Grab your child support check, and do a shot of pitocin because it’s time for another episode of Teen Mom 2! Last week’s episode was a true gem. With people all drugged out on “the pills,” and people preppin’ for jail time, it’s going to be quite a task topping the steaming pile of crap we were served last week, but let’s try!

We start things off with Chelsea, who is still unlicensed and unemployed. She had Lawyer Craig Thompson fire off a scathing letter to the Tanning Board people, but has yet to hear back from them as to whether or not she will be able to orange-up the soccer moms of South Dakota.

She picks up Aubree, who gleefully squeals that she was driven around by Adam during her most-recent visit. When Aubree realizes she’s gotten her father into trouble she tries to lie for Adam but Chelsea, who basically invented the lie-to-cover-Adam’s-sorry-ass game, can see right through it and knows that Adam was driving Aubree, even though he’s not allowed to.

Chelsea purses her red lips in anger, but later tells Other Chelsey about the driving debacle and wonders what she should do about the situation. She is angry that Adam’s parents don’t keep her updated on Adam’s legal problems. Well, seriously, Chelsea, that would be basically a full-time job. And ain’t nobody on this show getting one of those! Come on!

Next we check in with Kail, who is in Pennsylvania to celebrate her 22^nd birthday. With Isaac at Jo’s for the weekend, Kail gets her hair “did” for the big night out, and talks to her pal Gigi.

Kail tells Gigi about her dinner with Jo and Vee last week. She reveals that she actually loves hanging out with Vee. (And, hey, if you guys are friends, you have access to all the stretchy swap meet clothing and extra-large hoop earrings that your heart desires, Kail!)

Later, Peach comes in and Kail says that she’s nervous about going out because she doesn’t really drink. She suggests they all go downstairs into the basement and watch a movie. Whoa, whoa, whoa— next you’re going to suggest you guys all drink some hot chocolate or something too. A “night out” on this show generally ends in a co-pay or probation extension, so I don’t really know how to process the fact that someone doesn’t want to be a complete degenerate for their birthday celebration.

We then head over to Hillbilly Hills to check in with Leah. She, along with a random friend and a whole mess of kids head off to get some frozen yogurt. (Seriously, there must be like 10 kids coming out of that van. It’s like a clown car!) Aleeah wants to get nuts on her yogurt, but Leah says no because she “doesn’t even know what nuts are.” Well she’s Leah’s kid so….just wait five years and she’ll know….

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

After all the kids have gotten yogurt (and Leah has surely changed Addy’s diaper on one of the shop’s tables) Leah and her friend start talking about her anxiety medication. Um…is no one even going to address the fact that Leah is wearing a headset for no reason in this scene? Like, she’s legit all wired up like Britney Spears with a microphone headset and no one is even mentioning it?! Does the tanning salon require her to do a pop music medley during her shift, in between cleaning sweat off the tanning beds? Is she going on tour later this year?! What is the headset for?! I must know!

Soon we realize what that headset mic might be for. The twins are screaming so loud that we can hardly hear Leah talk about her drug problem, so clearly, the headset was a gift from MTV to allow us to hear Leah over her litter of kids’ wailing. Good call, guys. The other girl didn’t get a headset because, well, no one really cares about her. She could have been any random hick that talks with her mouth full and would have served the same purpose, so no one needs to know what she said.

Leah informs her poorly mannered pal that she has found a buyer for their house. The buyer wants to buy it ASAP. (This is a smart move. Do you know how long it takes to get ground-up Cheetos out of carpeting? If they want they place livable by Christmas, they have to get in there right now!)

Leah says that she plans to move her family to a two-bedroom apartment for the time being. (Two bedrooms for her, Jeremy, the 75 children, an MTV camera crew and whatever dogs/cats/raccoons the family is currently keeping as pets?! That will be awful tight. Like, where is Leah even going to store all of her Mary Kay, y’all! It’s her business! I guess poor Jeremy will have to set up camp in the carport.)

