production assistant that had to desperately find the Dominican Republic’s version of Kinkos to make this thing) puts “Andi Murray” on the card, which is kind of a baller move. Andi is thrilled and uses that as proof that Josh really is ready for marriage. They start playing what sounds like the song from “Titanic” and it’s getting really hard to watch.
Moving on!
The next day is Andi’s final date with Nick. She tells Nick that they will be going off-roading. They talk about how exciting it all is, despite the fact that Nick appears to be going about 20 mph. They arrive at a private lake where they have a picnic. Well, actually it’s just wine and a few uncut limes. (I guess they used up the final date budget renting that big ol’ boat for her and Josh.)
Nick lays it on pretty thick–telling Andi that nothing will come between them, which appears to make Andi remember why she kept this guy around this long. They go swimming in the lake (watch out for leeches, y’all–nothing kills the romance like having to pull blood-sucking insects off your lover’s no-no zones!)
They manage to escape the lake leech-free, so later that night Andi heads to Nick’s room to spend the last few moments with Nick. He’s all “Michael Cera awkward” and gives what is quite possibly the worst toast ever. He’s sweating through his red henley shirt something fierce. He starts talking about his past failed engagement and Andi starts to get that look on her face that she only gets when she’s about to dump a guy. She’s looking at everything but Nick, which doesn’t bode well for him. He gives her a necklace that contains sand from the beach where he first told Andi he loved her.
She reassures Nick that it will be alright and we viewers can almost see that this is the moment that Andi realizes that Nick is not The One. T-Minus 20 minutes until Nick is blubbering in the limo of shame!
It’s the morning of the proposal and we get to see Andi in her nightie (was that really necessary?), gazing out at the ocean and contemplating which of these guys she will leave brokenhearted. They show the guys waking up (Josh’s hair and eyebrows are already gelled to perfection, natch) and Andi runs through the reasons she likes each guy.
Josh tells us that this is the biggest day of his life–even bigger than that day he got drafted for baseball (just in case you had forgotten he used to be a pro baseball player!) Our pal, Neil Lane arrives. Neil, by the way, seems to be sporting a new face this season thanks to some plastic surgery. He helps Josh picks out a “strong” ring for Andi.
The door knocks at Nick’s room and it’s Neil—wait— it’s not Neil it’s Andi!!!
Dun.Dun.Dun.
They go to Chris live in the studio where Chris says that some of our “Bachelor fan favorites” (groooooan….) will weigh in on the situation. Um…how about we disregard what these creep-waffles think and just get on with the inevitable limo sobbing?
He talks to Clare from JP’s season, followed by Chris from this season. They all basically just ramble on for a while, filling time. Next there’s Drew from Desiree’s season, who no one really listens to because they’re trying to remember who the hell he is.
Let’s get to the heartbreak! Good Lord!
Finally we cut back to Nick’s room, where Andi says she’s there to “chat.” You can almost see Nick’s rejected engagement flashing before him as Andi explains that something isn’t right. He looks stunned as she tells him she can’t “go through with it.”
She says that it’s clear to her that what they have is “not best for us” and that she started feeling this way since their last date. She then tells him that he’s no fun because he over-analyzes everything, and that he makes her over-analyze everything. Ouch.
He says he can’t believe she acted like she liked him so much yet she’s dumping him. She then argues that she never told him anything about how she felt. He asks if it’s about “someone else” (um, you mean Josh?) and Andi just shrugs her shoulders. OUCH. I think it would have hurt worse if ol’ Hy would have body slammed him.
She admits that she “took it too far” but assures him that she’s confident she’s making the right decision. He walks her to the door and gives her a very awkward hug. It starts to rain and Nick hangs himself dramatically over the balcony so that his head is getting soaked. Um, should we put this guy on suicide watch? No, seriously, should we?
He pulls out every rose that Andi ever gave him (awww) and throws them dramatically in the trash. He packs his bag and heads to the waiting car. (Geez, did they have to check out by 11am or something? At least give him an hour or so to mourn before you throw him out of the room.)
He talks about how he really thought she was The One as he weeps in the limo. Andi, meanwhile, goes and stands on the beach awkwardly. Josh is probably doing pushups in his room and checking himself out from every possible camera angle while he waits to propose.
Chris tells us that Nick has been trying to get Andi to speak with him since that day, but she’s refused to talk to him. Apparently he’s still pining for her, despite the fact that she’s probably happily engaged to Mr. Baseball.
It’s finally that time–the moment we’ve “all” waited for. Andi is dressed in a billowy white gown as she goes to a runway full of pots. (It looks like a swapmeet.) She waits for Josh to arrive and is nervous because she doesn’t know if he will want her back. Josh arrives and is escorted into the garden by Chris. Josh’s suit is almost skintight..seriously, I know a “former pro baseball player” doesn’t make much money but couldn’t we have sprung for a new, properly fitting suit for the boy?
He, again, brings up baseball, saying that he gave up his first love, baseball, to find his true love. (Um, your ass got cut, buddy. Let’s not get it twisted!) He says he’s known that it will always be “us” and that she’s the answer to all of his prayers. It’s so rehearsed it’s almost painful to watch. The inspirational music kicks in as he goes on about how he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. He lets her talk and it almost seems that his cheesy speech totally turned her off. (Nick’s probably still waiting at the airport if you want to change your mind, Andi!)
Finally she says that her relationship with Josh scares her, but that she’s loved him since the moment she saw him. She says she’s madly in love with him and she wants to have babies with him. He pulls the ring out of his pocket and drops to his knee, proposing marriage. She excitedly accepts and pulls him in for a passionate kiss.
She is stunned by the enormous ring she’s gotten. (As you know, she has to stay with him for two years in order to keep the ring. Seriously, I’d stay with Dracula for two years to get that rock!)
She presents him with the final rose and they exchange more “I love you’s” followed by “I love you more”. Oh gag. I think they’re about to do it right there. They are seriously making sex sounds and it’s really creeping me out. Save the pelvic thrusts for later tonight, kids.
The Ashley did not recap the “After the Final Rose,” because, let’s face it, unless someone’s pulling a Mesnick and dumping their fiance on live TV in favor of the runner-up, it’s just not that interesting.
You can read about what happened at the “ATFR” special by clicking here!
Next week, the first episode of Bachelor in Paradise kicks off! The Ashley can’t wait to recap this pile ‘o’ smut!
(Photos: ABC)