She says moving into an apartment would save them a lot of money. She admits that she has an issue with overspending but that she tries to add to the family’s bank account whenever she can. (Well, those giant MTV checks certainly don’t hurt. Of course, at least half of those go to taxes and hair extensions so…)

Leah’s Mary Kay business cost her $1,800 to set up, but now she is free to sell overpriced makeup and skincare products to any red-faced hillbilly in need. Hell, she should bring Chelsea’s unlicensed ass down to West Virginia to help her give consultations. I wonder what the going price in the holler is for a few Vicodin– One “Peachy Keen” lip gloss and a bottle of “Endless Glow” bronzer? Leah may be on to something here…

Leah says that it’s ok that she spent $1,800 because when she sells all of the products she will make $3,600. Even her friend knows this is a dumb idea. She keeps looking down at her yogurt, almost as if she knows Leah’s going to hit her up in a week or so to ask her to buy some of this crap.

Finally we get to Jenelle’s part. With all the pill-popping fun Leah’s provided us the last few episodes, I totally forgot Jenelle was even on this show. It must sting a bit to not be the girl on the show that slurs her words on the regular. That was kind of her thing, no?

Anyway, Nathan is still in jail, but Jenelle is getting to take Jace for the whole weekend on her own.

“Oh hi Jenelle,” Babs says as Jenelle walks in. (Yessssssssss! I feel like that greeting was really just for The Ashley.)

Babs and Jenelle go out to the porch to chat. Barb is sporting a new summer dress and lounging in a wicker chair as she chats with Jenelle about Nathan getting thrown in the slammer. Jenelle says she’s lonely at night because Nathan isn’t there. She says it’s been hard “trying to do everything” on her own.

Well, between work….oh, wait….and taking care of Jace….oh, wait….um… What exactly does Jenelle do? I mean, true, she has to dust Nathan’s jars of protein powder every week, but that’s hardly cause for a breakdown. Sure, she’s pregnant and doing school part-time but her life isn’t exactly hectic. It’s not like she’s selling Mary Kay or something.

Over in South Dakota, Chelsea is using her current unemployment status to focus on setting up her new house. Meanwhile, Adam and his way-too-old-to-be-on-Teen-Mom friend, Jerry, go out to lunch. Jerry’s baby son, Moxon joins them.

OK—this has to be said. Where the hell are people getting their kids’ names these days?! Do they just open the medicine cabinet, grab their favorite prescription drug and just pick letters from the medicine’s name to call their kids. Moxon? That sounds like something the doctor would give Adam to clear up one of his many STDs. Come on!

Seriously, if you are pregnant and thinking about naming your kid something that, when asked why you picked that name the first thing you say is, “It’s unique,” then you’re a terrible person. Your child will likely murder you in their sleep at the age of 14. Name the kid Jennifer and move on. Even if it’s a boy, I’d rather be ‘Jennifer’ than ‘Moxon’ any damn day of the week.

OK. End rant. Let’s get back to Adam and whatever lie he’s about to spout for the cameras.

He tells Jerry that he and Taylor have split for a while. He says that he dumped her and that he moved out because they needed space (i.e. Adam needed to bang some other broad he met at a bar, most likely, and Taylor kept getting in the way). He still wants to be together, but now he has a place of his own to storm off to when they fight. He says that he told Taylor that he needs, “Me time” but he’s not going to treat her like he did Chelsea.

“Spend as much time with them kids as you can,” Jerry advises Adam.

Yes. “Them kids” certainly need their father to teach them how to conceal an open container in their truck, and how to convince a judge that this time, they’ve really changed.

Back in Pennsylvania, it’s almost time for Kail’s birthday dinner. Javi arrives at the salon, but without baby Lincoln, who Kail had planned to breastfeed before going out for the night. As soon as she asks where Lincoln is, Javi looks like he knows he’s going to get it.

Javi says it was a “miscommunication” because he thought he was picking up pumped milk, but didn’t realize he was supposed to bring the baby. He tries to compliment her hair but she is like, “Oh helllll no!”

In Carolina, Jenelle arrives home with Jace. It will just be her, Jace and the dogs for the weekend. She tucks him into bed and tells him that she has to go let the dogs out. (Whoooo let the dogs out?! Jenelle! Jenelle! Whooooo let the dogs out?!)

She goes near the garage and sees that something has pooped all over the floor. (Kieffer, is that you?!)

One of the dogs has already gotten out, which pisses Jenelle off.

OK, so this part is going to be really hard for The Ashley to write/joke about. You may not know this, but The Ashley actually has a heart and is an adamant animal rights activist. She helps rescue dogs and is a strict vegetarian, so this is not something that she wants to joke about. (The Ashley loves animals, she just doesn’t care for people all that much.) So just to be clear, The Ashley is not saying that what Jenelle is doing in this scene is right or funny or OK. It’s just hard to joke about something that makes The Ashley so sad and angry.

She screams at the husky and drags him by the collar to get on a ripped up chair. She cages him up and threatens to get rid of him. She cleans the poop up and cusses out the poor pup.

And as Forest Gump once said, “That’s all I’m gonna say about that.”

Moving on to West Virginia, the twins are at Corey’s house for the weekend. Aleeah is instructing her sister to eat her fruit so she can then take a bath. I wasn’t aware that certain quantities of fruit had to be consumed before a kid was allowed to be hosed off, but, hey, each state has its own laws. What do I know?

At Leah’s, baby Addy is sleeping while Leah is sitting in a huge pile of clothing and boxes. (It actually just looks like Chelsea’s house during any given season.)

She’s packing, and says that she feels better now that the medicine has “settled.” Jeremy looks totally uninterested, as Leah talks about the move and Ali’s wheelchair. He literally closes his eyes at points when she’s blabbing on and on. We feel the same way, Jeremy.

In Pennsylvania, Kail has to take Lincoln to her birthday dinner because of Javi’s mistake. She has to feed Lincoln and her friends asks her if she wants a drink. Kail declines, and instead feeds the baby. The other girls ask what she wants to do after dinner, since she’s legally able to drink and not pregnant. The girls are trying to get her to go to a club, but she’s hesitant to leave the kids.

The other girls vote that Kail needs to go out and she finally decides to go. Javi and Kail drop Lincoln off at Javi’s parent’s house and both head off to the club. Kail is still worried, but is ready to get “turnt up” (or is it down? I don’t know which is the good one. Help me, I’m old.)

Kail tells her friends that this is her first time at a club and she struggles to even find a drink that she likes. They take selfies, and talk about how they had to go to Applebee’s for her 21^st birthday last year.

She is having fun, dancing, and Javi tells her to go twerk with her friends. Although there was no twerking, there was still fun had by all in attendance.

In South Dakota, Chelsea and Aubree are very busy taking selfies because, well, what else would Chelsea do on a weekday during normal business hours? She has already taught Aubree her signature duckface so it’s only a matter of time before Aubree is self-tanning and teasing her hair. Sigh. We’ve lost another one, guys.

She takes time off from “selfie-ing” to take a phone call from her dad. Randy says that he’s been creeping around the Internet (Call me, Randy, I can give you some tips!) He said that he found all of Adam’s charges from his accident, and that it looks like Adam’s in some serious trouble. He has five additional charges, on top of his existing charges, which means that he could get up to two years in prison if convicted.

While Chelsea is on the phone, Aubree crawls up on the table and is scooting her dirty feet across the eating surface. Chelsea tells her to get off the table, and Aubree basically just laughs in her face. Chelsea begins to do “the count.” (“The count” is basically what every lazy parent does when they don’t want to get up and discipline their kids. They count to three and everyone, including their kids, know that they aren’t going to do crap when they get to three.)

Chelsea, of course, doesn’t do anything when she gets to three. “Please,” she begs to which Aubree just screams, “No!” and remains on the table. Awesome job, as per usual, Chels.

Later, she meets up with Landon and some other chick with a bad Miley Cyrus haircut. They chat about—what else?—Adam. She says that she refuses to bring Aubree to a prison to visit Adam, should he finally get thrown in the slammer once and for all.

In Carolina, Jenelle is still taking care of Jace on her own. She’s struggling to handle the dogs and the kid. Jace tells Jenelle that he can’t wait until his baby brother arrives because he is planning to teach him how to kick Jenelle in the face. Awww, well, that’s just touching.

Just then, Nathan calls from the slammer. He reports that he’s living the life of luxury behind bars. He’s taking showers in stalls with actual curtains and watching TV. (Does anyone else think it’s odd that Nathan could possibly be watching himself on TV while in jail?)

He’s free to roam around except during bedtime, and Jenelle, who is, obviously an expert on all things “jail” is jealous that Nathan has gotten such an easy jail sentence. She then tells Nathan that she can’t deal with his dog and may have to board him.

She says that she couldn’t deal with having to clean up the stinky pee and poop. Good thing she’s not pregnant and about to clean up pee and poop for years to come. Oh….wait.

Back in West Virginia, it’s time for Leah and Jeremy to buy a new “wuuusher” and dryer. Jeremy protests that they don’t need them, since he says their existing set works just fine. Wait…Leah doesn’t use a washboard out by the river to scrub her family’s clothes? That makes me sad.

They head on up to Big Sandy, and Jeremy finds the biggest “wuuusher” the store sells. Leah inspects it and tries to make conversation but Jeremy isn’t having it. He cuts her off and asks if this is the “wuuusher” set that she wants and Leah just says yes. It’s over $3,000, of course, but Leah doesn’t seem all that concerned. (Business is boomin’ with the Mary Kay, y’all!)

She goes up to the front of the store to pay. (Oddly, there’s not another soul in the store except for the workers. I guess in Leah’s neck of the woods, they aren’t exactly lining up to buy $3,000 furniture. Generally, they just select their home furnishings from whatever’s been dumped ‘round back of the Wal-Mart.)

Leah gives the lady her credit card but, unfortunately, it doesn’t go through.

“It’s probably over the dang limit!” the woman behind the counter says. (I’m not really sure if she meant that as a jab at Leah or not?) Leah gets on the phone and calls the credit card folk, explaining that she’s got money and babies to warsh and what not. Meanwhile, Jeremy couldn’t care less. He’s lounging on one of Big Sandy’s display chairs, playing on his phone (and/or getting details for a divorce lawyer), and smirking.

Leah tells the credit card people that she used her card the night before “on the computer.” She asks them to extend her limit temporarily and then explains to Jeremy that she spent money (um, another $1,200!?) for her “business.” Jeremy, bless his heart, just stares at her and says sarcastically, “Mary Kay is your business?”

Leah insists that her makeup sales will pay for her kids to go to college/tech school/whatever juvenile delinquency program Aleeah is headed for, but Jeremy is not buying it. He just walks out of Big Sandy, sans Leah and the new “wuuusher” and dryer.

In Carolina, Jenelle’s weekend with Jace is coming to an end. The dogs chewed through their crate, so Jace and Jenelle head off to buy a new one. They arrive home and the garage looks like Leah’s living room—food all over, torn up furniture and feces on the floor. Both dogs are crammed into one cage.

She’s struggling to bring in the new crate but can’t because she’s pregnant. She decides to just throw the new crate in the garage, which scares the dogs. She attempts to put it together, but Nathan’s dog tries to get Jenelle’s dog, Jax. She lets Jax out but keeps the other dog in the cage. She forces Jax into the cage but he won’t go in so she tries to force him in. Finally she just releases both dogs into the wild.

I just..can’t…

Back at Big Sandy’s, Leah’s somehow managed to get her credit card unfrozen. Jeremy, however, is still upset that Leah has been spending so much money. He says he’s worried about paying bills, and that they do not have the cash to pay for thousands of dollars in makeup and crap. Leah protests, reminding him that this is her career. She is a consultant for Mary Kay that gets fifty percent of the profits, y’all! Come on! This is a million dollar idea!

He says that they’ve gone through hundreds of thousands of dollars, and Leah says that Jeremy has been spending just as much as her. Jeremy just laughs and shows her how she’s spent upwards of $5,000 in recent days on her “business.” She then rants that Jeremy is controlling her entire life and that she isn’t allowed to do anything. Um…someone has to control your life, Leah. You obviously can’t.

She says he shouldn’t be able to tell her what she can and can’t do. Yeah! Where does he get off telling her she can’t spend $5,000 on makeup while he pays for her and her kids to have a roof over her head? That scoundrel!

Then, as one Rounduper pointed out earlier this week, it appears that Leah tells Jeremy that he shouldn’t be spending money at strip clubs if he is so worried about money. They bleeped it out, but it most definitely looks like that’s what she said.

Guuuuuurl! This just got good.

Leah then breaks into tears as the episode ends.

MTV then decides to turn this into A Very Special Episode. They flash on a disclaimer about not abusing your family pets due to Jenelle’s behavior around the dogs in this episode.

Next week, Javi leaves home for a month for work, Nathan leaves jail (early, of course), Leah and Jeremy get closer to leaving each other and Chelsea finds out whether or not she passed her test.

Wanna read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2?’ Click here!

(Photos: MTV)